Highs, Lows, and a Reasonable Goal Weight

The last 2 1/2 years have been really hard.  I saw a  nutritionist.   I did a therapy appointment.  I did metabolic testing.  I did thyroid testing.  I hired a macro coach and started a weight lifting plan (June 2014). I avoided seeing friends, being in pictures, bought bigger clothes, and hid under skirts.  There were more meltdowns than I can count.

I spent 2003-2012 starving my body down to size 0. Longer, if you count the years before in which I restricted periodically, but didn't have the willpower to keep it up long term.  In 2013 my body started to push back and by 2014 it was all over.  I was no longer the skinny girl I had worked so hard to be. It was really hard to accept, and most of the time it still is, but something amazing is happening.  I'm having moments where I don't hate my body.  At the pool last weekend I critically observed everyone's bodies because I can't help it, and then did not feel embarrassed to walk to the restrooms in front of everyone without a towel.  In fact, I felt proud of being the only one there with abs.  In January, I was embarrassed to wear spandex to the gym, but last month I ordered three bikini's from Victoria's Secret and actually felt good when I tried them on.  In the store, it was awful.  I thought those mirrors were supposed to make you want to buy the suits.  I wanted to cry, but I bought a pair of bottoms anyway, ordered some online, and when I tried them on at home I was pleasantly surprised.  Not to say that there aren't moments where I look in the mirror and shake my head in disgust.  Those are still happening. There are bits that show much improvement, but there are still areas that I'm not happy with and that probably won't change, but having positive thoughts mixed in there at this weight is a very big step in the right direction.

I am down 7.4 lbs.  It may not be an incredible amount for almost 6 1/2 months of very hard work, but it is a super big deal for me to be down to 135.6, when it took me 8 solid weeks to lose a single pound. Eight weeks of hell!  This morning I fit comfortably into my black Rock Star skinnies from Old Navy that I squeezed into for the last time on December 3rd.  They were way too tight.  I couldn't wear them that night, but I can wear them now.  I tried on a few others.  One pair was probably still a bit too tight to comfortably wear, but they went on better than they did the last time I tried, and the other three were okay.  I probably need a little bit more time to wear them, but I'm getting there.

When I set out to lose weight in January I didn't even know if it was possible, because for two years it was impossible.  All I did was gain.  I got a macro coach and joined an 8 week challenge but after my failed macro coach/exercise plan of 2014 I was more desperate than hopeful.  I had no goal weight, because I had all but given up hope of losing a single pound.  Just one pound would have been thrilling.  Now that the numbers have finally started to go down I feel hopeful enough, to start thinking about a realistic goal weight. When you document your weight as obsessively as I do and document everything you can go back to almost any day for the last decade and know what you weighed and exactly how you felt about it.  I scoured my extensive records and pictures, and came up with this.

02/23/11:  110 All time low, final goal weight (last time at this weight was 2004)
03/24/13:  120's for the last time
11/15/13:  123-125 Last time I fit into size 26's
12/06/13:  126 Maui vacation, still skinny
05/10/14:  128 Can no longer fit into any pants in my entire closet
07/01/14:  130 Mexico vacation, heavier, self conscious about weight gain, but still slim
08/22/14:  139 Can no longer fit into any shorts in my entire closet
09/12/14:  136 NYC trip.  Not quite fat (for me), but my middle looks thick and square.
02/09/15:  140 For the first time.  FAT.  My face is fat in pics, butt & thighs are huge.
06/28/15:  136 Kauai vacation, after 12 weeks BBG 1.0/inches lost, but thick belly & thick in pics
09/15/15:  140 Sedona trip, felt and looked very thick in pics.
01/02/16:  144 All time high.  My "fat" clothes are getting too tight.
02/28/16:  140 After 8 week challenge, visibly leaner front/side/rear, and inches/lbs lost.
05/22/16:  136 After 12 weeks BBG 2.0 leaner than after 1st time @same weight. "Fat" jeans loose.
05/11/16:  135 Hit for first time since 2014

110 is unrealistic, unhealthy, and never to be sought after again.  144 is sloppy whale status.  Still not fat, but too big for me.  I have no idea how low my body is willing to go in a healthy manner, but it needs to be a number that balances my desire to be slim with my desire to be healthy.  I don't want to be a slave to exercise.  I don't want to destroy my metabolism. I also don't want to weight every single thing that goes into my mouth for the rest of my life. I haven't had a "normal" goal weight or been able to lose weight in so long that this is all new to me right now, but I think that 125-130 might be the sweet spot for me. That gets me back into a lot of my old clothes and keeps me on the "skinny" side, without being unhealthy. I think at 130, the partial thigh gap I have now could maybe, turn into a full one.  Certainly by 125. At 130 I probably won't get into all my skinnie minnie clothes, and that is fine.  I don't expect to because I was just too tiny, but at 130 more things should start to fit and certainly at 125.

My hard work is finally starting to pay off.  It's crazy just how much time it takes when you lose weight the "right" way.  I had brainwashed myself into thinking that it should happen fast; and maybe my body is more stubborn then most, but consistency over time is truly the key.  There is no magic formula.  There is no quick fix, and you can't give up.  I exercise five days a week (pushing for 6 days between now and Vegas next month) and I hit my macros consistently.  1500 calories per day worth. That's it.  I still live in fear that all of my progress will disappear tomorrow, and I have no idea how realistic 125-130 is, but we'll see.