Pre Op Fears

My hysterectomy surgery is scheduled for next Friday! Oh my gosh, am I ever freaking out.  I tend to obsess over everything so of course this is no different.  I have been on the internet all week reading up on it which is very bad because there are all kinds of horrible horror stories.  There are also positive stories but it's the negative ones that are psyching me out.

The biggest thing I have an issue with is the fact that this surgery is not medically necessary.  I will not die if I don't do it but technically I could if I do as there is always a risk with any surgery.  I'm lucky that I don't HAVE to do this and that I don't have any major symptoms from my fibroids.  I have pelvic pressure that is bothersome and a protruding belly but my day to day life is not really impacted.  My uterus is at least the size of one that is 12 weeks pregnant.  Sometimes it looks like there is an alien in my belly trying to poke it's head through.  Having serious body image issues makes this very upsetting for me.  Every time I look at my belly I'm disgusted and I don't want to live with them.  On the other hand I feel really vain for risking surgery to get rid of them.  There are people out there who do boob jobs and all kind of totally purely cosmetic surgery every day.  I wonder if they have these same thoughts? 

There are just so many questions and no real definitive answers out there.  If I just had the fibroids removed and kept the uterus that surgery is very bloody, there is a very good chance they would grow back and then I might have to have a hysterectomy anyways or just live with it if I didn't want to do another surgery.  It's possible that if I leave them alone they could continue to grow but it's also possible that they may not.  It's possible that they will shrink at menopause but it's also possible that they may not.  It's possible that they may never cause me any more problems but it's also possible that they will and at that point it might be too late to do it laparascopically through small incisions versus having to be sliced open through the abdomen.  Sex might never be the same but it could be better.  I'm definitely keeping my ovaries but then you have to decide if you want to keep your cervix or not.  I would not have even known that were it not for all of my extensive research because my doctor didn't necessarily ask.  She was just going to remove it.  I kind of wish I didn't even know it was an option now because that's just one more decision.  There are pros, cons and all kinds of inconclusive research on that too.  If I keep it I could continue to have spotting every month and I'll have to keep getting yearly paps but there is less cutting away.  If I don't keep it then it may or may not make a difference sexually.  My gut tells me to just keep as much of my organs as possible.  My doctor is okay with either.  If I do keep it then the surgery will all be 100% laparascopic and nothing will come out of the vagina.  I like that idea because that means less pain in the vagina and I'm already getting abdominal incisions anyways.  On the other hand, if there is no real benefit to keeping it then maybe I should just have her take it to avoid possible complications down the road?  My mind is literally about to explode.

Instead of stressing  out over all the anonymous horror stories I'm trying to just look to my mom, sister and friend as reassurance that it will probably work out fine for me too.  Several of my aunts have had this surgery too.  My mom and friend had everything taken out including cervix and ovaries and my sister did the same but kept her ovaries.  My sister said the recovery wasn't that bad and sex hasn't changed for her.  I really want the fibroids gone so I can stop worrying about it but if anything were to go wrong with the surgery it sucks to know that I didn't have to do it in the first place.  I don't want to regret this but I'm really tired of worrying about and hating my fibroids.

I went over everything with the doctor at my pre op appointment on Friday.  It's a go.  I'm doing this, but I'm also very terrified and have thought about backing out.  I've never had surgery before.  I'm afraid of the pain.  I'm afraid of complications.  I'm afraid of what sex will be like afterwards.  I won't be able to exercise for a while and I don't want to have to take two or more weeks off.  Not that I love my job that much it's just that I hate to use up all those sick hours and get behind in my work. 

Then there is the fertility issue.  We aren't having kids.  My husband absolutely does not want them and I never really ever did either.  I mainly just thought people were crazy for wanting their body and life taken over by kids.  It's not until recently that I started getting baby cravings now and then and began to see why people even want kids in the first place.  Part of that could just be because everybody and their damn mother is doing it right now.  All of our friends are pregnant or already have one.  Some of them are working on their second.  If everyone else is doing it then it can't be that bad right?  I feel left out.  Realistically, I don't feel like we can afford them nor do I feel like I have the energy for it.  There is so much work involved and I don't function well without sleep.  I can see the joy in having children that I couldn't before but at the same time I don't want to have to work full time and be a mom (which I would have to) nor do I want to have to spend $800 per month on child care.  I can't even imagine where the money would come from.  There would be no vacations and probably not a dime of extra money at the end of the month.  My co worker is due next month and it could be years and years before she ever takes another vacation and they are literally going to be busting at the seams in their small apartment but they can't afford to do anything about it.  She's going to have to take 2 weeks unpaid leave and then when she gets back she has no paid time off at all.  I can't imagine getting up early to get the kid to day care, working all day, getting the kid, then coming home to take care of the kid plus try to fit in anything else I need to do like fixing dinner and the gym.  Relaxing and sleeping are just a bonus if you are lucky.  It's all just so exhausting and expensive.

Plus, with fibroids it could make getting pregnant or carrying a child really painful or even impossible.  I'm also older.  More unknowns.  I'm 99.5% certain that even without this surgery we would never have kids.  I'd just continue to take birth control until I finally hit menopause.  So why do I feel sad about accelerating that process?  If I don't  want kids why would I feel sad about losing the ability to have them?  How does that even make sense.  It's just weird to know for certain once and for all that I will never be a mother.  I mean, I know that and I don't really want them anyways but it feels different to know that it's medically impossible.  And now I've started thinking about dying alone in my old age because I don't have kids or grand kids to love me and look in on me.  It'll just be me and my husband for the long haul until one of us passes away.  Morbid, morbid thoughts!!!  All of it, but I can't help thinking of every single angle.

My emotions and my mind is all over the place.  I just want this to be over.