I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday. We had plans to go to the zoo. The weather was a perfect 75 degrees. Not too hot but maybe just a tad chilly. Not warm enough that I wanted to wear shorts but too warm for jeans. I didn't want to wear a skirt or a dress for the zoo. It was the kind of day that cropped pants would have been perfect for except one problem. Most of the ones I have are too tight. Ugh!!! I felt horrible. I tried on a pair of green denim ones that I love and they fit (even if snugly) which made me feel huge. The cropped chinos from Old Navy don't have that lose casual fit that I like which makes me feel huge. Just for the hell of it I tried on my Joe's Jeans boot cut jeans and I could barely zip them up which made me feel huge. I have a few colored skinny jeans that fit well since I bought them towards the tail end when I was already gaining but wearing them makes me feel huge. I have one pair of denim crops that fit me tighter then they used to (which makes me feel huge). Other then that I have no blue denim jeans that fit. Most of the crops and all of my denim jeans including all of my designer jeans are tight. I ended up wearing a casual dress with leggings underneath to the zoo.
This tells me that at some point I am going to need to buy some new pants. Unless it's skirts or leggings I feel huge and I can't always wear skirts and stretchy leggings. I've been holding off but it made me feel awful needing to wear certain clothes and not having any that fit. We have a trip to NYC coming up in September and we are going to a NFL game. I'm not going to wear a skirt. I miss having blue jeans to throw on. I need some that fit. I probably won't be buying anything designer. That ship sailed when I blew up. How sad. Trying on jeans is just really awful in this body (my body!!) so I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Having mom in law, cousin in law and two kiddo's in the house was really stressing me out at first but I'm doing better with it now. His cousin is really, really nice and I have a lot more in common with her then I initially thought when I met her the first time. His mom is such a talker. My mom and I could barely get two words in on Mother's day when the three of us were chatting together because she makes everything about her. If we said anything about us the conversation sort of dwindled out because she wouldn't say much until it was focused back on her. She goes on and on about her wonderful son (my husband) whom she is obsessed with. She likes to talk about people. The funny thing is she complained about a friend of ours she met talking too much!! Now if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black. The talking is a little much at times but I really like her. They are keeping watchful eyes on the kids making sure they wash hands and aren't getting into things and stuff like that. There was some baby drooling milk on the couch which left a spot but I haven't seen another one since. I had a moment at the zoo on Saturday where I felt totally annoyed because both kids were wailing at the same time and I knew we couldn't cover nearly as much ground with them in tow. It passed. They are annoying but they do have their sweet moments. That's how kids are and at least I get to send them home!! Having guests means there is no time to vegetate. There are always people around and you have to be engaged. I do steal away to my room and close the door here and there but mostly I hang out with them because I do like them and I would never want to come off as rude in any way. I do kind of miss my quiet nights with hubby but it's fun having them around and it's only temporary.
My vag still didn't quite clear up after the antibiotics which is really depressing. My husband is getting restless. I'm sure I can hold him off until our guests leave but after that we both would like to get busy so I'm doing what I can. I started in on 6 days of tea tree oil suppositories which really seemed to be making a big impact after night #2 but now I'm not so sure after night #3. I've heard of cranberry juice and cranberry pills for BV (Kitty thanks for the tip). It's on my list of possible vitamins to buy along with Garlic pills. I'm already taking 4 different vitamins a day in addition to my probiotics. I also got this gel from the UK. $35 bucks!! I've easily spent over $150 bucks on my vagina in the last month.
Kitty, my husband loves my body. He is constantly telling me how hot I am. He thinks my arms look stronger and my butt looks like it's actually there rather then non existent. Every time I take my clothes off he's telling me how hot I am. I WISH I loved it half as much as he did.
Showing posts with label 128. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 128. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
Life Update
Well, hello there. It's been a while. How about an update.
Home and Work
The husband is back. He came home last week. The first day is always a little strange as we re connect. There is this big build up and after all this missing him, waiting and wishing him home he finally is. There is this weird gap between expectation and reality for a few days. The few days after he gets back is usually much better because there is always this weird transition period of getting used to having him around again. I'm glad he's back. I was ordering things online like crazy and it was easy because he wasn't around to judge and that needs to stop.
Work has slowed down significantly. The busy time is over thank god and we are staring summer in the face. I have two vacation days off next week Thursday and Friday. We are all just tired so even though I like to hang onto vacation days for dear life I'm kinda glad I'll be taking them. It might be really mean to say this but it's been nice not having E at work. She comes back from maternity in two weeks. She definitely is a hard worker so it's nice having extra hands but when she's here I mentally check out on a lot of things because hers is the only opinion that matters. When decisions need to be made that could go either way it's always going to be what she thinks is best and she is really quick to state her opinion. She's always so worried about what doesn't make sense and breaking the rules to the point where she over thinks everything to death and sometimes I don't even know what she is talking about. She's on an e mail in 2 minutes saying what she thinks so there is no point for me to chime in. I also don't want to because 9/10 I'm going to be "wrong." I'm constantly second guessing myself and having to ask her what to do since I already know I have no say in the matter. M feels the same way. We've chatted about it. We've both stepped up at work since she's been gone and it's been nice to feel like valuable members. That will probably end when she comes back. She's technically my supervisor. Of what? Like 2 people. It's weird how they do it at work. She's only like 2 years younger then me so it's kind of annoying but oh well.
In-Law family comes into town tonight. There will be two 3 year old boys (oh my!!) and two ladies staying with us for about 10 days. The introvert in me is screaming inside. How will get my "me" time? When will I have a moment to decompress? The control freak is worrying about what havoc will those little boys wreak on my house. I am not taking any extra days off except Thursday and Friday next week when we will be staying by the beach so I have a feeling I will be exhausted. What else is new though? I am still constantly exhausted anyways. I get to work tired. I've been taking a crap load of vitamins. You'd think they'd help.
I'm still trying to finish my novel. I didn't work on it nearly as much as I should have while hubby was gone. I am very unproductive with my time. I'm very close to the end and I should have some time to work on it at work which is ideal. Being tired all the time makes it difficult but I am OVER it. I just want to be able to say I'm done.
Health
I had a cyst removed from my lower lip caused by a blocked salivary gland about 2 weeks ago. They dug out the gland, removed the cyst and left me with 4 stitches. My lower lip was super swollen and the numbness is just now starting to go away. It was pretty miserable. One stitch was poking the hell out of me and my teeth kept catching on it when I talked or chewed. It felt better when the stitches started dissolving after 7 days but there seems to be some stitches remaining that are hurting me again. I have to be careful drinking, brushing my teeth, kissing my husband...anything that involves my mouth.
I haven't had sex with my husband since November. Let's recap. He came home in August 2013 and I was battling yeast infection that started around June/July but I didn't make it into the doctor until July. I got an Rx and it helped but it never felt quite 100% because the minute that we had sex I'd start having symptoms again. In September I e mailed my doctor and got more meds. Didn't work. I'd see some improvement but as soon as we had sex symptoms returned. In November I went back to the doctor and she confirmed it was Yeast. I tried the same Rx for six weeks this time and swore off sex because I couldn't deal with it anymore approaching our vacation and surgery. I just wanted it to go away and stay away. We didn't have sex on our Maui vacation in December and the medication didn't help at all. I bought some hydro cortisone cream in January because I figured the creams or the pill wouldn't work and I just needed some relief. The symptoms seemed to go away. I had surgery in late January and got cleared for sex the 7 weeks later which was the day before he left for Germany. I'm back to the doctor in April with more symptoms just a week before he comes back. I got the same old diflucan one day pill from my primary doctor which I knew wouldn't work. Third time was not a charm. I started treating myself with boric acid until I could get back to the gynecologist. This time the yeast is gone but I have BV. I'm on my last day of antibiotics for that. I'm feeling much better but still not 100% and I'm scared to have sex because I don't want to upset my vagina which apparently hates me. The doctors can't seem to help me so I've been doing tons of research. In addition to the antibiotics I've been loading up on certain vitamins, taking a probiotic orally and inserting it into my vagina. I'm keeping up with the boric acid nightly. I know it sounds awful but apparently it's safe as long as it's not ingested orally and when you are desperate to have a normal vagina you will try almost anything. I ordered everything on the internet and made them myself like a mad scientist. My poor sex deprived husband. And poor me. This has been awful and I just want my normal vagina back. I got so depressed before he came home that I was thinking that he'd better just divorce me since we'd never be able to have a normal sex life. This is a chronic problem for some people and it's looking like I am one of them. I have 4 more treatment ideas that I haven't tried out yet. I'm doing everything I can to restore my normal PH and flora. If it doesn't get better I don't know what to do. I don't want to have sex too soon but I also don't want to keep my husband waiting forever. It's been long enough. It makes me appreciate sex more then I ever have now that I haven't been able to have it.
Food and Weight
I'm still fat. Kitty asked me what was the plan on my last post. The only plan was to cut back on my protein because I was getting way too much for my weight and exercise levels. I was constipated and it was just too odd that the number was nudging up so I figured I'd need to readjust that. I met with a nutritionist and she said it would be okay but it's not. I've been sticking with 25/60/15 (Fat/Carb/Protein). Cutting the protein has allowed me to see some lower numbers but they are still higher then I want. Eating healthy is already a lifestyle for me and as such I pretty much eat whatever I wanna eat-in moderation and mainly sticking with healthier options. I have a reasonable calorie budget now so it's usually in budget and macro nutrient goals. I don't over eat. I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full. I kinda over did it on some pasta I ordered and I literally shot up 2 lbs overnight and I overdid it on some pizza months ago but those are the only 2 times I can think of that I feel like I ate too much this year. Both times it wasn't even that I couldn't stop. I think I was just sort of testing the waters. I don't know.
Sometimes I'll be under my calories and not really hungry but I'll eat more just to make it to 1,200 minimum. My calorie budget is set at 1,600 but I rarely meet that. I don't crave sweets or candy anymore. Not that I never eat them but I don't crave them. We went to a Farmers Market last weekend and I could only marvel at how different it was then the last time we went. I didn't want a single sample because I had eaten and I wasn't hungry. I remember the last time we went there I was starving, attacked every sample like a vulture and even after we ate and I was reasonably filled up I wanted more. My mind and body were used to being hungry so even if I actually wasn't I didn't know the difference. I still weigh foods, count out serving sizes and track calories every day. I am still wearing skirts because it makes me feel less large and because I am bigger so my designer jeans don't fit which is really sad. At some point I'll need to buy more. I moved most of them to the other closet. I'm pretty sure buying some that fit would make me feel better but on the other hand it might make me feel worse that I had to take that step because I'm bigger. I still feel gigantic but I'm so terrified of being in the boat I was in before that it really scared me straight I guess. Even though I feel like a cow I'm terrified of screwing up my metabolism and being starving, eating nothing and still gaining weight. That was the worst most out of control feeling ever. It was devastating and although I want to be skinny again I'm not ready to make a push to cut calories right now.
I'm exercising again but I'm not being a fanatic about it at all. My first Yoga work out had me super sore which told me I was out of shape since Yoga never makes me sore. I'm not as strong as I was but I'm getting back there. I've only done yoga and am planning to do 30 Day Shred level 1 at some point but there is no rush. I still have my abs and I can still do my splits. I'm over obsessing about exercise when it hardly ever did a thing for me before.
I finally got around to watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show last week even though it came on in December. I just couldn't bring myself to watch those beautiful, rich, skinny girls in their underwear on TV when I was feeling so badly about my body. The VS models are getting skinner every year. I long to be skinny too but I'm just trying to deal with the body I have as best I can right now.
Home and Work
The husband is back. He came home last week. The first day is always a little strange as we re connect. There is this big build up and after all this missing him, waiting and wishing him home he finally is. There is this weird gap between expectation and reality for a few days. The few days after he gets back is usually much better because there is always this weird transition period of getting used to having him around again. I'm glad he's back. I was ordering things online like crazy and it was easy because he wasn't around to judge and that needs to stop.
Work has slowed down significantly. The busy time is over thank god and we are staring summer in the face. I have two vacation days off next week Thursday and Friday. We are all just tired so even though I like to hang onto vacation days for dear life I'm kinda glad I'll be taking them. It might be really mean to say this but it's been nice not having E at work. She comes back from maternity in two weeks. She definitely is a hard worker so it's nice having extra hands but when she's here I mentally check out on a lot of things because hers is the only opinion that matters. When decisions need to be made that could go either way it's always going to be what she thinks is best and she is really quick to state her opinion. She's always so worried about what doesn't make sense and breaking the rules to the point where she over thinks everything to death and sometimes I don't even know what she is talking about. She's on an e mail in 2 minutes saying what she thinks so there is no point for me to chime in. I also don't want to because 9/10 I'm going to be "wrong." I'm constantly second guessing myself and having to ask her what to do since I already know I have no say in the matter. M feels the same way. We've chatted about it. We've both stepped up at work since she's been gone and it's been nice to feel like valuable members. That will probably end when she comes back. She's technically my supervisor. Of what? Like 2 people. It's weird how they do it at work. She's only like 2 years younger then me so it's kind of annoying but oh well.
In-Law family comes into town tonight. There will be two 3 year old boys (oh my!!) and two ladies staying with us for about 10 days. The introvert in me is screaming inside. How will get my "me" time? When will I have a moment to decompress? The control freak is worrying about what havoc will those little boys wreak on my house. I am not taking any extra days off except Thursday and Friday next week when we will be staying by the beach so I have a feeling I will be exhausted. What else is new though? I am still constantly exhausted anyways. I get to work tired. I've been taking a crap load of vitamins. You'd think they'd help.
I'm still trying to finish my novel. I didn't work on it nearly as much as I should have while hubby was gone. I am very unproductive with my time. I'm very close to the end and I should have some time to work on it at work which is ideal. Being tired all the time makes it difficult but I am OVER it. I just want to be able to say I'm done.
Health
I had a cyst removed from my lower lip caused by a blocked salivary gland about 2 weeks ago. They dug out the gland, removed the cyst and left me with 4 stitches. My lower lip was super swollen and the numbness is just now starting to go away. It was pretty miserable. One stitch was poking the hell out of me and my teeth kept catching on it when I talked or chewed. It felt better when the stitches started dissolving after 7 days but there seems to be some stitches remaining that are hurting me again. I have to be careful drinking, brushing my teeth, kissing my husband...anything that involves my mouth.
I haven't had sex with my husband since November. Let's recap. He came home in August 2013 and I was battling yeast infection that started around June/July but I didn't make it into the doctor until July. I got an Rx and it helped but it never felt quite 100% because the minute that we had sex I'd start having symptoms again. In September I e mailed my doctor and got more meds. Didn't work. I'd see some improvement but as soon as we had sex symptoms returned. In November I went back to the doctor and she confirmed it was Yeast. I tried the same Rx for six weeks this time and swore off sex because I couldn't deal with it anymore approaching our vacation and surgery. I just wanted it to go away and stay away. We didn't have sex on our Maui vacation in December and the medication didn't help at all. I bought some hydro cortisone cream in January because I figured the creams or the pill wouldn't work and I just needed some relief. The symptoms seemed to go away. I had surgery in late January and got cleared for sex the 7 weeks later which was the day before he left for Germany. I'm back to the doctor in April with more symptoms just a week before he comes back. I got the same old diflucan one day pill from my primary doctor which I knew wouldn't work. Third time was not a charm. I started treating myself with boric acid until I could get back to the gynecologist. This time the yeast is gone but I have BV. I'm on my last day of antibiotics for that. I'm feeling much better but still not 100% and I'm scared to have sex because I don't want to upset my vagina which apparently hates me. The doctors can't seem to help me so I've been doing tons of research. In addition to the antibiotics I've been loading up on certain vitamins, taking a probiotic orally and inserting it into my vagina. I'm keeping up with the boric acid nightly. I know it sounds awful but apparently it's safe as long as it's not ingested orally and when you are desperate to have a normal vagina you will try almost anything. I ordered everything on the internet and made them myself like a mad scientist. My poor sex deprived husband. And poor me. This has been awful and I just want my normal vagina back. I got so depressed before he came home that I was thinking that he'd better just divorce me since we'd never be able to have a normal sex life. This is a chronic problem for some people and it's looking like I am one of them. I have 4 more treatment ideas that I haven't tried out yet. I'm doing everything I can to restore my normal PH and flora. If it doesn't get better I don't know what to do. I don't want to have sex too soon but I also don't want to keep my husband waiting forever. It's been long enough. It makes me appreciate sex more then I ever have now that I haven't been able to have it.
Food and Weight
I'm still fat. Kitty asked me what was the plan on my last post. The only plan was to cut back on my protein because I was getting way too much for my weight and exercise levels. I was constipated and it was just too odd that the number was nudging up so I figured I'd need to readjust that. I met with a nutritionist and she said it would be okay but it's not. I've been sticking with 25/60/15 (Fat/Carb/Protein). Cutting the protein has allowed me to see some lower numbers but they are still higher then I want. Eating healthy is already a lifestyle for me and as such I pretty much eat whatever I wanna eat-in moderation and mainly sticking with healthier options. I have a reasonable calorie budget now so it's usually in budget and macro nutrient goals. I don't over eat. I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full. I kinda over did it on some pasta I ordered and I literally shot up 2 lbs overnight and I overdid it on some pizza months ago but those are the only 2 times I can think of that I feel like I ate too much this year. Both times it wasn't even that I couldn't stop. I think I was just sort of testing the waters. I don't know.
Sometimes I'll be under my calories and not really hungry but I'll eat more just to make it to 1,200 minimum. My calorie budget is set at 1,600 but I rarely meet that. I don't crave sweets or candy anymore. Not that I never eat them but I don't crave them. We went to a Farmers Market last weekend and I could only marvel at how different it was then the last time we went. I didn't want a single sample because I had eaten and I wasn't hungry. I remember the last time we went there I was starving, attacked every sample like a vulture and even after we ate and I was reasonably filled up I wanted more. My mind and body were used to being hungry so even if I actually wasn't I didn't know the difference. I still weigh foods, count out serving sizes and track calories every day. I am still wearing skirts because it makes me feel less large and because I am bigger so my designer jeans don't fit which is really sad. At some point I'll need to buy more. I moved most of them to the other closet. I'm pretty sure buying some that fit would make me feel better but on the other hand it might make me feel worse that I had to take that step because I'm bigger. I still feel gigantic but I'm so terrified of being in the boat I was in before that it really scared me straight I guess. Even though I feel like a cow I'm terrified of screwing up my metabolism and being starving, eating nothing and still gaining weight. That was the worst most out of control feeling ever. It was devastating and although I want to be skinny again I'm not ready to make a push to cut calories right now.
I'm exercising again but I'm not being a fanatic about it at all. My first Yoga work out had me super sore which told me I was out of shape since Yoga never makes me sore. I'm not as strong as I was but I'm getting back there. I've only done yoga and am planning to do 30 Day Shred level 1 at some point but there is no rush. I still have my abs and I can still do my splits. I'm over obsessing about exercise when it hardly ever did a thing for me before.
I finally got around to watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show last week even though it came on in December. I just couldn't bring myself to watch those beautiful, rich, skinny girls in their underwear on TV when I was feeling so badly about my body. The VS models are getting skinner every year. I long to be skinny too but I'm just trying to deal with the body I have as best I can right now.
Monday, March 31, 2014
8 Weeks
Last week was 8 weeks and the first week of consistently not having any pain or swelly belly. The incisions are still tender if I bump them. Today I'm wearing a dress with a skinny belt around it and it feels uncomfortable. I'm guessing it's just any kind of pressure like non leggings and pants with zippers or belts that is just going to do that for a little while longer. Other then that I seem to be right on schedule with the recovery time of 6-8 weeks.
I've been cleared for exercise but I have to admit I am dreading it. Life without working out has been really nice. I've enjoyed not having to fit in workouts on weekend mornings or after work. Working out is kind of a pain in the butt. Since I'm not hell bent on extreme weight loss anymore maybe that will just mean I don't do it as often. Bottom line though; I need to do it. If there were no health benefits to regular exercise I probably wouldn't but it's part of a healthy lifestyle so I'm going to force myself to get back to it. Eventually.
Last week I made chicken breast and ate that for dinner Sunday through Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday it was Subway and then Friday it was Beef Tacos. On Saturday I just ate cheese, crackers and light salami; kind of a snack dinner. I made chicken breast again on Sunday and I'll be eating that again with veggies until it runs out.
It's weird this whole eating even though my husband is not here to see me eating thing. In times past it would be my free for all to skip dinner and restrict as much as possible. How times have changed.
I spent all day Sunday watching TV; mostly Scandal. I felt so incredibly lazy. I literally just sat there on the couch watching episode after episode. I feel as though I could be so much more productive in life if I chose to but I really didn't want to do anything else. I wanted to sit on my butt on watch TV. I did get some writing done in the morning though. I am determined to finish my novel once and for all this year. It's taken me long enough and I'm almost there.
I finally told my mom about crashing my metabolism, getting it tested and trying to eat more food. I didn't plan on it but she asked me if I felt I gained weight because I hadn't been exercising so I told her that I had but that it wasn't because of the surgery or lack of exercise. I didn't tell her how much and I didn't mention that I couldn't fit into some of my clothes. We had a good talk about it and she is glad to hear that I'm not trying to starve myself all the time anymore. She was worried about me going into surgery on a starvation diet and I told her that was part of why I knew I needed to do better. Medically, I looked fine but what if my heart was slightly weakened just enough to cause a problem while I was under anesthesia? It was really freaking me out on top of the other worries I had about surgery. The timing of my metabolism crash and uncontrollable weight gain was probably meant to be. It all happened leading up to January and I took steps to fix it and that helped ensure that I was healthy going into surgery.
My Birthday is tomorrow and it's going to be just another day. I had a really crappy birthday in 2009 so ever since then I've asked for it off. I'm not going to this year though because I don't see any point wasting vacation time when I don't have any plans, hubby is gone and we get Friday off. I might ask to get off an hour or two early just for the hell of it. I'm going out with friends on Friday for dinner. Normally I don't do anything outside of familybut with hubby gone I felt like I should do something so that it would feel like my Birthday in some way. Saturday I'm going to go to see my parents. My mom is having foot surgery Friday so we'll just be hanging out
I am feeling so burnt out. Thank goodness it's a short week.
I've been cleared for exercise but I have to admit I am dreading it. Life without working out has been really nice. I've enjoyed not having to fit in workouts on weekend mornings or after work. Working out is kind of a pain in the butt. Since I'm not hell bent on extreme weight loss anymore maybe that will just mean I don't do it as often. Bottom line though; I need to do it. If there were no health benefits to regular exercise I probably wouldn't but it's part of a healthy lifestyle so I'm going to force myself to get back to it. Eventually.
Last week I made chicken breast and ate that for dinner Sunday through Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday it was Subway and then Friday it was Beef Tacos. On Saturday I just ate cheese, crackers and light salami; kind of a snack dinner. I made chicken breast again on Sunday and I'll be eating that again with veggies until it runs out.
It's weird this whole eating even though my husband is not here to see me eating thing. In times past it would be my free for all to skip dinner and restrict as much as possible. How times have changed.
I spent all day Sunday watching TV; mostly Scandal. I felt so incredibly lazy. I literally just sat there on the couch watching episode after episode. I feel as though I could be so much more productive in life if I chose to but I really didn't want to do anything else. I wanted to sit on my butt on watch TV. I did get some writing done in the morning though. I am determined to finish my novel once and for all this year. It's taken me long enough and I'm almost there.
I finally told my mom about crashing my metabolism, getting it tested and trying to eat more food. I didn't plan on it but she asked me if I felt I gained weight because I hadn't been exercising so I told her that I had but that it wasn't because of the surgery or lack of exercise. I didn't tell her how much and I didn't mention that I couldn't fit into some of my clothes. We had a good talk about it and she is glad to hear that I'm not trying to starve myself all the time anymore. She was worried about me going into surgery on a starvation diet and I told her that was part of why I knew I needed to do better. Medically, I looked fine but what if my heart was slightly weakened just enough to cause a problem while I was under anesthesia? It was really freaking me out on top of the other worries I had about surgery. The timing of my metabolism crash and uncontrollable weight gain was probably meant to be. It all happened leading up to January and I took steps to fix it and that helped ensure that I was healthy going into surgery.
My Birthday is tomorrow and it's going to be just another day. I had a really crappy birthday in 2009 so ever since then I've asked for it off. I'm not going to this year though because I don't see any point wasting vacation time when I don't have any plans, hubby is gone and we get Friday off. I might ask to get off an hour or two early just for the hell of it. I'm going out with friends on Friday for dinner. Normally I don't do anything outside of familybut with hubby gone I felt like I should do something so that it would feel like my Birthday in some way. Saturday I'm going to go to see my parents. My mom is having foot surgery Friday so we'll just be hanging out
I am feeling so burnt out. Thank goodness it's a short week.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Dresses and Skirts
I'm now going on 6 weeks post op and 3 weeks back at work. On Saturday I was wearing a skinny belt well above my belly button over a dress and I had to unbuckle it twice to accommodate my swelling belly but it had been doing so much better then that all week. Yesterday was my first feeling pretty normal at work day. I only felt pain when I had to bend over. Today feels worse then yesterday. Still not bad but when I stand up after sitting for a while there is an ache in my belly. That's kind of how it's been from the start though. Two steps forward and then one step back but the overall trend is progress. I'm definitely healing and it's getting better slowly but surely. I'm still wearing skirts and dresses. My wardrobe has almost doubled
since I started wearing these things that have mostly just been sitting
in my closet unworn. I haven't even worn any of the 6 new dresses I
bought at Old Navy yet.
The steri tape on my right incision finally came off and it looks way better then the one on my left. It's a tad bit lighter in color and it doesn't indent like the other one. I'm kind of bummed that the one on the left didn't heal as well but at least there won't be twin scars on either side so I'm glad that one is better then the other. If the left one lightens up over time it'll be much better. I'm doing aloe in the morning and at night. The swelly belly is still swelly after work but it is getting better. The muscle spasms are still ongoing almost every morning. I put my cell phone right next to me in the bed because if I move slow enough when the alarm goes off sometimes that keeps them from happening. I tried laying on my belly last week for the first time. It was okay. I'm still not comfortable sleeping on it but hopefully soon. Every now and then I'll look down at my belly and think oh god; what have I done to myself? I think it's all going to get a lot better but my belly and my body really will never be the same. There is something missing in there and that changes things. I read a lot of horror stories and I was really freaked out prior to this but for some reason I underestimated this surgery. It's just a tiny uterous. It's laparoscopic. No big deal. But it really is a big deal any time you remove an organ. I mean, I knew that, but for some odd reason it didn't really hit me until AFTER I did it.
I've been the exact same weight for the past three days. 127.6. Same is always better then up. It's still really tough to get used to these high numbers and the way my body looks. I'm really trying though. I'm going to really focus on sticking to the 25/50/25 diet when hubby is gone. For some reason it's easier to cook chicken and eat the same things every day when he's not here. Not that I can't do that when he's here but he likes to make dinner, he wants me to make dinner and we just aren't going to be cooking chicken breast every day. Me on my own though-it's just easier. I feel like I pretty much eat whatever I want right now and what I want is real and healthy food. Not a whole lot of junk. Just some junk. And no out of control eating. I eat and then I can stop when I'm full instead of continuing like it's my last meal.
I really did hit the jackpot with my husband. He is so much smarter and more motivated then me. He finished up his Bachelor's last year and now he's talking about his Master's. He says you constantly need to be improving and going for the next thing. He doesn't believe in being stagnant. Which is pretty much what I am. I got my BA 10 years ago and I haven't done a damn thing to improve myself or my position in life since. I guess I don't want to because if I did I would have figured something out and done it. He got a big raise this year and expects to get another next year too. My raises are only about $50 per month for the next 3 years until I max out and then it will be $0. He is so kind and so generous and I'm kind of a selfish bitch sometimes. He is definitely my better half and I love him to pieces. I just hope there doesn't come a day when he starts to think he could've done better which is basically what I think right now. If I were progressing and making more money imagine where we could be financially? He wants to buy another house. I don't think we can afford it and there is nothing that I can do to change that. My paycheck is my paycheck and that's what I have to offer. It's not changing. I'm definitely the weak link. He is pretty much my world. I can't stand it when he's upset with me. I don't want to even imagine a world in which he doesn't look at me with love in his eyes. The day that happens is also the day my world ends. He just means so much to me.
I am going to miss him so much. He leaves on Saturday and I seriously can't believe it. I'm so attached to him; especially more so over these last 6 weeks since surgery. I haven't done anything with friends and nothing outside of work that doesn't include him. It happens every year and I thought I had gotten used to it for the most part but I feel sadder about him leaving this time then I have in a while.
The steri tape on my right incision finally came off and it looks way better then the one on my left. It's a tad bit lighter in color and it doesn't indent like the other one. I'm kind of bummed that the one on the left didn't heal as well but at least there won't be twin scars on either side so I'm glad that one is better then the other. If the left one lightens up over time it'll be much better. I'm doing aloe in the morning and at night. The swelly belly is still swelly after work but it is getting better. The muscle spasms are still ongoing almost every morning. I put my cell phone right next to me in the bed because if I move slow enough when the alarm goes off sometimes that keeps them from happening. I tried laying on my belly last week for the first time. It was okay. I'm still not comfortable sleeping on it but hopefully soon. Every now and then I'll look down at my belly and think oh god; what have I done to myself? I think it's all going to get a lot better but my belly and my body really will never be the same. There is something missing in there and that changes things. I read a lot of horror stories and I was really freaked out prior to this but for some reason I underestimated this surgery. It's just a tiny uterous. It's laparoscopic. No big deal. But it really is a big deal any time you remove an organ. I mean, I knew that, but for some odd reason it didn't really hit me until AFTER I did it.
I've been the exact same weight for the past three days. 127.6. Same is always better then up. It's still really tough to get used to these high numbers and the way my body looks. I'm really trying though. I'm going to really focus on sticking to the 25/50/25 diet when hubby is gone. For some reason it's easier to cook chicken and eat the same things every day when he's not here. Not that I can't do that when he's here but he likes to make dinner, he wants me to make dinner and we just aren't going to be cooking chicken breast every day. Me on my own though-it's just easier. I feel like I pretty much eat whatever I want right now and what I want is real and healthy food. Not a whole lot of junk. Just some junk. And no out of control eating. I eat and then I can stop when I'm full instead of continuing like it's my last meal.
I really did hit the jackpot with my husband. He is so much smarter and more motivated then me. He finished up his Bachelor's last year and now he's talking about his Master's. He says you constantly need to be improving and going for the next thing. He doesn't believe in being stagnant. Which is pretty much what I am. I got my BA 10 years ago and I haven't done a damn thing to improve myself or my position in life since. I guess I don't want to because if I did I would have figured something out and done it. He got a big raise this year and expects to get another next year too. My raises are only about $50 per month for the next 3 years until I max out and then it will be $0. He is so kind and so generous and I'm kind of a selfish bitch sometimes. He is definitely my better half and I love him to pieces. I just hope there doesn't come a day when he starts to think he could've done better which is basically what I think right now. If I were progressing and making more money imagine where we could be financially? He wants to buy another house. I don't think we can afford it and there is nothing that I can do to change that. My paycheck is my paycheck and that's what I have to offer. It's not changing. I'm definitely the weak link. He is pretty much my world. I can't stand it when he's upset with me. I don't want to even imagine a world in which he doesn't look at me with love in his eyes. The day that happens is also the day my world ends. He just means so much to me.
I am going to miss him so much. He leaves on Saturday and I seriously can't believe it. I'm so attached to him; especially more so over these last 6 weeks since surgery. I haven't done anything with friends and nothing outside of work that doesn't include him. It happens every year and I thought I had gotten used to it for the most part but I feel sadder about him leaving this time then I have in a while.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Metabolic Testing
So I did it. I coughed up the $125 for the metabolic testing and I'm glad I did. You can't do all the online calculators in the world but unless you are medically tested yourself it's all just a guesstimate. I needed medical evidence of what my metabolism was and what I should be eating.
I'm going to start with my results from past biometrics testing just so I have everything in one place.
09/2012
Body Fat: 14.8% with electric current done at the gym
Biometrics testing received through work wearing clothes/no shoes and no full metabolic testing was done.
01/10/2013
Weight: 123.4
BMI: 19.3
Body Fat: 22% with electric current (recommended 17-25%)
Body Fat: 18.3 (calipers)
Resting Metabolism: 1,304 (guesstimate)
Body Age: 19
Visceral Fat: 2 (recommended <10)
Skeletal Muscle: 33% (recommended 24-29%)
Waist: 25
Hips: 35
My own at home measurements with weigh in nude. When I get home I'm going to take my measurements again and I'll post them here. I'm scared to see what they are.
06/17/2013
Weight: 120
BMI: 18.8
Bust: 32.5
Waist: 26 3/4
Hips: 35
Thigh: 20
Bicept: 10
Biometrics testing received through work wearing clothes/no shoes and no full metabolic testing was done.
10/23/2013
Weight: 127.4
BMI:19.9
Body Fat: 23.7% with electric current (recommended 17-25%)
Body Fat: 16.9 (calipers)
Resting Metabolism: 1,327 (guesstimate)
Body Age: 20
Visceral Fat: 2 (recommended <10)
Skeletal Muscle: 32.3% (recommended 24-29%)
Waist: 27
January 2014 Measurements taken today
Bust: 32.5"
Waist: 27"
Hips: 36"
Weight: 127.8
The full metabolic testing results. Wearing clothes no shoes.
01/08/14
Weight: 127.2
BMI:19.9
Fat Weight: 23 lbs
Fat Free Weight: 104.2 lbs (skeletal and muscle)
Body Fat: 18.1% with electric current (80th percentile for women) (recommended 17-25%)
Resting Basal Metabolic Rate: 1,486 scientifically proven
Recommendations:
Do not eat below 1,486 calories based on BMR
Weight maintenance: 1,932 calories
Weight Loss: 1,700-1,800 calories per day
25% Fat: 47g
50% Carbs: 212.5g
25% Protein: 106g
Increase calories slowly by 100-150 calories every two weeks until I get there.
(I told her I was looking to lose about 5lbs although really it's about 9).
What this tells me is that in order to maintain my basic bodily functions such as breathing, heart beating and brain fuctions is 1,486 calories. My metabolism is not screwed and it's crazy to think that I used to exist on almost half of that. She says that she would think I would be pleasantly surprised. Mind blown because it is actual science telling me this. I fasted for 12 hours priors, did not exercise for 24 hours prior and sat in a chair with a breathing mask and these were the results based on my body and not some online calculations. Which turns out were fairly accurate. This tells me that I need to be eating more. She confirmed that the 25% Fat, 50% Calories and 25% protein ratio that I have been doing since the 1st was accurate. Unlike the nutritionist who claims that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie she says that the composition of what you eat matters and makes a different in weight loss. Which is what I always thought. For everything else I'm shooting for Sodium: 1800mg or less, Sugar 40g or less and Fiber 30 minimum. It's a balancing act.
The TDEE/IIFYM calculator link is pretty right on. I did their Total Daily Energy Expenditure calculator in every way possible and the lowest calorie count I came up with that it recommends is 1,666 calories per day for maintenance and then for "reckless" fat loss it was 1,333. I'm glad I know for sure where my body is it's just a matter of seeing if I can apply it. My BM's have been regular. I've been drinking about 48 oz of water per day and not retaining it which is good. I actually pee like a normal person. Although, I still find that I retain on the weekends and I have no idea what it is about going to work that allows me to let out what comes in. I have even started drinking coffee on the weekends and I try to keep up the water and it's still an issue. Weird.
Since the New Year I was afraid to cut calories too much so I focused on the 25/50/25 ratio and cut from 1,300 to 1,200. According to my test results this is too low. I am totally terrified of increasing but I think I want to give it a shot in the name of science. I went ahead and put 1,500 as my budget in Lose It but I am shooting for 1,300 right now and I will raise that slowly until I get to 1,500 and see how I feel. Maybe that's why when I got back from Hawaii I was 125 lbs and I haven't seen that number since forever. That tells me that I could presumably try the higher calories for about 8 days and really, really try not to freak out because I've done it before. The difference would be that it is truly intentional; not a screw up and I would be eating healthy since I'm not on vacation.
Turns out when you actually eat a proper balanced diet and stick to it you cannot eat too much junk and sweets. There simply isn't room if you want your percentages to come out right. You can also eat a heck of a lot more food when it's nutritionally dense. How easy it is to eat a giant unhealthy meal or a bunch of empty junk and burn through 1,000 calories in one sitting. Yesterday I couldn't even get in all the food I planned because I didn't get home until 8:30pm. Today I planned ahead feel like there is so much food! And I'm not even hungry. It definitely cuts the snacking urges big time. I've been playing around with foods in the app to see what I can and can't eat to keep the numbers right and this is what it looks like. I still have my fiber 1 cereal, carrots and Greek yogurt to gobble down before I leave work and I'm not even hungry. I'm trying to do the protein at lunch which I would have never done in a million years before so that I don't get hungry. Dinner looks kinda funny. Based on where I was at during the day that's enough for me to get in what I need to meet my calorie AND percentage goals. It's really hard to stay on exact numbers for percentages too so I don't expect that as long as I get close. I probably need to start fitting in even more food during the work day because that's a lot to eat when I get home before bed. I may drop the ice cream. I just added it because I needed more carbs and it put me to 1,300.
So that's where I'm at right now. My goal is to make it to 1,500 and then see how I feel from there. I really cannot imagine eating 1,700 calories if 1,300 feels like a ton. If the scale starts to go up I'm going to freak out. And then what? I'm really glad that I know for sure where my metabolism is though so I can at least try to move forward. She says she's tested women who have below 1,000 on their metabolic rate. I was afraid that's what I was looking at but it turns out I'm better off then I thought. I feel huge. My mind is anxious and I'm still really scared but at least this test has eased some of my fears. I just don't get it. Why do most diets tell you to eat 1,200 calories when I have a metabolism that supposedly needs 1,500 just to function and live. Why do I still gain when I eat what is supposedly what would make me loose? How could I possible eat 1,900 calories which is supposedly maintenance and not expect to be as big as a house? I'm so confused. She said trust me. This is how much you can eat. I really want to believe her.
I'm going to start with my results from past biometrics testing just so I have everything in one place.
09/2012
Body Fat: 14.8% with electric current done at the gym
Biometrics testing received through work wearing clothes/no shoes and no full metabolic testing was done.
01/10/2013
Weight: 123.4
BMI: 19.3
Body Fat: 22% with electric current (recommended 17-25%)
Body Fat: 18.3 (calipers)
Resting Metabolism: 1,304 (guesstimate)
Body Age: 19
Visceral Fat: 2 (recommended <10)
Skeletal Muscle: 33% (recommended 24-29%)
Waist: 25
Hips: 35
My own at home measurements with weigh in nude. When I get home I'm going to take my measurements again and I'll post them here. I'm scared to see what they are.
06/17/2013
Weight: 120
BMI: 18.8
Bust: 32.5
Waist: 26 3/4
Hips: 35
Thigh: 20
Bicept: 10
Biometrics testing received through work wearing clothes/no shoes and no full metabolic testing was done.
10/23/2013
Weight: 127.4
BMI:19.9
Body Fat: 23.7% with electric current (recommended 17-25%)
Body Fat: 16.9 (calipers)
Resting Metabolism: 1,327 (guesstimate)
Body Age: 20
Visceral Fat: 2 (recommended <10)
Skeletal Muscle: 32.3% (recommended 24-29%)
Waist: 27
January 2014 Measurements taken today
Bust: 32.5"
Waist: 27"
Hips: 36"
Weight: 127.8
The full metabolic testing results. Wearing clothes no shoes.
01/08/14
Weight: 127.2
BMI:19.9
Fat Weight: 23 lbs
Fat Free Weight: 104.2 lbs (skeletal and muscle)
Body Fat: 18.1% with electric current (80th percentile for women) (recommended 17-25%)
Resting Basal Metabolic Rate: 1,486 scientifically proven
Recommendations:
Do not eat below 1,486 calories based on BMR
Weight maintenance: 1,932 calories
Weight Loss: 1,700-1,800 calories per day
25% Fat: 47g
50% Carbs: 212.5g
25% Protein: 106g
Increase calories slowly by 100-150 calories every two weeks until I get there.
(I told her I was looking to lose about 5lbs although really it's about 9).
What this tells me is that in order to maintain my basic bodily functions such as breathing, heart beating and brain fuctions is 1,486 calories. My metabolism is not screwed and it's crazy to think that I used to exist on almost half of that. She says that she would think I would be pleasantly surprised. Mind blown because it is actual science telling me this. I fasted for 12 hours priors, did not exercise for 24 hours prior and sat in a chair with a breathing mask and these were the results based on my body and not some online calculations. Which turns out were fairly accurate. This tells me that I need to be eating more. She confirmed that the 25% Fat, 50% Calories and 25% protein ratio that I have been doing since the 1st was accurate. Unlike the nutritionist who claims that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie she says that the composition of what you eat matters and makes a different in weight loss. Which is what I always thought. For everything else I'm shooting for Sodium: 1800mg or less, Sugar 40g or less and Fiber 30 minimum. It's a balancing act.
The TDEE/IIFYM calculator link is pretty right on. I did their Total Daily Energy Expenditure calculator in every way possible and the lowest calorie count I came up with that it recommends is 1,666 calories per day for maintenance and then for "reckless" fat loss it was 1,333. I'm glad I know for sure where my body is it's just a matter of seeing if I can apply it. My BM's have been regular. I've been drinking about 48 oz of water per day and not retaining it which is good. I actually pee like a normal person. Although, I still find that I retain on the weekends and I have no idea what it is about going to work that allows me to let out what comes in. I have even started drinking coffee on the weekends and I try to keep up the water and it's still an issue. Weird.
Since the New Year I was afraid to cut calories too much so I focused on the 25/50/25 ratio and cut from 1,300 to 1,200. According to my test results this is too low. I am totally terrified of increasing but I think I want to give it a shot in the name of science. I went ahead and put 1,500 as my budget in Lose It but I am shooting for 1,300 right now and I will raise that slowly until I get to 1,500 and see how I feel. Maybe that's why when I got back from Hawaii I was 125 lbs and I haven't seen that number since forever. That tells me that I could presumably try the higher calories for about 8 days and really, really try not to freak out because I've done it before. The difference would be that it is truly intentional; not a screw up and I would be eating healthy since I'm not on vacation.
Weekly Report for week of December 30, 2013
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exer. | Net | +/- | Weight | |
| Dec-30-13 | 1,251 | 1,165 | 130 | 1,035 | -45 | 128.4 |
| Dec-31-13 | 1,251 | 1,833 | - | 1,833 | 582 | 128.4 |
| Jan-1-14 | 1,251 | 1,166 | - | 1,166 | -85 | 129.2 |
| Jan-2-14 | 1,254 | 1,218 | 100 | 1,118 | -136 | 129.6 |
| Jan-3-14 | 1,247 | 1,225 | - | 1,225 | -22 | 128.6 |
| Jan-4-14 | 1,242 | 1,155 | - | 1,155 | -86 | 127.8 |
| Jan-5-14 | 1,246 | 1,226 | 155 | 1,071 | -175 | 128.4 |
| 208 calories under for the week | ||||||
| 385 exercise calories burned this week | ||||||
| Lost 0 pounds this week | ||||||
Turns out when you actually eat a proper balanced diet and stick to it you cannot eat too much junk and sweets. There simply isn't room if you want your percentages to come out right. You can also eat a heck of a lot more food when it's nutritionally dense. How easy it is to eat a giant unhealthy meal or a bunch of empty junk and burn through 1,000 calories in one sitting. Yesterday I couldn't even get in all the food I planned because I didn't get home until 8:30pm. Today I planned ahead feel like there is so much food! And I'm not even hungry. It definitely cuts the snacking urges big time. I've been playing around with foods in the app to see what I can and can't eat to keep the numbers right and this is what it looks like. I still have my fiber 1 cereal, carrots and Greek yogurt to gobble down before I leave work and I'm not even hungry. I'm trying to do the protein at lunch which I would have never done in a million years before so that I don't get hungry. Dinner looks kinda funny. Based on where I was at during the day that's enough for me to get in what I need to meet my calorie AND percentage goals. It's really hard to stay on exact numbers for percentages too so I don't expect that as long as I get close. I probably need to start fitting in even more food during the work day because that's a lot to eat when I get home before bed. I may drop the ice cream. I just added it because I needed more carbs and it put me to 1,300.
Daily Report for January 9, 2014
| Daily Log | ||
| Breakfast | 221 | |
| Egg Beaters | ½ Cup | 67 |
| Bacon, Fully Cooked, Oscar Mayer | 1 Slice | 27 |
| Creamer, French Vanilla, International Delight | 1 Tablespoon | 45 |
| Coffee, brewed w/tap water | 10 Fluid ounces | 3 |
| Danish Butter Cookies, Kelsen | 2 Each | 80 |
| Lunch | 477 | |
| Carrots, Fresh | 6 Ounces | 70 |
| Yogurt, Total, 0%, Fage | 4 ½ Ounces | 75 |
| Honey, BillyBee | 1 Teaspoon | 20 |
| Chicken Breast, Grilled, Seasoned | 1 ¼ Servings | 213 |
| Spice, Cinnamon, Ground | 1 Teaspoon | 6 |
| Cereal, Original, Fiber One | ½ Cup | 60 |
| Popcorn Nearly Naked | 1 Cup | 32 |
| Dinner | 330 | |
| Cheese, String (28oz), Frigo | 1 Each | 80 |
| Ezekiel 4:9 low sodium | 1 Serving | 80 |
| Bread, Double Fiber (38g), Oroweat | 1 Each | 80 |
| Peanut Butter, Creamy (32g), Planters | 1 Tablespoon | 90 |
| Snacks | 282 | |
| Tangerines, Med, Fresh | 1 Each | 47 |
| Apple (5oz M, 9oz Lg) | 6 ¼ Ounces | 102 |
| Ice Cream, Light, Coffee (60g=1/2c), Dreyer's Slow Churned | ⅔ Cup | 133 |
| Nutrients | ||
| Fat | 40g | 26% |
| Saturated Fat | 14g | |
| Cholesterol | 134mg | |
| Sodium | 1250mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 173g | 49% |
| Fiber | 36g | |
| Sugars | 76g | |
| Protein | 89g | 25% |
| Summary | |
| Food Calories | 1,310 |
| Exercise Calories | - |
| Net Calories | 1,310 |
| +/- Calories | -207 |
| Weight | 127.8 |
So that's where I'm at right now. My goal is to make it to 1,500 and then see how I feel from there. I really cannot imagine eating 1,700 calories if 1,300 feels like a ton. If the scale starts to go up I'm going to freak out. And then what? I'm really glad that I know for sure where my metabolism is though so I can at least try to move forward. She says she's tested women who have below 1,000 on their metabolic rate. I was afraid that's what I was looking at but it turns out I'm better off then I thought. I feel huge. My mind is anxious and I'm still really scared but at least this test has eased some of my fears. I just don't get it. Why do most diets tell you to eat 1,200 calories when I have a metabolism that supposedly needs 1,500 just to function and live. Why do I still gain when I eat what is supposedly what would make me loose? How could I possible eat 1,900 calories which is supposedly maintenance and not expect to be as big as a house? I'm so confused. She said trust me. This is how much you can eat. I really want to believe her.
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