Best Week in a long Time

This is the best week I've had in a really long time.  The numbers actually stayed the same or went down every day.  What a concept. I never try to get excited these days because I've done that and fallen flat on my face with weight gain immediately after but I was super excited to have maintained 117 for two days in a row.  I still have a ways to go.  I still have to be diligent, consistent and oh so careful but it's so damn nice to finally see some positive results for a change.  I've been failing at this whole weight loss thing since August of last year!  I did one hour of cardio today on the elliptical and am planning the same for tomorrow.

Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Feb 11th

Daily Summary
	Budget	Food	Exercise	Net	+/-	Weight (lbs)
2/11/13	977	1,135	280	855	-122	120.6
2/12/13	977	858	0	858	-118	120.6
2/13/13	975	982	0	982	6	120.4
2/14/13	959	983	0	983	24	118
2/15/13	958	1,000	155	845	-113	117.8
2/16/13	958	883	0	883	-75	117.8
2/17/13	953	981	0	981	28	117
369 calories under budget for the week
Lost 2 pounds this week as measured from a starting weight of 119 on February 10th.

Nutrient Summary		% Calories
Fat	269g	33%
Saturated Fat	114g
Cholesterol	411mg
Sodium	9,976mg
Carbohydrates	977g	53.2%
Fiber	172g
Sugars	343g
Protein	252g	13.8%

Exercise Summary		Calories
Elliptical 280	30 Min	280
Yoga 55	55 Min	155
Total	435

Four Day Weekend and Cheesy Bread

There seems to be only a very few in my reading list that post regularly anymore.  What happened to everyone?  For me it was a combination of getting fat and getting to disgusted with myself to come over here and whine and complain about it over and over again.  I'd lost hope.  Even if things are bad if I have hope I feel inspired to write but once I've lost all hope I become empty and so disgusted with myself that I can't even write about it.  Well, I still am not nearly where I should be but I do have hope again.  That's something.  This morning I woke up at 117 lbs.  I haven't seen that number in so long.  It's too high but seeing it did make me feel hopeful that I'm not a total failure and that maybe just maybe I'll reach my goal.

Yesterday I went with my husband to his flag football game.  Then we went to a nearby open house.  Just to look and see what's out there since we aren't in the market for anything right now.  It's still fun to look.  Then we went to lunch and I ordered the cheesy bread.  It's an appetizer but I ordered it for my entree.  I was telling myself to order the Margarita Flatbread instead because it's lighter but I still get that cheese and bread that I love so much but the cheesy sourdough bread won out.  It was worth every single bite.  It was so good!  I'm still thinking about it.  I'm totally obsessed with food.  The good thing is that after eating that at about 2:30pm I absolutely was not hungry for the rest of the day.  I had no cravings.  I wasn't trying to sneak bites of things out of the pantry.  I was satisfied and that was the only thing I had eaten all day aside from coffee and Fiber 1.  I was a little worried because I felt like I was retaining water but I had a BM and was down from yesterday.  Such a relief.  I still think I'm still retaining water today so we'll see what tomorrow brings. 

I've been backing off from the gym a little.  I got sick last month and for the day that I ate soup and grill cheese sandwiches twice that day I lost weight even though I layed around all day.  I reminded me that weight loss truly is mostly about diet.  When I'm working out sometimes I let myself get out of control with eating and then tell myelf I'm doing cardio this week so I'll burn it off but it doesn't always work out that way.  Sure, if I over eat one day the gym will help get me back where I was but when the over eating is consistent not even the gym is going to totally negate that.  It just doesn't work that way.  I still consistently exercise at least twice a week but I haven't been throwing in extra gym days.  On Friday instead of worrying about calorie burn I just did the yoga class at the gym and left it at that.  Killing myself in the gym wasn't working because I wasn't consistent for long enough periods of time with my eating.  I've not been perfect over this last month but I've been a lot more consistent and I think it's finally chipping away at the weight.  It takes me soooo long.  It's so frustrating sometimes.

I'm scared every day that I'm going to blow it and wake up at 122 again.  Last week I saw 120 and it was awful even though I think it's water retention.  As much as I've wanted to give up I just can't.  God, I wish I could just say screw it and eat Pizza and chocolate every day.  Just eat what you want!  But I can't do it.   My husband boycotted Valentine's day this year.  I was kind of hurt about it but the upside is that I didn't get any extra sweets or a big dinner out that could have messed things up.  We already have Girl Scout cookies in the house.  I didn't need anything else.

I'm a little worried about my budget right now because my auto insurance finally went up from an accident I had a long time ago.  At the same time my pay check went down because they changed the Social Security deduction.  I was actually supposed to get a $50 a month raise but that got eaten up by the SS changes and then with my insurance going up that hurt me too.  I basically got a pay cut.  That means I won't be contributing any extra to retirement like I wanted to.  Thank goodness I did my shopping when I had the chance 'cause I probably won't be doing too much of that.  We'll see how it goes.

I'm on a 4 day weekend and it's been so great.  I've gotten out every day but I havne't been ripping and running and packing errands in or anything.  It's been very leisurely.  Friday yoga was so nice.  Then I came home, started dinner (small miracle) and then relaxed.  Saturday football in the morning and lunch out with hubby in the afternoon.  Today nothing.  Tomorrow cardio at the gym in the morning and then a few errands.  Nice and easy. 

Ready to Go

So the party went well.  That one friend that I was sort of nervous to invite because I haven't seen her in a year and hadn't heard from said yes and came.  She said it was so thoughtful for me to think of her meanwhile I'm wondering if she even wants to be my friend anymore.  It was so nice to catch up with her and everyone else.  In all I was able to drum up three friends plus one friend brought her sister.  My mom and sister were there too so it was cool.  Then my mom, sister and nephew spent the night.  We had such a good time.  It was so cool just hanging out with them.  I had some left overs which kind of sucked because I hate having to feel like I need to eat left overs but I hate wasting food even more.  I sent my mom home with some stuff, froze some stuff and ate the rest over the course of a week.  I ended up having to shell out $480 bucks on breaks for my car which really sucked; especially right before the trip.  I redeemed $100 of cash back bonus on my card as a credit and used the $75 gift card that I'd with points a while ago to offset it so that helped.

Lately I've been feeling huge.  When I look in the mirror I'm disgusted but for some odd reason last week at my boot class camp I looked in the mirror and saw thin.  I'm not sure why considering I was there just 2 weeks before feeling huge but this time I could see that my knees stuck out slightly more then my thighs.  My arms looked thin and my legs looked lean and long.  Then, when I was at the store over the weekend trying on jackets in a three way mirror I also had another thin moment.  I had on a white top with a scoop neck and I could see my collar bones poking out and the light reflecting off of my chest bone.  Why is it that on some days in some mirrors I look thin and on other days I feel huge? 

I've mostly been in the 116's for the last week or so which is way better then my average from this time last month.  I was 117 this morning and I think part of it is water retention.  I'm really beginning to wonder whats the point of losing weight just so I can gain it all back on vacation.  I'm definitely restricting and watching the eats though anyways because that's typically how I roll unless there are social outings that screw me up.  Which there haven't been.  This last weekend has been spent getting ready for my trip.  I got the mani/pedi done.  I did some errands and picked up a few things I needed from the store.  I did some light cleaning, laundry and got the trash out.  I made a list and I'm mostly packed aside from some things that need to be washed and toiletries that I use.  I'm feeling pretty calm about it which is good as normally I am super anxious about packing and leaving for a trip.  Hopefully, the calm will hold up.  I found a cute black light wind breaker at Burlington for only $30 bucks which is great and makes me feel so much better about being prepared for any weather.  The hood zips on and off, it's water proof, light and easily packable but still has some lining.  I've been watching the weather and from the looks of things we will likely get rain in Paris and Amsterdam.  The other cities are looking kinda iffy too; even Barcelona.  At least I'll be prepared and warm.  I've got all my boarding passes and train tickets printed out.  I've finished up with all my research on getting around and what to do in all eight cities and have it all typed up and ready to go.  I'm ahead of the game at work too having completed most of the tasks I needed to do.  This week will fly by for me between work and the gym.  I'm getting my hair done Wednesday night and Thursday bright and early I'll be off.  I'm so excited for the trip and to see hubby.  It's been 6 weeks.  I get butterflies thinking about it.

I got hardly any writing done on my book this month.  Maybe 5 pages.  It just wasn't happening.  I couldn't focus.  I do best when I get to write at work (sad I know) but things have been too busy for that.  October might be a wash too but I'm not going to beat myself up about it as long as I keep going.  Which I will.

Fluctuating Weight

My weight is all over the place.  Two weeks ago I was 114.5, earlier this week I was 120 (!!!), three days ago I was 118.5 and now I'm at 117 lbs.  I actually lost a pound after we met my parents for dinner.  I NEVER drop a pound the day after eating out no matter how good I am so this makes no sense whatsoever.  I never used to fluctuate in weight this much and I'm convinced it's because of all the water drinking.  I think it makes my body more impacted by sodium intake, work outs and that time of the month.  I drink more water which is good.  It also means I  pee more (good) and I sweat more (this kinda sucks) but it also means that depending on intake or what's going on I can potentially retain more-hence the crazy fluctuations.  Some days I don't pee as much and I'm like oh-I'm retaining water.  Other days I pee buckets and I'm like oh-I guess my body is letting it all go.  If I work out I lose more water on top of that so I might end up lower the next day but then if I ate a lot of salt I'll go up.  It's maddening!!!  I'm going to keep it up.  I've gotten used to the routine of water drinking and I know my body needs it.  I still go days and days without a BM sometimes but overall I feel less backed up and like my body is functioning better when the water is flowing in and out.  I'm trying to learn not to freak out over every little fluctuation-and I'm getting a little better.

Hubby wants me to go to happy hour tomorrow at this cool pizza place with him and his co workers.  Pizza is one of my ultimate weaknesses and their pizza is to die for.  I went there for lunch with hubby a couple weeks ago, ate a reasonable portion and gained like 3 lbs so I'm really nervous about going.  I want to but I just don't trust myself.  We also have a wedding the day after that.  It's a recipe for disaster especially because next week is my off week for heavy cardio.  I've been stalling on telling him if I'll go or not and he just texted me to ask again.  It would be really nice if I just had some damn willpower then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all.   

I want to get this Health o meter Body Fat Monitoring Scale.  We already have two scales and I know hubby will see it as part of my obsession and freak out.  BUT-I might be able to get away with this one because it measures bone mass, body fat and hydration.  Maybe I can justify it by telling him it's not just about weight.  With me drinking more water, wanting to be healthy and get into weight training which he's been pushing means that knowing those other things are important too.  My only concern is that it stores 4 users and tracks the previous 12 weigh ins.  I want to track my numbers but I don't want it to be a device that helps him track my weight so I'm wondering if anybody knows if the information can be cleared somehow or even how it's accessed in the first place by each user.  I am extremely secretive about my weight and even more so when it comes to him.  I don't think having a "secret" scale would work so the only way I could get this is if I can hide my stats.  Let me know!  I think it would be awesome to be able to track all that stuff-as if I need anything else to track-but it could actually help me to know what's water weight and what's bone weight etc.

We got our carpets replaced with hardwood floors on Tuesday.  What a pain it was moving everything.  We did the whole downstairs.  They look really good  but I don't think they did a good job of cleaning 'em up because they feel a bit filmy under my feet.  I'm OCD so I need to clean it myself which means I have to do it when I get home because hubby doesn't want to wait until the weekend to move our furniture back downstairs and in from the garage.  I rarely clean on weekdays-it's just too much after work but I'll have to make an exception.  He doesn't care either way so he says whether or not I do it he's moving stuff so I gotta do it.  Our house is a mess.  We look like hoarders.  There is a layer of dust over everything in the kitchen.  I want our house put back together because I hate having everything a mess but I just don't feel like it.  With labor and materials it cost us about $5,900 bucks.  Jeez!!!  We spent 4k on our backyard about the same on our closet, $2,500 on the kitchen counters and back splash and about $1,600 for crown molding and painting.  It adds up.  Mind you our house is brand new.  It didn't necessarily "need" any of these things; we just wanted it.  This is our last home renovation project.  I want to do the bathroom too-just replace the shower and tub pieces and put in some tile on the floor-but that will cost us $7,000 and hubby has already said this isn't going to be our house forever even though I love it and wouldn't care if we never moved again.

I gotta text hubby back.  What to do, what to do?  I don't want to be a stick in the mud and I get the feeling he really wants me to go which is sweet.  I'll probably go.  If I screw up it's my own damn fault but that doesn't make facing the scale any better.

Still Hatin'

Did anyone catch the Miss USA pageant?  My goodness are those girls amazing.  Their evening gowns were so gorgeous and sexy.  There was only one girl who didn't look as great in a bikini as the others.  They are tall, skinny, beautiful AND well educated.  Can you imagine making it to such a huge prestigious pageant like that?  What an accomplishment.  A lot of them will go onto very successful careers and lives.  As I watched it I thought about how proud their parents must be.  It also made me think about how far from that I am.  Of course.  Because that's what I do.  And while I'm on the subject of people that I'm jealous of there is this blogger that I read who spends her days taking cooking classes, working out and picking the kids up from school.  Her life is one long vacation.  They are always traveling and doing something totally awesome like going to Vegas to watch a big fight or being invited to the VIP section at an NFL party.  She has to be wealthy based on everything she does and all the expensive restaurants they go to.  Her next big adventure?  The whole family is going to London for the 2012 Olympics.  All four of them.  Airfare alone for that vacation will probably be 5K and then if they manage to score gymnastics tickets that could easily be thousands more.  I have always dreamed of being able to go watch Gymnastics at the Olympics but chances are I'll never get to.  She is so lucky!  I was green with envy when I read that she was getting to go.  Of course she's going to the Olympics.  She's rich and her life is awesome.  Shoulda known.  I'm still hoping to go to Europe this year so I am very grateful for that chance.  I sent off the $110 and paperwork for my passport renewal last week. I've had one for 10 years and never needed it but I'm hoping this time around I will.  I actually even like my picture.

I qualified for my education incentive salary increase.  It'll go into effect on July 1st and I'll be getting $190 per month more-before taxes so I'll probably actually see about $150 or so.  It's not much but I'll take it.  From here on out I'll be only getting a $50 per month raise every year for the next five years at which time I will max out on the pay scale and not get any more raises at all.  I'm depressed just thinking about it. What I make is what I make and it's not getting much higher.  I've just got to continue to save money, keep out of debt and be financially responsible.  If, or should I say some day when, I have to buy another car I'll be putting down a huge down payment so I can afford the payment and other then that I don't intend to take on any more expenses.  The foreclosure has been updated on my credit report.  Before the foreclosure my FICO score was 775 and now it's 748.  I didn't take nearly the hit that I was expecting to.  Thank god that mess is over.  I'm told we should have nothing to worry about come tax time but I'm waiting for that time to come until I officially put it behind me. 

Thank you all for your kind comments on my pictures.  I wish I could see something I liked when I look at them but it's so hard feeling the way that I do right now.  I still hate my body more then ever for not cooperating and I'm still feeling fat.  I just can't help it.  I put on a pair of jeans that are usually a bit lose and worried that they might feel tighter now.  I'm paranoid.  I'm also super tired today.  It's not a must go gym day for me but I'm trying to force myself to go anyways for a 30 minute cardio session.  On the one hand, I'm not convinced that it'll help much but on the other hand I just feel a need to DO something.  I'm going crazy.  Jade, the ballet video that I do is called Element Ballet Conditioning.  I love the basic bar work, nice background setting and relaxing music.  I hate videos that are obviously cheaply done with bad lighting and bad backgrounds.  I'll actually not get a video if I hate the background or don't like the models in it.  I need it to at least be aesthetically pleasing if I'm going to get up, put the video in and work out.  I have come very close to getting the NYC Ballet work out many times but I over researched it and read so many reviews that I wasn't sure if I would like it or not.  I had my first Pilates Reformer class yesterday.  The machines take some getting used to.  I like it but I didn't feel like I got that much of a work out.  I'm going to try level 2 next time.

I'm sooo hungry right now that my stomach is starting to hurt.  I've been staying in the 800's-900's.   I wonder what came first...the fatigue or the hunger? Almost quitting time.  For anyone that is interested women's gymnastics will be on TV Channel NBC Sunday afternoon.  I can't wait.

Feeling Fat

117 lbs

Both pics are me yesterday after doing my Ballet exercise video.  I love this video by the way.  It's my 4th time doing it and I'm starting to get my ballerina legs back.  My Developpe's are above 90 degrees, I'm able to hold and extend further.  I feel strong and graceful since I'm not dying just trying to keep my leg up anymore and finish some of the combos in Releve and catch some air on the saute jumps.  I don't think I look that much different then I did when I was 112 lbs and my clothes don't fit any different but regardless I feel completely fat.  When the number on the scale is too high I just feel fat no matter what.  My thighs and hips feel huge.  My thigh gap is still there but is it me or is it getting smaller?  Is my chest bone becoming less pronounced?  There is always room for improvement but when I was 112 lbs I could at least enjoy feeling thin.  I was actually okay with my reflection.  Now, when I look in the mirror I see an average not necessarily all that thin girl and it makes me feel disgusted and angry.  Then I look again and I just see fat.  I'm simply not thin enough to feel good about myself.  I hate my body so much right now and I'm hating myself for being so weak and unable to lose weight.  It's so frustrating.  It's just 5 lbs (depending on the day) so why can't I do it?   

The weekend was good.  There were no major food disasters and the calories were in check but even so I'm up a pound to 117.  I've been keeping up with the water intake.  I drink the water when I'm not eating so I can accurately gauge my level of fullness from food.  Yesterday I drank 48 oz total pretty much in one sitting.  I drank 24oz and weighed myself.  1 pound up.  I drank the next 24 ounces and weighed myself a couple hours later right before I went to the bathroom and I was another pound up.  Then I weighed myself after I went to the bathroom and I was 0.5 lbs down.  For some reason it makes me feel better to know that 24 oz of water will equal about 1 lb of water weight on the scale.  Obsessed much?  I think yes.  I feel like with all this water my weight is going to fluctuate more and make it even harder to see where I'm at.  I'm not used to fluctuating a pound up a pound down then back up and all over the place so much but I know I need the water and I'm trying something new.  It's not like anything else I do is working.  To be honest if I knew for certain that doing what I'm doing would get me no higher then 118 lbs no matter what then I wouldn't be so upset.  I could live with that.  It's this fear that drives my anxiety.  The closer I get to 118 means I'm that much closer to 120 lbs which would be so awful and then after that what if it doesn't stop?  What if I can't stop it?  I picked 112 lbs because it gives me room to fluctuate and still be okay with my weight.  It's also the edge of scary skinny for me so it makes sense that it's also just one pound above what puts me at the so called 117.5 anorexic BMI.  Not that I expect to stay 112 lbs on the dot every day but if I'm truly maintaining in the range that I want to be in I should be able to hit that number at least periodically.

Oh, what a grey and ugly day it is out there!!  I'm so tired.  Going to the gym will be rough but I gotta do it.  I've been messing around all day and I probably should be writing my book since I'm not actually working and I'm not doing anything else but I'm just so tired.  Speaking of which,  for those of you who wanted to know my book is fiction.  It's about a girl who splits up with her fiance, works a job she hates and embarks on a new adventure.  That's really all I can say right now.  I actually don't even know what she's doing next.

Wannarexic, Pro Ana or Otherwise

I've noticed that Blogger eating disorder blogs are generally very different from Wordpress  eating disorder blogs.  Plenty of blogger blogs post stats, goals and thinspo but I actually haven't come across any on Wordpress that do.  Have you noticed how a lot of bloggers are on one or the other but the two worlds don't seem to really mix?  I actually don't think my blog really fits in anywhere but blogger is the best place for me.

I don't fit in with the "wannarexic" or "pro anorexic" blogs.  First of all, I'm still not really sure what it means to be either but I'd like to think that I'm not nor do I want to be seen that way.  This isn't some fad or something that I'm trying out.  I'm just doing what I've always done and have been for a long time now.  I don't post thinspo (unless you count the VS models) but I am not offended by those who do.  The pics of VS models on my blog could totally be perceived as wannarexic badges but really; it's not just about what they look like it's about how successful they are.  Those models are thin yes; but to me they also represents happiness and success...and that is how I've always wished I could be so thin has become a metaphor for what I want to be.  I post calories and food intake because well, I'm obsessed.  That's part of my problem.   I've always kept a record of my weight and food somewhere and there is nothing bizarre about the fact that I like to keep it all organized in my blog.  I'm also older.  Way too old to have care about my thigh gap so I don't fit in with any teeny bopper pro ana group.  I can't relate.  Plus, I think their thin commandment tips and tricks are totally lame.  If I read one more blog that suggests staying cold to burn more calories or cutting your food into tiny pieces to eat less I'll scream.  Cutting up your food into tiny pieces does not make you anorexic.  I have posted pics of myself but you'd never catch me taking pics of myself and making a video about my journey with Anorexia.  All those you tube videos of girls angling for the camera for maximum rib action and taking pics of their stomachs sucked in and their backs hunched over.  Is the girl in this You Tube Video wannarexic or does she have a true ED?  Her weight never seemed low enough to induce such medical complications but who am I to say? Everyone is different.  It's not for me to say that they are not skinny enough or that they do not have a real eating disorder.  There are many people who suffer from eating disorders who are not emaciated but I think those who do these videos and really don't have an eating disorder are what trivializes the reality of EDNOS.  No disrespect intended to anyone who is so called pro ana; I just don't really understand it.  I personally am not thrilled that I am a slave to numbers.  This is not fun for me but just a part of me that I can't really seem to help.  I do encourage people in their weight loss efforts but I am certainly not out looking for new recruits into the "Ana lifestyle."  It's their life and their blog and weight loss is what they want.  Who am I to say quit losing weight because you are already look just fine?  I do the same thing so I understand that we can't necessarily help this desire for thin.  If I read of a blogger who is mentally and physically not doing well I definitely don't encourage them to keep it up but I do encourage fellow bloggers who are already caught up in this madness to always strive for that balance between thin and healthy.  It makes me sad to see so many wrapped up in this but it's not up to me to change them (nor can I) so I can only encourage and support.

I don't fit in with the eating disorder blogs because I don't have a "real" eating disorder.  Most of those bloggers will crucify you for posting thinspo or triggering numbers.  I do hide over here at blogger because it's where I feel comfortable.  I follow a few Word Press blogs and when I comment I don't leave my blog link for fear of being judged.  I don't fit in with the recovery blogsbecause I still restrict my foods, am generally obsessed with being thin and can't ever be in recovery from an ED I never had.  Plus, I don't want to be accused of "triggering" people who are trying to recover.  I don't fit in with the regular diet and exercise blogs because by most standards my diet is super extreme and I'd actually be embarrassed to talk about what I eat and do amongst those circles.  I think I would be criticized for it and called unhealthy.  It's okay for "normal" diet and exercise bloggers to post intake, exercise and weight goals but when you cross over to the disordered line it's suddenly not okay.  You are labeled pro anorexic and therefore setting a bad example.

I have a non anonymous blog that is filled with mostly rainbows and sunshine.  That's part of me too and depending on where I'm at mentally those things find their way over here too.  But there is also a dark and sad side that often centers around my weight and food that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly and I like it that I can do that here anonymously without shame.  I seek out bloggers who I feel that I can relate to.  It's been great to have this community.  I do think that most of the folks I interact with here have issues they are dealing with like me and it's not really for me to say if they are "wannarexic" or not.  At least they get me.   And the thing about pro Ana bloggers is that they don't judge.  If you have a passion or an illness as it were for starving yourself thin you are accepted with no questions asked.  My blog definitely represents me.  I'm not trying to be pro anorexic or fake an eating disorder.  I'm just me being me and beyond that I can't really worry too much about what I am perceived as.  I may not fit, but I definitely identify with anyone who struggles with disordered eating behaviors. Wanna, Ana or otherwise.

Moving On

Yesterday~~~~
942 Cals
369 Exercise
573 Net

I dragged my exhausted butt to the gym yesterday.  It was AWFUL! I was so tired and I'm even more tired today because for some odd reason I didn't sleep well.  I managed to do 45 minutes on the elliptical and burn 350 cals.  At the gym some guy asked me if I was a long distance runner.  He says I had that "look."  I'll take it as a compliment because those runners are super lean and fit.  They say being underweight takes it's toll on your body and you age faster.  I saw this lady that does what seems like hours on the spinning bike.  She has veins in her arms and is pretty skinny.  You can tell she is in shape but she still has this old skinny lady broken down look about her.  She is shaped like a 12 year old boy and is only about 5' or so with no chest or hips to speak of.  I definitely don't ever want to look like her.  I'm more athletic then hourglass but I won't ever look like a little boy.  I just don't want that broke down aging starved look.  My hope was renewed when I saw this super lean lady in 7-11 this morning.  You could tell she was older but she was tall, slim, feminine and looked good.  Not all broken down.  That's how I want to look.  Although, really I'd love it if I could get to an age where I just don't give a damn.

I'm going back to the gym again today.  I have to.  Hubby made Spaghetti with whole wheat pasta and chicken sausage for dinner.  Bless his heart he only fixed me a small portion.  He says he knew that's all I would want.  It was really yummy and my stomach started growling right after I ate it.  Then, for dessert I had Dryer's Vanilla light ice cream.  It has only 100 cals for 1/2 cup and tastes way more indulgent then it is.  Because I went to the gym I didn't feel bad about going into the 900's.  I was so tired that I was in bed by 9pm and just hoped for the best today on the scale.  It did go down so I'm happy.  It will motivate me to go on back to the gym even though all I will want to do is drive straight home today.  I went #2 again this morning.  That's several days in a row now without a miss.  Awesome!

117.0: Bikini Casting

I had a casting yesterday.  The wardrobe.  Bikini.  I walked in and stripped down to a bikini.  Stood on the black T they always put out for you in front of the white back drop.  He saw me make a beeline for it and said "You're a pro."  Ha!  I might be a pro at castings but not necessarily a pro at booking the job.  I held a number up at my hip and a guy snapped a picture.  Then he got a close up of my face and then I turned around and looked over my shoulder for one last shot.  In and out.  It took all of 5 minutes.  It was towards the end so there wasn't anybody else around which was pretty good.  I haven't done one of those in a while.  It's for a spa company.  I am doubtful that I will get it but if I do it pays good bucks.  So that's why I at least have to try even though the odds are slim to none.  It was really cool that they ran the casting until 7:30pm which they never do-so I didn't have to miss work or stress and try to squeeze it in on my lunch break.  Hubby asked how it went when I got home.  I said "Your guess is as good as mine."  That's really how it is.  There is no "doing" to it to judge performance.  It's just you.  They either like the way you look or they don't. 

Work has been so busy!  I'm trying to finish up last minute projects and there are meetings to go over what I'm in the middle of and how we can make the transition.  I'll be in my new position next week for two days then it's off to vacation.
I've been kind of a yo yo these last couple of days.  Flip flopping between 116.5 and 117.  I kinda got to thinking.  What good will it do me to bust my butt and get my weight really low and awesome only to go on my honeymoon and feel like crap for ruining it?  I guess that is kind of a loser attitude but logical.  I'm definitely going to try to maintain at least but I am just not going to worry too much about loosing right now.  I am gonna eat more on my honeymoon.  It's inevitable.  I am also going to work out which will probably just be enough to make a dent in some of the pounds I am going to gain.  When I feel super fat that is when I am most motivated so I figure that's the time.  I'll focus on loosing then.

Saturday Eats: [850] 117

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240)
• Lunch: FF Pringles (140)
• Dinner:  Subway-Ham 6" (360), Beer (110)

Sunday Eats: [950] 116.5

• Breakfast:  Cinamon Biscuits (450)
• Snack:  FF Pringles (150)
• Dinner:  Spaghetti (250), Wine (100)

Monday Eats: [1130] 117

• Breakfast :  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  RF Wheat Thins (150)
• Snack:  Mini Cookies (200)
• Dinner:  Subway Ham 6" (360), FF Pringles (70)
• Snack:  Twizzlers (60)

Exercise:  Jump Rope and Walking

Tuesday Eats:  [960] 117

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  Assorted munchies (250)
• Dinner:  Pizza (300)
• Snack: Twizzlers (120)

117.0: Battle of The Scales

I didn't weigh in on the other one today 'cause hubby went into work late so he was still home and I don't like to appear obsessive about anything food or scale related around him.  But yesterday the scale in our bathroom that only measures in whole and half numbers was 117 and the one in the other bathroom was 116.2.  If the other bathroom scale was correct then the one in our bathroom should have read 116.5.  The other bathroom scale has been consistently lower all week.  I've been contemplating if I should switch scales and start using the other as my primary weigh in scale.  It is more precise since it measures every tenth but on the other hand I don't want to start obsessing over every tenth when obsessing over 1/2 tenths seems to be enough to deal with.  I think it also ends up causing me to push myself more because I see no progress until I reach a 1/2 pound point and can't get happy over being down tenths. 

It is truly a gift to be 117 after what I ate yesterday.  I was starving that morning hence the extra crackers with Peanut Butter at breakfast time.  Then, Chicken Casadillas!  Love 'em!  But each tortilla is 130 cals and when you add in the cheese that really adds up.  It's the highest cals I've had all week.  I can say this 'cause I didn't gain but on the one hand I think it was good to up the cals for just one day so my body doesn't feel to starved.  It could have turned out very badly with my body hanging onto it since I haven't been feeding it too much.  Anyhow, the meal was good.  I felt satisfied and content but not stuffed afterwards.  It gave me some relief from the hunger and I didn't have to pay for it on the scale.  But-I don't think I can eat.  Quite the contrary I know I have to watch those cal's like a hawk and I will just consider myself lucky after yesterday. 

Thank goodness hubby said he didn't want any tortilla chips which was great because that eliminated the temptation for me.  He also says he wants to start eating low carb.  Which is AWESOME!  That means for dinner we will have a meal like Chicken breast or some other protein and lots of veggies.  I can't think of anything else to eat on a low carb diet.  So far everything I've made mostly includes pasta just because I don't know how to make much of anything else.  I'm not the best cook and usually those are just easy.  I'll start looking up low carb recipes and that will be what we'll shop for next time we go to the grocery store.

Yesterday's Eats: [1340]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Crackers & P Butter (300)
• Lunch:  FF Pringles (140)
• Dinner:  Casadilla (550), Beer (110)

117.0: Size 0

I went shopping yesterday.  Again!  I ended up getting two long sleeved shirts at Express with my coupon. So I spent $30 on two cotton tops.  Size Small.  While I was there I grabbed a size 0 pair of pants just to see if they'd fit.  They were sitting next to a pair of 00's but I didn't touch those.  I pulled them on and they fit.  With a little room to spare even.  I feel like sizes have gotten bigger over the years.  Meaning sizes have grown.  Vanity sizing maybe?  The sizes in my closet are mostly 2's, 3's, 26's & 27's. When I bought my most recent 2's at The Limited there was room to spare.  There were even some pants I tried on that I needed a 0 and so I didn't get them.  A lot of my jeans that are 27 probably could be 26 but I don't like super tight even though it looks hot.  Anyhow, I remember back in 04 I had dropped down to 0 so for some reason I just didn't consider myself as a 0 now which is why I think the sizes may have gotten bigger.  I wish I had some of those old 0's to see if they still fit.

I feel like a bit of a bum.   I did some errands yesterday and then basically cleared out my DVR.  The whole night was spent on the couch.  I did clean out the fridge and do dishes and the errands I needed to but I still feel lazy.  Oh well.  That's what weekends are for.  I'll be cleaning house next weekend.  When hubby is gone I miss him.  The only thing I don't miss is his stuff and him leaving crap all over the place.  I am making chicken casadilla's for dinner.  I always want to make dinner for him when he comes home on weekend's to welcome him home.  I picked up all the stuff he likes to put in his and I know he appreciates it.

Making progress on the numbers.  I kind of have a constant light hunger headache.  I did left over steak so that was good protein and then some snacks to fight the hunger. I was proud of myself for fighting the urge to buy candy when I was at Walmart yesterday.   Cal's were close to 1k but the only substantial heavy food of the day was the steak.  2.5 Pounds lost in 1 week.  I don't intend to blow it.

Yesterday's Eats: [920]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240)
• Dinner:  Steak (200), FF Pringles (180)
• Snack: Popcorn (200), Pecan Twirl (100)

A Slippery Slope

Yesterday's Eats: [1168]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (235), Snackwell (55), Coffee (50), 3 Hash Brown Sticks (170)
• Lunch:  RF Cheese It's (150)
• Snack:  Yoplait (80)
• Dinner:  Salad (200), String Cheese (80)
• Snack:  RF Ice cream Sandwich (148)

I didn't do so hot yesterday.  A co worker offered the hash brown sticks.  All 5 of 'em and I am proud of myself though for looking them up BEFORE shoving them into my mouth and deciding that 3 was a more reasonable amount.  Dreading happy hour today.  Nothing healthy is EVER on the happy hour menu and that's what I want to order off of because the idea of eating for $5 bucks is just too cool to pass up.  I am not going to look at this gain as an excuse to blow it now.  I have a three day Labor day weekend ahead of me.  This maintaining business is a slippery slope.  I am going to be soooo careful and deliberate about anything I put into my mouth.

It's really sad how I sit on my computer at work and blog all day. My job is awesome!  But really, I don't get paid enough to bust my butt. I do good work and I get it done. It's just not that difficult a job. When there is work to do I am all about business but when I know I can take my time I do. And end up on the Internet! I constantly check my blogs.  I update, make changes, search out other blogs and wait for someone to post something new so I can read it.  I am starting to feel some pain in my neck and my wrist from being on the computer all day every day. 

There Is No Magic Formula

Yesterday's Eats: [1215]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), 2 Snackwells (110)
• Dinner:  15 RF Ritz  (210) w/Peanut Butter (180), 1 1/2 serving FF pringles (105), String Cheese (80)
• Snack:  Candy (240),  Apple (50)

I had a suggestion to quit processed foods but I honestly don't know where to start with that. It seems like a lot of work and almost EVERYTHING is processed. I think I would be miserable. The other suggestion was to watch sodium so I explored that. The highest probably for the things I normally eat is about 250 for the RF Cheese It's. So many things have sodium-likely because they are processed! I checked out the sodium content on everything I ate yesterday and it was 1161. I don't think I am at the level that it is excessive enough to cause chronic water retention. I used to eat way more sodium when I was addicted to pretzels and ate canned soups for dinners several nights a week. It's a miracle how I lost any weight at all! BUT-I will certainly make a point never to go back to those canned soups. And those frozen entrees! Whoa. Lots of sodium. If I did, I'd have to limit those to days where I have hardly eaten anything else.

In an attempt to come up with a plan to change things up to chip away at this weight problem I looked up high fiber foods.  I am planning to focus on beans since I love 'em, broccoli, Apples, and whole wheat pasta instead of regular if I must.  Bran Flakes are up there but then that involves milk and the inability to control myself on cereal.  Maybe some bran scoops in my yogurt would work?  I will have to be wary of the canned beans sodium content [processed, grrrr] BUT although they take a long time to cook they are easy enough to make that I could consider going fresh.  I need to get my bowels moving so I can actually get rid of some of my intake. 

There are so many things to look out for.  Carbs, fat, calories, protein....sodium?  What is one to do?  It's enough to make you just say forget it.  I applaud anyone who can go 100% whole foods-or NO foods for that matter.  It really takes a lot of the guess work and the pit falls out of your diet.  I've mostly focused on calories and fat over the years.  I did have a phase where I focused on carbs because I was desperate and having a hard time with weight loss.  It's like this intricate dance with so many steps and combinations that must be done perfectly in time to the music to look good. You miss one thing and the whole effect is ruined.

Saturday was gluttonous.  I actually had real food.  I was at mom's so on top of the PBJ that morning I had a FF yogurt with my big sis.  Then, there was a small piece of fried chicken, cabbage, and beans w/the smallest bit of rice.  Oh, the beans.  They did their trick and I had a BM that night.  I had a small glass of wine AND a scoop of RF ice cream.  All the while analyzing each food choice in my head and how it felt inside my stomach.  Was I full?  Did I go too far?  Only the scale will tell.  And for once it told me that I had not.  I had a great Sunday morning weigh in.  117.5.  I did NOT let it go to my head.  The reality is that I can't eat like a normal person and get away with it so just because I had one successful day does not mean I am out of the woods.  Not even close.

Yesterday's snack dinner was this random assortment of weirdness including the very high in fat but much loved Peanut Butter. I tasted one just to see if it was as good as I remembered and if I could do without them. But no. For some reason I wanted them and nothing else would do. I might as well do it now while hubby is out of town.  That night before bed I stepped on the scale.  117.5 STILL.  "YES!!!!"  And after tallying up the calories today it's really not so great.  Last week I probably would have gained a pound.

My stomach is wonderfully flat.  No pooch or bulge to be seen.  Concave when I suck in a little further.  Beautiful, but I doubt it will last.  I have discovered a pattern.  The birth control pill aggravates my fibroids and causes them to bulge and distend my perfectly flat belly.  I also think they might be the culprit for a lot of my water retention.  Saturday and Sunday when I peed.  I peed.  Not some pathetic trickle but a full stream that emptied my body of the horrible fluids that I have been retaining for weeks...months even.  I didn't drink more water then usual so I couldn't really figure out where all of it was coming from.  I got a little gun shy of the water so although I know I shouldn't I held back.  I just needed to see some low numbers again.  I needed to know it was possible and I didn't want to risk it with the water.  The last few months have been rough.  Even a week without the pill did nothing before but this time around I was rewarded.  My body decided that it would finally do what I have been willing it to do all along and I am grateful but I hate it that there is no explanation.  There seems to be no magic formula that works the way it is supposed to all the time.  I hate it that even if I change nothing and continue to do what I am doing my body could still choose to turn on me and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I got on the pill because A-I am having sex and don't want a baby and B-I was bleeding during sex.  Two years ago the doctor said that it could be due to the fibroids and that a pill could alleviate that.  It did.  But now, I am going to consider other birth control methods.  I HATE the bulging fibroids and the possible water retention it may or may not be causing.  I do not want to bleed during sex.  It was an alarming amount of blood and it was disgusting.  Hubby was so sweet and patient about it but it made me feel horrible and embarrassed.  It made me hold back on wanting sex and I need all the help I can get to get into it.  I want a good sex life with my husband.  So, I'll just have to discuss my options with my doctor and see if something else might also take care of the bleeding so I can get off the pill.  Perhaps an IUD? or Nuva Ring? 

I didn't change a thing and the numbers went down but I am teetering on the edge.  I plan to up the fiber and be concious of sodium.  I also need to drink more water even though I am terrified of water weight right now.  I have to be really careful even though I am really at the mercy of my body regardless of  what I put or don't put into my mouth.  Imagine if I'd totally given up and started pigging out when it was just water weight all along?  I just have to do my job and I really hope that my body cooperates.   I feel so much better with my numbers right now and I really need it to stay that way.  I waited until just before bedtime to take the first of my next cylce of pills again.  Please don't make me fat!  I am terrified of feeling out of control again and gaining.

The BBQ Test

Yesterday's Eats:  950 Cals

• PBJ (235), Coffee (50)
• Pretzels (150), FF Pringles (50)
• Skinny Cow Ice cream Sandwich (140)
• FF Candies (100)
• Lean Ground Beef Casserole (250), Broccoli (25)

I was really good yesterday.  I did eat some candies but I came home like a good wife and made my husband dinner.  I ate a very small portion of it.  I was still hungry afterwards which is basically the goal here.  It's the only way that I can truly know that I have not over eaten which is really critical right now.  

It is great to have hubby back.  He is so hot.  When I haven't seen him for a while I just stare at him and even get a little shy.  I can't believe this man is my husband sometimes.  We cuddled all night long and I loved it.  

It's gloomy and I absolutely do not feel like going to this BBQ but I must.  I am so determined not to let it spoil my progress.  I did have a PBJ this morning which I maybe could have skipped given the huge amount of food I will be exposed to today.  But, I really wanted it and I was hungry.  My goal for the BBQ is to stay hungry.  I need to decide what I want to do.  Either snack on a few sides, drink, or eat one main dish.  I have to do this right or else it will mess up everything I have worked for this week.  

I weighed in at 117.5 this morning then took a dump [finally] and ended up at 117 so I will use that as today's weight since it occurred in the morning right after waking up.  Damn this BBQ!!!!!

My Wedding Rocked

I stopped posting.  I got really busy with family coming into town for the wedding.  You can't just sit in front of your laptop when you have folks in town visiting with you.  I also just got fed up with myself and my body.  And the damn scale.  I was so annoyed with myself for waiting so long to finally try to make an effort to drop some pounds and then mad at myself when I failed miserably.  What did I expect anyways?  I weighed in at 118 on my wedding day and you know what?  When I look at pics I look great and I had the time of my life.  My arms look thin and toned.  My waist looks tiny and my shoulders look slight and bony even.  I've always had prominent collarbones.  When I see pics from the back you actually can see my shoulder blades sticking out-which I never knew they did that.  Everyone said how beautiful I looked.  I even got compared to Barbie.  So, what am I complaining about?  What am I beating myself up over?   Yesterday morning hubby's aunt said "My gosh what size are you?"  Everyone says I'm tiny.  Why can't that be good enough?

Wedding week I just sort of gave in and gave up food wise. The scale would not go down. My body would not cooperate and it was all just way too frustrating. I didn't binge or flat out pig out though and I suppose my give up is still probably less then what a lot of people eat. Even in "give up mode" I still didn't top out above 118...well maybe 118.5 for one day or two in there. Which was strange. I put all of this effort into it and was 118 then I sort of give up and I'm still 118. Then today I am 117. HUH?? Yesterday I had, Coffee, Cookie at work and an at home sandwich for dinner.

My wedding was absolutely the most wonderful amazing day.  It flew by like you would not believe and there were some very stressful moments and not everything went right but it was so great and I will never ever forget it as long as I live.  I got to have a wedding.  Me.  A person who never has the best of anything.  Me, who usually has to settle.  Not this time.  And really, not since hubby came into my life two years ago.  He doesn't settle for less then what he wants and he believes that I shouldn't have to either.  Starting with him, I have things I have always deserved but just wouldn't allow myself to enjoy.  The fact that hubby does not settle and he picked ME.  Well that should tell me something.  I was a princess for the day and it rocked.  I threw this amazing party.  I got to pick everything the way I wanted it to be.  I picked the colors, the food, and decided where everyone would sit.  Friends and family came out and had a great time.  I called the shots.  I put it together.  I was the center of attention for the whole day.  I normally don't crave this kind of thing or seek it out but for that one day I had it because it was my wedding and it felt amazing. 
 
When it was time for me to get dressed everyone in the room was looking at me and when they zipped it up I was struck by how lucky I was to be able to do this.  I got to wear this amazingly gorgeous dress.  My hair and make up was perfect.  I model so professional hair and make up is nothing new to me but even still, I felt more beautiful then I ever have before.  When I peaked out from behind the door and saw our friends and family seated and waiting for everything to start it sort of took my breath away.  I never in a million years dreamed of having a fairy tale wedding like this.  It was such a relief once the ceremony started because now the planning and organizing was over.  All that was left was to walk down the aisle and then have a blast at my reception.

I cried just a few words into my vows and by the end of it there was hardly a dry eye.  I have never seen my hubby cry and he did that day in front of everyone.  I got to stand there and finally tell everyone just how much I love this man. I got to tell everyone how he changed my life and has made me happier then I have ever been. There were so many tears of joy through out the day.  I didn't expect to cry.  We are already married.  He's been my secret husband for two years now so what's the big deal?  There just  something about a wedding.  This celebration that is specifically designed to celebrate your love.  The people you love and care about most are there.  They are so happy for you.  It is so emotional.  There is nothing else like it.  It truly was magical.

After it was over I kind of felt relief.  "Wow, I don't have to stress over wedding stuff anymore."  Hubby and I can just be normal.  Then, on the other hand I had such an amazing time and loved the whole experience so much I was thinking, "I want to do it again!!!"  As a child I never dreamed of my wedding day and as an adult I never believed it was something I could have.  "My goodness what is all the hoopla about?" I used to wonder.  And now I know and am so grateful it's something I got to experience first hand.

It was worth every single penny we spent.  They say "It's just one day" but it is a really big day and it is so worth it if you get to have one.  I stressed big time over the expense.  I didn't know if I could seriously justify a big old party but it really was more then that.  I'm so glad that hubby insisted that we could do this.  We should do this.  Everyone said I deserve to have this wedding and I wasn't fully convinced it was worth it but now I know it is.  Granted, if I'd spent 20k on it I might feel differently but we did it the right way for us.  We spent a little over $11k just for the day of stuff not counting wardrobe and rehearsal dinner and a lot of other extra things that just kind of add up like invites etc.  We also paid cash so we don't owe a dime for it.  I said no to a lot of things to keep costs down but I still got so much of what I wanted.  Yeah, that is a lot of money for one day but as budget conscious as I am I would do it again in a heartbeat.  Some things really are worth it and it is nice that I didn't have to settle or deprive myself of something wonderful just to save a buck.

I went back to work yesterday morning.  His aunts and mom left town yesterday afternoon.  I got all teary eyed when I said good bye.  They became part of this whole wedding experience because they were right there during the days leading up to it.  How special is that?  They are such sweet fun ladies and although having house guests seemed a bit exhausting at first because of the change in routine etc but I got over it real fast.  I had so much fun with them and it really was great having them here and getting to know them better.

Lazy

Hubby was too tired for brunch Sunday so that was actually a good thing.  I did not need to be faced with that.  Last night I told hubby I was going downstairs to eat and didn't.  When I weighed myself I was 118.5!!  For eats so far that day I'd had non fat frozen yogurt and had a healthy bowel movement so I was kind of surprised that my weight had gone up so much.  It meant no dinner.  Which was only supposed to be a sandwich anyways but seeing that number told me not to have even that.  I grabbed a few tortilla chips (140 cals), a piece of string cheese (80 cals) and 1 pecan twirl (100 cals).  Technically, I probably could have just eaten the sandwich right!  It's psycological though.  A sandwich feels too meal like and with the other stuff it feels more like a snack which is more acceptable.  And I know that if I'd eaten the sandwich I still would have wanted the little snacks on the side so this way at least I cut out the sandwich.  Yogurt to me is pretty satisfying anyways so I didn't need much more anyhow.  It is not yoplait kind of yogurt it's peanut butter and coffee flavored yogurt, non fat, and it's in a good sized portion. It's delicious.  I can use it as a meal easy.  In fact, I would love to go on a non fat frozen yogurt diet where I eat that for dinner every night after restricting.  They are about $3.50 each so I guess it would add up but I could cut costs by only eating half at a time. 

I did ok last week with hubby's dinner that he finally made on Wednesday.  It was stir fry.  The problem with hubby is that he's such a good cook that everything he makes tastes like it came out of a restaurant.  This beef and broccoli stir fry was so good!  Wednesday night I had a small portion then I ate a small portion of it for dinner the next day too so I was pleased with myself.  Hubby finished it off last night so it's GONE!  But tonight is.....burger night!!!  They are very lean though-only 150 cals per patty.  Jeez, I don't know how I am not the size of a house right now.  Eating minimally at work seems to be the key for me right now.  Along with portion control-which I've been doing pretty good with-for now at least.  I sort of have to talk myself through it and tell my self NO when I am tempted to get seconds.  I am doing just as good a job of maintaining my weight now as I did when I was starving and exercising my butt off non stop.  Now, I do neither one of those.  Go figure.  If only I'd known that it was possible.  I do have to be very careful not to go overboard and there are plenty of times when I am so hungry I want to eat my left arm.  I've accepted that hunger is to be a part of my life, but it's not to the extreme all or nothing that it used to be which means I must have found some sort of balance.  Somehow.  No matter how tenuous.

Now, if I could only get my lazy butt motivated enough to up the ante and throw some exercise in the mix....You'd think that my upcoming wedding would motivate me.  But when everyone keeps telling you how skinny you are sometimes you get a little complacent.  A little lazy.  When my pants fit tight or I know that number is going way up you best believe I get all the motivation in the world to be strict with my intake.  I still have not managed to do what it would take to get down to 115.  Funny, how that's only TWO measly little pounds but it would take so much work to get there and stay there.

I Threw Up In A Bar

It's funny how when so called "thin" people are buzzed or drunk everyone keeps saying "She needs to eat."  How do they know I didn't?  They just assume that I need food.  There is all this buzzing about "well what did you eat?" as if that MUST be the problem.  They just so happen to be right.  I didn't eat nearly enough to absorb all of the alcohol I drank but still.  I just find that kind of funny that it's always assumed that's why I can't hold my liquor. 

After a work day of usual work snacks I headed out to happy hour with my friends.  I started out with a wine, then had another.  Then, it was on to two glasses of champagne.  Then, the patron shot showed up in front of me.  Aside from my work snacks I was going on 2 cheese sticks, cheese, veggies, and some tortilla chips.  All of a sudden I felt like crap and grabbed my friend to go with me to the bathroom.  I squatted down in the bathroom stall and listened to everyone tell me that I needed food.  Well, obviously it's a little late for that.  I keep drinking the tiny little cups of water my friend brings me.  I felt like I was getting a little better so I stood up only to find that I was not better at all.  I feel like I want to die and just when I think I really am I finally let loose.  With my two friends watching from the slightly open doorway I finally tossed my cookies.  I didn't even squat down to do it.  I just turned my head over the toilet from a standing position in the corner right next to the toilet.  I HATE throwing up.  I have always felt like a failure because I can't make myself do it at will.   Which is just as well because I'd hate to ruin my pearly whites and figure in the long run it's more trouble then it's worth.  I already put myself at risk with my eating habits-I don't need that to throw in the mix as well.  One minute I feel like death warmed over but as soon as my body got rid of all of that toxic alcohol I felt like a whole new person.  I dusted myself off.  Wiped off my pant leg.  I chewed some gum and drank some water.   I was good to go again.  We only stayed for about an hour after that.  Just enough time to sober up and hit the road for home.  I got home around 11:30 am and stumbled into bed.  I have not over drank in soooo long.  I am way too old for that but hey, sometimes it happens.  We had a lot of fun,  it's been a while since we all hung out and I didn't even have a hang over so it's all good.

Of course it crossed my mind that I hopefully threw up some food in the process but based on the scale today I don't really think that worked out so well.  Back in my single days when over drinking was more common I can remember dry heaving and vomiting bile the morning after because there was nothing left in my stomach to come up.  I liked that confirmation of knowing that I truly was empty.  Just the way I always wanted to be.

Casting

I took a slightly extended lunch break today to go to a print casting.  As soon as I read the e mail from my agent I KNEW I had to do it.  It is dance related.  They asked us to wear tight black pants and a neutral shirt.  I love movement.  I love dance and I have a fit dancer type body so I knew I had to try to go get this one even though modeling is not very realistic for me to do right now with full time work. 

I rushed there and changed in the car before I got out.  I went in, filled out my bio sheet and got my zed card out.  Then I waited.  They had some little snaffu with the camera and lights.  I started getting nervous because I was in meter parking and I only have an hour lunch break.

Finally, it was my turn.  I got to watch a few others make a fool out of themselves before me so I was ready for it.  They put you on a black piece of tape and say "Start moving."  And so I did.  I kicked my legs, twirled, jumped, and arched my arms in the most graceful way that I could.  They told me to just keep it going and snapped pics the whole time.  It was awesome because I know they liked me and I know the other girls watching knew that I was good.  They were impressed by my lines and my muscle tone.  I got to see some of my pics up on the computer monitor and they looked pretty darn good.  I was out of breath by the time I was finished.  Whether or not I get this I know I did a good job.  I gave it my all and I think I am right for it.  Granted.  I WANT THIS JOB!!  I will have to call in sick next week to work it but it pays $1500 and goodness knows I NEED IT!!  I love modeling and I can't do it so much anymore because of my stupid full time job.   Every now and then when something comes up I am motivated not only by love for modeling but by my desire to get a nice pay check.  There is no where else that I could make $1500 in a day unless I was a prostitute. 

I hurried back to work.  Parked and changed back into my jeans inside my car.  I gathered my things and strolled back in as if I'd just been out somewhere eating a sandwich.  I was about 20 minutes late but I don't think anybody missed me.  Normally after a casting I don't hold my breath.  I just do the casting and put it out of my head because you can't drive yourself crazy wondering if you got it or risk total devastation if you don't.  So, this one will be no different.  If I get it I do and if I don't I don't but I am certainly glad that I went out there and gave it my best shot.

Stuck on 117

I've been moving all weekend and one thing I've discovered is that moving makes me HUNGRY!  Granted we worked non stop from Friday morning to Sunday night moving heavy objects, organizing, and sorting out everything in our new place.  We also have no food to snack on or a refrigerator for that matter.  We would go hours and hours moving and going and I would not have even stopped for water.  The worst I did was Friday night after going ALL day on Pan De Leche which is basically two dinner rolls and some coffee.  We got Pizza Hut.  Oh my goodness was it delicious.  Saturday we did Subway.  Sunday I got Taco Bell and yesterday I got Subway.  It's been basically a snack in the morning, constant movement all day and then eating at night and more work. 

I must say that I am disappointed that with all the stress and activity that I haven't lost weight but if someone asked me if I would be happy to eat whatever I wanted for the rest of my life and always remain stuck on 117lbs the answer would be YES!!!!!!  I still am told that I look "thin."  It's not a terrible weight for me it's just that I get so scared as I inch closer to 118 because that's closer to 120 where I really feel uncomfortable.  When I feel out of control my reaction is to LOOSE or else!!  I am totally dehydrated and I know it.  My urine is way too dark.

Yesterday I was totally good for nothing at work.  Useless.  I was tired.  I had no energy and I couldn't focus.  I feel much better today and now that we are starting to get things a bit more organized in the house I am feeling more settled.  I am flat broke!  Literally down to dollars.  This has been such a tough month financially.  I can't wait to start buying some things for the house after payday.  We have spent SO MUCH MONEY!  It is CRAZY!  Our bedroom set and sectional was about $3800.  Our fridge was $2300.  Our washer/dryer and window coverings are still pending.  Not to mention we need to get our closet re done since I took it ALL!! 

It is so awesome to be in the new house.  It's quiet.  I have my own garage to park in.  There is space.  Hubby and I aren't bumping into each other.  When we go back to the condo and I see that raggedy street with all of these questionable people hanging around and I look at that tiny tiny space the size of a bedroom I can't believe I lived there for 5 years.  I'm so glad to be moving onto bigger and better.  Finally.

Are We Moving Or What?

Yesterday's Eats

• Breakfast:  Pan De Leche (2), Coffee
• Lunch:  Salad, bread, cupcake
• Dinner:  Zip, Zero, Nada

Yesterday they had an employee appreciation luncheon thingy for us outside on the patio.  It was really, really nice.  I guess they just sort of figured that practically everyone is on a diet these days and went with it.  There was diet soda, homemade bread, fat free dressing and a salad bar.  It was awesome.  I could go back for seconds and not even feel bad about it.

I couldn't eat anything the rest of the day.  I got home after work and saw that the scale said 117.5 and figured I'd better just skip dinner or else.  I went and watched hubby play dodge ball and by the time we got home it was just after nine.  I showered and got ready for bed.  I am a little disappointed that I wasn't able to drop any more weight after skipping dinner.  I'm hungry but it's not really getting to me that much right now.  I'm about to eat my Pan De Leche and some coffee. 

I am so stressed out with all of this moving or not moving as it were crap.  The bank completely led us to believe that we could sign our docs yesterday and basically left us hanging.  The only voice of reason was Jen at the sales office.  She said, "Look, based on my report it's not going to happen today."  At least then we could get on with our night and stop waiting for a call that was never going to come.  There is still hope that we can move tomorrow but the waiting game continues on today and I would really appreciated it if the bank would be up front with us on if it's going to happen or not so we can adjust our plans.