119.0: Impossible

Loosing weight right now feels totally impossible.  I'm feeling pretty hopeless.  My body is holding onto EVERYTHING and releasing almost NOTHING.  My bowel movements are few and far between and I feel like a fat pig.  I really am starting to hate, hate, hate looking at my body in the mirror without clothes on.  Nothing I do is ever enough and I am convinced that starving won't work.  So what do I do?  As for fiber I've decided instead of eating cereal I am going to snack on it.  I'll get some Fiber one cereal which tastes good plain and then eat the serving size dry.  This way I can avoid binge eating on cereal.  I can probably do the bran flakes or some nasty Kashi Go Lean in yogurt.  I've let this problem go on for too long.  I'm tired of only being able to poop every 3-4 days or longer.  It's certainly not helping my weight loss.  Other then that I'm not so sure what I'll do.  Guess I'll just continue with trying to do better at restricting.  Exercise....we'll see what happens there.

Last night we went to this December nights at the park thing.  I was starving by the time we got there.  We did a lot of walking because we took the trolley.  It was pretty fun.  They had international foods, booths, fair foods.  Kind of like a carnival but at night and in December.  I went and got chicken and rice bowls for us to eat while we watched this little dance performance.  The ballet performance was pretty cool.  It was Nutcracker excerpts.  It's a youth ballet school so it was non professional.  Some of the girls weren't really that good but that just goes to show you how difficult ballet is and how easy the pros make it look.  Those kids probably practice hours and hours and what they are doing is still really good but it just takes so much to be at that higher level.    I also had some hot chocolate which I have not had in years!!  I had some of hubby's funnel cake which I have never had before.  Turns out those things are delicious.  I kept running it over and over in my head what I ate and if I felt too full and if I overdid it or not.  Apparently I did.  I gained a whole pound over night.  I'm right back to where I started before and it feels terrible.

I'm so watchful.  If I see a thin woman I stare longingly and jealously and compare myself to her.  I look to see who is fatter or thinner then me.  Even watching some of those kids dance I looked to see who was "skinny" and who was "thick."  Size is constantly on my mind.  Not only am I obsessed with my size I'm obsessed with everyone else's too. 

This morning hubby and I went to a late breakfast before heading out and doing errands.  We got our very first tree together and my very first one in my own home in over 10 years!  It's really pretty.  I'm not sure if we bought enough decorations but we'll see.  I stepped on the scale about 20 minutes ago and an angry ugly 120 glared back at me.  All I had is a freaking egg white omelet and that was about eight hours ago!  Give me a break.  Apparently I'm not getting one.  Hubby is going to get a sandwich but I can't eat anything else.  Other then being fat I had a great day with hubby.  Running errands is so much easier and fun when we do them together.  He got stuck spending the whole day with me.  His morning sports plan and evening poker game fell through.  I love being with him.


Yesterday's Eat's: [1330]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  Pretzels (110), Yogurt (100)
• Dinner:  Chix n Rice Bowl (480), Hot Choco (200), Funnel Cake (150)