Work is so crazy right now I cannot even believe it!! The faculty are idiots and they want everything yesterday even though they haven't done the work. I'm about to lose my mind because of the crazy work load that is about to come through and they are steady arguing about why they need it NOW!! On top of that our computer system is jacked so we have to deal with that along with everything else. There is so much work to get done and I have no clue how it's all going to get done. There is work that CAN'T get done because of impossible deadlines but if it doesn't get done it's going to be a terrible situation. I have been working my ASS of and there is really no end in sight until May.
I have this lump in the back of my throat because I am so stressed out. We are about to go into this meeting and I think all hell is going to break lose. I need a piece of tape to put over my mouth so I don't start yelling. I will seriously need to work hard to maintain a poker face as I know everyone is going to piss me off.
Okay. I really just needed to vent.
Showing posts with label 119. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 119. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Good News :: Bad News
It's been a while. So the good news: I've been really regular with bowel movements over the last 2 months I'd say. I've been going consistently every other day for a while now. I still don't know what has changed to allow this to happen but I'm really glad. The bad news: I'm still way over weight then I want to be. It seems that every time I have a break through and see a lower number then I have in a while in this case, 118.8 lbs I do something to screw it up and then back up it goes. I still feel uncomfortable with the way some of my jeans and pants fit. They feel too close for comfort. I'm still fighting what still mostly feels like a losing battle.
I felt that I might get sick Monday night, Tuesday night my cardio session sucked because I just couldn't do it for more then 30 minutes. I called in sick Wednesday. The only REALLY bad day was Wednesday though so I can't complain too much. I was in and out of sleep most of the day and felt like crap. I ate 1 1/2 sandwich and 1 cup of soup for the entire day split into two meals. I was too sick for my usual food cravings so that was a good thing. Hubby stayed home with me. Thursday I went back to work and ate decently though a bit more and today I'm home. I rarely call in sick so I decided to take advantage of actually having been sick and call in again. Plus it's Friday and it's raining. We really just don't have much food in the house which is a good thing. I got rid of the pretzels a long time ago and have since been snacking on raisins but we don't even have any of those. It's raining so chances are I'm not going out to get anything. I have lost 2 lbs this week and that typically means I'm about to screw it up but I'm really hoping that won't be the case this time around. We have absolutely no plans this weekend which means no social food filled gatherings to derail me. Hopefully I can continue to drop. Pretty please.
In order to not feel like a total waste of space today even though I shouldn't feel bad because I am technically sick even though I don't feel terrible I will do some laundry and put the dishes in the dishwasher away. Making dinner is not going to happen. As terrible as I feel about that it's just not. I probably should do some house cleaning this weekend and with the laundry done that will be less later on.
Still plugging away.
I felt that I might get sick Monday night, Tuesday night my cardio session sucked because I just couldn't do it for more then 30 minutes. I called in sick Wednesday. The only REALLY bad day was Wednesday though so I can't complain too much. I was in and out of sleep most of the day and felt like crap. I ate 1 1/2 sandwich and 1 cup of soup for the entire day split into two meals. I was too sick for my usual food cravings so that was a good thing. Hubby stayed home with me. Thursday I went back to work and ate decently though a bit more and today I'm home. I rarely call in sick so I decided to take advantage of actually having been sick and call in again. Plus it's Friday and it's raining. We really just don't have much food in the house which is a good thing. I got rid of the pretzels a long time ago and have since been snacking on raisins but we don't even have any of those. It's raining so chances are I'm not going out to get anything. I have lost 2 lbs this week and that typically means I'm about to screw it up but I'm really hoping that won't be the case this time around. We have absolutely no plans this weekend which means no social food filled gatherings to derail me. Hopefully I can continue to drop. Pretty please.
In order to not feel like a total waste of space today even though I shouldn't feel bad because I am technically sick even though I don't feel terrible I will do some laundry and put the dishes in the dishwasher away. Making dinner is not going to happen. As terrible as I feel about that it's just not. I probably should do some house cleaning this weekend and with the laundry done that will be less later on.
Still plugging away.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Liebster Award Q & A
Thanks to everyone who nominating me for the Liebster Award. Wow. I actually feel really popular. I normally break the rules on these so accordingly I didn't do the Eleven things about myself to start and I'm not passing it on. I think everyone has probably been nominated by now anyways. This was a good post for me to do right now as I'm totally pre-occupied with my fatness and can't really deal with blogging about it at the moment. And while I'm at it I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and especially those that leave such wonderful comments that help pick me up when I'm feeling down. I love sharing this community with all of you and I appreciate being here very much even though I haven't been blogging as much. I'm still reading even if I haven't been posting and commenting lately. So, here you go.
Favorite TV show? Walking Dead
Childhood secret: I'm sure there's something. Nothing major if anything. I was a pretty good kid but you know, everyone has their secrets.
What kind of make up do you wear? Clinique eyeliner and loose powder, Loreal blush, Cover Girl mascara, Mac pressed powder, Lancome Juicy Tubes gloss and whatever eye shadow that's been in my make up bag...forever. Most days I don't wear anything but blush and gloss and then when I actually do wear it it's still not much unless I'm going out to party.
Have you ever colored your hair? A long time ago. Just reddish high lights. Then I figured I'd better stop and wait until I go gray and have to color it so I'm not damaging and spending extra money in the meantime.
What countries have you visited? Spain, France, Italy, Netherlands, Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands, Mexico
What is your dream job? Author, Writer, Model or Actor. Or to work in advertising or at a magazine like Glamour or Vogue. Some cool job where you get to be creative, look fashionable at work and get free tickets to red carpet events.
How long have you been blogging? Here for 3 years but I've been doing online journals for a long time.
Do you have a pet? If you could what would it be? No. I don't like animals.
Whats your guilty pleasure food? What isn't? Warm molten chocolate cake with ice cream, Pizza, bread and cheese. I'm guilty of eating the last two at least too much.
What is your favorite workout? Pilates or Yoga.
Are you in a relationship? Married
Lovely Lou
Lovely Lou
1. What do you love most about yourself? That I'm good at saving money and budgeting.
2. Describe a memory that makes you proud. When I won the all around title in gymnastics in high school my senior year.
3. If you could change one moment in your life, that you think would be
pivotal, and could change the course of your entire life, would you?
What moment would you change, what would be different? I would have majored in creative writing in College. I will have no way of knowing if it would have changed my life or not.
4. What would you do if your family and friends found out about your eating disorder and/or blog? I don't have an eating disorder but if anyone found this blog I'd probably die.
5. If you could be anyone, who would you be and why? A Victoria's Secret model. They are rich, beautiful, successful and have an awesome job.
6. What is your relationship with your parents like? I've always been closer to my mom but I have good relationship with my parents. I could never be married to someone like my dad. He drives me crazy but he's my dad and I love him. I have always had a good relationship with my parents.
7. What's your favourite 'safe food'? PBJ. I refused to eat them for the longest but with my bread at home and going easy on the Peanut Butter it's 245 cals, I love them and I usually feel okay about eating them.
8. What are you doing when you feel the most happy and joyful? Cuddling with my husband.
9. If you could be any animal what would you be? No clue. I'm really not an animal person.
10. What is your favourite fashion statement or 'look'? Leggings, tall boots and scarves.
11. If you could make one wish, what would you wish for? (can't be body related in any way) To hit the lotto for a lot of money. It doesn't even have to be enough to quit my job but I'd love to pay off the house and the other few debt we have and not have to worry about retirement.
Lila
1. what is your dream job? See above.
2. if you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why? Victoria's Secret model. Just so I could see what it felt like to be so beautiful and perfect looking.
3. do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason?I have siblings but I've never been jealous of them. Okay, maybe I was a little jealous of my little sis because my mom helped her out a lot more then she did me when I was in college.
4. if you could choose anywhere.. where would you live? Where I live right now except I might live in a different part of town. I can't see myself living anywhere else...except MAYBE Italy.
5. what is your fav pass time hobby? I waste a lot of time watching TV and being on the internet. I love blogging, watching movies and writing. I wish I had more productive hobbies.
6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times? I'd say I've been in love 3 times total and looking back it's hard to say if one of them was even love. Even the first one. I don't know. They didn't work out. I'm definitely in love now.
7. If you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why? Probably just my first name and middle initial. Just because I can't think of anything else and it seems the safest thing to do.
8. have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency) I had eye surgery.
9. What,s your greatest childhood fear? (any answers about weight don't count) Bugs and Death. I can't think of anything else.
10. do you have a favorite relative? if yes why are they your fav? I'm not that close to extended family so I'd have a hard time picking one.
11. If you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that you share with.. would you? Yes. I'm anonymous here online but if I had the opportunity I'd love to meet a fellow blogger.
Neohippie
-What is your favorite day of the year? Christmas.
-How old were you when your ED symptoms began? I've felt fat pretty much as far back as I can remember. As early as middle school I was always trying to be on a diet but mostly failing miserably.
-What was/is your favorite subject in school and why? English because I enjoy writing.
-If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go? Greece.
-If you won millions upon millions on the lottery, what would be your plan for the money? Pay off the house, my timeshare, my husbands car and any bills he has. Then, I'd buy a new car for me, shop a little, travel and leave everything else in the bank. If it was enough money I'd quit my job but if not I'd just find a job I liked better hopefully.
-What is your dream career? Author. Something that makes me feel valued and pays well.
-Do you know anyone in person who has an ED, or someone you suspect does? No.
-Your favorite book?
-Do you have any siblings? Yes, two sisters.
-How old were you when you lost your v-card? 18
-How do you prefer your coffee? 4-5 splendas and a table spoon of creamer.
Aye Ell
1. Where would be your favorite place to live? See above
2. What (alcoholic beverage) do you typically drink? Wine
3. Are you still friends with your childhood best friend? Only on Facebook.
4. What movie could you watch over and over and not get sick of? I'm not really into watching movies over and over...But if I had to pick one maybe Titanic.
5. Tell me about your first kiss. It was just after my Senior year in high school and I remember thinking it was just okay. I don't remember much else.
6. What is your favorite pair of shoes? My knee high brown boots from Aldo.
7. Have you ever been out of your home country? If so, where? See above.
8. Do you have any siblings? See above.
9. Do you have a favorite low-cal food or recipe that you frequently eat? PBJ or salad
10. Do you have any weird quirks? I'm very OCD about the way the house is kept. I really try to let go so as not to drive my husband crazy.
11. Do you have any favorite holiday traditions? Not really. I wish I did but aside from the typical things that everyone does like trees and getting together for food I really don't.
Lila
1. what is your dream job? See above.
2. if you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why? Victoria's Secret model. Just so I could see what it felt like to be so beautiful and perfect looking.
3. do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason?I have siblings but I've never been jealous of them. Okay, maybe I was a little jealous of my little sis because my mom helped her out a lot more then she did me when I was in college.
4. if you could choose anywhere.. where would you live? Where I live right now except I might live in a different part of town. I can't see myself living anywhere else...except MAYBE Italy.
5. what is your fav pass time hobby? I waste a lot of time watching TV and being on the internet. I love blogging, watching movies and writing. I wish I had more productive hobbies.
6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times? I'd say I've been in love 3 times total and looking back it's hard to say if one of them was even love. Even the first one. I don't know. They didn't work out. I'm definitely in love now.
7. If you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why? Probably just my first name and middle initial. Just because I can't think of anything else and it seems the safest thing to do.
8. have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency) I had eye surgery.
9. What,s your greatest childhood fear? (any answers about weight don't count) Bugs and Death. I can't think of anything else.
10. do you have a favorite relative? if yes why are they your fav? I'm not that close to extended family so I'd have a hard time picking one.
11. If you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that you share with.. would you? Yes. I'm anonymous here online but if I had the opportunity I'd love to meet a fellow blogger.
Neohippie
-What is your favorite day of the year? Christmas.
-How old were you when your ED symptoms began? I've felt fat pretty much as far back as I can remember. As early as middle school I was always trying to be on a diet but mostly failing miserably.
-What was/is your favorite subject in school and why? English because I enjoy writing.
-If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go? Greece.
-If you won millions upon millions on the lottery, what would be your plan for the money? Pay off the house, my timeshare, my husbands car and any bills he has. Then, I'd buy a new car for me, shop a little, travel and leave everything else in the bank. If it was enough money I'd quit my job but if not I'd just find a job I liked better hopefully.
-What is your dream career? Author. Something that makes me feel valued and pays well.
-Do you know anyone in person who has an ED, or someone you suspect does? No.
-Your favorite book?
-Do you have any siblings? Yes, two sisters.
-How old were you when you lost your v-card? 18
-How do you prefer your coffee? 4-5 splendas and a table spoon of creamer.
Aye Ell
1. Where would be your favorite place to live? See above
2. What (alcoholic beverage) do you typically drink? Wine
3. Are you still friends with your childhood best friend? Only on Facebook.
4. What movie could you watch over and over and not get sick of? I'm not really into watching movies over and over...But if I had to pick one maybe Titanic.
5. Tell me about your first kiss. It was just after my Senior year in high school and I remember thinking it was just okay. I don't remember much else.
6. What is your favorite pair of shoes? My knee high brown boots from Aldo.
7. Have you ever been out of your home country? If so, where? See above.
8. Do you have any siblings? See above.
9. Do you have a favorite low-cal food or recipe that you frequently eat? PBJ or salad
10. Do you have any weird quirks? I'm very OCD about the way the house is kept. I really try to let go so as not to drive my husband crazy.
11. Do you have any favorite holiday traditions? Not really. I wish I did but aside from the typical things that everyone does like trees and getting together for food I really don't.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Water Retention Hell
I've been retaining water for most of this past week and it is HELL. I hate it. I have lost, gained and lost the same exact stupid pound over and over and haven't made any progress. This sort of maintenance is still better then a gain though. I've told myself that I'm not allowed to write in this blog unless I'm in the 118's and I am just barely at 118.6. Not because I'm embarrassed to share my total failure with you all but just because I'm so pissed at myself. I always round up to the 1/2 pound so it's actually 119 (yuck!!!) but for the purposes of being able to write in this blog it counts. I figured I better get a post in while I'm still "allowed" because who knows what tomorrow will bring. It sucks to work your butt off at the gym, wake up starving and STILL have gained a pound. I'm just so over it. And yet, I persist. I really wish I could just be fat and happy. Body acceptance....what a concept. I told myself that I would be skinny dammit by the time I saw my family at Thanksgiving again but I'm just not making much progress.
I made Mexican pizza on Flat outs on Tuesday. It felt good to finally make something for my husband for a change. Since then he's made chicken, chilli, and sliders. I opt out of his dinners when I can. Not only because it leaves me to eat whatever but because if I don't eat it that leaves more for him. He cooked it so he might as well get to eat it. I don't feel like I deserve to have any since he cooks so much more then I do. Plus, that means he has food and I won't feel bad that I didn't cook anything. I had a nice relaxing three day weekend. I got my work outs in. I didn't clean at all. I didn't even do laundry. Sometimes I just feel sooo lazy. Some of the shows I normally watch have dried up leaving my DVR mostly empty but this is a good thing. I really need to occupy myself with something other then TV even if it's just sitting there with my husband. I managed to write about 7 pages of my novel over the past week or so which is good. Sometimes it takes everything to force myself to keep writing but I'm trying to keep going. There was a veterans day 50% off offer at Banana Republic so I found two tops yesterday. Normally I don't shop there because it's so expensive. I found one button up and one sweater. I spent $30 on each and that's WITH the 50% off. What's up with the sizes? I had to get an XS in the button up. I stuck with a small for the sweater so that I could put shirts underneath. I have never been an XS in a top ever. I swear the sizes just keep getting smaller and smaller.
I haven't spoken to my mom since she told me I can't drive. It's not just because of that. I'm not really a "phone" person but I'm sure that were it not for that I would have made more of an effort. She hasn't called me either but normally we don't go this long without speaking. We will speak again soon. Thanksgiving is around the corner after all. I haven't spoken to my older sister either but that weirdness has been going on for a while now. It took us a little over a week to even talk after I got back from vacation and I haven't spoken to her since. We seem to be drifting for some reason and I don't know why. I have a major dislike for her husband and deep down I'm angry with her for settling for him because I know that she deserves way better. I do my best to hide it but I wonder if that isn't somehow driving a wedge between us. It's her life and I know that but sometimes it's upsetting.
I had the worst cramps in the middle of the night. It was awful! I haven't had cramps this bad in a long time. I was just laying there squeezing my pillow tight in agony. Hopefully now this water retention crap will chill out since I started today. So far so good. I've had to go to the bathroom bad twice already. This week's challenge is dinner out Friday night for a friend's birthday. I'm going to try so, so hard to be good. I get so damn hungry sometimes that no matter what I tell myself before hand in the moment food becomes so hard to resist. I'm such a food addict. I literally went back and forth to my pantry on the down low yesterday grabbing a few tortilla chips each time to munch on. I know part of why I'm doing it is because I'm hungry and am constantly trying to limit what I can have. The other part is just that I freaking love food. I wonder what is driving what? Am I a food addict because I'm constantly restricting or an I restricting to fight my food addiction? All I know is that it's an exhausting battle every single day to keep fighting it. The battle of the bulge rages on.
I made Mexican pizza on Flat outs on Tuesday. It felt good to finally make something for my husband for a change. Since then he's made chicken, chilli, and sliders. I opt out of his dinners when I can. Not only because it leaves me to eat whatever but because if I don't eat it that leaves more for him. He cooked it so he might as well get to eat it. I don't feel like I deserve to have any since he cooks so much more then I do. Plus, that means he has food and I won't feel bad that I didn't cook anything. I had a nice relaxing three day weekend. I got my work outs in. I didn't clean at all. I didn't even do laundry. Sometimes I just feel sooo lazy. Some of the shows I normally watch have dried up leaving my DVR mostly empty but this is a good thing. I really need to occupy myself with something other then TV even if it's just sitting there with my husband. I managed to write about 7 pages of my novel over the past week or so which is good. Sometimes it takes everything to force myself to keep writing but I'm trying to keep going. There was a veterans day 50% off offer at Banana Republic so I found two tops yesterday. Normally I don't shop there because it's so expensive. I found one button up and one sweater. I spent $30 on each and that's WITH the 50% off. What's up with the sizes? I had to get an XS in the button up. I stuck with a small for the sweater so that I could put shirts underneath. I have never been an XS in a top ever. I swear the sizes just keep getting smaller and smaller.
I haven't spoken to my mom since she told me I can't drive. It's not just because of that. I'm not really a "phone" person but I'm sure that were it not for that I would have made more of an effort. She hasn't called me either but normally we don't go this long without speaking. We will speak again soon. Thanksgiving is around the corner after all. I haven't spoken to my older sister either but that weirdness has been going on for a while now. It took us a little over a week to even talk after I got back from vacation and I haven't spoken to her since. We seem to be drifting for some reason and I don't know why. I have a major dislike for her husband and deep down I'm angry with her for settling for him because I know that she deserves way better. I do my best to hide it but I wonder if that isn't somehow driving a wedge between us. It's her life and I know that but sometimes it's upsetting.
I had the worst cramps in the middle of the night. It was awful! I haven't had cramps this bad in a long time. I was just laying there squeezing my pillow tight in agony. Hopefully now this water retention crap will chill out since I started today. So far so good. I've had to go to the bathroom bad twice already. This week's challenge is dinner out Friday night for a friend's birthday. I'm going to try so, so hard to be good. I get so damn hungry sometimes that no matter what I tell myself before hand in the moment food becomes so hard to resist. I'm such a food addict. I literally went back and forth to my pantry on the down low yesterday grabbing a few tortilla chips each time to munch on. I know part of why I'm doing it is because I'm hungry and am constantly trying to limit what I can have. The other part is just that I freaking love food. I wonder what is driving what? Am I a food addict because I'm constantly restricting or an I restricting to fight my food addiction? All I know is that it's an exhausting battle every single day to keep fighting it. The battle of the bulge rages on.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Woman Driver
I am so annoyed and upset right now. On Sunday me being the screw up that I am mixed up the dates my sister was supposed to be at my Mom's It's not for another two weeks but I showed up on Sunday and no one was there. To my credit not once did we ever use dates because when we were discussing it neither one of us had a calendar and I never called either one before I made the drive up. My sister suggested since I was there that we just go ahead and meet at a half way point between my mom's house and her house for lunch. She lives two hours away so we would each just have an hour to drive and that way I'd at least get to see her. I drove. Today I get a text from my mom while I'm at work asking if I can talk so I text back yes. She calls me and tells me that she was talking to my dad about the way I drive and he felt that she should speak up. She thinks that I follow too closely and a couple of times she was nervous about if I would stop in time. She is only telling me because she wants me to be safe. What the hell!!! I've been driving since I was 16 and I haven't killed anyone yet. No time during that drive to I even remember there being a close call. I'm the one with my foot on the break and I wasn't worried about not stopping in time. I didn't say too much. I couldn't. I didn't say I agreed with her that's for sure because I don't. I just said if it was worrying her so much I'm glad that she said something but I wouldn't be driving that way if I felt there was a problem nor do I feel there is a problem. Nobody likes to be told they can't drive. And my dad is the worst of them yet. His eyes are bad and he's all erratic all over the road so who is he to talk about me? If he says a single word to me next time I see him I'm going to be pissed and just say I don't want to talk about it. I don't need driving lessons from him. Am I really that bad that my mom thinks that any given day could be the day that I get into my car after work and end up in an accident? This was so urgent that she couldn't even wait until the weekend to tell me this. And who's driving is perfect anyways?
The thing about it is that just yesterday I was feeling like an idiot because for some unknown reason instead of pulling out of the gas station driveway like a normal person I actually pulled out from the curb. My car made loud noises as first the front bumper and then the back banged down the curb and onto the street. The person behind me probably thought I was crazy. Why? I have no idea. I didn't see the driveway? I thought I was at the driveway? I don't freaking know. After that happened I was feeling pretty annoyed with myself for being a crappy driver. I can't parallel park. I can't back into parking spaces. I have to do 3 point turns to back out of certain parking spaces because I'm always afraid I'm to close and half the time I have plenty of room. I've always felt that I kind of am a nervous driver. I'm that typical Woman driver that people complain about. I get confused about which lane I'm supposed to be in. I'm not aggressive and I have no sense of direction so that doesn't help. I've made my share of driving mistakes. I never got a ticket until my late 20's and then for some reason got one every year for three years but it's been a while since my last one. I also got one red light camera ticket. I rear ended a lady last year in traffic and I did actually hit a biker in 2009 (he came out of nowhere) so I know my track record isn't the best but still. I watch the speed limit. If anything I tend to be overly cautious. It just sucks that she said that to me. I know that I'm not the greatest driver. Maybe I'm even one of the worst. I know that there is always room for improvement so that's why I can't get too mad. It just sucks to have your mother specifically call to inform you of your terrible driving skills as a 30 something adult.
I will NEVER drive with her or my Dad in the car again. At least not for a long time. I can't stand it when I feel that a passenger is scrutinizing my driving or being a back seat driver. It just makes me more nervous and it's too stressful. If they don't like my driving then fine; they don't ever have to be my passenger. I'm not going to tell her that I don't want to drive with her or dad in the car but if it comes up I'm just going to say I don't feel comfortable driving. I'm not going to get mad at her because I know she was doing it out of love. That's how people get into all kinds of unnecessary ridiculous family drama in the first place. They let their emotions get the best of them and then hold grudges and/or say mean things. We don't do that in my family and I'm not going to start now. I'm an adult; I can deal with it like one but it just sucks and I feel really awful inside about it. I'm NOT going to tell my husband. I don't want to call attention to this. I already feel like an idiot driving with him half the time and it's just too embarrassing. I feel like I want to cry over this right now and I'm not even sure why. I just feel stupid and incompetent. I already have issues with lack of confidence in myself so this doesn't help.
I just needed to vent.
The thing about it is that just yesterday I was feeling like an idiot because for some unknown reason instead of pulling out of the gas station driveway like a normal person I actually pulled out from the curb. My car made loud noises as first the front bumper and then the back banged down the curb and onto the street. The person behind me probably thought I was crazy. Why? I have no idea. I didn't see the driveway? I thought I was at the driveway? I don't freaking know. After that happened I was feeling pretty annoyed with myself for being a crappy driver. I can't parallel park. I can't back into parking spaces. I have to do 3 point turns to back out of certain parking spaces because I'm always afraid I'm to close and half the time I have plenty of room. I've always felt that I kind of am a nervous driver. I'm that typical Woman driver that people complain about. I get confused about which lane I'm supposed to be in. I'm not aggressive and I have no sense of direction so that doesn't help. I've made my share of driving mistakes. I never got a ticket until my late 20's and then for some reason got one every year for three years but it's been a while since my last one. I also got one red light camera ticket. I rear ended a lady last year in traffic and I did actually hit a biker in 2009 (he came out of nowhere) so I know my track record isn't the best but still. I watch the speed limit. If anything I tend to be overly cautious. It just sucks that she said that to me. I know that I'm not the greatest driver. Maybe I'm even one of the worst. I know that there is always room for improvement so that's why I can't get too mad. It just sucks to have your mother specifically call to inform you of your terrible driving skills as a 30 something adult.
I will NEVER drive with her or my Dad in the car again. At least not for a long time. I can't stand it when I feel that a passenger is scrutinizing my driving or being a back seat driver. It just makes me more nervous and it's too stressful. If they don't like my driving then fine; they don't ever have to be my passenger. I'm not going to tell her that I don't want to drive with her or dad in the car but if it comes up I'm just going to say I don't feel comfortable driving. I'm not going to get mad at her because I know she was doing it out of love. That's how people get into all kinds of unnecessary ridiculous family drama in the first place. They let their emotions get the best of them and then hold grudges and/or say mean things. We don't do that in my family and I'm not going to start now. I'm an adult; I can deal with it like one but it just sucks and I feel really awful inside about it. I'm NOT going to tell my husband. I don't want to call attention to this. I already feel like an idiot driving with him half the time and it's just too embarrassing. I feel like I want to cry over this right now and I'm not even sure why. I just feel stupid and incompetent. I already have issues with lack of confidence in myself so this doesn't help.
I just needed to vent.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Three Day Food Fest
I ate so bad on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Thank goodness the happy hour thing didn't pan out last Friday. I told hubby I would go but then they changed it to this coming Friday. Saturday was the wedding. BAD. Sunday hubby wanted Pizza so we ordered it and I proceeded to eat 3 slices because I can't control myself. I had already agreed to lunch with hubby on Monday at this place because I wanted to try their hamburger so that was lunch on Monday. With Garlic Steak Fries. So, it went like this: Saturday 1469, Sunday 1785 and Monday 1375 calories. Whoa. Yes, I felt disgusting even as I was doing it but I did it anyways. I hate myself for wanting and needing food so I feel like a real loser for admitting that I enjoyed what I was eating. While I'm in the act of pigging out it's almost like I separate my actions from my mind. It's the pre anxiety inner battle before hand and the post binge guilt that really gets to me the worst. Sometimes I just get so tired of fighting it. I try so hard to navigate the food traps in my social calender. I avoid lunches with hubby when I can and I haven't gone to happy hour with friends in a while just because I don't trust myself and it's never the "right time" for me to have a slip up. I have to balance that with dinner with hubby at home. I'm always in my phone tracking every calorie and I keep up with exercise and yet still never get the results I want. I just said screw it and went with whatever was happening and didn't even bother trying to resist. Plus, I just kept telling myself that hubby leaves on Saturday and I'll have over a month of eating whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want without hubby's influence. I'll deal with the fall out then. The only good thing to come out of the three day food fest is that I went #2 four days in a row. They say you are supposed to have a BM every day and some even do it twice a day but I've never had that skill. I think I finally fed my body enough consistently for it to do it. Yesterday my cals were 972 so I'm already jumping back on the band wagon. Even though I always fantasize about how awesome it would be to eat more normally my body really doesn't want to eat that much all the time. I could never do that every day consistently. I felt so overloaded and disgusting that I relished that first day of staying under 1,000.
I ended up not going to hubby's kick ball game two weeks ago because I realized that I miscalculated and could still go today which would really be the last time before he leaves. So I'm meeting up with him and his two teammate friends after work today for that. We're going to dinner first but I already know what I'm getting and trust myself to stick to it. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym. Friday I'm chilling with hubby and hopefully NOT going to that re scheduled happy hour. He has a lot to do and he says he's just going to stop by real quick so I'm not sure if there is any point of me going too. I take him to the airport early Saturday and then there is a Pizza party for my nephews Birthday at my sister's new house. It's about 2 1/2 hours from me so I'm driving to my parents after I drop hubby off at the airport and then riding with them. I cannot seem to escape Pizza!
Thanks for the input on that scale. I don't really see having it and hiding it as an option. I really don't want to keep a secret like that because if he ever finds out it'll be really obvious that I hid it from him. I'll e mail customer service and just ask them if weights can be cleared or not and if so how easily. In the meantime I've switched from the one that measures in 1/2 lb increments to the one that measures every tenth between pounds. That other one is screwy. Hell, they all are for the most part but I feel that the 1/2 lb scale consistently weighs me higher for no reason and seems to fluctuate erratically more so then the other one. I already know that both scales are higher then the ones at the doctor's office and at the gym. The weird thing about both of those scales is that they don't require batteries. I've had the 1/2 lbs scale since 2004 or so and never once replaced batteries. I don't even see a place to put them in. The other one was hubby's and since we've been together (4 yrs) never once has he had to replace his. I don't even know what these scales are powered by!! I'd say they are magical but that can't be true because if they were then they would say what I want them to!
Kitty; you asked me why hubby doesn't want to stay in our house. He says it's not his "dream home." He would like to have a bigger kitchen and a larger back yard some day. Although-neither one of us really wants to take care of a big yard. For me, I don't think it's necessarily my "dream house" per se because if money were not a major determining factor I can't say I would have picked it. For me it IS a dream just to have a house and I do feel like it's a good size for the two of us, it's nice and it really fits our needs. It's a great house and I really do love it. Sometimes I do wish we had a bigger garage because there would be more storage and getting in and out of the car would be easier. More cupboard and counter space in the kitchen would be nice. And I do wish that our shower and tub were nicer. It's this fiberglass that doesn't ever look clean no matter how much I scrub it so I don't even use the tub because then it would just end up dirty looking and there is no hiding that behind glass doors like the shower. That's my only issue with our bathroom. Aside from those little things I love the house. Some of the things we want can't be changed but overall I still think that if I never had another house I'd be okay. Hubby just doesn't agree.
I ended up not going to hubby's kick ball game two weeks ago because I realized that I miscalculated and could still go today which would really be the last time before he leaves. So I'm meeting up with him and his two teammate friends after work today for that. We're going to dinner first but I already know what I'm getting and trust myself to stick to it. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym. Friday I'm chilling with hubby and hopefully NOT going to that re scheduled happy hour. He has a lot to do and he says he's just going to stop by real quick so I'm not sure if there is any point of me going too. I take him to the airport early Saturday and then there is a Pizza party for my nephews Birthday at my sister's new house. It's about 2 1/2 hours from me so I'm driving to my parents after I drop hubby off at the airport and then riding with them. I cannot seem to escape Pizza!
Thanks for the input on that scale. I don't really see having it and hiding it as an option. I really don't want to keep a secret like that because if he ever finds out it'll be really obvious that I hid it from him. I'll e mail customer service and just ask them if weights can be cleared or not and if so how easily. In the meantime I've switched from the one that measures in 1/2 lb increments to the one that measures every tenth between pounds. That other one is screwy. Hell, they all are for the most part but I feel that the 1/2 lb scale consistently weighs me higher for no reason and seems to fluctuate erratically more so then the other one. I already know that both scales are higher then the ones at the doctor's office and at the gym. The weird thing about both of those scales is that they don't require batteries. I've had the 1/2 lbs scale since 2004 or so and never once replaced batteries. I don't even see a place to put them in. The other one was hubby's and since we've been together (4 yrs) never once has he had to replace his. I don't even know what these scales are powered by!! I'd say they are magical but that can't be true because if they were then they would say what I want them to!
Kitty; you asked me why hubby doesn't want to stay in our house. He says it's not his "dream home." He would like to have a bigger kitchen and a larger back yard some day. Although-neither one of us really wants to take care of a big yard. For me, I don't think it's necessarily my "dream house" per se because if money were not a major determining factor I can't say I would have picked it. For me it IS a dream just to have a house and I do feel like it's a good size for the two of us, it's nice and it really fits our needs. It's a great house and I really do love it. Sometimes I do wish we had a bigger garage because there would be more storage and getting in and out of the car would be easier. More cupboard and counter space in the kitchen would be nice. And I do wish that our shower and tub were nicer. It's this fiberglass that doesn't ever look clean no matter how much I scrub it so I don't even use the tub because then it would just end up dirty looking and there is no hiding that behind glass doors like the shower. That's my only issue with our bathroom. Aside from those little things I love the house. Some of the things we want can't be changed but overall I still think that if I never had another house I'd be okay. Hubby just doesn't agree.
Monday, May 28, 2012
The Numbers: April 30-May 27
I gained 1.5 lbs after a day of 1,010 intake, 626 calories burned and 48 oz of water. I reached a new high weight. Awesome. My body is like a sponge. I absorb everything except when you squeeze me nothing comes out. Today my cals will be about the same except I burned 770 at the gym this morning. I'm at 24 oz of water so far. I'm taking bets on how much I'll gain tomorrow. As I went to the gym today I wondered why I even bother. I almost started crying on the elliptical. When you do everything you are supposed to do and you still can't lose weight you are done. I'm done. Any shred of control I might of had before is totally gone. There is no hope for me. I am trapped inside this disgusting body that I'm hating right now. I feel huge and I worry about when my clothes will stop fitting.
So these are the numbers for the last month. No progress. No nothing. I'm a pig. I may or may not post them again until I reach the weight I want to be....which may or may not ever happen.
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Apr 30th
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 4/30/12 | 1,118 | 960 | 620 | 340 | -778 | 115.5 |
| 5/1/12 | 1,115 | 1,115 | 530 | 585 | -530 | 115 |
| 5/2/12 | 1,121 | 1,103 | 0 | 1,103 | -19 | 116 |
| 5/3/12 | 1,118 | 1,092 | 0 | 1,092 | -26 | 115.5 |
| 5/4/12 | 1,118 | 1,206 | 0 | 1,206 | 88 | 115.5 |
| 5/5/12 | 1,118 | 970 | 0 | 970 | -148 | 115.5 |
| 5/6/12 | 1,118 | 1,147 | 0 | 1,147 | 28 | ----- |
| 1,384 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| Gained 1 pound this week as measured from a starting weight of 114.5 on April 29th. | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 298g | 34.9% |
| Saturated Fat | 105g | |
| Cholesterol | 1,319mg | |
| Sodium | 11,802mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 964g | 50.3% |
| Fiber | 105g | |
| Sugars | 343g | |
| Protein | 285g | 14.8% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Elliptical 60/620 | 1 Hour | 620 |
| Elliptical 530 | 1 Hour | 530 |
| Total | 1150 | |
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, May 7th
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 5/7/12 | 875 | 920 | 0 | 920 | 45 | 116.5 |
| 5/8/12 | 875 | 1,134 | 250 | 884 | 9 | 116.5 |
| 5/9/12 | 871 | 990 | 0 | 990 | 119 | 116 |
| 5/10/12 | 1,115 | 1,130 | 0 | 1,130 | 15 | 115 |
| 5/11/12 | 1,111 | 1,907 | 0 | 1,907 | 796 | 114.5 |
| 5/12/12 | 1,115 | 1,126 | 275 | 850 | -264 | 115 |
| 5/13/12 | 1,118 | 1,319 | 0 | 1,319 | 201 | 115.5 |
| 921 calories over budget for the week | ||||||
| No change in weight this week as measured from a starting weight of 115.5 on May 6th. | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 328g | 33.7% |
| Saturated Fat | 127g | |
| Cholesterol | 878mg | |
| Sodium | 14,420mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 1,111g | 50.8% |
| Fiber | 135g | |
| Sugars | 341g | |
| Protein | 338g | 15.5% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Video: Element Ballet Conditioning | 50 Min | 275 |
| Elliptical 30 | 30 Min | 250 |
| Total | 525 | |
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, May 14th
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 5/14/12 | 881 | 964 | 590 | 374 | -507 | 117.5 |
| 5/15/12 | 878 | 909 | 570 | 339 | -539 | 117 |
| 5/16/12 | 946 | 989 | 0 | 989 | 43 | 116 |
| 5/17/12 | 946 | 927 | 0 | 927 | -19 | 116 |
| 5/18/12 | 943 | 967 | 0 | 967 | 24 | 115.5 |
| 5/19/12 | 943 | 1,450 | 0 | 1,450 | 507 | 115.5 |
| 5/20/12 | 943 | 1,260 | 295 | 965 | 22 | 115.5 |
| 469 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| No change in weight this week as measured from a starting weight of 115.5 on May 13th. | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 283g | 33.1% |
| Saturated Fat | 108g | |
| Cholesterol | 834mg | |
| Sodium | 12,326mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 955g | 49.7% |
| Fiber | 105g | |
| Sugars | 289g | |
| Protein | 331g | 17.2% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Video: Element Ballet Conditioning | 50 Min | 295 |
| Elliptical 590 | 1 Hour | 590 |
| Elliptical 60/570 | 1 Hour | 570 |
| Total | 1455 | |
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, May 21st
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 5/21/12 | 943 | 949 | 280 | 669 | -274 | 115.5 |
| 5/22/12 | 950 | 775 | 0 | 775 | -174 | 116.5 |
| 5/23/12 | 956 | 1,067 | 0 | 1,067 | 111 | 117.5 |
| 5/24/12 | 953 | 904 | 301 | 602 | -350 | 117 |
| 5/25/12 | 943 | 909 | 0 | 909 | -34 | 115.5 |
| 5/26/12 | 953 | 1,000 | 345 | 655 | -298 | 117 |
| 5/27/12 | 956 | 1,010 | 626 | 384 | -573 | 117.5 |
| 1,592 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| Gained 2 pounds this week as measured from a starting weight of 115.5 on May 20th. | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 247g | 32.7% |
| Saturated Fat | 89g | |
| Cholesterol | 486mg | |
| Sodium | 12,101mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 899g | 53% |
| Fiber | 109g | |
| Sugars | 318g | |
| Protein | 244g | 14.3% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Elliptical 280 | 30 Min | 280 |
| Video: Element Ballet Conditioning | 50 Min | 345 |
| Situps | 10 Min | 23 |
| Elliptical 30/290 | 30 Min | 290 |
| Elliptical 60/550 | 1 Hour | 550 |
| Stretching | 15 Min | 65 |
| Total | 1553 | |
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
119.0 [Day 3] Plateau From Hell
When I got off the elliptical yesterday my legs were mush. I feel super wobbly my first steps off. Im the locker room there was this skinny teenage girl changing back into these impossibly tiny jeans. Her jutting elbows and long lanky stick legs made me jealous. She could be naturally thin or she could be anorexic as skinny as she was. I would like to be thin enough to make people wonder about me.
I got home and I weighed at 119.5!!! WTF! After burning 500 cals I can't even be at my morning weight. So, I knew I wasn't gonna loose a damn thing. I'm already frustrated. I didn't consider the possibility of doing everything right and still being fat. That could very well happen because my body sucks but I'm determined not to give up. It's been 3 days since my renewed determination. I'm back on that 119 which I can't seem to break and it just kills me that in late Oct I was in the 115's. KILLS ME that I'm having such a hard time breaking through when I was maintaining below 118 for so long and not that long ago. I think that's part of my impatience. "This isn't my real weight. I'm not really this fat," I keep thinking in my head but then the scale says different. It's so confusing because I really don't think my body has changed much. I still have my thigh gap...but my boobs do feel heavy and look huge. I'm such a heifer right now.
I'm not going to the gym today so I am determined to be super good. NO CANDY CANES FROM THE TREE!! Candy totally ruins my calorie counts. When will I learn? At work yesterday there was some holiday thingy. I picked a little of each and I swear I attacked that plate like it was my last meal. Well, it sort of was...for the day at least! I got home late because of the gym and when hubby asked if I wanted anything I acted all put out and said, "No...it's too late to eat." Which it really is but it is an awesome excuse to skip dinner. I get to use it tonight since I have a hair appointment and won't get home until 7pm. He waits until I come home to eat. Whatever time that may be....which is sweet but not helpful for someone who is hoping to avoid eating. He put beans and cheese on tortilla chips and sat right up in my grill and ate them. Oh god....I could smell them. I was starving and I did have one and then blocked it out.
We watched The Biggest Loser season finale. Those people lost a crap load of weight. The guys did way better then the girls. Most of the guys are actually slim now. You wouldn't even think they were chunky or big or anything. But the girls. Not so much. They still have a long way to go. They lost a lot of weight (the lowest being 60 something pounds) and look better but are still big girls. Ada lost 90 something pounds and she looks good but she still weighs like 170 and I don't think she's that tall. Sadly, some of them will never be skinny. They work their tails off, loose all this weight and are essentially still fat. One of the girls (well more then one) but one in particular has the worse form ever. She's a pear and most of her weight sits around her hips and stomach. Her shape is just so awful that there is probably nothing she can do about it. And I'm complaining.
I had a BM this morning. 3rd day in a row. I'm just going to stay strong. I only have what I have to eat today and when I get home the plan is an apple and string cheese. I am determined not to break.
Tuesday Eats: 1050
I got home and I weighed at 119.5!!! WTF! After burning 500 cals I can't even be at my morning weight. So, I knew I wasn't gonna loose a damn thing. I'm already frustrated. I didn't consider the possibility of doing everything right and still being fat. That could very well happen because my body sucks but I'm determined not to give up. It's been 3 days since my renewed determination. I'm back on that 119 which I can't seem to break and it just kills me that in late Oct I was in the 115's. KILLS ME that I'm having such a hard time breaking through when I was maintaining below 118 for so long and not that long ago. I think that's part of my impatience. "This isn't my real weight. I'm not really this fat," I keep thinking in my head but then the scale says different. It's so confusing because I really don't think my body has changed much. I still have my thigh gap...but my boobs do feel heavy and look huge. I'm such a heifer right now.
I'm not going to the gym today so I am determined to be super good. NO CANDY CANES FROM THE TREE!! Candy totally ruins my calorie counts. When will I learn? At work yesterday there was some holiday thingy. I picked a little of each and I swear I attacked that plate like it was my last meal. Well, it sort of was...for the day at least! I got home late because of the gym and when hubby asked if I wanted anything I acted all put out and said, "No...it's too late to eat." Which it really is but it is an awesome excuse to skip dinner. I get to use it tonight since I have a hair appointment and won't get home until 7pm. He waits until I come home to eat. Whatever time that may be....which is sweet but not helpful for someone who is hoping to avoid eating. He put beans and cheese on tortilla chips and sat right up in my grill and ate them. Oh god....I could smell them. I was starving and I did have one and then blocked it out.
We watched The Biggest Loser season finale. Those people lost a crap load of weight. The guys did way better then the girls. Most of the guys are actually slim now. You wouldn't even think they were chunky or big or anything. But the girls. Not so much. They still have a long way to go. They lost a lot of weight (the lowest being 60 something pounds) and look better but are still big girls. Ada lost 90 something pounds and she looks good but she still weighs like 170 and I don't think she's that tall. Sadly, some of them will never be skinny. They work their tails off, loose all this weight and are essentially still fat. One of the girls (well more then one) but one in particular has the worse form ever. She's a pear and most of her weight sits around her hips and stomach. Her shape is just so awful that there is probably nothing she can do about it. And I'm complaining.
I had a BM this morning. 3rd day in a row. I'm just going to stay strong. I only have what I have to eat today and when I get home the plan is an apple and string cheese. I am determined not to break.
Tuesday Eats: 1050
- PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Caramel Popcorn (180)
- Assorted Holiday H'ors Douvres (250)
- Apple (50), String Cheese (80), FF Candy (200)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
119.0 [Day 2] 500 Calorie Burn
Work was so frustrating yesterday. L came in early but because of stupid meetings I only get to work with her for about 15 minutes. Normally, I get about an hour at the end of the day which is still ridiculous when learning a job to only have an hour of training and/or support a day. During the day if I'm working on something I am totally held up because I have to wait until 4pm to get clarification on it and then work on it the next day. This is totally inefficient and it's annoying. I am not able to get work done fast enough. I feel like I'm falling behind and it's stressing me out. It would be nice to get stumped, ask my question and then just be able to continue working. We didn't even get to going over new isis screens yesterday so now all day today is wasted where I can't work on it. Sigh.
It might be too soon to be updating my sidebar over there but really. I should never have been up to 120 in the first place so I'm updating it and I'm not screwing it up. I discovered the elliptical yesterday. It's about freakin' time I did something other then the treadmill where I bust my butt dripping sweat and totally out of breath and sometimes only burn 300 cals. The elliptical is where it's at. 500 cals in an hour. Bam!! I actually felt like I accomplished something and burned off more then my measly PBJ sandwich. It made the gym time which takes away from my free time at home and gets me home at 7pm actually seem worthwhile. I really did not want to go but desperate times call for desperate measures. I lost that stupid 1lb I gained over the weekend but gaining it may well have been what forced me into the gym in the first place so it all worked out in the end. I'm even going to go today too. Oh hell, I'm already tired but to be able to burn 500 cals in one shot. I will make myself go. It's gonna be a long week. Tomorrow is hair appt after work then Thursday is football game after work. Thank god Christmas Break starts next week.
I used to be OK with hangin' out in the 120's. As long as it did not exceed 122. My metabolism got shot, I had to eat and with minimal restricting I sort of hung out at 122 for a while. Then last year without explanation the numbers started going down. I wasn't exercising or anything. I liked it of course especially since I didn't ever see myself getting below 120 again. I restricted more and got down to 114 while hubby was gone. Granted, that might be why the numbers went down. Being in a relationship makes you fat. But still...the numbers had not gone that low since I was busting my butt hard core restricting back in 2005. So, ever since my weight dipped below 120 last year I have sort of made that my new goal for maintaining. I was doing it too without too much effort. Just my normal restricting, that is if you call restricting normal. Then, it suddenly got really hard around March of this year but I kept it up. It got to 116, then 118 maintenance then got hard to even maintain that. Now here I sit on this weight loss mission. Which to be honest I really haven't put effort into it this way with goals and everything in a long time. Restriction is sort of part of my life....not necessarily a dieting weight loss thing...but it sort of is...so the lines are sort of blurred I guess.
I went #2 two days in a row!! Sunday and Monday. That almost never happens. Definitely a good thing. Hopefully an awesome work out can put me at 118.5 by tomorrow and then I will work like hell to be strong and maintain restricting and keep loosing. My stomach was growling like crazy last night in bed. It's been a while since I felt those major hunger pangs and it was a good thing. It reminds me of how it used to be. How it needs to be. Don't expect to eat. Expect not to eat. Expect the pain and push through it. I am having to relearn that since I've gotten so indulgent over the last few months. Before I would have come home from the gym and been like...."Oh, I should eat something even if it's just a sandwich. Don't want my metabolism to shut down." Well, last night I was thinking, how little can I eat. I had cake but not excessively so and I will consider yesterday-my day 1-a success.
Yesterday's Eats: [800 cals]
It might be too soon to be updating my sidebar over there but really. I should never have been up to 120 in the first place so I'm updating it and I'm not screwing it up. I discovered the elliptical yesterday. It's about freakin' time I did something other then the treadmill where I bust my butt dripping sweat and totally out of breath and sometimes only burn 300 cals. The elliptical is where it's at. 500 cals in an hour. Bam!! I actually felt like I accomplished something and burned off more then my measly PBJ sandwich. It made the gym time which takes away from my free time at home and gets me home at 7pm actually seem worthwhile. I really did not want to go but desperate times call for desperate measures. I lost that stupid 1lb I gained over the weekend but gaining it may well have been what forced me into the gym in the first place so it all worked out in the end. I'm even going to go today too. Oh hell, I'm already tired but to be able to burn 500 cals in one shot. I will make myself go. It's gonna be a long week. Tomorrow is hair appt after work then Thursday is football game after work. Thank god Christmas Break starts next week.
I used to be OK with hangin' out in the 120's. As long as it did not exceed 122. My metabolism got shot, I had to eat and with minimal restricting I sort of hung out at 122 for a while. Then last year without explanation the numbers started going down. I wasn't exercising or anything. I liked it of course especially since I didn't ever see myself getting below 120 again. I restricted more and got down to 114 while hubby was gone. Granted, that might be why the numbers went down. Being in a relationship makes you fat. But still...the numbers had not gone that low since I was busting my butt hard core restricting back in 2005. So, ever since my weight dipped below 120 last year I have sort of made that my new goal for maintaining. I was doing it too without too much effort. Just my normal restricting, that is if you call restricting normal. Then, it suddenly got really hard around March of this year but I kept it up. It got to 116, then 118 maintenance then got hard to even maintain that. Now here I sit on this weight loss mission. Which to be honest I really haven't put effort into it this way with goals and everything in a long time. Restriction is sort of part of my life....not necessarily a dieting weight loss thing...but it sort of is...so the lines are sort of blurred I guess.
I went #2 two days in a row!! Sunday and Monday. That almost never happens. Definitely a good thing. Hopefully an awesome work out can put me at 118.5 by tomorrow and then I will work like hell to be strong and maintain restricting and keep loosing. My stomach was growling like crazy last night in bed. It's been a while since I felt those major hunger pangs and it was a good thing. It reminds me of how it used to be. How it needs to be. Don't expect to eat. Expect not to eat. Expect the pain and push through it. I am having to relearn that since I've gotten so indulgent over the last few months. Before I would have come home from the gym and been like...."Oh, I should eat something even if it's just a sandwich. Don't want my metabolism to shut down." Well, last night I was thinking, how little can I eat. I had cake but not excessively so and I will consider yesterday-my day 1-a success.
Yesterday's Eats: [800 cals]
- PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Dry Cereal (90)
- FF Pringles (40), Apple (50), String Cheese (80)
- Cake (250)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
119.0: Working On Control
I did pretty good yesterday. At hubby's friends holiday party/housewarming party I didn't do too much munching. When it was time to eat I got a little bit of a few of the things I wanted. I had bread, 2 slivers of beef, 1 scoop of mashed potatoes, and veggies. I drank about 2 glasses of wine and for dessert I had a small piece of cake. I didn't feel full. In fact I felt hungry most of the night.
I am beginning to think it's sort of all or nothing for me right now. I had gotten scared about what my lack of nutrients might be doing to my body and I had a huge fear of shutting down my metabolism again. I changed my ways and started to make a point of eating reasonably. Eat that sandwich for breakfast, eat those snacks, and be sure to eat something for dinner. At first it was almost hard just to get up to 1k daily, then it got easier, then things just started to balloon out of control. I wanted to eat. I expected to eat making it harder to skip meals and restrict. During the work day yesterday I did have my usual PBJ and coffee for breakfast. Then, there was fudge in the office so I ate that and because I did I had no problem skipping my yogurt and dry cereal in the afternoon. Granted, my work snacks were healthy but at least I made sure not to eat those on top of the fudge. By the time I got to the holiday party I really hadn't eaten much all day. The hunger was there but I was ok with it and I still did a pretty good job of not over doing it at the party.
Once I get into that hunger mode and denying myself indulgences it's so much easier to just sort of stay in it. Trying to make sure I get little meals in just opens the door to screw up and seems to make my body want more. My mindset is that I expect to eat and I do because that's "the plan." That mindset makes it more difficult to embrace hunger and just skip eating here and there to keep those cal's low. Focusing on feeding myself even if it's not a lot just isn't working for me right now. The focus needs to be more on avoiding food as much as possible. I will still get food in of course but i'm hoping it's going to be much easier for me to get into restriction mode this way and bust through this weight plateau. We'll see.
The holiday party is tonight. I have no idea if it's buffet or plated or even what will be served. I just ate a sandwich and FF pringles that I kinda wish I hadn't. It's my only food for the day going into the holiday party which is good but I'd already gone this long so maybe I could have just had the pringles. Oh well. The pringles were 140 and the sandwich was 200 so 340 going into the party isn't too bad. The goal is pretty much the same as last night. If it's plated it's a no brainer. The portions at these things are usually reasonable. Just go easy on the bread basket. If it's a buffet then I just want to get little bits of what I want. We only get two drink tickets so I should be ok alcohol wise. I just want to keep that undercurrent of hunger going and be strong. Oh, and to have fun. I get to wear a formal dress tonight! It's fun getting dressed up like this for a big party and I haven't done this in a while...aside from my wedding. I waited to call too late and MAC was booked. I'm going to head over to the department store and see if anyone else has an opening to do my make up. If not I'll just have to do it myself. I did a bunch of cleaning already which is great. We are staying at the hotel over night so when I get home tomorrow the only house work will be finishing laundry and cleaning the blinds.
I am beginning to think it's sort of all or nothing for me right now. I had gotten scared about what my lack of nutrients might be doing to my body and I had a huge fear of shutting down my metabolism again. I changed my ways and started to make a point of eating reasonably. Eat that sandwich for breakfast, eat those snacks, and be sure to eat something for dinner. At first it was almost hard just to get up to 1k daily, then it got easier, then things just started to balloon out of control. I wanted to eat. I expected to eat making it harder to skip meals and restrict. During the work day yesterday I did have my usual PBJ and coffee for breakfast. Then, there was fudge in the office so I ate that and because I did I had no problem skipping my yogurt and dry cereal in the afternoon. Granted, my work snacks were healthy but at least I made sure not to eat those on top of the fudge. By the time I got to the holiday party I really hadn't eaten much all day. The hunger was there but I was ok with it and I still did a pretty good job of not over doing it at the party.
Once I get into that hunger mode and denying myself indulgences it's so much easier to just sort of stay in it. Trying to make sure I get little meals in just opens the door to screw up and seems to make my body want more. My mindset is that I expect to eat and I do because that's "the plan." That mindset makes it more difficult to embrace hunger and just skip eating here and there to keep those cal's low. Focusing on feeding myself even if it's not a lot just isn't working for me right now. The focus needs to be more on avoiding food as much as possible. I will still get food in of course but i'm hoping it's going to be much easier for me to get into restriction mode this way and bust through this weight plateau. We'll see.
The holiday party is tonight. I have no idea if it's buffet or plated or even what will be served. I just ate a sandwich and FF pringles that I kinda wish I hadn't. It's my only food for the day going into the holiday party which is good but I'd already gone this long so maybe I could have just had the pringles. Oh well. The pringles were 140 and the sandwich was 200 so 340 going into the party isn't too bad. The goal is pretty much the same as last night. If it's plated it's a no brainer. The portions at these things are usually reasonable. Just go easy on the bread basket. If it's a buffet then I just want to get little bits of what I want. We only get two drink tickets so I should be ok alcohol wise. I just want to keep that undercurrent of hunger going and be strong. Oh, and to have fun. I get to wear a formal dress tonight! It's fun getting dressed up like this for a big party and I haven't done this in a while...aside from my wedding. I waited to call too late and MAC was booked. I'm going to head over to the department store and see if anyone else has an opening to do my make up. If not I'll just have to do it myself. I did a bunch of cleaning already which is great. We are staying at the hotel over night so when I get home tomorrow the only house work will be finishing laundry and cleaning the blinds.
Friday, December 10, 2010
119.0: VS Models Are Aliens
After watching the VS fashion show I was so incredibly depressed and felt fatter then ever. Holy crap! Those women are simply, positively, absolutely beautiful. Tall. Thin. Perfect musculature. Legs for days and exquisite faces. They are truly angels from heaven....or aliens from outer space. Either way they are simply unreal. They even put someone like Jessica Alba to shame which is hard to do simply because of their amazing amazonian builds. At the beginning they each talked about how hot the other one is when really they are all smokin' HOT and they have to know it. I know they are wearing make up on their faces but their bodies are what they are. Flawless. And even without make up most of those girls are still pretty because they have amazing bone structure and/or beautiful eyes and/or hair. I felt like a tree stump having a bad hair day just watching them. I was envious as hell and sad that no matter what I do I will never EVER look like them. It's genetics. Either you got it or you don't. Carolina Korkova was born the goddess that she is with an hourglass figure, perfectly outlined slim pelvis and the longest leanest legs that don't touch from top to bottom. Adriana Lima is as adorable and sexy as they come. The "baby" Chanel Iman has to be one of the luckiest girls in the world. She models for Express too among many others. They walk with such confidence and grace. They truly are the most beautiful women in the world. When the camera panned out to men watching them on the runway they had a look of utter awe on their faces. The same look I was wearing although mine was mixed with disgust but that's only because I'm so bitter that I can't be them.
Imagine being such a symbol of perfection and beauty. They are not only beautiful but they are rich. Top high fashion models make loads of money. It's no wonder everyone wants to BE them. It's not just because they are thin but what being thin gets them. Their appearance is what gets them into the modeling world, which pays them lots of money which can but does not always lead to happiness that comes from having freedom in life and amazing opportunities. They get to experience a lot of things that most people never will and LIVE. No boring office cubicle for them. I'm sure they still have some insecurities. Every woman does and considering their profession that has to be heightened somewhat because as beautiful as they are there is always someone equally if not more beautiful standing next to them. But being a Victoria's Secret model validates them as beautiful. It's a stamp of approval in the beauty department that pretty much can't be denied.
I can sort of gloss over the magnitude of their looks just by looking in the VS catalog but those pics really don't do them justice. When I see them on TV it just sort of hits me in the face just how physically superior they are to most female human beings on the planet. Seeing them on TV probably doesn't really do them justice either and I can only imagine the horror of standing next to one of those ladies. When I put on my Victoria's Secret bra and panty this morning and looked in the mirror it was a HUGE let down to say the least. I simply do not look like the VS lovelies. Sometimes I feel downright ugly and blubbery but in reality I know I am at least considered pretty and would never be called fat. I've even done some 2 bit modeling. Even so, seeing those VS ladies on TV sent my fragile self confidence straight to hell. I got a little bummed out and hubby is so sweet to day "There are a lot of women out there that would LOVE to have your body." That was so nice of him to say and it did help but my little bummed out mode just had to run it's course.
I am not a VS model. I am not genetically blessed and the weight won't budge. I remember back to my days when I was getting my body out of the 140's, then out of the 130's, then out of the 120's. It really didn't happen over night. It was a slow process especially at the beginning. There were times when it was just 1 lb per week or two weeks. I remember never thinking I could ever ever in a million years break 120's then I did. Then I never imagined that it would be possible for my body to break into 100 teens and I did that. At each step more and more food got cut out. I had to maintain consistency and discipline. I never gave up. If I denied myself long enough the scale would eventually go down. It had to. Well, it appears those days are back. The ease of earlier this year and last year are apparently gone. And to be honest...it wasn't exactly easy. Plenty of hungry days and nights went into getting down to 114 while hubby was gone last year. I've just gotten spoiled and undisciplined. It seems I used to be able to slip up now and then but now my body is totally unforgiving. And the water retention is ridiculous. I am taking Yaz for gods sake-which is known to have a diuretic effect. I was so hopeful that it would help but I really hasn't noticed a change.
I complained about my lack of pooping to hubs last night. He asked me what I ate for the day so I told him. His reply is that I don't eat enough to poop. I beg to differ. I have my good days but I'm mostly a pig. If I eat too much more I'm convinced I'll get fat and all the pooping in the world won't make a difference.
Yesterday's Eats: [875]
Imagine being such a symbol of perfection and beauty. They are not only beautiful but they are rich. Top high fashion models make loads of money. It's no wonder everyone wants to BE them. It's not just because they are thin but what being thin gets them. Their appearance is what gets them into the modeling world, which pays them lots of money which can but does not always lead to happiness that comes from having freedom in life and amazing opportunities. They get to experience a lot of things that most people never will and LIVE. No boring office cubicle for them. I'm sure they still have some insecurities. Every woman does and considering their profession that has to be heightened somewhat because as beautiful as they are there is always someone equally if not more beautiful standing next to them. But being a Victoria's Secret model validates them as beautiful. It's a stamp of approval in the beauty department that pretty much can't be denied.
I can sort of gloss over the magnitude of their looks just by looking in the VS catalog but those pics really don't do them justice. When I see them on TV it just sort of hits me in the face just how physically superior they are to most female human beings on the planet. Seeing them on TV probably doesn't really do them justice either and I can only imagine the horror of standing next to one of those ladies. When I put on my Victoria's Secret bra and panty this morning and looked in the mirror it was a HUGE let down to say the least. I simply do not look like the VS lovelies. Sometimes I feel downright ugly and blubbery but in reality I know I am at least considered pretty and would never be called fat. I've even done some 2 bit modeling. Even so, seeing those VS ladies on TV sent my fragile self confidence straight to hell. I got a little bummed out and hubby is so sweet to day "There are a lot of women out there that would LOVE to have your body." That was so nice of him to say and it did help but my little bummed out mode just had to run it's course.
I am not a VS model. I am not genetically blessed and the weight won't budge. I remember back to my days when I was getting my body out of the 140's, then out of the 130's, then out of the 120's. It really didn't happen over night. It was a slow process especially at the beginning. There were times when it was just 1 lb per week or two weeks. I remember never thinking I could ever ever in a million years break 120's then I did. Then I never imagined that it would be possible for my body to break into 100 teens and I did that. At each step more and more food got cut out. I had to maintain consistency and discipline. I never gave up. If I denied myself long enough the scale would eventually go down. It had to. Well, it appears those days are back. The ease of earlier this year and last year are apparently gone. And to be honest...it wasn't exactly easy. Plenty of hungry days and nights went into getting down to 114 while hubby was gone last year. I've just gotten spoiled and undisciplined. It seems I used to be able to slip up now and then but now my body is totally unforgiving. And the water retention is ridiculous. I am taking Yaz for gods sake-which is known to have a diuretic effect. I was so hopeful that it would help but I really hasn't noticed a change.
I complained about my lack of pooping to hubs last night. He asked me what I ate for the day so I told him. His reply is that I don't eat enough to poop. I beg to differ. I have my good days but I'm mostly a pig. If I eat too much more I'm convinced I'll get fat and all the pooping in the world won't make a difference.
Yesterday's Eats: [875]
- PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Bean, Cheese Burrito w/veggies (375)
- Candy Canes, 3 (210)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
119.0: My Body is a Mess
I'm tired and feeling pretty bad about myself. I HATE looking at my fat thighs in the mirror. My boobs are huge and disgusting. My body is a complete mess. I'm stuck at a weight that I hate right now and it's starting to wear on me. I just want to jump out of my skin. What worked before isn't anymore and I'm going to have to face it and change something or else it won't get any better. I'll get there eventually. I'm just sort of floundering right now holding onto my old eating plan...hoping that things will turn around but kinda knowing it probably won't. Things have really gotten out of hand. The only positive thing I can say is that I went #2 yesterday finally.
I hate coming home and feeling obligated to eat dinner. Getting into heavy restriction mode is so much harder when I have hubby to shake things up. This is the first time I've been this fat and felt the need to restrict this much with him around and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. I used to keep no food in the house and was able to focus on restricting. When I got into a good pattern I could keep it without these at home dinners interrupting my rhythm and getting me off track. Eating at home was minimal so I was able to save any splurges for eating out. Day to day restriction was good and consistent so those splurges here and there didn't really hurt so much. If I overdid it I could eat corn for a week until the numbers went down. I didn't have to consider anyone else. Now I'm eating at home AND eating out. I can barely get and stay in restriction mode then I turn around and there is some party or we eat out or he or I makes dinner. I don't want to eat the bread he made. I want to tell him I only want broccoli. I want to get a weight scale and weigh my food. I want to eat out of a Rubbermaid 1/2 cup bowl so I can do a better job of visually controlling my portion and KNOW exactly how much I am getting since it's hard for me to eye ball it. I want to just skip dinner until the weight comes off. On the other hand I don't want to alarm hubby. He's kind of gotten used to my little quirks about eating and food and he's OK with that but he also knows that I can border on obsessive. If he sees it too much then he might start watching closer and I just don't want that kind of scrutiny. He knows about my past. Also, I feel guilty. If I just eat FF pringles for dinner what is he going to eat? He is perfectly capable of cooking and does it way better then me and does. I would rather not cook at all 'cause I don't really enjoy it but I want it to be something I do for him sometimes.
Work snacks and a light dinner no longer seems to be working. I am thinking I'll need to switch it up to liquids and things like yogurts and fruits only during the day. I started with the breakfast PBJ's over two years ago because I was hardly getting any nutritional value at all in any thing I ate day to day and it was starting to scare me. Now that I've gotten fat AND have someone at home that wants to eat dinner that probably needs to go. I felt like a total pig eating it today. I just have to figure out what approach I want to take that I can tolerate. Something that will work for me to get me back on track.
I think things just got too easy for me. I didn't HAVE to try as hard so I didn't but I have to remember that getting to even the point where I'm at now was not easy. It took a lot of discipline. Each day eating less then the next to capitalize on any weight loss. I got into the mindset that it was how it had to be like it or not and I did what I had to do. I controlled my urges. I accepted that I could not eat and I lost weight. Well, now my body is shifting back to that difficult mode. So far this year these ups on the scale had not been "real." Normally, I'd focus and loose it all within 10 days and be at a weight I felt comfortable. Well, that doesn't seem to be the case for me right now. The "high" has gotten higher and it seems to be sticking. My pants feel tight today. Well not tight but they fit. I'm used to my clothing feeling a bit loose. Granted these are freshly washed but it's just one more thing to play with my mind.
Looking at my food from the last two days if I just cut out the PBJ I'd be doing a lot better. Oh and of course the damn cookie and the popcorn courtesy of the "junk table" at work can go. These little splurges that I used to be able to get away with are probably not gonna cut it right now. I'm in transition right now. Hanging onto my old ways out of habit and hanging onto my thin body by a thread. I need to get my head in the game. Be consistent, restrict, feel the hunger, drop these pesky pounds and figure out how to do it all with hubby in the mix. I would say exercise but I'm exhausted just thinking about it so I'll just have to see how that goes. I'd much rather restrict my diet then exercise although I know ideally I should be doing both.
There is a housewarming party on Friday and hubby's company holiday party on Saturday. I'm so screwed! But only if I allow it.
Tuesday Eats: [1300]
I hate coming home and feeling obligated to eat dinner. Getting into heavy restriction mode is so much harder when I have hubby to shake things up. This is the first time I've been this fat and felt the need to restrict this much with him around and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. I used to keep no food in the house and was able to focus on restricting. When I got into a good pattern I could keep it without these at home dinners interrupting my rhythm and getting me off track. Eating at home was minimal so I was able to save any splurges for eating out. Day to day restriction was good and consistent so those splurges here and there didn't really hurt so much. If I overdid it I could eat corn for a week until the numbers went down. I didn't have to consider anyone else. Now I'm eating at home AND eating out. I can barely get and stay in restriction mode then I turn around and there is some party or we eat out or he or I makes dinner. I don't want to eat the bread he made. I want to tell him I only want broccoli. I want to get a weight scale and weigh my food. I want to eat out of a Rubbermaid 1/2 cup bowl so I can do a better job of visually controlling my portion and KNOW exactly how much I am getting since it's hard for me to eye ball it. I want to just skip dinner until the weight comes off. On the other hand I don't want to alarm hubby. He's kind of gotten used to my little quirks about eating and food and he's OK with that but he also knows that I can border on obsessive. If he sees it too much then he might start watching closer and I just don't want that kind of scrutiny. He knows about my past. Also, I feel guilty. If I just eat FF pringles for dinner what is he going to eat? He is perfectly capable of cooking and does it way better then me and does. I would rather not cook at all 'cause I don't really enjoy it but I want it to be something I do for him sometimes.
Work snacks and a light dinner no longer seems to be working. I am thinking I'll need to switch it up to liquids and things like yogurts and fruits only during the day. I started with the breakfast PBJ's over two years ago because I was hardly getting any nutritional value at all in any thing I ate day to day and it was starting to scare me. Now that I've gotten fat AND have someone at home that wants to eat dinner that probably needs to go. I felt like a total pig eating it today. I just have to figure out what approach I want to take that I can tolerate. Something that will work for me to get me back on track.
I think things just got too easy for me. I didn't HAVE to try as hard so I didn't but I have to remember that getting to even the point where I'm at now was not easy. It took a lot of discipline. Each day eating less then the next to capitalize on any weight loss. I got into the mindset that it was how it had to be like it or not and I did what I had to do. I controlled my urges. I accepted that I could not eat and I lost weight. Well, now my body is shifting back to that difficult mode. So far this year these ups on the scale had not been "real." Normally, I'd focus and loose it all within 10 days and be at a weight I felt comfortable. Well, that doesn't seem to be the case for me right now. The "high" has gotten higher and it seems to be sticking. My pants feel tight today. Well not tight but they fit. I'm used to my clothing feeling a bit loose. Granted these are freshly washed but it's just one more thing to play with my mind.
Looking at my food from the last two days if I just cut out the PBJ I'd be doing a lot better. Oh and of course the damn cookie and the popcorn courtesy of the "junk table" at work can go. These little splurges that I used to be able to get away with are probably not gonna cut it right now. I'm in transition right now. Hanging onto my old ways out of habit and hanging onto my thin body by a thread. I need to get my head in the game. Be consistent, restrict, feel the hunger, drop these pesky pounds and figure out how to do it all with hubby in the mix. I would say exercise but I'm exhausted just thinking about it so I'll just have to see how that goes. I'd much rather restrict my diet then exercise although I know ideally I should be doing both.
There is a housewarming party on Friday and hubby's company holiday party on Saturday. I'm so screwed! But only if I allow it.
Tuesday Eats: [1300]
- PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Dry Cereal (90), Yogurt (90)
- Cookie (150), Popcorn (180)
- Salad w/egg, turkey, veggies (300), bread (200)
- PBJ (240), Coffee (50), Cookie (150)
- Dry Cereal (90), Yogurt (90)
- Popcorn (180)
- Baked Potato w/Marinara Sauce (300), Dinner Roll (65)
Monday, December 6, 2010
119.0: Carb Junky
Sometimes I forget that there are people out there who actually read this blog. It really can't be too many. I wanted to respond to a few comments that I've gotten over the last week or so. Some more recent then others.
Anonymous-I appreciate the honest feedback about my carb intake. I do eat a lot of 'em. I keep my cals within a certain limit but a lot of those cals are carbs. I do eat sandwiches, candy, pasta and bread but generally keep the serving sizes reasonable. I've always known they are bad but thus far have managed to maintain an acceptable weight without totally giving them up. I limit my cals so I lwant what I want...makes me feel less deprived. But I have to realize I'm not a natural skinnie minnie. It takes work. My only issue with the argument that my carb intake is what is hurting my weight loss is that quite often I change nothing and all of a sudden the numbers start to go down. That's what is so confusing. A month and a half ago doing exactly the same thing I am now I was down in the 115's. Why then and not now? It certainly wouldn't hurt to test out the carb theory though. When I get desperate enough and angry enough about my weight maybe I will. Regarding incorrect calorie counts on packaging, I hadn't heard about that but what choice do I have but to use them as a guide? It really sucks if foods are actually higher then indicated and I'm eating more then I think I am. I can't just make it up so wrong or not I and everyone else in the world is stuck with the counts written on the packaging and that's all I can use to tally it up.
A Quiet Battle-Yes, my hubby is a really good man. He gets on my last nerve sometimes with his messy ways but other then that he is just perfect for me and I feel so lucky to have him.
Elara-Thanks for the fiber tip of sugar free lemonade powder by Metamucil. I have Metamucil fiber pills and they didn't seem to work for me or maybe I didn't give it a chance. You had to take like 5 at a time. I seriously need to come up with something that works for me and soon.
K-What job do you do? I work in an office at a college. Before the promotion I was a "clerical assistant" which is basically an office assistant. I used to organize food and reserve rooms for meetings. Clean up after meetings and order supplies. I'd make copies, or do whatever else the person I reported to needed. "Work on this, make 10 copies of that." I used to cringe inside every time I was asked to do something because I hated being a gopher and I hated being on the lowest pay rung in the office. I went to college for this? She is nice but I hated being in this position where I was the one who had to do things because she told me so. The person I reported to was my exact age. She is just like me. Only she has two kids...a Master's degree, a huge house in the rich part of town and an actual career. I felt like such a loser having that clerical assistant title. I used to be embarrassed to say what I did for work and ashamed that I made so little money. I never let my work come up in any conversation because I didn't want to try to come up with a way to say what I do vaguely without feeling like a total looser. Always said with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart. I just did not feel good about it. I now review curriculum. Of course I still report to someone but it feels like more of a team effort rather then someone being "superior" to me ina job that exists only in order to serve someone else. Having a more focused job where I am no one's assistant and the pay raise that went along with it is a huge boost to my confidence. My hubby said, "Now you finally have a real job." I was like thanks a lot. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings. He apologized and I kinda did agree but jeez!!
Kelly-It's awesome that you have a career goal in mind and your comment totally makes sense. If you hate your job you have to find something else. If you like your job even if it isn't any type of special career then it's a lot easier to find some sort of contentment with where you are at and just BE. When I've hated my jobs is when I was racking my brain trying to figure out what else I could do. Being that I had no desire to go back to school and no ambition it was a really tough place to be. Right now my job is nothing special but I like it. I still make way less then what I did in the hated job when I left 3 years ago but over the last 3 years my pay has increased with yearly raises and the promotion will help. It was so tough at first but now I'm able to make it work. The benefits and holiday time are such that I can't see myself going anywhere else and if I did there is no way I'd ever get my salary matched.
------------------------------------------------------------
I came home in a rotten mood. I had to do an errand so I didn't get home until 6:30pm and I get so moody when I feel like my precious time has been stolen away. I came home and when hubby asked what I wanted for dinner I said, "nothing." I like to just let him eat all the left overs. He's the one who can actually afford to eat normally. This means he has food so I don't feel guilty about not cooking or feel bad that he has nothing to eat. It also means that I don't really have to participate in dinner.
Today's Eats: [950]
Anonymous-I appreciate the honest feedback about my carb intake. I do eat a lot of 'em. I keep my cals within a certain limit but a lot of those cals are carbs. I do eat sandwiches, candy, pasta and bread but generally keep the serving sizes reasonable. I've always known they are bad but thus far have managed to maintain an acceptable weight without totally giving them up. I limit my cals so I lwant what I want...makes me feel less deprived. But I have to realize I'm not a natural skinnie minnie. It takes work. My only issue with the argument that my carb intake is what is hurting my weight loss is that quite often I change nothing and all of a sudden the numbers start to go down. That's what is so confusing. A month and a half ago doing exactly the same thing I am now I was down in the 115's. Why then and not now? It certainly wouldn't hurt to test out the carb theory though. When I get desperate enough and angry enough about my weight maybe I will. Regarding incorrect calorie counts on packaging, I hadn't heard about that but what choice do I have but to use them as a guide? It really sucks if foods are actually higher then indicated and I'm eating more then I think I am. I can't just make it up so wrong or not I and everyone else in the world is stuck with the counts written on the packaging and that's all I can use to tally it up.
A Quiet Battle-Yes, my hubby is a really good man. He gets on my last nerve sometimes with his messy ways but other then that he is just perfect for me and I feel so lucky to have him.
Elara-Thanks for the fiber tip of sugar free lemonade powder by Metamucil. I have Metamucil fiber pills and they didn't seem to work for me or maybe I didn't give it a chance. You had to take like 5 at a time. I seriously need to come up with something that works for me and soon.
K-What job do you do? I work in an office at a college. Before the promotion I was a "clerical assistant" which is basically an office assistant. I used to organize food and reserve rooms for meetings. Clean up after meetings and order supplies. I'd make copies, or do whatever else the person I reported to needed. "Work on this, make 10 copies of that." I used to cringe inside every time I was asked to do something because I hated being a gopher and I hated being on the lowest pay rung in the office. I went to college for this? She is nice but I hated being in this position where I was the one who had to do things because she told me so. The person I reported to was my exact age. She is just like me. Only she has two kids...a Master's degree, a huge house in the rich part of town and an actual career. I felt like such a loser having that clerical assistant title. I used to be embarrassed to say what I did for work and ashamed that I made so little money. I never let my work come up in any conversation because I didn't want to try to come up with a way to say what I do vaguely without feeling like a total looser. Always said with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart. I just did not feel good about it. I now review curriculum. Of course I still report to someone but it feels like more of a team effort rather then someone being "superior" to me ina job that exists only in order to serve someone else. Having a more focused job where I am no one's assistant and the pay raise that went along with it is a huge boost to my confidence. My hubby said, "Now you finally have a real job." I was like thanks a lot. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings. He apologized and I kinda did agree but jeez!!
Kelly-It's awesome that you have a career goal in mind and your comment totally makes sense. If you hate your job you have to find something else. If you like your job even if it isn't any type of special career then it's a lot easier to find some sort of contentment with where you are at and just BE. When I've hated my jobs is when I was racking my brain trying to figure out what else I could do. Being that I had no desire to go back to school and no ambition it was a really tough place to be. Right now my job is nothing special but I like it. I still make way less then what I did in the hated job when I left 3 years ago but over the last 3 years my pay has increased with yearly raises and the promotion will help. It was so tough at first but now I'm able to make it work. The benefits and holiday time are such that I can't see myself going anywhere else and if I did there is no way I'd ever get my salary matched.
------------------------------------------------------------
I came home in a rotten mood. I had to do an errand so I didn't get home until 6:30pm and I get so moody when I feel like my precious time has been stolen away. I came home and when hubby asked what I wanted for dinner I said, "nothing." I like to just let him eat all the left overs. He's the one who can actually afford to eat normally. This means he has food so I don't feel guilty about not cooking or feel bad that he has nothing to eat. It also means that I don't really have to participate in dinner.
Today's Eats: [950]
- Breakfast: PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Lunch: Fiber Cereal-dry (90), Yoplait (100)
- Snack: RF Wheat Thins (130)
- Dinner: FF Pringles (140), String Cheese (80), Apple (50)
- Snack: Candy Cane (70)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
119.0: Calorie Calculator B.S.
Those calorie needs guides are B.S. if you asked me. What a joke. If I ate the amount of calories they say I can I'd be obese. I am eating less then what will supposedly cause me to loose and I still gain. I am totally and completely hopeless. Either I am retaining water like there is no tomorrow or my metabolism is totally screwed.
Female Calorie Calculator
Current Weight: 119
Desired Weight: 115
Height: 5'7"
You need 1867.8 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.
You need 1850.7 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.
If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1367.8 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.
If you increase your current caloric intake to 2367.8 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.
I freakin' wish I could eat all those calories and maintain. Whatever. I went out and bought some high fiber cereal. It'll be one of my daily snacks in 1/2 cup servings. Still haven't pooped and can't remember when the last time was. I spent most of today on the couch. Later on we decorated the tree. It looks so pretty. Hubby made another awesome dinner. I'm certain I didn't loose a single pound. I'm just hoping not to gain at this point. I was in the 115's before my honeymoon in October. I knew that vacation eating would ruin that. I got down to the 117's since being back but now it's just all gone to hell. Sigh.
Yesterdays' Eats: [830]
Female Calorie Calculator
Current Weight: 119
Desired Weight: 115
Height: 5'7"
You need 1867.8 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.
You need 1850.7 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.
If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1367.8 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.
If you increase your current caloric intake to 2367.8 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.
I freakin' wish I could eat all those calories and maintain. Whatever. I went out and bought some high fiber cereal. It'll be one of my daily snacks in 1/2 cup servings. Still haven't pooped and can't remember when the last time was. I spent most of today on the couch. Later on we decorated the tree. It looks so pretty. Hubby made another awesome dinner. I'm certain I didn't loose a single pound. I'm just hoping not to gain at this point. I was in the 115's before my honeymoon in October. I knew that vacation eating would ruin that. I got down to the 117's since being back but now it's just all gone to hell. Sigh.
Yesterdays' Eats: [830]
- Breakfast: Spinach, Cheese, Bacon Omelet-Egg Whites (400), Coffee (80)
- Snack: Popcorn (150), red vines (200)
Today's Eats: [1028]
- Breakfast: Cinnamon Biscuits (450)
- Snack: Candy (100), Fiber Cereal (90)
- Dinner: Spaghetti (288), Bread (100)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
119.0: Impossible
Loosing weight right now feels totally impossible. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. My body is holding onto EVERYTHING and releasing almost NOTHING. My bowel movements are few and far between and I feel like a fat pig. I really am starting to hate, hate, hate looking at my body in the mirror without clothes on. Nothing I do is ever enough and I am convinced that starving won't work. So what do I do? As for fiber I've decided instead of eating cereal I am going to snack on it. I'll get some Fiber one cereal which tastes good plain and then eat the serving size dry. This way I can avoid binge eating on cereal. I can probably do the bran flakes or some nasty Kashi Go Lean in yogurt. I've let this problem go on for too long. I'm tired of only being able to poop every 3-4 days or longer. It's certainly not helping my weight loss. Other then that I'm not so sure what I'll do. Guess I'll just continue with trying to do better at restricting. Exercise....we'll see what happens there.
Last night we went to this December nights at the park thing. I was starving by the time we got there. We did a lot of walking because we took the trolley. It was pretty fun. They had international foods, booths, fair foods. Kind of like a carnival but at night and in December. I went and got chicken and rice bowls for us to eat while we watched this little dance performance. The ballet performance was pretty cool. It was Nutcracker excerpts. It's a youth ballet school so it was non professional. Some of the girls weren't really that good but that just goes to show you how difficult ballet is and how easy the pros make it look. Those kids probably practice hours and hours and what they are doing is still really good but it just takes so much to be at that higher level. I also had some hot chocolate which I have not had in years!! I had some of hubby's funnel cake which I have never had before. Turns out those things are delicious. I kept running it over and over in my head what I ate and if I felt too full and if I overdid it or not. Apparently I did. I gained a whole pound over night. I'm right back to where I started before and it feels terrible.
I'm so watchful. If I see a thin woman I stare longingly and jealously and compare myself to her. I look to see who is fatter or thinner then me. Even watching some of those kids dance I looked to see who was "skinny" and who was "thick." Size is constantly on my mind. Not only am I obsessed with my size I'm obsessed with everyone else's too.
This morning hubby and I went to a late breakfast before heading out and doing errands. We got our very first tree together and my very first one in my own home in over 10 years! It's really pretty. I'm not sure if we bought enough decorations but we'll see. I stepped on the scale about 20 minutes ago and an angry ugly 120 glared back at me. All I had is a freaking egg white omelet and that was about eight hours ago! Give me a break. Apparently I'm not getting one. Hubby is going to get a sandwich but I can't eat anything else. Other then being fat I had a great day with hubby. Running errands is so much easier and fun when we do them together. He got stuck spending the whole day with me. His morning sports plan and evening poker game fell through. I love being with him.
Yesterday's Eat's: [1330]
Last night we went to this December nights at the park thing. I was starving by the time we got there. We did a lot of walking because we took the trolley. It was pretty fun. They had international foods, booths, fair foods. Kind of like a carnival but at night and in December. I went and got chicken and rice bowls for us to eat while we watched this little dance performance. The ballet performance was pretty cool. It was Nutcracker excerpts. It's a youth ballet school so it was non professional. Some of the girls weren't really that good but that just goes to show you how difficult ballet is and how easy the pros make it look. Those kids probably practice hours and hours and what they are doing is still really good but it just takes so much to be at that higher level. I also had some hot chocolate which I have not had in years!! I had some of hubby's funnel cake which I have never had before. Turns out those things are delicious. I kept running it over and over in my head what I ate and if I felt too full and if I overdid it or not. Apparently I did. I gained a whole pound over night. I'm right back to where I started before and it feels terrible.
I'm so watchful. If I see a thin woman I stare longingly and jealously and compare myself to her. I look to see who is fatter or thinner then me. Even watching some of those kids dance I looked to see who was "skinny" and who was "thick." Size is constantly on my mind. Not only am I obsessed with my size I'm obsessed with everyone else's too.
This morning hubby and I went to a late breakfast before heading out and doing errands. We got our very first tree together and my very first one in my own home in over 10 years! It's really pretty. I'm not sure if we bought enough decorations but we'll see. I stepped on the scale about 20 minutes ago and an angry ugly 120 glared back at me. All I had is a freaking egg white omelet and that was about eight hours ago! Give me a break. Apparently I'm not getting one. Hubby is going to get a sandwich but I can't eat anything else. Other then being fat I had a great day with hubby. Running errands is so much easier and fun when we do them together. He got stuck spending the whole day with me. His morning sports plan and evening poker game fell through. I love being with him.
Yesterday's Eat's: [1330]
- Breakfast: PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
- Lunch: Pretzels (110), Yogurt (100)
- Dinner: Chix n Rice Bowl (480), Hot Choco (200), Funnel Cake (150)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)