Post Holiday Blues

My husband got here on a Sunday.  I worked for three days that week and then the most amazing 12 day holiday break began two days before Christmas and ended yesterday.  My Christmas break is over. I'm at work.  It sucks.  I'm still in denial.

I think I finally figured out what happens when my husband comes home.  I'm usually so so excited to see him.  Like super duper excited. Then when I finally do, it's a let down.  Not because he isn't the same sexy man he was the last time I saw him, but because his reaction to me is lukewarm at best. Here I am all giddy with excitement and I missed you and I'm so glad you're home and he's just like eh, hi, whatever.  He got in the car, leaned in for a really good smooch which I happily obliged and then after that it was business as usual.  He was back to his emotionless distant robotic self and I was left wondering if my own husband is even glad to see me at all.  My feelings were hurt, so I became cool towards him.  When he fell asleep on the couch I just went straight up to bed without even attempting to get him to come.  When he asked me if I wanted to come to happy hour on Tuesday, all I could think was why would you invite me to happy hour when you don't even like me?  We had to have another talk because time is precious and I didn't want to spent it sulking and being cold.  Again, with the why do you act like you don't even like me? Why do you act like you don't care?  I pointed out how little interest he expresses in me.  How hurtful it was that I didn't sleep for two months and he never ever not once asked how I was doing.  How when I told him I had to get off face time to go to my doctor appointment he never asked what for.  He tried to say he did, but I noticed and it hurt my feeling that he never did.  I was making a point of not mentioning any details of almost anything to him just to see if he would ask.  He usually didn't.  I told him I would try not to be so insecure in our relationship if he could be more responsive and interested towards me.

A few days before he got home I found some old e mails from back during the first three months of our relationship.  There were a ton! We emailed each other back and forth multiple times during the day.  I remembered that we used to email all the time but I forgot just how deep and romantic they were until I found them again.  He actually used to express his feelings.  My heart soared reading his words.  I can't wait to see you.  I miss you.  You make me so happy.  You are the only woman for me.  I had so much fun with you.  He doesn't say those things anymore.  When I texted to him that I really needed to see those emails right now, he was quick to ask why.  I replied that it reminded me of how in love we were and seeing how much he used to really really like me gives me hope that he still does.  The fact that I don't hear those kinds of things now tells me one of three things. 1.  He never really felt that way at all and he was just telling me what I wanted to hear  2.  He no longer feels that way.  3.  He has simply shuttered his emotions and changed.  Hey, I get it.  New relationships are bright and passionate.  Those feelings are bound to fade over time, but it's like a totally different person wrote those emails, especially since he actually has no recollection of exchanging emails like that at all.  He doesn't remember writing any of it, and while I was super excited to find that I had saved them all and voraciously read them, I read a few to him, and he really wasn't all that interested.  

Finding out that he lost his wedding band the week before he was due to come home didn't help matters.  You don't take jewelry off and set it down on any surface at the gym.  If you must take it off you tuck it away in a bag, and that is what he used to do until he got careless.  He said, that he's proud of himself for making it as long as he did with the ring and I could only hope he doesn't feel the same about our marriage.

We had our little chat on Christmas Eve.  It was awkward and sucky, and I hate it that I feel like a crazy wife harassing her husband for more more more, but after that we moved forward and the rest of his visit has been great.  He's been initiating kisses and reaching out to give me hugs or cuddle, without me having to make the first move.  He asks me about my day.  He's asked me if I slept okay. He expresses interest when I say things.  I honestly feel like it takes him a while to warm up to me. It's like he forgets how to show affection or be a human being or something. It's like I have to grow on him and remind him that he likes me.  I don't know why that would be the case considering we've been together for 8 years...unless that is the reason because we're one year past the 7 year itch.  I am so deeply madly in love with him.  Normally, I shower him with enough love and affection that it thaws him out a bit and he eventually reciprocates, but the last two times, we've had to have a "chat." My husband doesn't do things he doesn't want to do, so even though I question it sometimes, I do believe that he loves me and wants to be with me.  I just think he is not inclined to express it...or verbalize it.  He doesn't get that I need to hear those things every now and then even if he is uncomfortable with saying it.  When I say I miss you, or that I'm excited to see you I really do need for him to say it back.  

So one of the things I decided I'm not going to do anymore is be a total nag about how messy he is. For a while I thought he mostly was neat, partly because he's not a total slob and he himself claims he isn't messy.  However, no matter what he claims to be, he is messy.  He is not neat and he never will be.  I need to accept that he likely will not change.  I'm not going to let him be a total slob because bottom line, we both live there and we need to respect each others space which means he needs to put his things away at some point and clean up after himself.  That is a reasonable expectation, but he's not going to do it in the time frame or the same way that I would.  If he doesn't after a while I will ask nicely, but I will not let it agitate me and I will be letting other things go.  When he left the dishes in the sink I did them. When he left the stove a grease covered mess from making bacon every morning, I cleaned it.  He was aware that I did it because I said the stove is filthy and cleaned it.  I didn't point it out, but he has to know it was from his bacon.  When he leaves a mess on the counter, I wipe it. When he doesn't replace the toilet paper roll, I'll do it. When he leaves papers and random things scattered about the house in random places, I'll let it be.  He's not trying to make me mad, he simply doesn't see these things or care about these things. I do.  So, if it bothers me that much I'll just take care of it or learn to ignore it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I need to accept that it is his weakness and my strength, and suck it up without too much complaint.  I think in the end, it will come back to me and our relationship in a positive way.  I also need to take more initiative in the kitchen even though he's the "cook" and I clean.  This means no keeping score or drawing lines about who does what.  Before he came home I stocked the fridge with things he would like so he wouldn't have to run to the grocery store.  I made chicken and turkey so there would be something to eat even if it is the same old usual boring healthy foods I know how to make, and even if he only ate some of the chicken the night he came home.  He wouldn't eat the turkey even once.  He just didn't want it, but I think he appreciated the effort I made to try to take care of his needs in the kitchen even though it is my weakness.

I just need to try to be a good wife.  Be there.  Be kind.  Be giving.  Be selfless. That's not only the kind of wife I want to be it's the kind of person I want to be.

Christmas was great.  He got me Chanel No 5 cologne, two under armor long sleeve workout tops, Philips Sonicare Diamond clean toothbrush, a cashmere sweater that fits perfectly, and some warm soft socks.  I got him a beanie to wear under his biking helmet in the cold, his favorite team socks, a long sleeved warm button up top, $100 gift card to Nordstrom Rack (since he's recently discovered Seven jeans) and a Qualo wedding band to replace the one he lost.  It's silicon so it can be worn in the gym, and it's cheap.  I guess we'll figure out what to do about his lost ring (if anything) when he comes home for good in 2018.  He definitely spent more money on me than I him, but I think everything I got him was very thoughtful.  The only thing he could think of that he wanted was a gun, and I wasn't gonna pick that out.

We have had so much fun over the last 12 days.  We went to the movies, hiked, cooked, and hung out with friends.  We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant for Christmas Dinner.  Our bill was $200 buckaroos and I paid, but didn't mind so much because the food was so good.  We spent NYE plus one extra night on a mini getaway downtown.He paid for our hotel and NYE party, and I paid for food while we were there.  We drank in our hotel room, went downstairs and rang in the New Year on the dance floor until 2:00 am with a bunch of other hot sweaty people.  We went back to our room and had passionate drunken sex, and then had sex again the next night. Two nights in a row!  We went to a local bar for take out and then ate dinner in bed.

It's been so good having him home and having him around. It's going to be so hard to say good-bye, especially when I have no idea when I'll see him next.    

Last Minute Trip

So I went to Germany.  The price was not reasonable in any way, and even he said it was too much, but I needed to go so that's what I did.  He left it up to me to decide.  It cost $1800 bucks, and I was a little bit of a wreck leading up to it, had to work while I was there, and came back to an insane amount of work but it was so worth it.  I needed to fix this.  It was that simple.  It was a lot of money, but when I thought about not going and the hole that might leave in our relationship I knew that if there was any way on earth to be there, I had to do it.  I left on Friday November 18th and came back on Monday November 28th.  It was an eleven day trip including travel and we packed in a lot.  He planned everything out.  There were only two days I was there that didn't involve some travel.  The first full day and the last full day. There were some initial bumps, but as soon as I booked the ticket I knew it was the right choice.

When he picked me up at the airport it was this is my husband and he is so cute and I am so happy to see him.  Everything was wonderful that first day.  I fell asleep on him while he watched a movie.  I was so tired, and it felt so good to snuggle.  We spent the first day at his place and the next day we traveled to Munich for the night.  We spent the night in this amazing five star hotel.  It was so nice.  I initiated sex (with a sexy little nighty) and I literally cried afterwards, because it was such a relief to connect with him that way. When he asked why the tears, I said it was because I felt like he didn't love me any more. He said he does, and that was that.  We went to bed.  I slept horribly, but rallied, and we spent a long but really great day touring castles the next day.  It was so much fun.

Things were good, but the day after we got back from Munich things felt a little off.  Again.  I was still concerned by how little we communicated in September and October. We only Face Timed one time over four weeks after we got back from Hawaii.  Then, I called him for that "big" awful conversation early November when I found out he was upset about me not coming for Thanksgiving. I called him because what we were talking about needed to be said not texted. We did Face Time that Friday, and talked that night so I could get the right ticket booked.  Leading up to the trip it was trip related texts.  At least we were texting, but I still felt a huge disconnect.  Now that I was finally with him, the disconnect remained.  I felt like he didn't want me there.  He didn't say I love you that morning when he kissed me before leaving for work like he used to.  It was just see you later.  When he came home from work that day there was no affection.  He asked, "Did you even leave the house today?"  The answer was no, because I had to work all day. It was the only way that I was able to make the trip work.  He was annoyed by this.  He got annoyed that I used up all the "good" toilet paper and then lamented over having to share dinner because now he couldn't take the other half for lunch.  When I said, I felt like I hadn't slept at all he just said "B.S. I saw you sleeping."  It was still getting on my nerves big time that his wife didn't sleep for two months, and not once did he ever ask me if I was okay or if it was getting better.  Not only that, but he acts like I'm making it up.  Between Insomnia and jet lag, my sleep was still jacked, but I get no sympathy whatsoever from him.  It's like he doesn't care about my well being at all.  That night I sat next to him on the couch, and not once did he try to touch me, so I didn't make a move to get close to him either. I'd say something to make typical conversation and he'd not really respond or interact with me, so I stopped trying and then conversation happened if he initiated it.  I engaged him, but it was never the other way around.  There just seemed to be an underlying layer of tension.  

The next day I only worked half the day.  I made sure to leave the apartment and I was gone before he came home from work.  When it got close to the time when I thought we were leaving for Rome I texted him to ask and he replied the time, but didn't even let me know he was at home.  I came in and was surprised he didn't tell me he was already there.  He packed, and I got some last minute things together and then we walked to the train station.  On the train he says, "Do you want to sit down?" So I went over and took an available seat, but he remained standing even though there was room for him to sit. I was almost in tears on the train ride to the airport.  I barely said a word, he didn't either.  We were just two people traveling but not really interacting.  When we got in line for our boarding passes he asked, "What's wrong? Why do you look so mournful?"  I said I'd tell him once we got out of line. He asked again, but we were going through security and so I'd tell him once we made it to our gate and got settled.

I told him I felt like a house guest he wished he never invited and I felt like he didn't even want me to be there.  He asked what he did to make me feel that way, and I wasn't really prepared to articulate everything so I wasn't able to say just then.  I was wiping away tears on the plane ride from Stuttgart to Brussels where we had our layover.  Our flights had gotten cancelled and when he re-booked we weren't able to get seats together so he was behind me and couldn't tell how upset I still was.  I had gathered my thoughts by the next day, so while we were waiting for the bus that morning I told him that he doesn't touch me, kiss me or say I love you and that I noticed it even in Hawaii. It seems like he is annoyed by me and so emotionally vacant.  It's like nobody is home.  He barely speaks to me and it's making me feel like he isn't even happy to see me.  Why won't he kiss me?  I need to hear him say I love you, before I say it sometimes.  It was never an issue before.  Does he think I am one of his employees?  Has he been gone and surrounded by testosterone for so long he forgets that I'm his wife and I need affection now and then? What is it?  He confirmed that he does want me there, and he didn't mean to make me feel that way.  After that things were 100% better.    

We spent three nights in Rome.  Our apartment was drop dead gorgeous and amazing.  It was like a fairy tale getting to stay in such a beautiful place.  We had an amazing time exploring the City and eating decadently.  We had an in-home private cooking lesson on Thanksgiving day and ate a traditional four course Italian meal with wine and bread for dinner.  It was perfection.  I initiated sex again on our last night there.  I wanted him to know I was making an effort, never mind that I ended up with a horrible yeast infection because my vagina is so temperamental. That last day we ran errands and walked to the Christmas Market with one of his co-workers who also lives in the same apartment building. I couldn't believe it was my last night, and despite the little bumps I had a great time.  I think we really needed this trip.  I did something I've never done before.  I sat back and let my husband pay for everything.  They don't take credit cards hardly anywhere in Germany and I hadn't made it to the ATM for euros yet.  When I finally did I took out 50 and blew through it pretty quick.  I paid with my credit card at a restaurant in Rome, and when I said I need to get more money he said, "Money?  Why do you need money?" and I just let it be.  He covered all tickets and hotel accommodations. He's kind of rolling in dough right now working abroad, so I need to just not feel guilty about it for once and go with it.  He even gave me $900 bucks towards my ticket.

We didn't talk my first weekend back home, nor has he ever asked how my sleeping was or even how my first week back went.  It was pretty hellish.  I came back to a shit storm of work as expected and had to work overtime just to finish it up.  I even got the holiday party (which is during the workday) cancelled because I didn't have time to go.  It wasn't anything fancy to begin with, but they ended up ordering the food in from the restaurant instead of having everyone go. The oddest thing is that I wasn't tired.  I think I was so wired, and anxious about all the work I had to get done in such a short amount of time that I was just up and ready to go despite waking up at 3 am every single morning. That's the new Insomnia thing now in the 2 1/2 weeks since I've been back and this is with sleeping pills because I can't deal with not sleeping right now.  I fall asleep okay, and I am getting into a real sleep, but I wake up during the 3 o clock hour for no good reason and don't really go back to sleep.

On Sunday when it became apparent that he was not going to call, even though I mentioned last weekend that hopefully we could talk,  I texted him that I feel like he never wants to talk or Face Time anymore.  He called, and it was so good to "see" him and talk.  Then we were texting up a storm afterwards and I felt more connected to him than I had since the month of September before Hawaii, and the awful month after it.

For two months I knew something was wrong and it was just horrible wondering if my marriage was in trouble.  Probably the hardest two months ever emotionally in the 8 years we've been together.  We are normally so in sync that when things feel "off" it really rattles me, especially since we're long distance right now.  I was feeling so insecure in the relationship that it colored the way I perceived and felt about every little thing to the point where I was an emotional wreck crying every night listening to "Heal" by Tom O'Dell on repeat.  It's not the first time I've accused him of being emotionally vacant, lacking in empathy, or cold.  I think that those things don't always come so natural to him, and it's also why I didn't think he would care that much if I didn't come for Thanksgiving or that I sometimes question if he cares about me at all.  It's probably something I'll have to remind him of, just as there are things that he will need to remind me of.  This communication thing is for real, and it's all good if you aren't doing it as long as everything is running smoothly, but when feelings get hurt or there is a disconnect it has to be done sooner rather than later, even when it feels awkward or you are afraid of what you might find out.  A healthy relationship depends on it.

He will be here on Sunday for a month and I can't wait to have him home again.

By the way, between the week before, the trip itself, and the week I returned that was three weeks where walking was my only exercise.  I ate all the carbs, and you know what happened?  Nothing.  I came back exactly one pound up from when I left, but it was gone and then some within days.