Thyroid Testing

I hit a new high weight wise last week.  I gained back a pound that I had lost from a few weeks ago and added another bringing me to125.8!  Oh, my goodness.  Ensue major freak out.  There are a pair of jeans I can't even wear anymore.  I can get them on but they are just too tight.  I feel fat and disgusting and it's really scary to be this out of control over my size and weight.  I was so freaked out I called the doctor that day and set up an appointment the next day with a primary doctor so that I could get a referral to a Nutritionist.  I have done a ton of internet research but I need someone to look at what I'm eating and tell me what is okay or not okay and how much I should be eating.  I need assurance that I am doing this right and I wanted to rule out Thyroid as an issue so I could move on.  I didn't tell my husband about the appointment.  No point.  My blood work all came back normal.  My Thyroid was TSH was 1.56 on 09/09/10 and on 10/2/13 it was 2.27.  The standard range is 0.35 to 4.0 mcIU/ml.  Whatever that is.  The doctor probably thought I was a nut for wanting to see a nutritionist.  Me:  I've gained weight.  Him:  But it's because you are eating more and you are not even close to being overweight.  Me:  Yes, I know.  That should be a no brainer right?  Eat more, gain a few pounds, big deal.  I tried to explain that I think I've ruined my metabolism and how anxious I feel right now about eating and my weight.  I don't think anyone takes you seriously about anything regarding diet and nutrition unless you are very underweight or very overweight.  I don't think he gets it but he did grant me the Nutritionist referral and I have an appointment in two weeks.  What I'd really love to do is get metabolic testing so I know for sure where I stand after a good 8 weeks of solid eating but I don't think it's covered and I have to find out how much it costs.

After my appointment I went back to the archives.  I literally have my weight documented since about 2003 in journals and planners. Thank god! Going back to the archives really brought things into perspective and although I still hate this weight gain I'm feeling just slightly less freaked out because I realize I've been through this all before.  In January 2006 this very same thing happened.  I was gaining.  I tried to diet harder but my metabolism had crashed and even 800 calories a day would not save me.  All this time I've been freaking about wondering how fat I'm going to get.  When does it all stop?  I've been restricting for so long that I honestly don't even know what my "real" body size is and I've been terrified of finding out.  It turns out that the highest I weighed after my metabolism crashed in 2006 was 126 lbs over the next 3 years. I put away the tiny clothes and mourned the loss of my skinny minnie body just like I'm doing now.  126 is so close to 130 that it's disgusting and I hate it that but it is comforting to know that even after I lost control before I never got any higher then that.  The only thing that scares me is that I'm at that high weight already and it's only been about 2 months since I started eating more whereas before I don't think I got to 126 until about a year later but I maintained between 121-126ish  for about 3 1/2 years.  I didn't get under 120 again until about 3 1/2 years later.  I looked through some of my food logs and it does appear that I was still kind of trying to restrict during that time.  I think I'm eating little bit more then I did back then because I'm more convinced now then I was before that my metabolism is screwed.  Plus, I didn't count calories back then so while I realized that I was going to have to eat more and did I wasn't trying to hit a certain calorie mark.  Maybe 123-126 is my "natural" size.  If it is then my hope is that once my metabolism stabilizes I can reasonably and safely get down to 118 MINIMUM.  I lost weight before maybe I can do it again but  I will never push my body that hard to be smaller then that again.  I've learned my lesson but I still want to be skinny.

I've had a BM every single day for about 4 days straight which is highly unusual.  It probably means I'm getting the right amount of food in and so then my body is getting rid of it like it's supposed to.  I weighed in at 123.6 today right after a BM making me a pound less then yesterday and that's with eating Pizza for dinner last night.  It's been up and down so I know it could change overnight again.  I'm really, really, REALLY hoping I don't go higher then 126.  We shall see.

Thank you all for your comments regarding my freaking out over my husband and all of his crap.  Kitty, you totally get my frustration.  It was nice to hear that I wasn't just some crazy bitch and that I was handling it well.  As soon as I read that comment about the bins from  K and Seeking Something Else I immediately felt some relief.  Right now we have places for everything (he just doesn't always use them) so bins themselves won't help BUT-the idea of having that option for collecting his things that don't belong and leaving it for him to put away so I can still get my cleaning done AND not actually feel like the maid putting his stuff away.  I did have a breakdown on Thursday evening.  This bag with some cigars in it that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for 2 weeks finally go the best of me and I asked him if he could find a place for it.  He said, he was planning to mail it the next day so leave it.  I said could you please try to contain your errands to an appropriate place until you can get to them.  Then he pointed out that I had left a place mat on the coffee table.  What?  You want to talk about my little mess now?  I told him that it's literally taken me almost 2 weeks to finally get used to having all his crap everywhere and that I've wanted to yell at him every single day since he's gotten back.  Then said I was going to bed (I actually was on my way) and went upstairs.  I did come back down a minute later and apologized for the slight outburst.  I'm only human.  I feel like 2 weeks of keeping my mouth shut was really big of me and I think he understood that.  It made me feel very glad that I didn't fly off the handle sooner because I realized that part of it was just that I did need more time to transition to having his crap around.  I've gotten past being annoyed with him all the time over it.  That loving feeling I usually have is back and I'm feeling all obsessed and lovey dovey with him again.  It feels good to have moved past those feelings on my own without taking it out on him.  He left dishes in the sink on Friday night and I didn't say a word when he still didn't touch them until Sunday night.  I do realize that this is an issue that can and does repeatedly rear it's ugly head so I'm really going to watch how I feel and try to speak up about a few things here and there and assess whether or not I should do counseling depending on how things go.  It's always an option whenever and if ever I feel the need. 

We had an amazing weekend together.  It's still warm here so we were at the Bay on Saturday and then spent most of the day around the house on Sunday.  Having him around feels less intrusive and I'm feeling more in sync with him.  As much as I love the guy I guess it really does take some time for me to get used to the changes that come with having him home. 

I think I might finally be over the shopping bug.  In August when I said I was trying to stop I still spent $176 bucks but I spent absolutely $0 dollars on shopping in September and I plan to do the same this month.  I'm just so over the desire to buy more things.  If I got a coupon I wanted to go use it.  Then once I bought one thing I realize that I need something else and it just went on and on on from there.  It was exhausting, so ridiculously excessive, I was starting to run out of room in my closet and I needed to get my priorities straight.  With all the clothes in my closet I don't need to be out shopping all the time.  I'm not rich.  It's stupid.  I'm saving up for my trips and Christmas.

Working Through It

I mentioned this before but my co worker who is technically my supervisor and I have totally drifted apart.  It's really weird.  We used to chat all the time.  I was invited to her wedding.  We are about the same age and have a lot in common so I fancied that we would probably get together for a double date outside of work one day.  I started to notice that she wasn't so chummy anymore.  She stopped coming by my office to chat.  At first I was kind of hurt.  I noticed that she'd started chatting with D more and more instead of me.  I  see her stopping to chat with everyone else but me.  She walks right past my door and looks to see if D or S is in and if not she turns right around.  I'm not sure what happened or what has changed.  Maybe she found out everything she wanted to know and more about me and  lost interest.  When I first noticed it  I made the effort to get up and chat with her when I saw that she wasn't going to talk to me.  I guess I'm over it now.  I stopped trying so now we barely even say two words to each other one on one all day.  If I have something work related to say I do but that's about it.  She is one of the chattier ones in our office so a lot of time she'll be in the hall chatting with the others.  I come out and join in too sometimes so we speak in the group but not just to each other.  Whatever.  It's fine.  I'm not super chatty in general.  I think she's cool and I did enjoy talking to her but I'm fine with keeping to myself too.  She got pregnant because she switched health insurance without fully doing her research and then discovered she couldn't afford birth control anymore so decided to try the rhythm method.  I'm not sure how much sense that makes.  She's about to join the mommy cult so she has way more in common with the friends she already has.  I think most of them have kids.

That's okay because I have my own friends.  My two oldest friends both moved out of state a long time ago and for a while I had no friends to speak of that were nearby.  On Friday I got a bunch of us together for dinner and it was really fun.  My big sister got to come too before she left.  There were 7 of us altogether, so not counting my sister that's 6 friends. That's 6 people that actually like me and want to hang out with me.  I used to beat myself up over it.  Like, what's wrong with me that no one likes me? I'm too much of a homebody to need a ton of friends.  I value quality over quantity anyways.  It's a good feeling to finally have girlfriends.  I almost can't believe it.  There was a time when I was so depressed that even if I had friends I'd have run them off because I was so sad and didn't have anything to offer or even want to do anything.  I have come so far from the single, depressed, miserable and lonely girl that I was back in 2005-2007.

I was retaining water bad yesterday so I'm pretty sure that's why my weight was up this morning.  I had to pee by 10am today so it looks like it was just a one day thing this time.  I've actually been trying to at least do 1,000 calories a day.  I'm no longer striving to stay under that and I even cut my cardio work out from 1 hr to 45 minutes yesterday.  I actually didn't want to burn up too many calories.  If my metabolism is screwed; which I kind of think it is then being under 1,000 calories is only going to make things worse.  I was finding that on days that I ate 800 calories or 1,000 and burned 500 in cardio I'd weigh more the next day.  That's definitely a sign that my metabolism is screwed.  I've also gotten comments that the muscles retain water after a heavy work out.  I got hungry last night and kinda went a little overboard with my snacks.  I ate 3 LF graham crackers for 210 and one 100 calorie pecan spinwheel that I didn't plan on bringing my calories for the day to 1,386 intake and 996 net after burning 390 calories.  I upped my budget to 1,300 because that's where I should be based on all the calculations but with no real intention of planning to hit it.  I mostly end up around 1,000-1,100.  I am inching closer and closer to the higher end and I feel okay about it as long as it is mostly planned and healthy eats and not 1,300 because I pigged out on something bad.

I still worry that people notice that I'm bigger.  I think that's the worse thing.  Comparing myself to how I was and worrying about what others think.  I'm trying to work through this weight gain as best I can.  Starving won't work.  I have to eat.  And if my metabolism does rebound with some time (provided that's even the problem) then from there I would like to try to get back to 118 lbs.  I've learned my lesson.  Chances are I won't strive for anything less.

Kat not Jas asked about dining out tips.  The best thing I can say is to REALLY REALLY try to pay attention to your fullness level and stop when you are full. The best thing is to get a box right when they bring the food and put half away.   If I decide to splurge and get the pizza I'm only allowed to eat half.  The last time hubby and I went out I went for the Mac & Cheese with Chix.  Totally fattening and I ate the whole thing.  I felt okay though because I really paid attention to how full I was.  I really wasn't full so I let myself eat it .  We went to breakfast and I got tired of ordering the usual egg white omelet so I got the French Toast.  So bad-but I went for it.  Again, watching my fullness level.  I felt okay so I ate it all.  The rest of the day I had to be good and it wasn't so hard because my tummy was satisfied.  If there is a bread basket I'm typically going to be in trouble so in that case I'm not allowed to go for the fattening choice.  I have to get the Cobb Salad or the Chicken breast with veggies.  If it comes with mashed potatoes or rice I need to take that home especially if  indulged on the bread.  If I'm ordering a Cobb Salad or a healthy entree I don't worry about it and I will just eat the whole thing.  It's almost better to just order the healthy thing because then I know I can eat the whole thing and don't have to worry about stopping myself.  I try to stick with wine only on drinks.  I also plan ahead by not taking in much sodium and watching what I eat that day if I know I'm going out for dinner.  I've gotten so much better but each dining out trip still feels like a challenge.