After much internal debate I decided to have surgery on my shoulder. Torn rotator cuff sometime over the summer of 2016 turned super painful by November of that year and only got worse. By August of 2017 my shoulder was frozen. I was still in a lot of pain in November, but it tapered off by January or so. I didn't want to "wait and see" for another two years so I opted for manipulation under anesthesia with possible scope if needed.
I got checked in really quickly. The IV went in easy. Just a pinch. I didn't look. The nurse taped it up really well and I didn't feel it much after that. Anesthesiologist came by to let me know I'd be getting a nerve block. He came with the shot, I felt the effects of the drugs that were meant to relax me and I don't remember anything after that. They put some drugs in my IV that basically knocked me out until I was in recovery. I have no recollection of getting the big shot in my neck (thank goodness) or of my husband coming back to see me before they took me away. I don't remember being wheeled to the operating room, or even my surgeon coming back afterwards to check on me and give post op instructions to my husband. My husband says I was awake and chatting a bit, but I don't remember at all. I was glad to find out that they didn't have to go in with a scope. The scar tissue was broken up by aggressively moving my arm. He was able to get the movement he needed without cutting it with tiny scissors. I dozed in and out of consciousness or sleep; not sure which, until I was ready to leave the hospital. According to my husband I was only in the OR for about 30 minutes, but it took me about 2 1/2 hours to come out of anesthesia. I barely remember getting dressed. My husband took me to the bathroom before we left. I don't remember him stopping to get me a peanut butter shake, but I do remember the Wendy's drive through for french fries. There are patches of time that I have no memory of. He says I fell asleep, but I don't remember falling asleep. I ate some fries and drank some of the shake while I was in bed. When I woke up my arm was basically paralyzed. It was a useless dangling appendage that I had to hold onto to keep from slipping out of the sling. I could barely move my fingers before I went to sleep and when I woke up I couldn't even do that. My brain was telling my fingers to move, but they wouldn't. It was like my arm wasn't part of my body and belonged to someone else. There was no pain. Mostly just this numbness gripping my arm and fingers. It was numb but I was very aware that it was there.
That night my husband told me that the doctor moved my arm in all directions, showing him the unrestricted movement, but I didn't remember. I wanted to see it for myself so that night I asked my husband to move my arm for me up, down and to the side. I was thrilled to see my arm move further than I've ever seen it move for a long time. It froze in September, but prior to that severe pain stopped me from moving it very far.
For some reason the Vicodin that sent me into a woozy, lightheaded, nauseated state but didn't put me to sleep. I was so tired, but I spent most of the night playing with my fingers, and didn't sleep much. They felt fat and floppy; as if they were going to turn black and fall off due to loss of circulation, but it was just the nerve block working.When I woke up feeling had returned to all but my thumb and forefinger. I was up about 4 lbs on the scale, and almost passed out from the Vicodin while trying to eat my breakfast. I felt super sick, like I'd throw up. My husband led me over the the couch to lay down. I was clammy and breathing fast, so he got a wet rag for my head. I basically just had to wait for it to pass. I had a wth did I do moment of regret when the pain started to kick in. When it was frozen there wasn't much pain, but now I was back to barely being able to lift it. Reaching my right arm across to shave my left arm pit was barely possible. I had to hold the razor with my fingertips to reach. My arm no longer moved the way it did the night before when it was paralyzed.
Riding in the car to physical therapy was painful. I braced myself for the speed bumps. Needless to say, Physical Therapy was not fun. I took another Vicodin later that day and it knocked me out again with fuzzy limbs and slight nausea.
Four days is a little too soon to be discouraged, but I have a really long way to go before my shoulder mobility is even close to normal. I had visions of waking up with full mobility, but that's not the way it works. My tissues have undergone severe trauma. I made the decision to medically intervene, and now I have to do the therapy to make it work.
Showing posts with label 137. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 137. Show all posts
Friday, June 8, 2018
Friday, February 2, 2018
State of the Union
I owe the few of you who are still reading an update. Big time. I am not drawn to this space to write like I used to be so there are bigger gaps between posts and by the time I do post so much has transpired that I don't even know where to start.
I'm not getting divorced.
There are no guarantees for the future, but after my husband left it basically went down like this. I refused to contact him because he's the one who said he wasn't happy with me. He texted me sporadically during that time. Maybe twice that first week, about random stuff. I always replied, but never initiated contact. This went on for two weeks. I cried every single day for 10 days straight during that time and was absolutely miserable. I felt like my life were being torn apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I cried at work. I cried when I went for my walk breaks. I cried in the car. I cried a lot, and yet no one would have never known there was a thing wrong because that's what you have to do in life. You can't fall apart even when you are. The show must go on.
I questioned everything we did together for the last two years. I read through my old blog posts, stalked his Facebook profile, combed over our text communications, and studied his face in old pictures. I felt like our relationship was a lie, and I went backwards looking for clues. What's crazy is how surprised he would act when I would say that I felt insecure in the relationship. Why did he act so surprised when I said I felt insecure in the relationship, when he himself wasn't even happy? Hard as he tried to pretend I could feel it. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't talk about it for the first few days. I just kept it inside and dealt with it, but I finally told my mom that Wednesday. God love that woman. Most people think we have the best relationship and that everything is perfect. I needed to talk, and she was the only person I felt I could talk to about it. She was shocked. I too was shocked. I mean, I knew that things didn't feel quite right since at least August 2016, but I didn't realize it was this bad.
One weekend went by without Face Time, but he was out of town. He sent a few pics from his trip. He called me the following Saturday on Face Time and acted as if nothing happened. He said, well you could have called me. He had completely forgotten that I said I wasn't going to. We had a regular conversation. We talked about regular things, and the discussion that nearly gutted me was not mentioned. So, the next day I texted him and asked him to call me before his team played. He called and I said that I'd hoped he would bring it up, but since he didn't I would like to know how he is feeling about everything because after what we talked about we can't pretend like it never happened. He basically said he felt better after we spoke that night before he left. I was like no duh. I always feel better when I have problems or concerns that I speak to him about. It's common knowledge that communicating has a way of doing that. Of course you feel better! He said he feels okay about everything. He didn't have the second consult with the wellness coach like he intended due to bad weather so there was nothing to say about that. I don't know if or when he would have ever brought it up if I didn't. He just doesn't talk about things, but that needs to change.
I told him that I really need him to ask for what he needs or else I won't know. He understands he has to do a better job of communicating with me and not holding everything in. I said that I would do better at being flexible and not thinking that I'm always right because I know I tend to do that. I think so logically and practically about EVERYTHING that of course I'm right. Right? But my husband's brain doesn't necessarily operate that way. Sometimes I might need to do something that doesn't make sense just because he wants me to. I do my thought process about what makes sense to me and how I think he feel and then I can't see past it. Him not being super communicative in speaking up about his feelings adds fuel to the flames. I think he felt like he couldn't win, no matter what he said about the things that were bothering him. He admitted that he is used to stuffing down his feelings and that he's always been that way. Not just with me, with anyone. He doesn't like to talk about anything "negative" pretty much ever. Bad things just aren't discussed. He didn't know how to say what he had to say, so he said nothing, and felt trapped. That had to feel awful for him. The prospect of discussing something "bad" felt so impossible for him that he would basically throw away 9 years of marriage rather than talk through the issues. I'm not a monster. I'm a reasonable person, and I care about his wants and needs. He can talk to me. We both agreed to do better.
One of the many things I learned from this entire situation is that my husband is so incredibly out of touch with his own feelings. He didn't even understand what it was that he was feeling when he first started to feel unhappy. He is like a little boy when it comes to expressing and articulating his feelings. I knew this already, but I didn't realize how bad it was. Not only does he not communicate his feelings in the first place, when he does his delivery is not that great. He tried, and I'm glad he spoke up, but he basically had me feeling like I should be expecting divorce papers in the mail and I don't really think that is what he necessarily intended. Then afterwards, he basically fled the country and left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart all alone.
So that was over Thanksgiving, and believe it or not we basically did that same trip back east all over again two months later because his other grandmother passed away so he flew out for that funeral in early January. This time around I didn't have to plot my way or beg to go. I wasn't sure how it was all going to go down considering what we just went through a few months ago, but there was no question that I would go. Last time, I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get him to say the words that he wanted me to come with him. He said he felt indifferent. I went anyway, but felt sick to my stomach and pretty upset in the days leading up to the trip because I could feel that he didn't want me there. This time was different. He booked my ticket for me. I didn't feel sick to my stomach leading up to the trip (which was basically only a few days since the ticket was booked just 2 days in advance). Just like last time, the circumstance of the visit was unfortunate, but I enjoyed the time we got to spend together.
I feel myself pulling away from him a bit. It's like, I want to keep myself distant first, so I don't get hurt when he doesn't call or ask how I'm doing or text me back or basically express any interest in me whatsoever. I feel vulnerable; like at anytime the rug could be pulled out from under me. Like, I need to let him come to me. The fact that he said he knew I was really upset after our conversation, and still didn't think to make any contact with me is hurtful. I am so glad that we are going to work on this together, but I still feel very insecure about our relationship. I feel like I can't trust any of his actions to say anything about his feelings for me. He did all the right things even when his heart wasn't in it before, so how can I ever truly know where I stand? I told him I felt like I was on thin ice, and he said don't worry about it. The ice is fine. That's him communicating. The man left in 2016!! I still think we should go to counseling, but we still have more than a few months of a long distance marriage to get through before he comes home for good.
Imagining my life without him and feeling like I'd lost him was terrifying. I kept thinking of all of the wonderful things that I get out of being his wife, but I couldn't help but wonder, what's in it for him?Being loved my him is pretty much one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I am not worthy. If this is the wake up call I need to make myself worthy, then so be it. I will be worthy. I can't lose him.
I'm not getting divorced.
There are no guarantees for the future, but after my husband left it basically went down like this. I refused to contact him because he's the one who said he wasn't happy with me. He texted me sporadically during that time. Maybe twice that first week, about random stuff. I always replied, but never initiated contact. This went on for two weeks. I cried every single day for 10 days straight during that time and was absolutely miserable. I felt like my life were being torn apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I cried at work. I cried when I went for my walk breaks. I cried in the car. I cried a lot, and yet no one would have never known there was a thing wrong because that's what you have to do in life. You can't fall apart even when you are. The show must go on.
I questioned everything we did together for the last two years. I read through my old blog posts, stalked his Facebook profile, combed over our text communications, and studied his face in old pictures. I felt like our relationship was a lie, and I went backwards looking for clues. What's crazy is how surprised he would act when I would say that I felt insecure in the relationship. Why did he act so surprised when I said I felt insecure in the relationship, when he himself wasn't even happy? Hard as he tried to pretend I could feel it. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't talk about it for the first few days. I just kept it inside and dealt with it, but I finally told my mom that Wednesday. God love that woman. Most people think we have the best relationship and that everything is perfect. I needed to talk, and she was the only person I felt I could talk to about it. She was shocked. I too was shocked. I mean, I knew that things didn't feel quite right since at least August 2016, but I didn't realize it was this bad.
One weekend went by without Face Time, but he was out of town. He sent a few pics from his trip. He called me the following Saturday on Face Time and acted as if nothing happened. He said, well you could have called me. He had completely forgotten that I said I wasn't going to. We had a regular conversation. We talked about regular things, and the discussion that nearly gutted me was not mentioned. So, the next day I texted him and asked him to call me before his team played. He called and I said that I'd hoped he would bring it up, but since he didn't I would like to know how he is feeling about everything because after what we talked about we can't pretend like it never happened. He basically said he felt better after we spoke that night before he left. I was like no duh. I always feel better when I have problems or concerns that I speak to him about. It's common knowledge that communicating has a way of doing that. Of course you feel better! He said he feels okay about everything. He didn't have the second consult with the wellness coach like he intended due to bad weather so there was nothing to say about that. I don't know if or when he would have ever brought it up if I didn't. He just doesn't talk about things, but that needs to change.
I told him that I really need him to ask for what he needs or else I won't know. He understands he has to do a better job of communicating with me and not holding everything in. I said that I would do better at being flexible and not thinking that I'm always right because I know I tend to do that. I think so logically and practically about EVERYTHING that of course I'm right. Right? But my husband's brain doesn't necessarily operate that way. Sometimes I might need to do something that doesn't make sense just because he wants me to. I do my thought process about what makes sense to me and how I think he feel and then I can't see past it. Him not being super communicative in speaking up about his feelings adds fuel to the flames. I think he felt like he couldn't win, no matter what he said about the things that were bothering him. He admitted that he is used to stuffing down his feelings and that he's always been that way. Not just with me, with anyone. He doesn't like to talk about anything "negative" pretty much ever. Bad things just aren't discussed. He didn't know how to say what he had to say, so he said nothing, and felt trapped. That had to feel awful for him. The prospect of discussing something "bad" felt so impossible for him that he would basically throw away 9 years of marriage rather than talk through the issues. I'm not a monster. I'm a reasonable person, and I care about his wants and needs. He can talk to me. We both agreed to do better.
One of the many things I learned from this entire situation is that my husband is so incredibly out of touch with his own feelings. He didn't even understand what it was that he was feeling when he first started to feel unhappy. He is like a little boy when it comes to expressing and articulating his feelings. I knew this already, but I didn't realize how bad it was. Not only does he not communicate his feelings in the first place, when he does his delivery is not that great. He tried, and I'm glad he spoke up, but he basically had me feeling like I should be expecting divorce papers in the mail and I don't really think that is what he necessarily intended. Then afterwards, he basically fled the country and left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart all alone.
So that was over Thanksgiving, and believe it or not we basically did that same trip back east all over again two months later because his other grandmother passed away so he flew out for that funeral in early January. This time around I didn't have to plot my way or beg to go. I wasn't sure how it was all going to go down considering what we just went through a few months ago, but there was no question that I would go. Last time, I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get him to say the words that he wanted me to come with him. He said he felt indifferent. I went anyway, but felt sick to my stomach and pretty upset in the days leading up to the trip because I could feel that he didn't want me there. This time was different. He booked my ticket for me. I didn't feel sick to my stomach leading up to the trip (which was basically only a few days since the ticket was booked just 2 days in advance). Just like last time, the circumstance of the visit was unfortunate, but I enjoyed the time we got to spend together.
I feel myself pulling away from him a bit. It's like, I want to keep myself distant first, so I don't get hurt when he doesn't call or ask how I'm doing or text me back or basically express any interest in me whatsoever. I feel vulnerable; like at anytime the rug could be pulled out from under me. Like, I need to let him come to me. The fact that he said he knew I was really upset after our conversation, and still didn't think to make any contact with me is hurtful. I am so glad that we are going to work on this together, but I still feel very insecure about our relationship. I feel like I can't trust any of his actions to say anything about his feelings for me. He did all the right things even when his heart wasn't in it before, so how can I ever truly know where I stand? I told him I felt like I was on thin ice, and he said don't worry about it. The ice is fine. That's him communicating. The man left in 2016!! I still think we should go to counseling, but we still have more than a few months of a long distance marriage to get through before he comes home for good.
Imagining my life without him and feeling like I'd lost him was terrifying. I kept thinking of all of the wonderful things that I get out of being his wife, but I couldn't help but wonder, what's in it for him?Being loved my him is pretty much one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I am not worthy. If this is the wake up call I need to make myself worthy, then so be it. I will be worthy. I can't lose him.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Consistency Over Time
I'm down a total of 6 lbs since January and I'd call it a miracle except that is not a lot of weight for four months, and I know how damn hard I had to work for it. My body is damn stubborn that is for sure. No wonder I resorted to starving all those many many years ago in order to lose weight. Starving is so much easier than this! Certainly not healthier, and that is why it quit working for me. Eating 1k wasn't cutting it anymore. I dropped to 800 and still it wasn't cutting anymore and eating less than that was not gonna work long term either. My body said, uh uh. I'm not letting you do this anymore. I bottomed out.
For two years I've been fighting a serious battle of the bulge. I always told myself that I could never, ever under any circumstances allow myself to become fat, but that was exactly what was happening and I was powerless to stop it. Despite my best efforts nothing worked. My body was determined to punish me for what I had done, but I should consider myself lucky that it wasn't worse considering all I put it through. It kept going and doing everything I needed it to do; except lose weight. I could do cardio until my heart burst out of my chest. I could liquid juice fast for five days. I could give up all processed foods, sugar, grains, dairy, and basically just about everything but meat, veggies and fruit for 30 days. I could cry and weigh myself a million times, but my body would not allow me to drop weight until I did what I should have done all along.
Eat.
Consistently eat well balanced meals with a sufficient amount of calories and macro nutrients. Do not skimp on protein. Do not eat what you think is enough calories, but probably a macro nutrient mess during the week only to skip meals on the weekends. Do not skip a single meal or snack for a single day, because you cannot get away with it. Your metabolism will know exactly what's going on an hang onto everything you put in your mouth thereafter and add pounds to the scale when you exercise for good measure. It took a while to get it through my thick skull, but I'm finally doing exactly what my body expects me to do. Nourish, not punish; and finally my body has started to yield. For almost seven weeks my weight would not budge. Not even an ounce, but after that fairly quickly I dropped three pounds and it has been extremely slow and mostly steady ever since. It's not linear and I am still addicted to daily weigh ins. I may drop to a new low and then never see it again for a while, but over time the lows are getting lower and the highs are getting lower. It freaks me out, but it's much better than the dreaded lows getting higher and highs getting higher that has gone on for the last two years.
I waited 2 1/2 months before I allowed myself a single cheat. More recently I have started allowing one cheat meal and one cheat desert a week, but I am going to start calling them treats instead of cheats because I'm not doing anything wrong. So far, there has only been one day where I was totally off plan and that was because my husband and I spent a night away from home. I skipped a cheat meal, so I could save that day for the cheat and then as soon as we got back I was right back on it. I've been really surprised by the way my body reacts to higher than normal calories. Before, I literally would blow up if I had a treat meal. My body was desperate to hold onto everything, but now it's not such a big deal. If it goes up, it's not much, and I've even had the scale go down afterwards. That would never have happened before.
Consistency over time.
I got past the wanting to quit phase at the end of April (around week 21 BBG) and now it is just part of my routine. I am stronger. My endurance is better than ever. Cardio sessions used to be torture, but lately once my legs get pumping there is no pain, no cramps, and I feel like I could keep going forever. The endorphin high is real. You just have to be strong enough to get there. I'm on Bikini Body Guide 2.0 week 22 of 24. For those of you who don't know Bikini Body Guide 1.0 is 1-12 weeks. I did that one last year, so for this round of BBG that makes 10 weeks down!! I can't believe I'm almost done.
Patience.
One of the things that stands out the most is just how hard it is to get back even to the weight I was just a year ago. It was still too high and I hated it, but now it is a struggle just to get there. Oddly enough, my body looks better now then it did before at this weight. It was always easier for me to cut calories, until it wasn't. Even exercise wasn't working. My body was fighting me so much in every way. Probably because my diet still wasn't quite right; the pounds wouldn't come off and I gave up. I finally understand that this is what it takes. It's only six pounds but I worked so hard for them. I am terrified every time I step on the scale of gaining it back because I have waited so long for this. Six pounds lost for me is not just six pounds. It's two years of uncontrollable weight gain, emotional distress, bouts of manic exercise and dieting + four months of sweaty five day a week intense workouts, sore muscles, and near perfect nutrition. I have skipped exactly one workout and not a single meal.
I've been in the worst shape of my life these last two years. The fat hoarding, your metabolism is ruined kind of weight is different. It made my body sloppy. I wasn't fat, but the layer of fat that had settled all over my body made my stomach rounder, my hips and thighs wider, and the muffin top situation out of control. I hadn't ever really experienced straight up sloppy before, or known what it was like to actually need to lose some weight or tone up. I was thick and muscular when all of this madness began. I didn't really need to lose weight, but I desperately wanted to and so began the quest to be skinny. I made it. I was skinny for a really long time, but I never needed to lose weight, until after I became a skinnie minnie and had to gain it back.
The number on the scale is finally starting to catch up to the physical changes I see in my body. After the first eight weeks of diet and exercise the boobs were the first to go. Gone! I have no boobs, but I never cared about them anyway. My stomach got flatter. Mind you, it was always flat and I still had abs, it had just gained a bit of extra thickness. There was no change after the 3rd month of exercise (March BBG 13-16), or even mid 4th month (April BBG 17-20) but sometime towards the end of April, the sliver of space between my thighs started to make a comeback. Not knees to crotch, and maybe it will never get there again, but knees to mid thigh is a good start. My body fat has dropped 2%! It doesn't happen over night, and it still feels impossible, but I'm nothing if not determined and disciplined when it comes to this.
I still can't fit comfortably into the skinny clothes I won't let go of, but the fat clothes I bought have definitely loosened up. That's three pairs of jeans, one pair of denim capris, and three pairs of shorts. That's what I've been working with. I didn't want to buy much more, because I refused to accept that size. Other than that, I still get by with skirts, dresses and leggings. I have no illusions. I look and feel much better, but at 137 lbs I'm still not skinny. I have a ways to go and yet I have no idea how far I can go.
My knees have had a few issues, but have been holding up and recovering pretty well after intense circuits or cardio allowing me to keep up with the workouts until now. My right knee is acting up. The fluid and tightness is in the back, and it hasn't gone away like it usually will with a few lighter days. Leg day is usually Sunday. I did the hardest leg circuit so far a little over a week ago and I must have pushed too hard because all that week it felt tight. This week I skipped Sunday legs and went straight to abs and arms. It was better, but not totally well and I could feel it, but did my leg circuit anyway, because I was feeling fat from lack of serious cardio. Instead of running on the treadmill I walked the next day. I walked so slow that a walk I do in 30 minutes took me an hour and still, it doesn't feel right. This week was supposed to be four circuits, but I only did three. Today is my normal rest day and I'm supposed to do the Total Body circuit tomorrow, but I think I'm going to do something I've only done one time all year. Take two rest days in a row. That's only four workouts this week instead of my usual five but if I don't rest the knee it won't get better. I've been icing it, and foam rolling it. I also ordered a heating pad that should be here tomorrow. I really wanted to go hard these last few weeks. I'll probably save legs for later in the week and fingers crossed that it will feel better next week.
For two years I've been fighting a serious battle of the bulge. I always told myself that I could never, ever under any circumstances allow myself to become fat, but that was exactly what was happening and I was powerless to stop it. Despite my best efforts nothing worked. My body was determined to punish me for what I had done, but I should consider myself lucky that it wasn't worse considering all I put it through. It kept going and doing everything I needed it to do; except lose weight. I could do cardio until my heart burst out of my chest. I could liquid juice fast for five days. I could give up all processed foods, sugar, grains, dairy, and basically just about everything but meat, veggies and fruit for 30 days. I could cry and weigh myself a million times, but my body would not allow me to drop weight until I did what I should have done all along.
Eat.
Consistently eat well balanced meals with a sufficient amount of calories and macro nutrients. Do not skimp on protein. Do not eat what you think is enough calories, but probably a macro nutrient mess during the week only to skip meals on the weekends. Do not skip a single meal or snack for a single day, because you cannot get away with it. Your metabolism will know exactly what's going on an hang onto everything you put in your mouth thereafter and add pounds to the scale when you exercise for good measure. It took a while to get it through my thick skull, but I'm finally doing exactly what my body expects me to do. Nourish, not punish; and finally my body has started to yield. For almost seven weeks my weight would not budge. Not even an ounce, but after that fairly quickly I dropped three pounds and it has been extremely slow and mostly steady ever since. It's not linear and I am still addicted to daily weigh ins. I may drop to a new low and then never see it again for a while, but over time the lows are getting lower and the highs are getting lower. It freaks me out, but it's much better than the dreaded lows getting higher and highs getting higher that has gone on for the last two years.
I waited 2 1/2 months before I allowed myself a single cheat. More recently I have started allowing one cheat meal and one cheat desert a week, but I am going to start calling them treats instead of cheats because I'm not doing anything wrong. So far, there has only been one day where I was totally off plan and that was because my husband and I spent a night away from home. I skipped a cheat meal, so I could save that day for the cheat and then as soon as we got back I was right back on it. I've been really surprised by the way my body reacts to higher than normal calories. Before, I literally would blow up if I had a treat meal. My body was desperate to hold onto everything, but now it's not such a big deal. If it goes up, it's not much, and I've even had the scale go down afterwards. That would never have happened before.
Consistency over time.
I got past the wanting to quit phase at the end of April (around week 21 BBG) and now it is just part of my routine. I am stronger. My endurance is better than ever. Cardio sessions used to be torture, but lately once my legs get pumping there is no pain, no cramps, and I feel like I could keep going forever. The endorphin high is real. You just have to be strong enough to get there. I'm on Bikini Body Guide 2.0 week 22 of 24. For those of you who don't know Bikini Body Guide 1.0 is 1-12 weeks. I did that one last year, so for this round of BBG that makes 10 weeks down!! I can't believe I'm almost done.
Patience.
One of the things that stands out the most is just how hard it is to get back even to the weight I was just a year ago. It was still too high and I hated it, but now it is a struggle just to get there. Oddly enough, my body looks better now then it did before at this weight. It was always easier for me to cut calories, until it wasn't. Even exercise wasn't working. My body was fighting me so much in every way. Probably because my diet still wasn't quite right; the pounds wouldn't come off and I gave up. I finally understand that this is what it takes. It's only six pounds but I worked so hard for them. I am terrified every time I step on the scale of gaining it back because I have waited so long for this. Six pounds lost for me is not just six pounds. It's two years of uncontrollable weight gain, emotional distress, bouts of manic exercise and dieting + four months of sweaty five day a week intense workouts, sore muscles, and near perfect nutrition. I have skipped exactly one workout and not a single meal.
I've been in the worst shape of my life these last two years. The fat hoarding, your metabolism is ruined kind of weight is different. It made my body sloppy. I wasn't fat, but the layer of fat that had settled all over my body made my stomach rounder, my hips and thighs wider, and the muffin top situation out of control. I hadn't ever really experienced straight up sloppy before, or known what it was like to actually need to lose some weight or tone up. I was thick and muscular when all of this madness began. I didn't really need to lose weight, but I desperately wanted to and so began the quest to be skinny. I made it. I was skinny for a really long time, but I never needed to lose weight, until after I became a skinnie minnie and had to gain it back.
The number on the scale is finally starting to catch up to the physical changes I see in my body. After the first eight weeks of diet and exercise the boobs were the first to go. Gone! I have no boobs, but I never cared about them anyway. My stomach got flatter. Mind you, it was always flat and I still had abs, it had just gained a bit of extra thickness. There was no change after the 3rd month of exercise (March BBG 13-16), or even mid 4th month (April BBG 17-20) but sometime towards the end of April, the sliver of space between my thighs started to make a comeback. Not knees to crotch, and maybe it will never get there again, but knees to mid thigh is a good start. My body fat has dropped 2%! It doesn't happen over night, and it still feels impossible, but I'm nothing if not determined and disciplined when it comes to this.
I still can't fit comfortably into the skinny clothes I won't let go of, but the fat clothes I bought have definitely loosened up. That's three pairs of jeans, one pair of denim capris, and three pairs of shorts. That's what I've been working with. I didn't want to buy much more, because I refused to accept that size. Other than that, I still get by with skirts, dresses and leggings. I have no illusions. I look and feel much better, but at 137 lbs I'm still not skinny. I have a ways to go and yet I have no idea how far I can go.
My knees have had a few issues, but have been holding up and recovering pretty well after intense circuits or cardio allowing me to keep up with the workouts until now. My right knee is acting up. The fluid and tightness is in the back, and it hasn't gone away like it usually will with a few lighter days. Leg day is usually Sunday. I did the hardest leg circuit so far a little over a week ago and I must have pushed too hard because all that week it felt tight. This week I skipped Sunday legs and went straight to abs and arms. It was better, but not totally well and I could feel it, but did my leg circuit anyway, because I was feeling fat from lack of serious cardio. Instead of running on the treadmill I walked the next day. I walked so slow that a walk I do in 30 minutes took me an hour and still, it doesn't feel right. This week was supposed to be four circuits, but I only did three. Today is my normal rest day and I'm supposed to do the Total Body circuit tomorrow, but I think I'm going to do something I've only done one time all year. Take two rest days in a row. That's only four workouts this week instead of my usual five but if I don't rest the knee it won't get better. I've been icing it, and foam rolling it. I also ordered a heating pad that should be here tomorrow. I really wanted to go hard these last few weeks. I'll probably save legs for later in the week and fingers crossed that it will feel better next week.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Life Update
Weight
I'm holding steady at between 134-137. I only see 136-137 if I haven't been eating enough and 134 was a new recent low. My weight still shoots higher the less I eat. I'm trying to maintain a healthy intake but it's hard because I just can't seem to get enough food unless I eat out. I know that my lunch is pathetic as it's the same one I've had even since my disordered days but I'm just too lazy and/or cheap to figure out anything else. By the time dinner rolls around 4 oz of chicken breast, rice and veggies is a drop in the bucket and I end up eating toast or whatever else healthy I can get my hands on to get rid of the hunger. If I can get rid of the hunger then I know that my body has gotten enough food and my weight won't rise. It's so bizarre. I seriously need to see if I can pull off two weeks straight of solid eating and see what happens. The most I seem to be able to do is about five days in a row eating out. Eating out is expensive and loaded with sodium even if it is healthy so that's not a long term solution. I need to figure out how to replicate that 'eating out' fullness at home and what it comes down to is that I just need more food and it's going to be really expensive to feed me what I actually need. I REALLY hope my metabolism settles down at some point so I don't feel like I have to stuff my face to maintain. Once I hit that point I could potentially, lose but until then the best I can hope for is to maintain.
Food
Aside from generally not getting enough of it I feel as though I'm in a good place regarding my relationship with food. I have to eat it so I do. If I want a treat I have one. I don't deny myself anything nor do I obsess over eating anything. I have an overall healthy take on eating. When we get take out and eat at home I gravitate towards the healthier options although we will get pizza occasionally. That's just what I want to eat more of on a daily basis. When we dine out I'm more likely to splurge and get the burger and fries or Pizza although, I'm also good with a giant salad or a steak. I don't feel like a food addict anymore. Food is fuel and it's enjoyable and it's just something that I don't agonize over anymore beyond whether or not I'm getting enough. I am still sticking with 1,500 at the minimum ideally much more or else my body (and the scale) is quick to tell me it's not enough. I still track everything, weigh foods when I'm at home and weigh every single day. The latest thing since last week is that I'm constantly starving. All. The. Time. Unless I eat a really large meal. I wake up ravenous, eat breakfast and before too long I'm hungry again. After I eat dinner I am usually hungry. I go for the healthy options to try to kill the hunger. I'm assuming if I'm this hungry my body needs it and that ignoring it will further piss off my metabolism.
Body Image
Ugh. It's up and down. Some days I look like the biggest whale and others I think I'm not doing so bad. It's cold and I have some new jeans but I can't fit into my work pants and I'm not ready to buy any yet so I've been shopping for long tunic tops that I can wear with leggings. I used to be skinny enough to get away with shirts that just barely covered the booty but not so much anymore now that I have a little junk in the trunk. I need true tunics that don't shrink down too much after washing. I'll still be wearing dresses and maxi's that transition okay to colder weather but I needed pants options too. I've ordered things online but I barely have room to stuff them in my closet. Closet cleansing is definitely on my agenda for Christmas Break. I'm a hoarder but I'm tired of my bulging closet and ready to get rid of tops I don't wear. I'm pretty sure I will be hanging onto pants and jeans that don't fit as I'm not ready to give up on them yet.
Marriage
My husband is still hopelessly addicted to Destiny and I'm still hopelessly obsessed with him. When I last wrote I was feeling extremely flat and mostly annoyed with him because of his gaming and being such a slob. Since then I'm all goo goo ga ga over him again. He is trying to cut down on playing time, but he still plays every single day. I don't think he's missed a day since I last wrote and often it's for hours and hours on end. Every time I come home from work that's what he's doing. He claims he is going to start working out this week and I honestly don't know how he'll fit it in considering Destiny is practically like a part time job. Maybe even full time. He plays a lot. Some nights he'll even say he's going to be done for the night but then still have to go back and play because he didn't earn enough money or some crap. I went to his work lunch the other day and when I saw the guy that got him hooked on Destiny I wanted to slap him. Our life was just fine before that damn game. I'm doing my best to cope and not be a total bitch about it but sometimes I'm just so pissed that he ever started playing it. He's even asked for his own room. He claims it's because he would like to have one place that can be totally messy without me fussing at him but I wonder if it is really about Destiny.
Skin
Disaster. I have this weird thing where every few years or so I get terrible cystic acne and I can't do anything about it. I just have to let it run it's course. The first time it happened was 2004-2005, then it happened again in 2008-2009 and this time around it's been going on since around July/August. I usually have perfect skin so it's pretty distressing and embarrassing. I don't hide it under make up because I'm not a fan of wearing make up very much and putting it on top of acne feels awful. I wasn't fighting it at all at first (because in the past nothing ever worked) but it got really, really bad. I think this is the worst bout, so my mom bought me a acne cleansing scrub, I got some expensive salicylic acne pads and I've had two facials. Every tine it started to seem to better it would just get bad again but it seems to be finally getting better. It looks like I will have some acne discoloration to deal with so I also bought a $90 vitamin A cream(using a gift card).
Work
I'm so over it. Today is my last day of work until January 5th and I've been incredibly tired for the last few days so I'm barely hanging in there. Yesterday I was so tired and lethargic for no reason at all. Just tired. I take sleeping pills Sun-Thurs so I can get up for work and usually sleep okay on the weekends so I don't know what is up.
I'm holding steady at between 134-137. I only see 136-137 if I haven't been eating enough and 134 was a new recent low. My weight still shoots higher the less I eat. I'm trying to maintain a healthy intake but it's hard because I just can't seem to get enough food unless I eat out. I know that my lunch is pathetic as it's the same one I've had even since my disordered days but I'm just too lazy and/or cheap to figure out anything else. By the time dinner rolls around 4 oz of chicken breast, rice and veggies is a drop in the bucket and I end up eating toast or whatever else healthy I can get my hands on to get rid of the hunger. If I can get rid of the hunger then I know that my body has gotten enough food and my weight won't rise. It's so bizarre. I seriously need to see if I can pull off two weeks straight of solid eating and see what happens. The most I seem to be able to do is about five days in a row eating out. Eating out is expensive and loaded with sodium even if it is healthy so that's not a long term solution. I need to figure out how to replicate that 'eating out' fullness at home and what it comes down to is that I just need more food and it's going to be really expensive to feed me what I actually need. I REALLY hope my metabolism settles down at some point so I don't feel like I have to stuff my face to maintain. Once I hit that point I could potentially, lose but until then the best I can hope for is to maintain.
Food
Aside from generally not getting enough of it I feel as though I'm in a good place regarding my relationship with food. I have to eat it so I do. If I want a treat I have one. I don't deny myself anything nor do I obsess over eating anything. I have an overall healthy take on eating. When we get take out and eat at home I gravitate towards the healthier options although we will get pizza occasionally. That's just what I want to eat more of on a daily basis. When we dine out I'm more likely to splurge and get the burger and fries or Pizza although, I'm also good with a giant salad or a steak. I don't feel like a food addict anymore. Food is fuel and it's enjoyable and it's just something that I don't agonize over anymore beyond whether or not I'm getting enough. I am still sticking with 1,500 at the minimum ideally much more or else my body (and the scale) is quick to tell me it's not enough. I still track everything, weigh foods when I'm at home and weigh every single day. The latest thing since last week is that I'm constantly starving. All. The. Time. Unless I eat a really large meal. I wake up ravenous, eat breakfast and before too long I'm hungry again. After I eat dinner I am usually hungry. I go for the healthy options to try to kill the hunger. I'm assuming if I'm this hungry my body needs it and that ignoring it will further piss off my metabolism.
Body Image
Ugh. It's up and down. Some days I look like the biggest whale and others I think I'm not doing so bad. It's cold and I have some new jeans but I can't fit into my work pants and I'm not ready to buy any yet so I've been shopping for long tunic tops that I can wear with leggings. I used to be skinny enough to get away with shirts that just barely covered the booty but not so much anymore now that I have a little junk in the trunk. I need true tunics that don't shrink down too much after washing. I'll still be wearing dresses and maxi's that transition okay to colder weather but I needed pants options too. I've ordered things online but I barely have room to stuff them in my closet. Closet cleansing is definitely on my agenda for Christmas Break. I'm a hoarder but I'm tired of my bulging closet and ready to get rid of tops I don't wear. I'm pretty sure I will be hanging onto pants and jeans that don't fit as I'm not ready to give up on them yet.
Marriage
My husband is still hopelessly addicted to Destiny and I'm still hopelessly obsessed with him. When I last wrote I was feeling extremely flat and mostly annoyed with him because of his gaming and being such a slob. Since then I'm all goo goo ga ga over him again. He is trying to cut down on playing time, but he still plays every single day. I don't think he's missed a day since I last wrote and often it's for hours and hours on end. Every time I come home from work that's what he's doing. He claims he is going to start working out this week and I honestly don't know how he'll fit it in considering Destiny is practically like a part time job. Maybe even full time. He plays a lot. Some nights he'll even say he's going to be done for the night but then still have to go back and play because he didn't earn enough money or some crap. I went to his work lunch the other day and when I saw the guy that got him hooked on Destiny I wanted to slap him. Our life was just fine before that damn game. I'm doing my best to cope and not be a total bitch about it but sometimes I'm just so pissed that he ever started playing it. He's even asked for his own room. He claims it's because he would like to have one place that can be totally messy without me fussing at him but I wonder if it is really about Destiny.
Skin
Disaster. I have this weird thing where every few years or so I get terrible cystic acne and I can't do anything about it. I just have to let it run it's course. The first time it happened was 2004-2005, then it happened again in 2008-2009 and this time around it's been going on since around July/August. I usually have perfect skin so it's pretty distressing and embarrassing. I don't hide it under make up because I'm not a fan of wearing make up very much and putting it on top of acne feels awful. I wasn't fighting it at all at first (because in the past nothing ever worked) but it got really, really bad. I think this is the worst bout, so my mom bought me a acne cleansing scrub, I got some expensive salicylic acne pads and I've had two facials. Every tine it started to seem to better it would just get bad again but it seems to be finally getting better. It looks like I will have some acne discoloration to deal with so I also bought a $90 vitamin A cream(using a gift card).
Work
I'm so over it. Today is my last day of work until January 5th and I've been incredibly tired for the last few days so I'm barely hanging in there. Yesterday I was so tired and lethargic for no reason at all. Just tired. I take sleeping pills Sun-Thurs so I can get up for work and usually sleep okay on the weekends so I don't know what is up.
Monday, October 27, 2014
I'll Never Have the Body I Want
Last week at the gym I saw this girl with an amazing body. She was obviously very fit. Not skinny but fit, slender and strong. There was bicep, quad and ab definition. She was tight all over. When you look at her from the back there were no bits that stuck out to the side. She had narrow hips, a perfect butt and basically the body I wish I had. Right then it struck me that I'm probably never going to have the body I want. I had just gotten to the gym and was already totally unmotivated and then seeing her made me even more unmotivated to work out. What's the point of all of this? I know working out is for your heart too and not just for aesthetics but lets face it looks is a big part of why a lot of people do it including myself. You go to the gym with hopes of improving your body. It makes every work out that you didn't feel like doing and every sweaty mile worth it. You may not look the way you wish you did now but you have hope so you keep on going back.
That day I realized that no matter what I do I will probably never have the body that will make me stop hating it. I went for skinny, but no matter how skinny I've been the part of my body that I've always hated the most is my butt/side thigh/saddlebag area. They are not classic saddlebags but in that general area there is a portion that pokes out more than I think it should. Now that I'm trying to accept fit and trim I have a feeling that no matter how much weight I lose or how much weight I lift it's always going to be there because it's part of the way I'm built. I'm the first person to cry fat but I know that my body is fairly fit. I have muscle definition all over and I did manage to tone and lift my butt while I was lifting weights but it's always overshadowed by that one part of my body I detest that will likely never go away. I see that one part and then all I see is fat. Being thin was something that made me feel better about that part and gave me some sense of self validation that I can't seem to find in other ways. The thigh gap on the inside helped to compensate for the bulge on the outside but even then I wasn't happy-because of that part. Now that I'm no longer that thin I focus on that one part even more and feel fat all over.
It's hard to be motivated to exercise when you come home from a long day of work tired and have little hope of ever loving your body anyway. I don't know when I'll be able to lose some weight or if I even should. Now I know that being skinny won't make that problem area disappear. I know I need to work out just to be healthy but I'm in a major slump right now and I don't know when I'm coming out. When I do, I'm going to focus on yoga/pilates and toning exercises to target my problem area. Mostly low impact. I see no point in pushing myself and torturing myself doing things I don't really like especially if it's not going to get me results. I'll also throw in HIIT cardio periodically because it's a good fat burner and we all need some cardio in our life.
For the time being I'm not gonna sweat it. I'm still not working out as much I think I should. I've been lazy but I'm not forcing it right now. I'm just not. When I'm ready to start doing more I will. I also need to learn to love the body I do have but I don't know when that will happen either.
That day I realized that no matter what I do I will probably never have the body that will make me stop hating it. I went for skinny, but no matter how skinny I've been the part of my body that I've always hated the most is my butt/side thigh/saddlebag area. They are not classic saddlebags but in that general area there is a portion that pokes out more than I think it should. Now that I'm trying to accept fit and trim I have a feeling that no matter how much weight I lose or how much weight I lift it's always going to be there because it's part of the way I'm built. I'm the first person to cry fat but I know that my body is fairly fit. I have muscle definition all over and I did manage to tone and lift my butt while I was lifting weights but it's always overshadowed by that one part of my body I detest that will likely never go away. I see that one part and then all I see is fat. Being thin was something that made me feel better about that part and gave me some sense of self validation that I can't seem to find in other ways. The thigh gap on the inside helped to compensate for the bulge on the outside but even then I wasn't happy-because of that part. Now that I'm no longer that thin I focus on that one part even more and feel fat all over.
It's hard to be motivated to exercise when you come home from a long day of work tired and have little hope of ever loving your body anyway. I don't know when I'll be able to lose some weight or if I even should. Now I know that being skinny won't make that problem area disappear. I know I need to work out just to be healthy but I'm in a major slump right now and I don't know when I'm coming out. When I do, I'm going to focus on yoga/pilates and toning exercises to target my problem area. Mostly low impact. I see no point in pushing myself and torturing myself doing things I don't really like especially if it's not going to get me results. I'll also throw in HIIT cardio periodically because it's a good fat burner and we all need some cardio in our life.
For the time being I'm not gonna sweat it. I'm still not working out as much I think I should. I've been lazy but I'm not forcing it right now. I'm just not. When I'm ready to start doing more I will. I also need to learn to love the body I do have but I don't know when that will happen either.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)