The last 2 1/2 years have been really hard. I saw a nutritionist. I did a therapy appointment. I did metabolic testing. I did thyroid testing. I hired a macro coach and started a weight lifting plan (June 2014). I avoided seeing friends, being in pictures, bought bigger clothes, and hid under skirts. There were more meltdowns than I can count.
I spent 2003-2012 starving my body down to size 0. Longer, if you count the years before in which I restricted periodically, but didn't have the willpower to keep it up long term. In 2013 my body started to push back and by 2014 it was all over. I was no longer the skinny girl I had worked so hard to be. It was really hard to accept, and most of the time it still is, but something amazing is happening. I'm having moments where I don't hate my body. At the pool last weekend I critically observed everyone's bodies because I can't help it, and then did not feel embarrassed to walk to the restrooms in front of everyone without a towel. In fact, I felt proud of being the only one there with abs. In January, I was embarrassed to wear spandex to the gym, but last month I ordered three bikini's from Victoria's Secret and actually felt good when I tried them on. In the store, it was awful. I thought those mirrors were supposed to make you want to buy the suits. I wanted to cry, but I bought a pair of bottoms anyway, ordered some online, and when I tried them on at home I was pleasantly surprised. Not to say that there aren't moments where I look in the mirror and shake my head in disgust. Those are still happening. There are bits that show much improvement, but there are still areas that I'm not happy with and that probably won't change, but having positive thoughts mixed in there at this weight is a very big step in the right direction.
I am down 7.4 lbs. It may not be an incredible amount for almost 6 1/2 months of very hard work, but it is a super big deal for me to be down to 135.6, when it took me 8 solid weeks to lose a single pound. Eight weeks of hell! This morning I fit comfortably into my black Rock Star skinnies from Old Navy that I squeezed into for the last time on December 3rd. They were way too tight. I couldn't wear them that night, but I can wear them now. I tried on a few others. One pair was probably still a bit too tight to comfortably wear, but they went on better than they did the last time I tried, and the other three were okay. I probably need a little bit more time to wear them, but I'm getting there.
When I set out to lose weight in January I didn't even know if it was possible, because for two years it was impossible. All I did was gain. I got a macro coach and joined an 8 week challenge but after my failed macro coach/exercise plan of 2014 I was more desperate than hopeful. I had no goal weight, because I had all but given up hope of losing a single pound. Just one pound would have been thrilling. Now that the numbers have finally started to go down I feel hopeful enough, to start thinking about a realistic goal weight. When you document your weight as obsessively as I do and document everything you can go back to almost any day for the last decade and know what you weighed and exactly how you felt about it. I scoured my extensive records and pictures, and came up with this.
02/23/11: 110 All time low, final goal weight (last time at this weight was 2004)
03/24/13: 120's for the last time
11/15/13: 123-125 Last time I fit into size 26's
12/06/13: 126 Maui vacation, still skinny
05/10/14: 128 Can no longer fit into any pants in my entire closet
07/01/14: 130 Mexico vacation, heavier, self conscious about weight gain, but still slim
08/22/14: 139 Can no longer fit into any shorts in my entire closet
09/12/14: 136 NYC trip. Not quite fat (for me), but my middle looks thick and square.
02/09/15: 140 For the first time. FAT. My face is fat in pics, butt & thighs are huge.
06/28/15: 136 Kauai vacation, after 12 weeks BBG 1.0/inches lost, but thick belly & thick in pics
09/15/15: 140 Sedona trip, felt and looked very thick in pics.
01/02/16: 144 All time high. My "fat" clothes are getting too tight.
02/28/16: 140 After 8 week challenge, visibly leaner front/side/rear, and inches/lbs lost.
05/22/16: 136 After 12 weeks BBG 2.0 leaner than after 1st time @same weight. "Fat" jeans loose.
05/11/16: 135 Hit for first time since 2014
110 is unrealistic, unhealthy, and never to be sought after again. 144 is sloppy whale status. Still not fat, but too big for me. I have no idea how low my body is willing to go in a healthy manner, but it needs to be a number that balances my desire to be slim with my desire to be healthy. I don't want to be a slave to exercise. I don't want to destroy my metabolism. I also don't want to weight every single thing that goes into my mouth for the rest of my life. I haven't had a "normal" goal weight or been able to lose weight in so long that this is all new to me right now, but I think that 125-130 might be the sweet spot for me. That gets me back into a lot of my old clothes and keeps me on the "skinny" side, without being unhealthy. I think at 130, the partial thigh gap I have now could maybe, turn into a full one. Certainly by 125. At 130 I probably won't get into all my skinnie minnie clothes, and that is fine. I don't expect to because I was just too tiny, but at 130 more things should start to fit and certainly at 125.
My hard work is finally starting to pay off. It's crazy just how much time it takes when you lose weight the "right" way. I had brainwashed myself into thinking that it should happen fast; and maybe my body is more stubborn then most, but consistency over time is truly the key. There is no magic formula. There is no quick fix, and you can't give up. I exercise five days a week (pushing for 6 days between now and Vegas next month) and I hit my macros consistently. 1500 calories per day worth. That's it. I still live in fear that all of my progress will disappear tomorrow, and I have no idea how realistic 125-130 is, but we'll see.
Showing posts with label 136. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 136. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2016
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Where I'm At
I was 135 something before Hawaii. After we got back from Hawaii I was just under 1 lb heavier than I was the day I left and then two days later it went down further but didn't stay that low for long. I did not track calories at all the entire time and it was awesome. I just ate what I wanted when I wanted without regard to calories. It was different, good and so needed.
I had so much fun. Having our mother's along with us was fine. My mom is awesome, but his. Well, she's a little bit of a piece of work. She runs her mouth constantly. She likes to talk a lot more than she likes listening. My mom got stuck with her a lot and for that I am grateful. Towards the beginning I tried to engage with her, but she wore me out. It was to the point where I didn't even want to start up a conversation with her because it wouldn't end. She is constantly talking about people and proclaiming how she does things and she did this and she did that. She is a bit of a know it all, high and mighty and seems to enjoy drama. I think she even faked an injury on our hike to try to get attention from her son. She is heavy set and out of shape. My mom is older and in much better shape then her. We were leaving her behind and I think she wanted an excuse (besides being out of shape) for being so slow. We all wanted to relax on the beach and sleep or read or just enjoy the scenery but she doesn't seem to know how to do that. Her own son refuses to have a conversation with her. He says she is negative, complains too much, is fake, talks too much, and is an attention seeker. My husband just doesn't have the patience for it. He loves her, and he will talk to her on the phone but I couldn't even get him to do one 20 minute conversation with her. And I can't say that I blame him. Towards the end she started making little backhanded jabs at me. I tried to be neutral, but there were moments that we clashed and so the less conversation I had with her the better. There are certain people that I just can't talk to because they are so fundamentally different. My brother in law is one of them. I kinda got that impression a little bit over the last year in phone conversations with her but this trip amplified it. There is something about the dynamic of the interaction with her that does not work and I end up annoyed and/or feeling unheard. Initially, I really wanted her to like me. I wanted to be that sweet daughter in law to her perfect son, but I just can't with her. I think we both like each other less after the trip than before and I'm going to have to be okay with that.
I'm having a hard time transitioning back to life back to reality. I've been super tired. I need to get to bed earlier. It sucks that my sleeping pills quit working on me.
A funny thing happened the week I got back. I noticed that I was looking trimmer and leaner in my back and muffin top area. Measurements, progress photos and slightly looser fitting jeans confirmed it. I'm leaning out a little bit. My weight hasn't changed much over the last 14 weeks or but it seems my body composition is shifting. I have not maintained the new lows that I've been seeing but that I ever saw them at all and that the highs have gotten lower is an indicator that progress is being made. I only exercised once last week. I did one BBG work out. I needed a break. This week I'm starting up again doing Ripped in 30. I want to stick to 3 work outs per week minimum + a day of HIIT if I'm feeling ambitious because when I was doing the BBG I discovered that I really like it. I was thinking of shifting over to Yoga or Pilates because for a break because BBG was so intense but my body isn't where it needs to be yet. I need more time doing intense circuits and hopefully I will be able to make more progress.
I'm fed up with the production that is cooking and prepping food. The meticulous eating schedule is done. The careful micromanaging of macros is exhausting and I'm over it. My sister wanted to know what macros I was doing and I was just like, I'm not. It's 1,500 calories and I try to keep the fats down. That's it. I'm tired of trying to shove in all that protein and low carb never did a thing for me except make me pee all the time and make me hungry. My body craves carbs and I'm tired of denying it what it needs. I cannot eat all that protein so I am simply going to be eating more carbs. I'm tired of trying to get the macros in line with the calorie budget. At the end of the day all the stressing, research, scheming and switching up of macros didn't even matter. My metabolism was screwed and the egg thing was messing me up too. Until that was fixed, nothing I did made much of a difference. All that calculating and I was starving all the time yet still gaining weight. I think my metabolism has rebounded enough that I will be okay. I am being very careful to stick with 1,500. More is fine too. I just find that on most days 1,500 is where I end up. This week I got a foot long sandwich and split that over two days for lunch but the last two days I've not had a "real" lunch. More like a healthy collection of snacks. Not because I'm trying to restrict, but because I'm just too lazy to deal with the getting and preparing of food. Hubby made pork chops last week and this week. He's at least stepped up to cook, but we don't have enough meat to take some for lunch too. I am very reluctant about getting back into the kitchen. I haven't even been to the grocery store. I went on a 2 night work trip the week we got back and hubby's been the one running to the store picking up things. Now that I'm not on a rigorous eating schedule I can get by with the few basics and I don't feel I have to hit up the grocery store every single week picking up certain foods that I must have in order to maintain my diet. I do need to do better though because it's starting to catch up to me and I am feeling hungrier which causes cravings.
So that's where I'm at. I've been tracking my body measurements for a while. I have lost some inches. I will be posting them here so I can keep track.
I had so much fun. Having our mother's along with us was fine. My mom is awesome, but his. Well, she's a little bit of a piece of work. She runs her mouth constantly. She likes to talk a lot more than she likes listening. My mom got stuck with her a lot and for that I am grateful. Towards the beginning I tried to engage with her, but she wore me out. It was to the point where I didn't even want to start up a conversation with her because it wouldn't end. She is constantly talking about people and proclaiming how she does things and she did this and she did that. She is a bit of a know it all, high and mighty and seems to enjoy drama. I think she even faked an injury on our hike to try to get attention from her son. She is heavy set and out of shape. My mom is older and in much better shape then her. We were leaving her behind and I think she wanted an excuse (besides being out of shape) for being so slow. We all wanted to relax on the beach and sleep or read or just enjoy the scenery but she doesn't seem to know how to do that. Her own son refuses to have a conversation with her. He says she is negative, complains too much, is fake, talks too much, and is an attention seeker. My husband just doesn't have the patience for it. He loves her, and he will talk to her on the phone but I couldn't even get him to do one 20 minute conversation with her. And I can't say that I blame him. Towards the end she started making little backhanded jabs at me. I tried to be neutral, but there were moments that we clashed and so the less conversation I had with her the better. There are certain people that I just can't talk to because they are so fundamentally different. My brother in law is one of them. I kinda got that impression a little bit over the last year in phone conversations with her but this trip amplified it. There is something about the dynamic of the interaction with her that does not work and I end up annoyed and/or feeling unheard. Initially, I really wanted her to like me. I wanted to be that sweet daughter in law to her perfect son, but I just can't with her. I think we both like each other less after the trip than before and I'm going to have to be okay with that.
I'm having a hard time transitioning back to life back to reality. I've been super tired. I need to get to bed earlier. It sucks that my sleeping pills quit working on me.
A funny thing happened the week I got back. I noticed that I was looking trimmer and leaner in my back and muffin top area. Measurements, progress photos and slightly looser fitting jeans confirmed it. I'm leaning out a little bit. My weight hasn't changed much over the last 14 weeks or but it seems my body composition is shifting. I have not maintained the new lows that I've been seeing but that I ever saw them at all and that the highs have gotten lower is an indicator that progress is being made. I only exercised once last week. I did one BBG work out. I needed a break. This week I'm starting up again doing Ripped in 30. I want to stick to 3 work outs per week minimum + a day of HIIT if I'm feeling ambitious because when I was doing the BBG I discovered that I really like it. I was thinking of shifting over to Yoga or Pilates because for a break because BBG was so intense but my body isn't where it needs to be yet. I need more time doing intense circuits and hopefully I will be able to make more progress.
I'm fed up with the production that is cooking and prepping food. The meticulous eating schedule is done. The careful micromanaging of macros is exhausting and I'm over it. My sister wanted to know what macros I was doing and I was just like, I'm not. It's 1,500 calories and I try to keep the fats down. That's it. I'm tired of trying to shove in all that protein and low carb never did a thing for me except make me pee all the time and make me hungry. My body craves carbs and I'm tired of denying it what it needs. I cannot eat all that protein so I am simply going to be eating more carbs. I'm tired of trying to get the macros in line with the calorie budget. At the end of the day all the stressing, research, scheming and switching up of macros didn't even matter. My metabolism was screwed and the egg thing was messing me up too. Until that was fixed, nothing I did made much of a difference. All that calculating and I was starving all the time yet still gaining weight. I think my metabolism has rebounded enough that I will be okay. I am being very careful to stick with 1,500. More is fine too. I just find that on most days 1,500 is where I end up. This week I got a foot long sandwich and split that over two days for lunch but the last two days I've not had a "real" lunch. More like a healthy collection of snacks. Not because I'm trying to restrict, but because I'm just too lazy to deal with the getting and preparing of food. Hubby made pork chops last week and this week. He's at least stepped up to cook, but we don't have enough meat to take some for lunch too. I am very reluctant about getting back into the kitchen. I haven't even been to the grocery store. I went on a 2 night work trip the week we got back and hubby's been the one running to the store picking up things. Now that I'm not on a rigorous eating schedule I can get by with the few basics and I don't feel I have to hit up the grocery store every single week picking up certain foods that I must have in order to maintain my diet. I do need to do better though because it's starting to catch up to me and I am feeling hungrier which causes cravings.
So that's where I'm at. I've been tracking my body measurements for a while. I have lost some inches. I will be posting them here so I can keep track.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Eating What I Want and Destiny
I basically eat what I want now. For six straight days (four of which I was off for a long weekend) I ate out for one meal every single day. I had pizza, carne asada tacos, sliders with fries, Italian sub, Pad Thai and Pancakes out. I also drank wine on at least half of those days and didn't restrict any meals to compensate. The only exception was if I just wasn't that hungry because of a big meal. During that time my weight went down from 137 to 135. I went back to my normal day eating when I went back to work on Wednesday. I went to bed hungry because I can't seem to get enough food when I don't eat out and I gained a pound overnight. So the next night I piled my plate with a good serving of chicken, vegetables and rice. I was still hungry so I ate an apple and 1 oz of almonds. I was still hungry so I had a slice of Ezekial toast with peanut butter on it. I woke up a pound lighter the next day.
My body wants food, needs food and I'm giving it food because I don't want to gain anymore weight. I used to eat less to lose weight, now I'm eating more to maintain and not gain. It's really weird to be "normal" when I've been disordered for so long. When I get hungry I eat like a normal person. I eat more than my husband and I am slowly getting used to this bigger body. I have a butt now, and it was really embarrassing at first but as time passes I'm feeling less self conscious. I've gone out with friends twice and I don't think anyone noticed. I do realize that I should never have felt so upset to begin with, but it was extremely traumatic to lose control over my weight when I've spent the last decade learning how to manipulate it lower and lower. I hate to say it but I just want my thigh gap back. I still have a knee to lower part of thigh gap but I think if I were closer to 125 lbs I'd probably get the full one back. It's totally shallow and totally ridiculous, especially after everything I've been through that it still matters to me but there it is. It would also give me a chance of fitting back into some of my jeans. I'm not pushing it because I think I'm in some kind of re-feeding phase right now. My body just wants any kind of food I'll put into it right now and I will continue to comply. Whatever keeps my weight stable at this point. I'm not thrilled at this weight, but it's far worse to see the scale going up and up without knowing when or if it will ever stop.
I'm still off the exercise wagon. I just can't get motivated. I will make myself do yoga at least once a week though. I finally got my Yoga strength back and I want to at least hold onto that.
I have finally met the biggest challenge to my marriage thus far and can you believe that it's a stupid video game? My husband is totally addicted to Destiny and it's been really upsetting. When he's playing it I might as well not exist. He's got his earpiece in and there are missions that take all of his concentration and the whole group has to make it or else they all die. He plays with some of the same guys and I'm like-do these people have lives? Are they just hanging out with their Xbox all the time waiting to play? Between that and his inability to put anything away or clean up after himself I was done. It got to the point where I was no longer my usual talkative self and he noticed. I'd decided to just keep to myself. I had a giant lump in my throat for almost two weeks because I felt so ignored and so distant from him. He finally asked me what was going on. I told him it felt like he had completely checked out of our relationship. He was either playing Destiny or waiting to play Destiny so it felt like he was punching a time clock when we were together. He wasn't interacting or even engaging with me much. We would be playing when I got home from work, come down an hour or two later, eat dinner, watch a movie or TV show and then he'd rush upstairs to play his video game again until he went to bed. Even though he claims he was present he wasn't. I can tell when he's mentally checked out.
I also had to bring up the clutter thing. He had totally stopped trying. I don't ask for much when it comes to household chores. He does trash (and he's supposed to cook) and I do everything else. I've even stepped up and have been cooking when that's supposed to be his thing. All I ask is that he pick up after himself, clean something if he makes it dirty and replace the toilet paper roll. I don't even mind if it takes him a few days, but when things start to pile up and every flat surface of our house is covered with his junk and it's a week later I'm going to get annoyed. Especially when he's spending hours playing Destiny. He's not in school. We don't have kids. He usually gets off work at 3pm and has every other Friday off. He has plenty of time, but he's just being lazy. I feel totally unappreciated when every time I turn around he's dirtied up something that I spent time and energy on cleaning and straightening up. I work really hard to keep our house clean and then he works just as hard on messing it up. I don't want to be a nag, but I can only take so much of him being so careless about it. He's an adult and we both have to share the space. It's not to much to expect that he pick up after himself and I don't want to do it for him because then I'll really have a nightmare on my hands. I'd rather train him to be respectful of our home and me.
It's funny because when he had our chat I asked him if there was anything he wanted to address. His answer was no and it can't be because I'm perfect. I'm far from it. I think he's just so easy going, which makes me feel like even more of a bitch.
Things felt a little bit better after that. I can tell he's trying to be more aware and trying to cut down on playing time but it's clear that I'm going to need to accept Destiny because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. He got it in mid September just before our NY trip and I don't think there has been a day that has gone by outside of our trip that he hasn't played it. Two nights ago he was supposed to make dinner but got home late, went straight to Destiny and never did. Last night he was cooking dinner when I got home, then watched football then played Destiny from 8:30pm until who knows when. I went to bed and didn't fall asleep until 10:45ish. I'm not that clingy type of person that has to have all of her husband's time. I like to do my own thing too. He should have his things that he likes to do and I'm okay with that but there has to be some kind of balance. He's always played Play Station and Xbox, but I've never seen him like this with any other game before.
I hate Destiny. But I love my husband. I have my little complaints here and there but he is an awesome husband so I'm going to do my best to work through my feelings and hopefully some kind of balance will emerge between Destiny time and us time.
My body wants food, needs food and I'm giving it food because I don't want to gain anymore weight. I used to eat less to lose weight, now I'm eating more to maintain and not gain. It's really weird to be "normal" when I've been disordered for so long. When I get hungry I eat like a normal person. I eat more than my husband and I am slowly getting used to this bigger body. I have a butt now, and it was really embarrassing at first but as time passes I'm feeling less self conscious. I've gone out with friends twice and I don't think anyone noticed. I do realize that I should never have felt so upset to begin with, but it was extremely traumatic to lose control over my weight when I've spent the last decade learning how to manipulate it lower and lower. I hate to say it but I just want my thigh gap back. I still have a knee to lower part of thigh gap but I think if I were closer to 125 lbs I'd probably get the full one back. It's totally shallow and totally ridiculous, especially after everything I've been through that it still matters to me but there it is. It would also give me a chance of fitting back into some of my jeans. I'm not pushing it because I think I'm in some kind of re-feeding phase right now. My body just wants any kind of food I'll put into it right now and I will continue to comply. Whatever keeps my weight stable at this point. I'm not thrilled at this weight, but it's far worse to see the scale going up and up without knowing when or if it will ever stop.
I'm still off the exercise wagon. I just can't get motivated. I will make myself do yoga at least once a week though. I finally got my Yoga strength back and I want to at least hold onto that.
I have finally met the biggest challenge to my marriage thus far and can you believe that it's a stupid video game? My husband is totally addicted to Destiny and it's been really upsetting. When he's playing it I might as well not exist. He's got his earpiece in and there are missions that take all of his concentration and the whole group has to make it or else they all die. He plays with some of the same guys and I'm like-do these people have lives? Are they just hanging out with their Xbox all the time waiting to play? Between that and his inability to put anything away or clean up after himself I was done. It got to the point where I was no longer my usual talkative self and he noticed. I'd decided to just keep to myself. I had a giant lump in my throat for almost two weeks because I felt so ignored and so distant from him. He finally asked me what was going on. I told him it felt like he had completely checked out of our relationship. He was either playing Destiny or waiting to play Destiny so it felt like he was punching a time clock when we were together. He wasn't interacting or even engaging with me much. We would be playing when I got home from work, come down an hour or two later, eat dinner, watch a movie or TV show and then he'd rush upstairs to play his video game again until he went to bed. Even though he claims he was present he wasn't. I can tell when he's mentally checked out.
I also had to bring up the clutter thing. He had totally stopped trying. I don't ask for much when it comes to household chores. He does trash (and he's supposed to cook) and I do everything else. I've even stepped up and have been cooking when that's supposed to be his thing. All I ask is that he pick up after himself, clean something if he makes it dirty and replace the toilet paper roll. I don't even mind if it takes him a few days, but when things start to pile up and every flat surface of our house is covered with his junk and it's a week later I'm going to get annoyed. Especially when he's spending hours playing Destiny. He's not in school. We don't have kids. He usually gets off work at 3pm and has every other Friday off. He has plenty of time, but he's just being lazy. I feel totally unappreciated when every time I turn around he's dirtied up something that I spent time and energy on cleaning and straightening up. I work really hard to keep our house clean and then he works just as hard on messing it up. I don't want to be a nag, but I can only take so much of him being so careless about it. He's an adult and we both have to share the space. It's not to much to expect that he pick up after himself and I don't want to do it for him because then I'll really have a nightmare on my hands. I'd rather train him to be respectful of our home and me.
It's funny because when he had our chat I asked him if there was anything he wanted to address. His answer was no and it can't be because I'm perfect. I'm far from it. I think he's just so easy going, which makes me feel like even more of a bitch.
Things felt a little bit better after that. I can tell he's trying to be more aware and trying to cut down on playing time but it's clear that I'm going to need to accept Destiny because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. He got it in mid September just before our NY trip and I don't think there has been a day that has gone by outside of our trip that he hasn't played it. Two nights ago he was supposed to make dinner but got home late, went straight to Destiny and never did. Last night he was cooking dinner when I got home, then watched football then played Destiny from 8:30pm until who knows when. I went to bed and didn't fall asleep until 10:45ish. I'm not that clingy type of person that has to have all of her husband's time. I like to do my own thing too. He should have his things that he likes to do and I'm okay with that but there has to be some kind of balance. He's always played Play Station and Xbox, but I've never seen him like this with any other game before.
I hate Destiny. But I love my husband. I have my little complaints here and there but he is an awesome husband so I'm going to do my best to work through my feelings and hopefully some kind of balance will emerge between Destiny time and us time.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Trying Way Too Hard
Two Friday's ago I had another meltdown in the morning. The scale went up to a new high of 139 and my self esteem and mood went down the toilet even more then it already had. Hubby was there because he was doing an online course at home. I sat in his lap and put my face in his neck. Just miserable. That day he sent flowers to my job. He is the best. I think I must be having fears of losing him or something because a few weeks ago I dreamed that we were dating, I chose some other guy and then I was miserable and last night I dreamed he left me for his ex. Both times I woke up terrified for a second.
Last week I did something different. I quit working out. When I decided that I was going to eat more and lift weights to build my metabolism I went hard. I quit cardio for 4 weeks but I was lifting almost every day. I am notorious for trying too damn hard when it comes to diet and exercise so I decided to just chill out and take a break. The first thing I noticed was this major whoosh effect. I peed constantly for about 3 days. I think all the water I'd been retaining in my muscles finally got released. Then I noticed that I didn't feel quite so puffy. I'm still chugging at least 48 oz of water a day; sometimes more.
I also decided to be a little less strict with my meal plan. I still wanted to hit my calories but just allow more flexibility with the macros if need be without freaking out. My meal plan has not changed much. I decided to lower my fat, raise my carbs and keep my protein about the same. I've added skim milk which is awesome for not increasing fat and giving me more protein. I'm still finding it tough to plan out 1,900 calories that hits my macros so I still haven't hit that mark. I have stuck with the plan but decided that I wasn't going to stress if I didn't because what good has all this stress, worry and trying way too hard gotten me so far? I'm where I'm at now because I tried too hard and stressing changes nothing so instead I just let it go. Last Sunday we went to breakfast. I ordered french toast. I wasn't that hungry later on so I ate 4 oz of chicken breast to get some protein and a slice of ding dong cake hubby baked. I was only at 1,200 something calories for the day so I was kind of worried that I'd gain the next day but also hoping that enough time has passed that my body wouldn't freak out. I went down a pound. This is HUGE. That would have never happened before. It has since gone back up but that is a good sign that my body isn't holding onto everything and that maybe my metabolism is finally starting to respond. I've also had some pretty hungry moments over the last week. I'd hit my macros but I'd still be hungry so I'd eat an apple or a pecan twirl even though it would put me over my carb limit. Sunday night was the worst. We'd gone bike riding all day. I ate breakfast and then had burger and fries for lunch while we were out. I also had a scoop of ice cream and a beer. I burned at least 400 calories throughout the day. I was STARVING that night but I was already at 1,900 calories for the day. I think I was so hungry because I had a healthy breakfast, a filling (if not healthy lunch) and the rest of the calories had no nutritional value so my calories were up but my body didn't get what it really needed. I ate grapes. Still hungry. I woke up in the middle of the night still hungry so I had a few ounces of chicken and I felt better. It's the running joke now between hubby and I that I'm always eating and I'm always hungry! In that case I had eaten so many calories I just didn't want to eat more but in the end I had to listen to my body. My weight did go up just a little less then a pound but when my metabolism was at it's worst that would have been 2 lbs easy after a 2k calorie day. It has also since gone back down that pound after a day of eating on plan.
Since not working out and sticking mostly with my meal plan there have been two days where I was under 1,500 because I simply wasn't hungry but most of the days have been between 1600-1800 calories. My weight has gone down just a bit and remained stable at around 136. I am notorious for trying too hard. It served me well with weight loss until I screwed up my metabolism but once that damage is done trying too hard doesn't necessarily work. The harder you try in the way that you have grown accustomed to trying the worse it gets. I've had to do the opposite of everything I've ever thought I should. Eat more. Eat when I'm not hungry. I've eaten the calories. I've gained the weight and after 3 months I'm finally seeing some signs that my body is healing. I'm in a weird place right now. I can't go off the rails with eating too much and definitely not too little. I can't exercise too much but I don't want to do too little. Exercise can cause hormonal stress on a fragile metabolism so I guess I need to see what happens when I add exercise back in. Maybe I should even consider taking another week off or maybe I should just take it easy with Yoga. I think my body probably needed that time off from the gym but I don't want to go too long without doing anything. It's a really tricky place to be. I know that every thing I do right now is really critical to seeing that my metabolism fully heals and as I'm still on my own it's been tough to decide exactly what direction to go.
At my doctor's appointment last week I had some of the testing done that I needed. I made up and extra symptom or two to try to get more testing. I need more thyroid, all sex hormones, and salivary cortisol testing. I scoured the internet and found everything I needed and it would cost me about $400 dollars total to get the rest. There is a base set I can do for $259 that includes the cortisol though; and maybe the rest of the testing won't even be necessary. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I need to do it. So far everything has come back normal from my doctor and my body seems to be responding a bit better right now. I also still haven't decided if I will pay the $400 for the nutritional counseling. I'm just playing it by ear right now and I want to see how my body responds when I start exercising again and where I'm at after vacation.
I knew it would happen and that it was just a matter of time. I didn't want to wear work out shorts and I couldn't get away with a skirt. I needed a pair of shorts for bike riding so I tried on every single pair of my shorts and none fit. We had to stop at the store so I could buy some shorts that fit. It feels awful to literally have to go shopping because my clothes don't fit and I don't have anything I can wear. It's back to school time but I was lucky to find one pair of white shorts in my size at Kohl's. They didn't have a lot to choose from so I was even grabbing 8's and 10's. In my mind I figured that I've gained so much weight that I probably was a 10 now even though MJ took one look at them and said they were too big. That's just how distorted my view of my body is. I ended up with size 2 J Lo brand shorts. We have a trip coming up so I sucked it up and went to Old Navy since they were having a sale to find a few more pairs of shorts and jeans. Trying on jeans is brutal. I feel huge and I was scared to see what size I'd have to get. I love the stretch of their Rock Star skinnies but even the 6's that fit had major booty crack when sitting. I didn't feel too bad about not fitting the 4's because I know how small and skin tight those run. I actually have a pair of 4's at home that I can still get into-just barely. I ended up with a pair of Sweetheart skinnies (the cut that allows for curves ie: a butt) size 4 and two pair of size 4 shorts. I've actually started to miss wearing jeans after all this time so it will be nice to have a pair that fits again. I haven't worn jeans all year!! I used to live in jeans. I was actually surprised that I fit into 4's. I used to be an Old Navy 2 but when I step back and think about it being a size 4 is not the end of the world. I know how ridiculous I am for thinking otherwise but letting go of my disordered thinking is going to be a long process. These shorts will get me by until the weather cools down. I may or may not have to buy one more pair of jeans but I'm hoping to be able to fit into at least some of my skinny jeans and shorts again next year. I'm not going to rush it though. I need to do this right.
Kitty-I'm okay. Thanks for asking. Anonymous-I don't know what Whole30 is and I don't think I can do Paleo. My body is super finicky right now and things that are supposed to "work" may not. I already know I can't give up grains. I need a minimum amount of fiber or I won't have a BM. I guess I'm just shooting for as much balance as I can for the time being. Tempest-your comment stung but I can admit that it's something I need to be told. The thing that stuck with me the most is this: "You are the only one who seems to think that nothing else about you matters if you are not ultrathin. You are worth more than that." It's so true. That's the epicenter of my distress over this entire situation and has spurred my disordered thinking and behavior over the last decade of my life. I look around me and see people who look good whom I can objectively see that I am smaller than; however it's one thing to see that other people look good at a similar size and another thing for me to see it as acceptable for myself. I liked being skinny. I liked fitting into smaller sizes. I liked knowing that I was one of the thinner ones in a room. It seemed like the one thing that I could shine at. I was still never skinny enough in my mind but it was enough to make me feel special in some way. That being said, it's been really difficult for me to ever see myself as having an eating disorder because clinically I never quite fit the bill. I've stayed relatively healthy and not been freakishly thin so I denied that it was an eating disorder and that allowed me to continue to justify my behavior. I never thought anything like this would happen to me because I was never "disordered" enough. I never ate that little or weighed that little to cause damage. I kept pushing and pushing until my body literally wouldn't take it anymore. I've obviously done damage to my body and I'm obviously still extremely preoccupied with food, size and weight so it's really hard to deny that I had and still have a problem. I guess I just don't know where I fit but I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm taking it day by day here. I'm feeling good about my progress and where I'm at right now, today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm trying to accept my body and I'm trying to change my mindset but it's really hard. I might be eating more but I know my mind still has a long way to go.
On that note, it's lunch. Time to go eat chicken.
Last week I did something different. I quit working out. When I decided that I was going to eat more and lift weights to build my metabolism I went hard. I quit cardio for 4 weeks but I was lifting almost every day. I am notorious for trying too damn hard when it comes to diet and exercise so I decided to just chill out and take a break. The first thing I noticed was this major whoosh effect. I peed constantly for about 3 days. I think all the water I'd been retaining in my muscles finally got released. Then I noticed that I didn't feel quite so puffy. I'm still chugging at least 48 oz of water a day; sometimes more.
I also decided to be a little less strict with my meal plan. I still wanted to hit my calories but just allow more flexibility with the macros if need be without freaking out. My meal plan has not changed much. I decided to lower my fat, raise my carbs and keep my protein about the same. I've added skim milk which is awesome for not increasing fat and giving me more protein. I'm still finding it tough to plan out 1,900 calories that hits my macros so I still haven't hit that mark. I have stuck with the plan but decided that I wasn't going to stress if I didn't because what good has all this stress, worry and trying way too hard gotten me so far? I'm where I'm at now because I tried too hard and stressing changes nothing so instead I just let it go. Last Sunday we went to breakfast. I ordered french toast. I wasn't that hungry later on so I ate 4 oz of chicken breast to get some protein and a slice of ding dong cake hubby baked. I was only at 1,200 something calories for the day so I was kind of worried that I'd gain the next day but also hoping that enough time has passed that my body wouldn't freak out. I went down a pound. This is HUGE. That would have never happened before. It has since gone back up but that is a good sign that my body isn't holding onto everything and that maybe my metabolism is finally starting to respond. I've also had some pretty hungry moments over the last week. I'd hit my macros but I'd still be hungry so I'd eat an apple or a pecan twirl even though it would put me over my carb limit. Sunday night was the worst. We'd gone bike riding all day. I ate breakfast and then had burger and fries for lunch while we were out. I also had a scoop of ice cream and a beer. I burned at least 400 calories throughout the day. I was STARVING that night but I was already at 1,900 calories for the day. I think I was so hungry because I had a healthy breakfast, a filling (if not healthy lunch) and the rest of the calories had no nutritional value so my calories were up but my body didn't get what it really needed. I ate grapes. Still hungry. I woke up in the middle of the night still hungry so I had a few ounces of chicken and I felt better. It's the running joke now between hubby and I that I'm always eating and I'm always hungry! In that case I had eaten so many calories I just didn't want to eat more but in the end I had to listen to my body. My weight did go up just a little less then a pound but when my metabolism was at it's worst that would have been 2 lbs easy after a 2k calorie day. It has also since gone back down that pound after a day of eating on plan.
Since not working out and sticking mostly with my meal plan there have been two days where I was under 1,500 because I simply wasn't hungry but most of the days have been between 1600-1800 calories. My weight has gone down just a bit and remained stable at around 136. I am notorious for trying too hard. It served me well with weight loss until I screwed up my metabolism but once that damage is done trying too hard doesn't necessarily work. The harder you try in the way that you have grown accustomed to trying the worse it gets. I've had to do the opposite of everything I've ever thought I should. Eat more. Eat when I'm not hungry. I've eaten the calories. I've gained the weight and after 3 months I'm finally seeing some signs that my body is healing. I'm in a weird place right now. I can't go off the rails with eating too much and definitely not too little. I can't exercise too much but I don't want to do too little. Exercise can cause hormonal stress on a fragile metabolism so I guess I need to see what happens when I add exercise back in. Maybe I should even consider taking another week off or maybe I should just take it easy with Yoga. I think my body probably needed that time off from the gym but I don't want to go too long without doing anything. It's a really tricky place to be. I know that every thing I do right now is really critical to seeing that my metabolism fully heals and as I'm still on my own it's been tough to decide exactly what direction to go.
At my doctor's appointment last week I had some of the testing done that I needed. I made up and extra symptom or two to try to get more testing. I need more thyroid, all sex hormones, and salivary cortisol testing. I scoured the internet and found everything I needed and it would cost me about $400 dollars total to get the rest. There is a base set I can do for $259 that includes the cortisol though; and maybe the rest of the testing won't even be necessary. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I need to do it. So far everything has come back normal from my doctor and my body seems to be responding a bit better right now. I also still haven't decided if I will pay the $400 for the nutritional counseling. I'm just playing it by ear right now and I want to see how my body responds when I start exercising again and where I'm at after vacation.
I knew it would happen and that it was just a matter of time. I didn't want to wear work out shorts and I couldn't get away with a skirt. I needed a pair of shorts for bike riding so I tried on every single pair of my shorts and none fit. We had to stop at the store so I could buy some shorts that fit. It feels awful to literally have to go shopping because my clothes don't fit and I don't have anything I can wear. It's back to school time but I was lucky to find one pair of white shorts in my size at Kohl's. They didn't have a lot to choose from so I was even grabbing 8's and 10's. In my mind I figured that I've gained so much weight that I probably was a 10 now even though MJ took one look at them and said they were too big. That's just how distorted my view of my body is. I ended up with size 2 J Lo brand shorts. We have a trip coming up so I sucked it up and went to Old Navy since they were having a sale to find a few more pairs of shorts and jeans. Trying on jeans is brutal. I feel huge and I was scared to see what size I'd have to get. I love the stretch of their Rock Star skinnies but even the 6's that fit had major booty crack when sitting. I didn't feel too bad about not fitting the 4's because I know how small and skin tight those run. I actually have a pair of 4's at home that I can still get into-just barely. I ended up with a pair of Sweetheart skinnies (the cut that allows for curves ie: a butt) size 4 and two pair of size 4 shorts. I've actually started to miss wearing jeans after all this time so it will be nice to have a pair that fits again. I haven't worn jeans all year!! I used to live in jeans. I was actually surprised that I fit into 4's. I used to be an Old Navy 2 but when I step back and think about it being a size 4 is not the end of the world. I know how ridiculous I am for thinking otherwise but letting go of my disordered thinking is going to be a long process. These shorts will get me by until the weather cools down. I may or may not have to buy one more pair of jeans but I'm hoping to be able to fit into at least some of my skinny jeans and shorts again next year. I'm not going to rush it though. I need to do this right.
Kitty-I'm okay. Thanks for asking. Anonymous-I don't know what Whole30 is and I don't think I can do Paleo. My body is super finicky right now and things that are supposed to "work" may not. I already know I can't give up grains. I need a minimum amount of fiber or I won't have a BM. I guess I'm just shooting for as much balance as I can for the time being. Tempest-your comment stung but I can admit that it's something I need to be told. The thing that stuck with me the most is this: "You are the only one who seems to think that nothing else about you matters if you are not ultrathin. You are worth more than that." It's so true. That's the epicenter of my distress over this entire situation and has spurred my disordered thinking and behavior over the last decade of my life. I look around me and see people who look good whom I can objectively see that I am smaller than; however it's one thing to see that other people look good at a similar size and another thing for me to see it as acceptable for myself. I liked being skinny. I liked fitting into smaller sizes. I liked knowing that I was one of the thinner ones in a room. It seemed like the one thing that I could shine at. I was still never skinny enough in my mind but it was enough to make me feel special in some way. That being said, it's been really difficult for me to ever see myself as having an eating disorder because clinically I never quite fit the bill. I've stayed relatively healthy and not been freakishly thin so I denied that it was an eating disorder and that allowed me to continue to justify my behavior. I never thought anything like this would happen to me because I was never "disordered" enough. I never ate that little or weighed that little to cause damage. I kept pushing and pushing until my body literally wouldn't take it anymore. I've obviously done damage to my body and I'm obviously still extremely preoccupied with food, size and weight so it's really hard to deny that I had and still have a problem. I guess I just don't know where I fit but I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm taking it day by day here. I'm feeling good about my progress and where I'm at right now, today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm trying to accept my body and I'm trying to change my mindset but it's really hard. I might be eating more but I know my mind still has a long way to go.
On that note, it's lunch. Time to go eat chicken.
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