Juicing to Healthy Eats

I did my juice fast last week starting Wednesday and ending on Friday afternoon.  I debated about breaking the fast that day and probably would have continued were it not for a planned lunch with my mom and sister.  BUT-I made a great food choice so I'm okay with it and technically it was still 72 hours.  We went to PF Chang's and I just got Their Buddha meal which is Steamed Veggies, Tofu and Brown rice.  I felt so proud of myself and despite eating out every single day since Friday that streak has continued.  Normally, it's where I fail but I just couldn't do it this time.

I started my fast at 123 on Wednesday and by Friday I was 119.6 lbs.  After breaking the fast and eating on Saturday I was 120 lbs and I have maintained that weight all weekend.  I seriously can't believe it.  Saturday morning for breakfast I got egg whites and added a bit of hubby's chorizo into it.  I felt satisfied all day and when I went home and sat on the couch to watch TV there was no snacking.  I didn't eat again until we went out that night.  For dinner that night I got a Chicken Caesar Salad.  I ate out TWICE in one day and did not gain.  This is quite a miracle.

My older sister however didn't do so well.  She is overweight and exercises like crazy but she can't seem to get her diet together.  We hung out together with my family on Friday and Sunday.  Thursday they ordered Pizza, wings and potato wedges at my mom's house.  Thank god I wasn't there.  Friday her and my mom got the PF Chang's four course meal that includes dessert.  She also had a beer there and then came home and had one at my house.  Saturday she ate more Pizza, wings and potato wedges.  On Sunday when we went out to breakfast with my dad she got the Cinnastack French Toast which is basically French Toast that eats like a cinnamon roll.  I got an egg white omelet hold the cheese.  I did have one of my mom's pancake but it was just one and I knew it wouldn't mess me up as it was only 153 cals.  Seeing my sister so out of control was a reflection of exactly what I've been doing for months and months on end.  It was almost sad to see that she wasn't strong enough to fight the food cravings.   Normally my food cravings beat me down but this time I won!  I feel like this is the first time that I have actually broke my fast the way that I should have with mostly clean eats.  Well, I have but never for more then 1 day which is not enough.  I did gain, but I didn't even feel so bad about it because it was 0.4 and not a whole pound and I have maintained since. 

Today I started the Advocare herbal cleanse.  A few people at work have been talking about it so I figured I'd give it a try.  Thinplse; here is the link if you are interested in checking it out.  I ordered mine on Amazon.  It's 10 days of a mix of a powder fiber drink mixed with water, pro biotic pill packets and cleansing pill packets.  The directions tell you what days to take which things and what time of day to do it.  Today was just the fiber drink; which is 70 calories.  That kinda sucks but oh well.  When I get home it's day 1 of the 30 days shred.  I have two happy hours to go to this week but I am determined that I will not screw up.  I actually feel confident about being able to keep this going.  I have my foods planned out for those meals out already and I just need to stick with it.  My sodium has been a little higher then I would like but I've been free flowing all weekend and had a BM this morning.

I was going to do food pics but then I missed out on a few foods so here are screen shots from Lose it instead.  I'm feeling pretty good right now and I'm going to try really hard to keep it up.  

I'm an Idiot

I feel like a complete idiot.  We just had a meeting at work and I had absolutely no clue what was going on.  My co worker on the other hand is super smart.  When information is presented she takes it in, processes it and is able to understand it on the spot.  Or at least know enough to ask questions until she does understand.  Me on the other hand.  Totally clueless.  It's not rocket science but it was like they were speaking another language.  I faked it.  I pretended to know what was going on but I really didn't.  I'm going to have to go through everything on my own so that I can even begin to understand what went down.  It's another reason why I'm not cut out to have a "real" career and why I won't ever make a lot of money.  I'm just not as sharp as I would need to be for that.  I'm a good employee.  I'm organized.  I have good ideas.  I'm not 100% idiot just part idiot.

It's funny how that meeting that was right after our employee awards ceremony where I was actually a nominee for outstanding employee of the year.  Shocking.  Anybody can nominate anybody so it's not that big of a deal but your name goes on the program and you are recognized.  In order to win the award you have to get the most votes out of all the nominees.  I did not win.  I was mostly happy about that because I did not want to give a speech.  I hate public speaking.  That's another area that I am weak in terms of having a career goes.  You really can't be afraid to speak in front of people and you need to be confident in your knowledge and abilities.  So anyways.  There's that.

I'm having a hard time staying motivated at work.  We have all been put through the ringer this year with such an incredible work load.  The busy time is over but there is still work to be done and am I'm having a hard time pushing myself to do it.  I'm sleepy.  I feel like I could fall asleep any minute.  I'm almost off thank god.

I did a toning work out video at home yesterday so my legs are killing me.  I decided to skip the gym.  Mondays are rough because half the time I don't get enough sleep on Sunday nights.  I never want my weekend to be over.  I've pretty much eaten only sugar today.  There have been some sweet treats around the office and then the award ceremony so in order to make up for it I have eaten nothing else.  No wonder I'm so tired and sluggish.  It would be really nice if my body did not retain so much water.  It's a real killer for me lately.  It doesn't even seem to be because of what I ate half the time.  It happens even when my sodium intake is low AND when I guzzle water.  It's so annoying.  I haven't gained all the weight back that I lost from the juice fast.  I have regained most of it which is no surprise.  It doesn't help that my body is a sponge so half the time I can't tell if it's just retention or real weight. It really messes with my mind.  I drink so much and it seems like hardly nothing comes out.  It pisses me off. 

I'm so over excessive snacking.  It mostly happens when I watch TV.  I feel like total crap when I realize that all I've done is sit there and stuff my face.  It's like I can't stop.  When I'm watching a show I like I must eat.  Yesterday I had two decent meals and did not snack at all.  I didn't even want to.  Why?  Because I was actually sated.  Most of the time I'm starving so I reach for the snacks and then end up consuming equal to or more then the calories I would have consumed if I'd just eaten a real meal.  It's ridiculous really.  It's something I seriously need to work on.  That and toning.  I'm so tired of cardio.  It's not getting me anywhere anyways.  I want to work on weights at the gym more often.  I also want to do the 30 day shred that everyone is talking about.  I was so intent on getting cardio days in that I wouldn't even consider it but I think I need a change.  I'm totally willing to do maybe one gym day a week and then do the shred every other day.

Oh, and I went shopping AGAIN! I'm such a shopaholic.  I had a gift certificate at one place and a $10 coupon at another.  I didn't spend a lot but still.  I said I'd take a break.  I feel so out of control and I don't like it. 

Well, that's my word dribble for the day. I figure if I just write what I'm thinking, don't worry about where it's going per se and just hit publish maybe I'll start posting more often again.  I still really feel like I want to revamp this one.  I just want it to look different but I haven't figured out what to do with it.

1K Calorie Work Out

So Saturday night at the party I ate way too much Pizza 'cause it was so good and I was so hungry as usual.  I drank quite a bit too.  One drink at the pre party, two drinks at the party, a big slug of Grand Marnier out of my husbands flask and then after that he wouldn't let me have my own.  I was being monitored because at last years party I over did it and puked in the club.  Definitely not my finest moment.   I just had sips of his which is fine because I had coffee before the party and after and was so full that my belly couldn't hold much more.  Plus the drinks were $12-14 bucks each.  I had a lot of fun.  My husband told me I looked hot and I feel pretty good about the way I looked and the way I did my make up.  He lost 20 lbs last year so his suit was way too big and he couldn't wear it but he looked so cute in a sweater and tie.

I would have liked to stay in my hot LBD after the holiday party but it's just too cold for me.  I couldn't do it so I went up to the hotel room and changed into something warmer.  We went to a club that one of his co workers could get ladies in for free and half off for the guys.  I had so much fun dancing with my husband.  We were that couple french kissing on the dance floor and I love it that even though we've been together for five years I still feel as much love and passion as I did for him when we first started dating.  We were out until 1:30am and then I was so tired I couldn't keep going even though I think he could have gone a little longer.  My feet were hurting so bad.  Thank goodness it was just a five minute walk back to our hotel room.

We went to breakfast the next morning and I decided to get French Toast because I can't remember the last time I ordered anything other then an egg beater omelet with no sides for breakfast.  It's been so long since we went out for breakfast at all for that matter.  I knew that the damage was done no matter what so I just went for what I wanted.  Unfortunately they weren't very Cinnamon flavored and I've had way better French Toast so I felt like it was a little bit of a waste of a calorie splurge but they were still pretty good so oh well.  As soon as we got home I changed for the gym before I changed my mind.  It was time to pay up for my indiscretions.  I was there from 1pm to 3pm.  I did 1 hour on the Elliptical, 30 minutes on high incline on the treadmill and then 30 minutes of stretching.  My goal was to burn off everything I ate and then eat nothing else so that I could have a zero calorie day.  I really needed that because I was freaking out about being over weight to begin with and then everything that I ate and drank.  I was exhausted but I didn't leave until I met my goal and had burned 1,053 calories.  By the time I got out of the shower I was soooo tired that I could barely keep my eyes open.  I ended up falling asleep on the couch.  Since I burned off slightly more then I ate I allowed myself 1/2 cup of Fiber one when I got hungry later and ended up having a -14 calorie day.  I did not weigh myself at all that day.  I'd already missed morning weigh in and figured I should just leave well enough alone.

I knew that I had truly done everything in my power to make up for Saturday and Sunday but I was still terrified to weigh in this morning.  Since when is my best ever good enough these days?  The number wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  It was in line with my string of high numbers over the past few months.  No better, no worse and it was only 0.2 ounces more then I was Saturday morning so that was good enough.  I drank my coffee but can already feel that I'm retaining water.  My period is supposed to start tomorrow so that's probably why.  I'm going to the gym today and tomorrow for an hour of cardio each day.  I'm so tired and I'm dreading it but I have to do it.  I'm so tired of failing at weight loss and it may or may not make any difference in the long run but for some reason I can't stop trying.

Wow, look at me...a post Friday and today?  That's a lot for me lately!  Thanks for all the diuretic tips.  I think green tea still has caffeine though right?  I'm not a big tea drinker but if it's a diuretic without caffeine it would be worth trying.

Caffeine

The good news is that I've been upgraded to Premier status on Lose It for life at no charge.  I'm not sure why but they sent me an email.  They finally did that update where you can track your calories ahead of time instead of just day by day.  They should have done this a long time ago since the other apps allow you to do this and I don't think it should be a Premium feature since meal planning is an essential part of weight loss.  The bad news is that my ridiculous dedication to tracking calories has not helped me lose weight this time around.

I did pretty well last Saturday at dinner out.  We went to a fancy seafood restaurant with entrees on the menu ranging from $24 to $99 bucks but I ordered a $10 blue cheese wedge salad.  What can I say?  Cheap date.  And I tell you it was so awkward ordering a side salad for a meal.  I felt so embarrassed and I don't even know why.  I tell the waiter what I want and then he asks what I want for entree and I tell him that's it and it just feels very very strange.  There are so many times I have wanted to do it before but always feel pressured from who I don't know to order a "real" meal.  Anyhow, I'm glad I did that.  There was bread at the table and I was so over food that I didn't want the chicken or the steak.  Not that it did me any favors on the scale the next day.

I have a serious water retention problem that lasted most of my Christmas break.  Normally I have a #2 problem but oddly enough I was fairly regular going every other day.  I just couldn't pee and it didn't seem to matter how much water I drank either.  Drink 24 oz.  No pee.  Drink 24 more ounces and then I get a small trickle.  Drink about 12 oz more.  Get another small stream.  What gives?  Liquids push liquids or so I'm told but my body wasn't hearing it.  Tuesday was my first day back at work.  I dropped 2.8 lbs overnight and I'm certain it was all water weight.  I finally peed a significant amount Wednesday.  Mind you it's just a drop from how ridiculously high it had finally gotten on Wednesday but boy was I ever glad just to finally have a decent release.  The only thing I can see that's different is coffee.  Not that I NEVER retain water after drinking my morning coffee at work but I'd say the majority of the times that I have issues are on days that I don't.  I didn't drink coffee at all over break and I think that's why I was retaining.  I googled it and found that caffeine can have a diuretic effect.  So what? Now I have to drink coffee just so I can pee like a normal person?  The caffeine does nothing for me at all.  It doesn't perk me up so I'd rather just get decaf most of the time because I hear that caffeine has a negative effect on calcium absorption in people who don't get enough calcium; which probably includes me.  It sucks to feel like I have to depend on caffeine just to urinate.  Whatever.  My bodily functions are so screwed.  My body hates me and I hate it right back.

Tomorrow is what I'll call the post holiday party for hubby's job.  That means dinner, drinking and self sabotage.  I am so heavy right now.  I cannot believe how bad things have gotten.  I dread that tomorrow could very will make what's already bad even worse.

Christmas

My mother in law is here.  I get 12 days off work for the holidays.  I was feeling so annoyed because Christmas Break is always MY time to chill, relax, write and get things done but with her here for 7 days of it my time has totally been compromised.  I won't get to make it to Yoga so much like I did last year and normally I try to get together with a friend but I just feel like I won't have time.  She's super sweet so that's why I feel bad for being annoyed.  When you are entertaining 24/7 there is no time to just BE.  I feel like she's watching me too.  Not in a bad way but she just watches what I'm doing and it makes me feel very self conscious.  She just sits there while hubby and I are on our lap tops.  I'm like, uh you can turn the TV on.  You don't have to sit there staring at us.  I need to get stuff done and I haven't even had a chance to do any writing.  Sometimes it's silent because nobody has anything to say and it feels awkward.   She sat there and watched hubby do his whole 1 hour work out.  Why didn't she just go downstairs and occupy herself?  She didn't know I was downstairs and I didn't say anything as I was enjoying some quiet time reading blogs where I didn't have to feel like I needed to make conversation.  I will NOT be a happy camper if she wants to come this time next year.  She's a size 16.  She looks for her size when we were at the mall and most stores don't carry it.  Not that it has any relevance but it's just crazy that she's living fat and happy as a size 16 and I can't stand being a 2.  His mom was supposed to get here on December 21st and leave today but she missed her flight and didn't get here until Christmas Eve so she extended her flight.  We have plans to meet another couple tomorrow night at this fancy restaurant and now mom in law has to come along too.  The cheapest entree on the menu is $24 bucks and this is hubby's friend who likes to split the bill evenly even if one person ordered tons of appetizers and drinks but another person doesn't.  Should hubby pay for both of us?  I feel bad.

Around 11pm hubby said he was going upstairs to play his video game and then going to bed so I said I was going to bed too but I'm really just hanging with him until he goes to bed.  That's what I always do when it's just us.  I didn't want to stay downstairs with his mom watching TV anymore.  We just finished watching 2 movies. My mom in law adores her son of course because he's great.  He's a good son and a good husband.  She's already told him what she wants for the next holiday which will be Mother's Day which I thought was weird.  I get this feeling that if she could marry him she would!  I don't mean that in some kind of twisted way.  Just that she would love to have an exact replica of her son but not have it be her actual son for herself if she could.  Her husband is from another country.  He moved here, they got married and then he moved back about a year or two later!  He comes to visit like once a year.  She's doesn't work, she's lonely and she lives in a little podunk town.  She doesn't do anything so I'm glad she got to come out here and do something and spend time with her son.  She has been nothing but kind to me.  She gave us both money for Christmas.  I paid for dinner for us last night.  I bought her a secret santa gift and went out of my way to go back to the mall to exchange the shoes I picked out that were too small for the ones she wanted.  Which were not cute by the way but I have to realize she's an older heavier woman with no fashion sense whatsoever (not that I have at ton).  She was so excited that her bloated feet fit into them and asked me if they were cute.  They were awful but I couldn't say that so I just said they weren't my style.   I've chatted up a storm with her all day every day she's here.  I'm not a total bitch.  We are having a good time I just think 7 days feels really long and I feel like I'm not getting that ME time I look forward to so much every year.  I don't like feeling like I have to be ON all the time.  She is a sweet mother in law.  I like her and I'm trying not to be selfish.  I just need to vent about it and I definitely can't vent to hubby.  It wouldn't be fair since it's his mom even though I know she gets on his nerves too.

Christmas was great.  The Saturday before I hung out with my mom and sisters then got to see them again on Christmas day.   Hubby spoiled me with a necklace from Tiffany's.  I exchanged it for a bracelet because he already got me a necklace and the necklace he got for me was pretty but the charm wasn't me.  He also got me a little Coach clutch and tickets to the NCAA gymnastics championships.  He doesn't want to go with me; he's hoping I'll be able to find a date as he does not want to sit through three days of gymnastics.  He is so sweet.  I feel so lucky.  I also felt bad because I got him house slippers and a $250 Apple Gift card towards the lap top he wants.  I suck.  I'll try to do better next time.  I really enjoyed spending time with my family and I really couldn't have asked for much more this Christmas.  I was a little upset that I didn't get to see my little sister a 3rd time while she was here in town.  I drove up to mom's on Saturday, we then drove 2 1/2 hours to my sister's house for Christmas day where we all hung out but no one was interested in driving to my house.  My sister's flight leaves out of the airport that's 25 minutes from where I am and she had a 10pm flight so there was plenty of time.  They didn't offer to come by so I didn't ask.

I'm still fat.  How is it that I'm the same weight I was 2 months ago after 2 weeks of gorging myself in Europe?  How does that make any sense?  It doesn't and I'm still struggling with it.  I am so angry and upset and so hateful towards myself and my body.  It's all I can do not to scream when I step on the scale every day to a disappointingly high number.  The lowest number I've seen in a long while is 117 and I wasn't able to hang onto it.  I managed 118 for a bit but that's gone now too.  I suck.  I had to pull out some fat pants even.  They are size 5's.  The only reason I pulled them out is because the 3's in the exact same pant have some bleach spots on them.  They still fit though not as lose as before.  I got the 3's because the 5's were hanging off of me.  They are still pretty lose but not hanging like before and I can feel that some of my other jeans and pants are fitting me snugger.  I'm terrified to put on my pants every day for fear that they will feel too tight.  It's an awful feeling.  I feel disgusting and so out of control.  Because I am.  I am so out of control.  I try and try and it just doesn't get any better.  I want to concede defeat more then anything but I can't.  If I KNEW for certain that my body wouldn't get any bigger then it is right now then MAYBE I could be satisfied but I can't know that for certain.  I'm screwed no matter how you look at it.  I stress myself out and try and I'm fat; I don't try and I'd probably be fatter.

Apparently I'm a shopaholic too.  I bought stuff online from The Limited totaling $129 and two pair of Wedge booties.  Tan suede Tom's from Nordstrom's and black ones from Amazon.   Each pair was about $80 but I did use Discover points that took $36 off the black ones.  Then, when we were at the mall yesterday I bought a black knit blazer for $34 and a top for $5 bucks.  That wasn't too bad and I have the money to pay for it but on top of Christmas even though I didn't spent too much it still feels excessive.  It's like I can't stop.  I earned virtual dollars shopping at Limited and I'll be back there in January to use them.

It really sucks being fat going into the new year but there isn't anything I can do about it right now.  I've tried.  Better luck next year.

Mondays Suck

I am so ridiculous.  Last night I literally scared my husband half to death (which normally I never can do even when I try) and then pulled him onto the bed.  What was that all about?  Believe it or not that was me initiating sex!  I'm terrible at it.  I don't know why.  Fear of rejection?  Something.  Anyways, we didn't have sex while he was away for 6 weeks, then none on our 2 week vacation or in our 1 week since we've been back.  It had been a while so I was finally ready to take matters into my own hands and I'm glad that I did it.  My sex drive is lower and I suck at initiating and I'm sure he likes to feel desirable so for once it was me not him breaking our no sex streak. 

I finally managed to lose a pound.  Big whoop.  It took me 14 days to gain 4 so I figure it will take me at least a month to lose it and then I'll still be above where I want to be because I have been for over a year now I think.  It's not much but it's something.  I've even learned to be grateful for maintenance these days after so many disappointing gains.  I'm so damn hungry!!  Uggh.  Some days I take delight in hunger and other days like today-it just hurts.  I've had 1/2 cup of dry fiber one cereal, 2 mini chocolates and coffee so far.  Lunch will be baby carrots, fiber one bar and probably a yogurt because I'm so hungry.  Hubby is back on a healthy eating bandwagon so I think he's making Chicken.  Last Friday I had a bit of a victory over Pizza.  This is very rare my friends.  I closed my eyes and sniffed the aroma.  I tried to taste it through it's smell AND process the concept of resisting it and not eating it.  I held out for a while just to have that feeling of being starving and wanting it but not eating it.  Then I ate probably 1/4 of a slice as it was just a tiny, tiny sliver.  That I was able to just have that and no more is huge because Pizza is my all time favorite food.

I am sooo tired today.  Last week was my first week back and I was still riding the high of vacation along with dealing with a crap load of work to catch up on.  This week not so much.  I went to bed at 11pm which was probably too late and there is work to do and I'm doing it but I am dragging myself through it as it's not rush rush on it yet.  I've signed up for Reformer Pilates after work too.  It's too late to cancel, which I guess is a good thing because I'm so tempted.  If I don't go now I'll lose the class.  I just gotta make it through the day and then the class is at 5:30pm right after work.

Anonymous-no worries about the highjacking of comments and I do want to respond.  I'm just not entirely clear on your question.  It sounds like maintaining is hard for you so that you would rather continuously be on the gain/lose cycle but only within two pounds and you want some input.  Is that right?

120.0 [Day 1] No Excuses

I blew it over the weekend.  I am so ashamed and embarrassed by what little willpower I have.  I had a blast at the party.  We ended up with more then the two drink tickets that we were allotted and I went for it.  I also went for the food.  Realistically, it wasn't a ton for the whole day but way more then someone who is trying to loose weight should ever be eating.  I had Margarita pizza hor douvres (3), Pasta, turkey, 2 thin slices of bread, and nibbled off of 5 bite sized desserts.  The wife of one of hubby's friends showed up and only had coffee and a cookie.  I felt like a real looser then.  Granted I was thinner and she said she ate a whole box of chocolates that day so therefore just couldn't spare any extra calories but still.  I want to be the smug superior one. 

I managed to get a spot at the Clinique counter for my make up.  I spent $50 bucks on cosmetics but it was stuff I'd been wanting to get anyways.  I wore a long sparkly slinky black form fitting dress.  It showed every bump and curve on every part of my body.  I went through 3 thongs just to find one that wouldn't show lines underneath.  I looked good but I couldn't help but thinking that the last time I wore that dress I was about 5 lbs thinner.  I would have to say that I was one of the thinnest females that I saw there.  That made me feel good but my numbers on the scale don't reflect that which makes me feel like crap.  Hubby looked so handsome in his suit.  We danced and laughed and just had a really great time.  It made me feel really good when one of his co workers said to hubby, "Your wife is beautiful."  It's funny because from the outside no one could ever tell just how ugly and fat I feel on the inside.  When we got tired we just went up to our hotel room and went to bed.  The room was really nice but we basically just slept there then checked out when we got up.

Normally, I am unable to resist a weigh in but I really could not bear to see the number so I didn't weigh in on Sunday.  It's probably the first time I was able to skip it.  We had some cheese we needed to use up so we made some homemade pizza on whole wheat pita.  I didn't eat anything else all day so I probably cleared around 600 for the day.

I am so over it now.  I have decided to really commit myself to weight loss.  I gained a whole F***** pound over the weekend.  I was already on the edge of fat and I just made it worse.  And for what?  I chose my goal weight basically on BMI.  My lowest weight ever was 110 back in 2005.  I don't necessarily feel I need to go that far but last year I did get down to 114 when my ideal weight is 115-116.  I figured 114 would be good to allow some wiggle room and it puts me at the underweight BMI mark.  How long do I expect this to take?  Apparently I suck at weight loss so I really have no idea.  I think it's a good idea to try to give myself a deadline but I'm not really going to worry too much about that so long as I am consistent and steadfast towards my goal weight.  For now, I'm going to say by March 1st.  This is probably a super, super long time frame for trying to loose just 6 pounds and ideally I'd like it to happen in just 6 weeks but I'm trying to be realistic here.  I know from experience that anything below 116 is really hard for my body too.  So, I'll say between Feb 1st and March 1st.  How do I plan to do this?  Restriction.  Ideally, no more then 1000k per day and I'd like to keep it closer to 800.  I'd like to say that exercise will play a major role but I'm just not so sure if I have it in me.  I will work out but it will likely be sporadic.  We will see how it goes mainly with diet and as my deadline gets closer I may have to change that up.  Can I eat a sweet or candy here and there? Yes.  As long as it is in moderation.  If it's candy or chips it need only be one serving and if it's sweets it need only be a small piece.  I really don't want to set myself up to feel like a failure if I cave and eat 3 See's Candy one day.  I do not plan on making it a regular thing but if it happens it happens.

I can't believe I officially have one of those blogs with the current weight/goal stats in the sidebar.  That hasn't ever really been what this blog was for me but now I'm desperate.  I have never felt the urge to loose and the feeling of failure so badly as I do now.  As much as I'd like to just say "to hell with it" and accept the pounds I just can't.  I only think I don't care about my weight when it's in an acceptable range and I feel in control.  Once it gets past where I am comfortable and I start to feel like my body is fighting me I can't stand it. 

It's a pretty loose diet plan here I guess.  I may or may not add in more rules as I go along.  I have the basic shell of what I want to accomplish, how I want to accomplish it and when.  When the hunger starts to take over any and all common sense and all I want to do is stuff my face I need to be strong and move past it.  I have done it before now I just have to do it again.  My fresh start no excuses weight loss plan starts NOW. 

High Weight: 150 [18-19 yrs]
Low Weight: 110 [2005]
Start Weight: 120/BMI: 18.8 [12/13/10]
Goal Weight: 114/BMI: 17.9
Deadline: Feb 1-Mar 1, 2011

BMI Categories:
•Underweight = <18.5
•Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
•Overweight = 25–29.9
•Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

120.0: Fatso

Here we go again.  It never fails.  My body sucks.  I weigh what about what I weighed when I came off of vacation and I have eaten half as much as I did for that week.  What gives?  I know I ate way too much on Thanksgiving but other then that I haven't been overly indulgent.  I look in the mirror and do not see that my body has changed much but that disgusting number tells me otherwise.  My boobs do look bigger which I can live with but I hate it that it is a sign of things to come if I don't shape up.  Today I jump roped for 20 minutes then danced and pranced around my house for the next 40.  I haven't exercised in a long time because I'm lazy, but today I just had to do something.  My weight is out of control and so am I.  So far today I have eaten only two bowls bran flake cereal for breakfast.  I finished off the last of it and I will not be buying anymore.  It's just a binge waiting to happen and I have accepted the fact that I have no control over it.  I need to learn how to embrace hunger and turn my back on food a little more.  How long have I been saying this? Hubby's holiday party is Dec 11th.  I'm wearing a tight black halter style dress and I can't show up looking and feeling like a fat cow.

120.0: I'm Not Skinny At All

I was such a hungry girl yesterday towards the end of the work day.  I was thisclose to caving and eating an extra granola bar!  P90X was not as bad as I thought it would be.  We only did 2 of the many videos they have so it could get a lot worse but right now I feel like I just might be in better shape then I thought.  We did a 16 minute ab video and a cardio video that used Yoga as a warm up.  Hubby was sweating way more then me.  He is in shape-he can bike for 40 miles but I think he is just in a different kind of shape. He isn't used to a lot of kicking and yoga type moves.  I was definitely fatigued after doing it.  My muscles felt weak but I'm not sore yet.  It hasn't been 24 hours yet though so we'll see how I feel later on.

I had a revelation yesterday.  An aha moment if you will.  I am not skinny!  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I look in the mirror right now and I see FAT FAT FAT everywhere.  My butt looks gross and my thighs look huge.  Didn't I just write in this blog that I felt skinny on Friday?  Well not anymore.  The moment I started to believe I was thin is about the same moment I got way too relaxed.  Now look at me.  Perhaps all of these freakin' thinspo you tube videos I've been watching are getting to me.  I watched Super Skinny VS Super size.  The super skinnies were so skinny.  I am not even close to that.  Not by a long shot.  I think it's interesting how the word eating disorder was never verbalized in discussions with the super skinnies.  They just didn't have an appetite or were too busy taking care of others to eat.  Well, maybe they don't.  Just like I've never had one.  So yeah, I'm fat.  Oh, and I even have the numbers to prove it.  120.  Who does a P90X video and eats under 900k cals and still manages to gain a pound?  Me that's who!  It's almost comical.  Except it's so tragically pathetic so the minute I try to laugh about it I realize just how unfunny and sad it is.  I have so much work to do.

Yesterday's Eats: [880]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  Baby Carrots w/RF Ranch (80)
• Dinner:  Green Salad w/Chicken Breast, RF Italian Dressing (250)
• Snack:  String Cheese (80), Lemon Cake (180)

Exercise:  P90X abs 16 min, cardio 25 min

I Can't Win

Yesterday's Eats [1175]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (355), Coffee (50)
• Snack:  2 cookies (200), RF Wheat Thins (150)
• Dinner:  Cabbage, Rice, Turkey Sausage (200)
• Snack:  String Cheese (80), Tortilla Chips (140)

I was in tears last night.  I feel like the one thing I really value in myself is being taken away from me. Something I worked so hard to have for so long.  Why me?  Just let me keep something that I am proud of. Jeez.  I am just so tired.  So worn out.  Here I am hungry and tired.  My stomach is growling.  All for what? So that I can just continue to gain weight?  My metabolism has got to be totally screwed.  Maybe it's just age.  I don't think I've been eating minimally enough to have sent myself into starvation mode so that must be it.  In which case fighting the battle of the bulge is going to become increasingly more difficult and maybe even impossible for me at this point.  At least let me stay thin into my 40's.  Maybe by then I'll be so tired of fighting and I won't care as much.

Got home from work, 118.5 which was 1 pound down for the day.  Ate Dinner and Snack.  Weighed in before shower at 119.5.  A whole pound up.  OK.  Weighed again before bed and I'd gone up to 120.  Mind you I had not eaten a thing and somehow managed to gain in less then an hour.  I was really hungry so I drank some ice water before bed and woke up 120.  I weighed this a couple weekends ago after pigging out with my sister all weekend which tells me that something is very very wrong here.  I am hoping that some of it is water weight.  I did go #2 two days in a row the last two days which is highly odd but when I pee almost nothing comes out.  I am drinking more water lately since it's available via the fridge and because I'm hungry.

I feel really down.  This morning I didn't make my PBJ and hubby asked why not because I always do.  I said, "Because I'm fat."  He didn't hear me which was good so when he said "What?" I just said because I don't want it.  It sucks to feel so horrible and sick inside my own skin but I can't talk to anybody about it.  I can't talk to him about it.  I try to keep my fat comments to a minimum because it gets really old.  He doesn't want to hear that and I don't blame him.  He knows I have issues and I just try to keep my behavior as minimized as possible.

So now what?  My body is obviously holding onto anything and everything I put inside it.  My metabolism seems to be shot to hell.  I seem to be retaining water.  I am eating less then 1200 calories and gaining weight anyways.  I am hungry as it is.  I am tired.  If I eat less it could get worse.  If I have to eat only 500-800 cals a day it likely won't be sustainable over the long term.  I will be a wreck and will probably still barely maintain around 118 if I can ever get back down again.  That's not realistic.  I exercised Monday and it didn't seem to help.  I can do some laxatives to regroup and restrict my heart out while hubby is gone next week and even if I loose I will inevitably blow it at some social function and end up right back where I am now.  Maybe I should just give up and give into my body.  I'll wake up at 125 one morning and hate myself even more then I do now-especially when my clothes start to fit different.  I am screwed either way it seems. 

I can't win.  I'm not sure what ever made me think I could.

Fatter Then Ever

Friday at the ballgame there was this tall skinny girl with legs up to her neck.  She was long and lean.  Her legs didn't touch and I envied her so much.  I couldn't stop staring but had to do it inconspicuously so no one would notice and think I was a weirdo.  I ate a hot dog.  No beer.  That was it after a day of work snacks only.

Saturday I didn't eat all day except at night when I had a serving of Mac & Cheese and a 1/2 a serving each of greens, beans w/rice, and potato salad.  They were in these little plastic containers and I made sure not to eat too much of each but I really wanted all the Mac & Cheese.  I had wine with it.  That was it for the day.


Sunday I about freaked out to see that I was 120.5 in the morning.  I still had brunch with hubby to get through and it was with a sick combination of dread and desire that I ate more then I should have along with plenty of free flowing champagne.  I knew it was really to be my "last meal."  There just isn't any other choice for me now.  It's now or never.  I ate nothing else the rest of the day.

I've really done it now.  I am at a higher weight then I've been for a whole year and if that's not enough to kick your appetite to the curb I don't know what is.  I guess this is what it takes for me to straighten up and get with the program.  I weighed myself and actually felt dazed for a minute yesterday.  I sat on the bed with this dumbfounded look on my face.  "What's wrong?" hubby asked...because I had this blank yet thoughtful look on my face.  That's what it looked like on the outside but inside I was screaming.  On the eve of my wedding I end up the highest weight I've been in a long time and it's all my fault for being weak, stupid, and lazy. 

I think that some of it is water retention because I start my period next week and I feel like I haven't been having to pee that often even when I drink lots of liquids.  And while I have eaten too much it has not been outrageously so.  Three pounds in one week?  The jeans I wore Friday slid down my butt all day just like before AND I still cannot get all parts of my legs between my knees and my thighs to touch no matter how hard I squeeze.  I can still see my breast bone and the wavy bumps of my rib cage down the front.  So, that means I haven't "blown up" yet but if I don't take action now eventually my body will catch up with that number and that will be very very bad.  I can't let that happen.

My bridal shower is on Saturday so needless to say I won't be eating much until then.  There is something about being fat that just KILLS my appetite like nothing else.  That's the ONLY good thing about this situation.  I am totally freaked out right now by my weight but more determined then EVER to do something about it.  It's time for some serious damage control.

To Eat Or Not To Eat

Yesterday was the 4th of July. I went to my mom and dad's and enjoyed a wonderful day with my family. The weather was perfect. Sunny but not too much so and there was a nice cool breeze. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of it caress my face and blow my hair. We sat outside in the sun and listened to music and laughed and drank wine. We also ate of course. What kind of 4th of July would it be without Bar B Q?

I went in with a plan not to overdo it. I used to restrict but then go hog wild when I went out to eat or to an event with food. I justified that gluttony with all of the restricting leading up to it even as I hated how it undid all of my hard work. I just couldn't help myself after feeling deprived for so long but lately as I've been making an effort to eat foods with nutritional value I've been more in control of that. I did well at the fair and I was determined that I would do the same on the 4th too. I had a Hebrew National hot dog and a Turkey burger along with some veggies, a little bit of tortilla chips and potato salad. I even had a slice of pound cake. Oh, and of course a beer and some wine.

I was kind of upset with myself for eating the burger and the hot dog but overall I felt pretty good about it. I ate and enjoyed it but didn't over do it. Dad kept saying how good it was to see me eat and asked me how much I weigh and it make me wonder what exactly my mom is telling him. Mom made sure I took home some left over’s and I reminded her of the old days when I refused to take anything home because I knew without a doubt that I wouldn't eat it. She said it used to break her heart to see me refuse to take any food home and know that I was going home to a house with empty cupboards. I have come so far I thought...and I was feeling pretty good about it-until about two minutes after arriving home.

I stripped my clothes off as soon as I walked in the door leaving a trail of clothing from the door to the bathroom scale. What made me think I could eat like a semi normal person? The morning after shows a 1.5 pound gain and I am upset to see my hard work flushed down the toilet over night. So today I am confused. I know I need to eat something but I am frozen with indecision as to what. Part of me wants to eat nothing in an attempt to undo the damage from yesterday and the other part of me knows that is not the answer. It's almost noon and I've had only a few twizzlers while I ponder my dilemma. To Eat or not to Eat...that is the question.