- Breakfast: PBJ (355), Coffee (50)
- Snack: 2 cookies (200), RF Wheat Thins (150)
- Dinner: Cabbage, Rice, Turkey Sausage (200)
- Snack: String Cheese (80), Tortilla Chips (140)
I was in tears last night. I feel like the one thing I really value in myself is being taken away from me. Something I worked so hard to have for so long. Why me? Just let me keep something that I am proud of. Jeez. I am just so tired. So worn out. Here I am hungry and tired. My stomach is growling. All for what? So that I can just continue to gain weight? My metabolism has got to be totally screwed. Maybe it's just age. I don't think I've been eating minimally enough to have sent myself into starvation mode so that must be it. In which case fighting the battle of the bulge is going to become increasingly more difficult and maybe even impossible for me at this point. At least let me stay thin into my 40's. Maybe by then I'll be so tired of fighting and I won't care as much.
Got home from work, 118.5 which was 1 pound down for the day. Ate Dinner and Snack. Weighed in before shower at 119.5. A whole pound up. OK. Weighed again before bed and I'd gone up to 120. Mind you I had not eaten a thing and somehow managed to gain in less then an hour. I was really hungry so I drank some ice water before bed and woke up 120. I weighed this a couple weekends ago after pigging out with my sister all weekend which tells me that something is very very wrong here. I am hoping that some of it is water weight. I did go #2 two days in a row the last two days which is highly odd but when I pee almost nothing comes out. I am drinking more water lately since it's available via the fridge and because I'm hungry.
I feel really down. This morning I didn't make my PBJ and hubby asked why not because I always do. I said, "Because I'm fat." He didn't hear me which was good so when he said "What?" I just said because I don't want it. It sucks to feel so horrible and sick inside my own skin but I can't talk to anybody about it. I can't talk to him about it. I try to keep my fat comments to a minimum because it gets really old. He doesn't want to hear that and I don't blame him. He knows I have issues and I just try to keep my behavior as minimized as possible.
So now what? My body is obviously holding onto anything and everything I put inside it. My metabolism seems to be shot to hell. I seem to be retaining water. I am eating less then 1200 calories and gaining weight anyways. I am hungry as it is. I am tired. If I eat less it could get worse. If I have to eat only 500-800 cals a day it likely won't be sustainable over the long term. I will be a wreck and will probably still barely maintain around 118 if I can ever get back down again. That's not realistic. I exercised Monday and it didn't seem to help. I can do some laxatives to regroup and restrict my heart out while hubby is gone next week and even if I loose I will inevitably blow it at some social function and end up right back where I am now. Maybe I should just give up and give into my body. I'll wake up at 125 one morning and hate myself even more then I do now-especially when my clothes start to fit different. I am screwed either way it seems.
I can't win. I'm not sure what ever made me think I could.
Got home from work, 118.5 which was 1 pound down for the day. Ate Dinner and Snack. Weighed in before shower at 119.5. A whole pound up. OK. Weighed again before bed and I'd gone up to 120. Mind you I had not eaten a thing and somehow managed to gain in less then an hour. I was really hungry so I drank some ice water before bed and woke up 120. I weighed this a couple weekends ago after pigging out with my sister all weekend which tells me that something is very very wrong here. I am hoping that some of it is water weight. I did go #2 two days in a row the last two days which is highly odd but when I pee almost nothing comes out. I am drinking more water lately since it's available via the fridge and because I'm hungry.
I feel really down. This morning I didn't make my PBJ and hubby asked why not because I always do. I said, "Because I'm fat." He didn't hear me which was good so when he said "What?" I just said because I don't want it. It sucks to feel so horrible and sick inside my own skin but I can't talk to anybody about it. I can't talk to him about it. I try to keep my fat comments to a minimum because it gets really old. He doesn't want to hear that and I don't blame him. He knows I have issues and I just try to keep my behavior as minimized as possible.
So now what? My body is obviously holding onto anything and everything I put inside it. My metabolism seems to be shot to hell. I seem to be retaining water. I am eating less then 1200 calories and gaining weight anyways. I am hungry as it is. I am tired. If I eat less it could get worse. If I have to eat only 500-800 cals a day it likely won't be sustainable over the long term. I will be a wreck and will probably still barely maintain around 118 if I can ever get back down again. That's not realistic. I exercised Monday and it didn't seem to help. I can do some laxatives to regroup and restrict my heart out while hubby is gone next week and even if I loose I will inevitably blow it at some social function and end up right back where I am now. Maybe I should just give up and give into my body. I'll wake up at 125 one morning and hate myself even more then I do now-especially when my clothes start to fit different. I am screwed either way it seems.
I can't win. I'm not sure what ever made me think I could.
First off, I don't for a minute believe that being thin is the only thing going for you. Take stock of the amazing man who loves you and is choosing to spend the rest of his life with you. I bet he can make a whole list of your wonderful qualities and being attracted to you is only going to be one of them. So please, don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you can't give up. It sucks, I know, but it's just a set back.
Have you been stressed out? Are you not sleeping? Did you change any part of your diet recently? There could be a ton of reasons you're hanging on to a couple pounds of water - sodium holds like 12x it's weight in water, it's ridiculous.
I know exactly how you feel about hating on yourself and having no one to talk to about it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish I could just TALK to my hubby about things, but I know it would not go over well.
Chin up dear. You have us.
Thanks ladies!! I'm not sure that there have been any changes that would make things so hard for me right now. I've never been able to figure out my body. I've not been eating too many salty foods either. Thanks for listening to my rants. There really is no one else who I can share this with.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought of cutting back on processed foods and adding whole foods? You can eat SO much when it's real food over crap...even if it does taste better :)
ReplyDelete