Got Our House Back

We got our house back yesterday.  I came home and there was just hubby playing a video game and mostly silence.  We each sort of retreated into our own corners of isolation and decompression.  It was like we were just so happy to be alone that we didn't even want to talk to each other.

The visit was really great overall.  I had a really good time at the Beach and when we went up to LA and spending time with mom in law and cousin in law.  The kids mostly just got on my nerves.  One of them constantly asked random questions to the point that I started ignoring him.  Grandma caught on and started doing it too.  He eventually stopped asking when he didn't get an answer.  What are you doing?  Why are you talking?  I walk in the house and he says why are you here? He just always has to be talking and engaging with someone.  He is really spoiled too.  When he wants something he cries and cries and keeps asking for it and saying I want it until he either gets it or he realizes it's not happening at all.  So annoying.  Hubby was giving him everything he wanted at first but after a couple days he started learning how to tell him No.  If he wanted to come into our room he let him into our room until I finally said, Look-that kid does not need to come in here.  I am trying to get dressed.  Tell him he can't come in and lock the door.  The baby drooled so much the whole top half of his shirt was always wet and he put his face all over the couch and everything else.  He's teething.  I know kids will be kids.  They can't help it but between the crying and the cartoons and the questions and the constantly wanting this or that I was over it!!

One day I sat at the kitchen table to eat my toast and I wanted to read blogs while I did it but there was his mom wanting to chat.  I don't mind chatting but I already knew the chat would revolve around her.  I love that woman!! She is sweet, but oh my gosh the non stop talking about herself and her own goings on was exhausting.  Then we went out to dinner an she didn't even bring her purse.  Isn't that presumptuous to assume someone else is paying for you?  Hubby can't pay for everything.  He actually didn't bring his wallet because he figured I could take care of his food but I had to pay for mom too and nephew T since apparently hubby was responsible for all of his expenses.  I think the agreement was that hubby would pay for everything for his little nephew since it was his idea for him to come.  She did give me some cash when we got to the house but I just had to turn around and use it to pay for our Pizza that we had for dinner at the beach on night 1.  No one offered to chip in.  I felt bad because hubby spent a lot of money.  He bought extra beach gear, paid for the beach cottage.  Hubby paid for all of us to get in the zoo.  Himself and his cousin were free with a military ID.  His mom frowned up her face when she saw the price and you just knew she was thinking, well I can't afford that someone needs to pay for me.  He paid for parking which was $20 bucks up in LA, gas and the carnival rides and any treats that his nephew wanted.  We spent a lot of money on groceries that came out of our joint account which I was okay with.  I just felt like they were taking advantage of my husband's generosity.  He went to the airport twice on the day they got here and the day they left because they came and left at different times.  Plus, there was an extra trip on top of that at each end to get the rental van which was only available near the airport.  We got it and dropped it off together.  They were already saving money on hotel by staying with us.  I just felt like they should at least have offered to pitch in here and there even if he would refuse it.  I wasn't on vacation.  I didn't have money to be spending when they were here so I tried to buy hubby's food or my own food where I could but mostly I just let whatever happened happen.  It's his family so however it was to be dealt with was up to him so I stayed out of it.

I think his mom is the type that likes to be taken care of.  By whomever will do it.  She's on her 3rd marriage.  She doesn't work and has figured out a way to receive money from the state forever so she doesn't have to.  She married this guy who lives in another country and now she gets money for his step kids as dependents and she expects him to help her out with expenses.  She loves to talk about how her husband takes care of everything and she also loves to complain about how he was supposed to give her $800 but instead paid her credit card off and didn't give her that money for the trip like he was supposed to.  She helped him figure out how to get out of the military when he was only in for maybe 2 years and receive some sort of disability check.  They were supposed to split the van costs.  When hubby told her how much the van rental was going to be she was like-that's a lot for my budget.  Thank goodness he included gas costs because no one even offered to pitch in on that and it was only fair that they do since we went pretty far.  You shouldn't expect your hosts to finance your vacation.  If you go on vacation you should have your own money to spend while you are there.   I'm not going to say that she's totally stingy because she's not.  She has bought some sweet gifts for me and hubby and she did treat us to dinner when we went to visit.  I just get this vibe that getting things is so important to her.  Like, receiving gifts and having her son and husband spend money on her is a feather in her cap.  Something to boast about. She makes sure to tell hubby what she wants for each birthday and mom's day and Christmas well in advance and then she likes to brag to her sister's about how wonderful her son is and what he bought her.  She just really seems to be about what she gets and what others do for her and I think that's what I was mostly annoyed with.  I just have an issue when someone has that expectation and seems to go about their life with their hand out.

She's weirdly obsessed with her son.  Like, she'll say things like, don't put your hands on my son and I think she is only half way joking.  She would marry him herself if she could.  I was thinking that based on the way she would go on and on about him and then she confirmed it.  She literally said if she could she would, except she can't because he's her son.  I have never seen anyone so obsessed with their adult child.

Anyways, they both said they want to come back again but without the kids and that will be fine by me.  T is only 3.  He might be easier to deal with when he is older.  His mom already said she would rather come on her own even without the cousin R.  She said next time it's just going to be me.  I think she wants to be the only guest.  She was bummed that we just stayed home on Sunday because his cousin R wanted to just relax.  I needed to rest too.  I had to go to work Monday.  I was glad we weren't out and with her complaining about her budget did she even have money to do something else anyways?  R is totally self contained.  She can entertain herself a little.  She would watch TV up in the guest room alone or just chill outside for a bit.  She gives us space here and there but his mom has to be right there on you at all times being entertained.

I'm kind of a bitch.

I also didn't have kids for a reason. I really don't have the patience for it.  I'm obviously not maternal enough.  The upside of this whole child immersion experience is that I'm without a doubt certain that my decision not to have children was the right one.  It was kind of gut wrenching before even when I already knew I didn't want any but I feel certain about my choice right now. I don't have the patience or the money for it but I think if I felt I had the money for it I would find the patience.  It really is a beautiful thing.  Even as they were driving me nuts they did have their adorable moments, but worrying about money and a kid?  No thank you.  I don't want to spend thousands of money on daycare and then cry when I have to go back to work because I want to be a stay at home mom but can't and there are only so many hours in the day.  When do working mom's even see their kids? Nights and weekend. When do working mom's get anything done at home?  Nights and weekends?  When do working mom's get a chance to relax?  Mostly never.  I'm already uptight about money and orderliness.  I would be so stressed out.  If I were rich I'd have put off surgery, preserved my eggs for later or hire a surrogate. I'd hire a nanny for extra help if I needed it and we could still afford a decent lifestyle.  If I can't have kids the way I want to have kids then I don't want to do it all.

Okay.  End rant.

Pre Op Fears

My hysterectomy surgery is scheduled for next Friday! Oh my gosh, am I ever freaking out.  I tend to obsess over everything so of course this is no different.  I have been on the internet all week reading up on it which is very bad because there are all kinds of horrible horror stories.  There are also positive stories but it's the negative ones that are psyching me out.

The biggest thing I have an issue with is the fact that this surgery is not medically necessary.  I will not die if I don't do it but technically I could if I do as there is always a risk with any surgery.  I'm lucky that I don't HAVE to do this and that I don't have any major symptoms from my fibroids.  I have pelvic pressure that is bothersome and a protruding belly but my day to day life is not really impacted.  My uterus is at least the size of one that is 12 weeks pregnant.  Sometimes it looks like there is an alien in my belly trying to poke it's head through.  Having serious body image issues makes this very upsetting for me.  Every time I look at my belly I'm disgusted and I don't want to live with them.  On the other hand I feel really vain for risking surgery to get rid of them.  There are people out there who do boob jobs and all kind of totally purely cosmetic surgery every day.  I wonder if they have these same thoughts? 

There are just so many questions and no real definitive answers out there.  If I just had the fibroids removed and kept the uterus that surgery is very bloody, there is a very good chance they would grow back and then I might have to have a hysterectomy anyways or just live with it if I didn't want to do another surgery.  It's possible that if I leave them alone they could continue to grow but it's also possible that they may not.  It's possible that they will shrink at menopause but it's also possible that they may not.  It's possible that they may never cause me any more problems but it's also possible that they will and at that point it might be too late to do it laparascopically through small incisions versus having to be sliced open through the abdomen.  Sex might never be the same but it could be better.  I'm definitely keeping my ovaries but then you have to decide if you want to keep your cervix or not.  I would not have even known that were it not for all of my extensive research because my doctor didn't necessarily ask.  She was just going to remove it.  I kind of wish I didn't even know it was an option now because that's just one more decision.  There are pros, cons and all kinds of inconclusive research on that too.  If I keep it I could continue to have spotting every month and I'll have to keep getting yearly paps but there is less cutting away.  If I don't keep it then it may or may not make a difference sexually.  My gut tells me to just keep as much of my organs as possible.  My doctor is okay with either.  If I do keep it then the surgery will all be 100% laparascopic and nothing will come out of the vagina.  I like that idea because that means less pain in the vagina and I'm already getting abdominal incisions anyways.  On the other hand, if there is no real benefit to keeping it then maybe I should just have her take it to avoid possible complications down the road?  My mind is literally about to explode.

Instead of stressing  out over all the anonymous horror stories I'm trying to just look to my mom, sister and friend as reassurance that it will probably work out fine for me too.  Several of my aunts have had this surgery too.  My mom and friend had everything taken out including cervix and ovaries and my sister did the same but kept her ovaries.  My sister said the recovery wasn't that bad and sex hasn't changed for her.  I really want the fibroids gone so I can stop worrying about it but if anything were to go wrong with the surgery it sucks to know that I didn't have to do it in the first place.  I don't want to regret this but I'm really tired of worrying about and hating my fibroids.

I went over everything with the doctor at my pre op appointment on Friday.  It's a go.  I'm doing this, but I'm also very terrified and have thought about backing out.  I've never had surgery before.  I'm afraid of the pain.  I'm afraid of complications.  I'm afraid of what sex will be like afterwards.  I won't be able to exercise for a while and I don't want to have to take two or more weeks off.  Not that I love my job that much it's just that I hate to use up all those sick hours and get behind in my work. 

Then there is the fertility issue.  We aren't having kids.  My husband absolutely does not want them and I never really ever did either.  I mainly just thought people were crazy for wanting their body and life taken over by kids.  It's not until recently that I started getting baby cravings now and then and began to see why people even want kids in the first place.  Part of that could just be because everybody and their damn mother is doing it right now.  All of our friends are pregnant or already have one.  Some of them are working on their second.  If everyone else is doing it then it can't be that bad right?  I feel left out.  Realistically, I don't feel like we can afford them nor do I feel like I have the energy for it.  There is so much work involved and I don't function well without sleep.  I can see the joy in having children that I couldn't before but at the same time I don't want to have to work full time and be a mom (which I would have to) nor do I want to have to spend $800 per month on child care.  I can't even imagine where the money would come from.  There would be no vacations and probably not a dime of extra money at the end of the month.  My co worker is due next month and it could be years and years before she ever takes another vacation and they are literally going to be busting at the seams in their small apartment but they can't afford to do anything about it.  She's going to have to take 2 weeks unpaid leave and then when she gets back she has no paid time off at all.  I can't imagine getting up early to get the kid to day care, working all day, getting the kid, then coming home to take care of the kid plus try to fit in anything else I need to do like fixing dinner and the gym.  Relaxing and sleeping are just a bonus if you are lucky.  It's all just so exhausting and expensive.

Plus, with fibroids it could make getting pregnant or carrying a child really painful or even impossible.  I'm also older.  More unknowns.  I'm 99.5% certain that even without this surgery we would never have kids.  I'd just continue to take birth control until I finally hit menopause.  So why do I feel sad about accelerating that process?  If I don't  want kids why would I feel sad about losing the ability to have them?  How does that even make sense.  It's just weird to know for certain once and for all that I will never be a mother.  I mean, I know that and I don't really want them anyways but it feels different to know that it's medically impossible.  And now I've started thinking about dying alone in my old age because I don't have kids or grand kids to love me and look in on me.  It'll just be me and my husband for the long haul until one of us passes away.  Morbid, morbid thoughts!!!  All of it, but I can't help thinking of every single angle.

My emotions and my mind is all over the place.  I just want this to be over.