The weirdest thing happened. I worked out and gained a pound. I was 113 on Saturday. My low carb experiment was over. Hubby ordered pizza for dinner and I ate 3 slices paying close attention to my fullness level. I was content and not full AND although my calories were going to be way up my carbs for the day were 130 which is lower then my typical count from before. Under 150 which is good. I maintained the next morning and woke up at 113. I went to the gym early in the morning on an empty stomach and burned over 500 calories and when I weighed myself immediately after I got home I was 114. I did drink a good 16oz of water while working out so that could be part of it but it was so ridiculous that I actually gained weight at the gym. Who does that?
Anyhow, I'm okay with it because I don't really feel I did anything wrong. I kept my carbs for the rest of the day at 111. There simply isn't much more that I could have done. I've become a lot more cautious about carbs since my 3 day low carb experiment. On Saturday the fact that my cals were going to be a whopping 1415 because of the pizza didn't bother me nearly as much as it would have before because I knew that my carb count was relatively low. It was such a nice feeling to think that it was okay to eat that many calories. Normally, I beat myself up so badly over it. I indulged in pizza but I stopped before I got too full and I didn't even gain. That was pretty cool. On Sunday I didn't feel anger or resentment towards hubby for wanting us to have a nice dinner of grilled chicken and brussel sprouts. That meal is healthy, high protein, low carb AND low calorie. It's not as evil as I'm always making it out to be in my mind. To have a zero gain the morning after Pizza then go the the gym and gain was off the wall but I didn't let it upset me too much. I'm going to the gym again today and tomorrow for heavy cardio. I still feel in control and starting the week out at 114 lbs is amazing considering that just last week I was up to 117.5.
I don't want to ever count on something that I don't think I can truly maintain to lose weight and keep it off. Eating 500 calories a day, burning 500 calories in the gym every day and cutting my carbs to 50 all might work but it's not realistic for me to maintain so I don't even want to really go there-and if I do it's temporary. Granted, 800 calories is rough and lately (even before the low carb experiment) I've had a hard time hitting that and mostly been in the 900's but it's something I know that I can generally do to get on track. Then, I shoot for about 1,000 for maintaining and as long as my indulge days are kept to a minimum and I stay active I should be okay. Maintenance is hard and tricky as I have discovered many times. I got weak, I relaxed, I got to thinking I actually could eat whatever the hell I wanted just because it was a restaurant or social event and the next thing I new I was no longer maintaining and had gained real weight. I'm okay that I gained 1 lb because if it was all due to the low carb thing then I was meant to gain it back anyways and now I can continue on my way to get rid of it for real in a more realistic way. Thank you Tempest for your insightful comment about the possibility of gaining after low carbs due to glycogen...or something like that!
So Fat Piggy asks what's next? Well, the low carb thing was a great eye opener for me to see that calories are not always the end all be all, that I am not powerless when it comes to carbs and that I do need to keep an eye on that number as well. It was nice to feel in control of my eating again and stick to a plan. If nothing else it got my mind right. The plan is to just continue on with my low cal diet AND keep an eye on day to day carbs. When I'm above my target weight range I normally shoot for 800 cals per day. When I'm maintaining I've always shot for about 1,050 but I'm thinking of upping that to about 900-1,100 max and generally I like to push for lower but this way it takes into account variables. Also, if I'm watching carbs more I might end up with higher calories so I might need that cushion. We'll see how it goes. I was toying with upping the high end of my target weight range and decided that 112-115 feels okay instead of to 114. A three pound range might be more reasonable. It sure would be nice to see that low end again. 112.5 lbs is the closest I've been in a long time and that was weeks ago. As always, I'm still working on it.
Thanks so much to Skinny Bitch, Shebeelu, ednos Linny, Sofie, Isobel and everyone else who had such encouraging comments. Kitty, thanks for all of your awesome low carb tips.
Showing posts with label 114. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 114. Show all posts
Monday, April 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Not A Bad Weekend
So it turns out hubby was mad at me Wednesday night for not making him a salad. He gave me the silent treatment that night and we didn't cuddle in bed. It didn't strike me as something particularly horrible but after I said no I could tell that something was off between us and knew immediately why. Thursday night so as to make peace I picked up Subway after the gym. Normally it's what I would call my get out of dinner free night because he has basketball but I knew that if he came home and there was no food provided that he was going to be upset. We talked about it. It seems like he asks me to do stuff just for the hell of it and he knows how I hate kitchen stuff. It's his thing not mine. He said that he wouldn't have asked if he didn't need the help. I also think my reasoning is that I never ask for help so that I can't understand it when he does. I can't figure out why he'd ask me to do something he can do himself because that's what I do. Even if I was working out or I got home late I'm not going to ask him to make me a sandwich. I can do it myself. That's just me being very independent I guess. I also did tell him that he needs to do a better job with meal planning. He knows he'll be out Thursday late so why not plan ahead for food? It does make me feel a little bad that I don't have home cooked meals hot and ready for him all the time or even half the time but I do everything else in the house. He really can feed himself and I'm sorry but food is just going to have to be his deal. I obviously have issues with it. I could care less about food half the time and he knows it. This could be the one thing that he is in charge of besides taking the trash bins out. I said I'd start to do some cooking and I have. I plan the day to cook and I do it but outside of that....I just don't want to be bothered. I know I need to work on being more thoughtful of his needs. I don't think I should be responsible for having dinner ready every Thursday just because he chooses to play basketball but I should have some consideration that it just might be a nice thing to take care of food that night period. Instead of just plotting ways to avoid it. Friday night I made stir fry with beef strips as I planned. I think I'm off his black list but I do need to be more aware of his needs at least some of the time even if they do have to do with the dreaded kitchen.
I'm learning to be okay with maintaining even though what I really want is a loss. I used to consider maintenance a total fail and was only satisfied with losing but I have learned that even maintenance can be a gift. I maintained 115 for three days in a row and I was actually happy just to see that I didn't gain. It's a hell of a lot better then all the gains that have been going on so I'll take it.
Things could have been very bad for me on Saturday. A dining out day usually is just because lately even if I do eat more then usual but still not so bad I still end up with a major gain. Saturday morning I had string cheese and 1/2 cup of Fiber one and some pretzels. For lunch it was Panera with the family. I got a Chicken Cobb Salad with the reduced fat dressing and it came with a 2.5 oz piece of french bread. It was my mom's B Day so we had cake and ice cream. I had 2 mini cupcakes (the serving size was three) and 1/2 cup of light ice cream. Later I snacked on some crackers and Olive Tapanade. I had about 4 oz of wine. Total cals: 1,290. It's way more calories then I'd normally eat on any given day but it was controlled and I wasn't feeling overly full at any time.
Sunday I had to battle with the munchies. It was a rainy gray day and I basically spent the whole day lazing around on the couch. When I'm watching my shows on TV I want to be munching on something almost the whole time. It's like this compulsion and I literally have to force myself to stay out of the kitchen and away from the pretzels. It's such a terrible habit. We go through bags of pretzels because of me. I buy new bags on the down low to replenish the supply so he won't notice so much. Ironically, I ate less on Sunday but I gained. Only 0.5 which is okay and I'm still lower on a Monday then I've been in a while. I feel as though I'm not retaining water like I usually am. I drink and I pee. The BM's have been every four days which is not so great but it's better then not at all.
Yesterday was the first Monday in a while that I've not done horrifically over the weekend and was in major damage control mode. Since my weight isn't sky high after a pig out weekend hopefully I can make some progress. I'm doing heavy cardio this week. I did an hour on the elliptical yesterday and dropped 1.5 over night. My calorie budget went from 822 to 1060. I was happy to see 114.0 today but if I've learned nothing else it's to not get my hopes up about a nice loss. I'm taking it meal by meal.
This weeks challenge is dinner out on Friday with hubby AND dinner and dancing out on Saturday. I HATE it that this is back to back and normally I would not allow such a thing but it's the way it worked out. I promised hubby a steak dinner. We aren't going to go on a Tuesday so that means it'll be Friday. I'm trying not to let the timing on this freak me out too badly. Instead of being freaked out I just need to channel that anxiety into some self control. Control is always the goal after all.
I am freezing to death. The plug on my space heater and the outlet on the power strip that I plug it into was turning black and started smoking yesterday. That can't be good. I didn't want to start an office fire so I unplugged it and I won't be using it anymore. I went to Target on my lunch break and they aren't even carrying them anymore! I'll have to order one online. I need to replace the power strip too because it's a fire hazard. Only problem is the ONE outlet in my entire office is behind my giant 3 part immovable desk. I can't unplug the damn thing to replace it with a new one. Facilities is probably going to have to cut a hole in my desk for access to the outlet. So I sit here huddled under a blanket and wearing gloves with the fingers cut out so I can type. This sucks.
I'm learning to be okay with maintaining even though what I really want is a loss. I used to consider maintenance a total fail and was only satisfied with losing but I have learned that even maintenance can be a gift. I maintained 115 for three days in a row and I was actually happy just to see that I didn't gain. It's a hell of a lot better then all the gains that have been going on so I'll take it.
Things could have been very bad for me on Saturday. A dining out day usually is just because lately even if I do eat more then usual but still not so bad I still end up with a major gain. Saturday morning I had string cheese and 1/2 cup of Fiber one and some pretzels. For lunch it was Panera with the family. I got a Chicken Cobb Salad with the reduced fat dressing and it came with a 2.5 oz piece of french bread. It was my mom's B Day so we had cake and ice cream. I had 2 mini cupcakes (the serving size was three) and 1/2 cup of light ice cream. Later I snacked on some crackers and Olive Tapanade. I had about 4 oz of wine. Total cals: 1,290. It's way more calories then I'd normally eat on any given day but it was controlled and I wasn't feeling overly full at any time.
Sunday I had to battle with the munchies. It was a rainy gray day and I basically spent the whole day lazing around on the couch. When I'm watching my shows on TV I want to be munching on something almost the whole time. It's like this compulsion and I literally have to force myself to stay out of the kitchen and away from the pretzels. It's such a terrible habit. We go through bags of pretzels because of me. I buy new bags on the down low to replenish the supply so he won't notice so much. Ironically, I ate less on Sunday but I gained. Only 0.5 which is okay and I'm still lower on a Monday then I've been in a while. I feel as though I'm not retaining water like I usually am. I drink and I pee. The BM's have been every four days which is not so great but it's better then not at all.
Yesterday was the first Monday in a while that I've not done horrifically over the weekend and was in major damage control mode. Since my weight isn't sky high after a pig out weekend hopefully I can make some progress. I'm doing heavy cardio this week. I did an hour on the elliptical yesterday and dropped 1.5 over night. My calorie budget went from 822 to 1060. I was happy to see 114.0 today but if I've learned nothing else it's to not get my hopes up about a nice loss. I'm taking it meal by meal.
This weeks challenge is dinner out on Friday with hubby AND dinner and dancing out on Saturday. I HATE it that this is back to back and normally I would not allow such a thing but it's the way it worked out. I promised hubby a steak dinner. We aren't going to go on a Tuesday so that means it'll be Friday. I'm trying not to let the timing on this freak me out too badly. Instead of being freaked out I just need to channel that anxiety into some self control. Control is always the goal after all.
I am freezing to death. The plug on my space heater and the outlet on the power strip that I plug it into was turning black and started smoking yesterday. That can't be good. I didn't want to start an office fire so I unplugged it and I won't be using it anymore. I went to Target on my lunch break and they aren't even carrying them anymore! I'll have to order one online. I need to replace the power strip too because it's a fire hazard. Only problem is the ONE outlet in my entire office is behind my giant 3 part immovable desk. I can't unplug the damn thing to replace it with a new one. Facilities is probably going to have to cut a hole in my desk for access to the outlet. So I sit here huddled under a blanket and wearing gloves with the fingers cut out so I can type. This sucks.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Numbers Jan 23 - Feb 5
Well, I was doing really good until I blew it on Sunday. Such is life. 114 today and still plugging along. I am SO SORE from my work out yesterday! My right knee in the back is really hurting for some odd reason and I hope it goes away soon.
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Jan 23rd
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 1/23/12 | 819 | 949 | 681 | 268 | -551 | 114.5 |
| 1/24/12 | 1,065 | 763 | 661 | 102 | -964 | 114 |
| 1/25/12 | 1,065 | 827 | 0 | 827 | -238 | 114 |
| 1/26/12 | 1,065 | 916 | 0 | 916 | -150 | 114 |
| 1/27/12 | 1,062 | 886 | 55 | 831 | -231 | 113.5 |
| 1/28/12 | 1,062 | 895 | 214 | 681 | -381 | 113.5 |
| 1/29/12 | 1,062 | 898 | 11 | 887 | -175 | 113.5 |
| 2,690 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| Lost 1 pound this week | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 233g | 31.6% |
| Saturated Fat | 58g | |
| Cholesterol | 254mg | |
| Sodium | 8,794mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 936g | 56.4% |
| Fiber | 168g | |
| Sugars | 317g | |
| Protein | 199g | 12% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Elliptical | 1 Hour | 630 |
| P90X2 Ab Ripper | 15 Min | 55 |
| Situps | 15 Min | 34 |
| Stretching | 10 Min | 40 |
| Elliptical | 30 Min | 210 |
| House Cleaning | 2 Hours | 214 |
| Mix Class: Cardio, Ballet, Yoga | 1 Hour | 440 |
| Total | 1624 | |
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Jan 30th
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 1/30/12 | 1,065 | 708 | 0 | 708 | -357 | 114 |
| 1/31/12 | 1,062 | 745 | 290 | 455 | -607 | 113.5 |
| 2/1/12 | 1,055 | 844 | 0 | 844 | -212 | 112.5 |
| 2/2/12 | 1,055 | 930 | 0 | 930 | -126 | 112.5 |
| 2/3/12 | 1,059 | 910 | 371 | 538 | -520 | 113 |
| 2/4/12 | 1,059 | 955 | 0 | 955 | -104 | 113 |
| 2/5/12 | 1,062 | 1,588 | 150 | 1,438 | 376 | 113.5 |
| 1,550 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| No change in weight this week | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 231g | 29.9% |
| Saturated Fat | 59g | |
| Cholesterol | 595mg | |
| Sodium | 10,144mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 971g | 56% |
| Fiber | 141g | |
| Sugars | 293g | |
| Protein | 245g | 14.1% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Stretching | 18 Min | 60 |
| Situps | 5 Min | 11 |
| Video: Rael Pilates 27 | 48 Min | 150 |
| Elliptical | 30 Min | 300 |
| Elliptical | 30 Min | 290 |
| Total | 811 | |
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Magic Number
Wow. There is almost nothing new in my dashboard this morning. Not too many people are posting lately including me.
Every time hubby mentions that he has evening plans I do a little bit of a happy dance in my head. Not because I want him gone but because when he is the pressure is off for having to eat something and I can continue to chip away at my poundage. I take full advantage of it. Last week he had a few outings in the evening. This week he's been out of town on Monday and Tuesday so I got to work out hard since it's cardio week AND come home and just eat nuts, string cheese and an apple without having to defend myself or argue my right to do so. He'll be back tonight and the grilled Chicken and Brown Rice that I said I'd eat is still in the fridge so I'm pretty sure I'll have to eat that tonight. I can tell he's getting tired of my excuses. I also get the impression that he's tired of battling me because he hasn't "insisted" upon anything lately in terms of eating. I did PBJ for dinner three nights in a row once and he didn't say a word. I get away with what I can.
It's nice to feel in control of my eating again but not so nice that I've been struggling to lose. I was so ridiculously out of control over the holidays. The damage was done. It's the end of January and I'm still trying to fix it. I've been pretty good about getting some water in for the most part. It's best for me to do it during the day at work. If I wait until evening I'll fill up my 24 oz tumbler and it just sits there with the ice melting in it. I don't want to see a higher number on the scale the next day even if it is just water. One night I could barely take a sip but other then that I've been trying to get at least 12 oz in at work out of my new Pink water bottle. It's better then nothing. The BM's have been coming every other day or more often then not every two days. That's pretty good for me.
I called in sick Monday but I worked all last week because I had stuff that needed to get done. I'm better then last week but still not 100%. This cold is hanging on but I sleep like a rock thanks to NyQuil. About two weeks ago I was at 113.5. I went to happy hour, ate cheese and wine and haven't seen that number again since. Last Friday I met my friend for drinks and noshed a little more then I should have but the scale still went down thank goodness. It takes just one slip up to undo weeks of hard work so I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. I hate it when the scale says one thing and then another. I step on. 114. I weigh again. 114. I weigh again 113.5. I weigh again. 113.5. I do it one more time. 114...and again 114. So, I settled for 114 this morning. I want the 113.5 but if it doesn't turn up consistently then I haven't earned it. I'd rather err on the side of heavier then think I weigh less only to have it go up again the next day.
This cold hasn't stopped me from getting my work out on. No sirree. I am compelled to get my work outs in no matter how crappy I feel. Last night I went to my Mix class (cardio, ballet, yoga) which takes place in a studio with a full wall of mirrors. I check myself out in the mirror and I like the sliver of space I see between my legs and the bony angles in my shoulders and arms. I need to be toned and have that ab muscle definition that a lot of people will never have. I crave that validation. There is a sense of pride in being the thinnest one in class. I'm not the most successful, I don't make the most money and I'm not the smartest but being the thinnest is something I CAN DO if nothing else and it makes me feel good. Thank god that my mental well being is in a good enough place now that I can at least recognize this. Even knowing I'm thin doesn't stop me from wanting to see that magic number on the scale though. That magic number is security to me and anything above it means that this thing I love and need so much could be slipping away.
Comments:
Raynay: You do pole dancing too?
Yeah, sort of. Hubby bought me two classes and I've only gone to one so far which was the intro class. It was the newbie class so it was very slow but I did learn 3 moves. It was fun! At the next class I'll get to learn some more tricks. The one I'm going to do is very fitness oriented although they do offer sexier versions. I kinda want my own pole too!!
Yeah, sort of. Hubby bought me two classes and I've only gone to one so far which was the intro class. It was the newbie class so it was very slow but I did learn 3 moves. It was fun! At the next class I'll get to learn some more tricks. The one I'm going to do is very fitness oriented although they do offer sexier versions. I kinda want my own pole too!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Diet Analysis and X Mas Thin Day 10: 114
I found out what I already knew when I did my diet analysis for Nutrition class. My diet truly sucks. It's not just a matter of eating way less calories then recommended but I get hardly any of the nutrients I should be getting. It's not just about calories, fat, carbs, protein, cholesterol, sugar and sodium. There are tons of vitamins and minerals our body needs to function properly and I'm just not getting enough of almost any of them. Turns out it's a really good thing I do eat my 1/2 cup Fiber one almost daily. I was doing it for the fiber but because cereals are also fortified with many vitamins I've also been getting those too. It's actually the primary source for most of the vitamins and minerals that I do get on a regular basis. It was actually a pretty good exercise for me. I input my intake for 3 days which generated reports that included everything my body is supposed to get based on age and gender. It told me exactly where I was deficient and what percentage out of 100 that I was getting. Then I had to go through each and every vitamin and mineral that I was low on; which for me was pretty much everything and write two foods I could eat to increase it.
I got my two gym work outs in this week. Tonight I have to go home and clean house which I NEVER do on the weekdays. Uggg...it just feels so wrong to have to go home and clean after a long day of work. I found out my friend is in town. We'll be hanging out tomorrow night and she may need to spend the night. At least I won't have to do it on Saturday. Last night I so did not think I'd lose. I weighed myself after work and working out and I was a whole pound up for the day. I hate not being morning weight when I get home. I ate some snacks for dinner. I felt so hopeless about losing anything but I'm 114 today. 2.5 lbs down and 2 lbs to go. I am so scared about this weekend but at the same time determined not to mess up my progress so far.
Vitamin A (15%): carrots and eggs
Vitamin D (34%): Eggs and Salmon
Vitamin E (7%): almonds and sunflower seeds
Thiamin (55%): enriched grains, pork, legumes and seeds
Riboflavin (66%): Dairy products-milk and red meat-beef
Niacin (57%): chicken and peanuts
Pantothenic Acid (22%): meat and eggs
Vitamin B6 (38%): chicken and brown rice
Folate (47%): asparagus and oranges
Vitamin B12 (50%): beef and pork
Vitamin C (14%): Orange juice and strawberries
Potassium (11%): Fruits and Vegetables
Calcium (70%): Yogurt and Cheese
Magnesium (28%): whole wheat bread and spinach
Iron (49%): lentils and Baked Potato
Zinc (53%): Beef and Broccoli
In addition to calories I'm also low in Fat (77%), Omega 6 (21%) and Omega 3 (10%) fatty acids, Carbs (57%), Fiber (86%), Protein (83% although my Protein intake for my weight was listed as high) and Water (10%). I eat a ton of carbs but in relation to what my recommended daily calories are even that was low. If I actually ate 2,040 calories per day I'd be a cow!!!
So now that I have this specific information what will I do with it? I can't even remember to take a multi vitamin on a regular basis. I don't consider myself to have an eating disorder although I definitely admit to disordered eating and I do worry that my terrible diet is going to hurt me when I get older. I really need to focus on high nutrient density foods. The problem is that I tend to cut those out to indulge my sweet tooth and my snack tooth. I stay within my calorie budget and get my sweets but not nearly enough healthy foods that my body needs. It's real tough to fit in the Recommended Daily Allowances on intake when you only have 800 or even 1000 calories to work with. Damn near impossible unless you are very smart with your food choices. Which clearly I'm not. Sometimes I do have moments where I look in the mirror and see ribs, collar bones and boney shoulders and wonder what the hell I'm doing but I can't stop. I am compelled to restrict and make it my daily mission to stay skinny.
And here I go again. Hubby won't be home around dinner time so I'll probably do the same exact thing I did last night. Snack on random nutritionally void foods and then tell him that I ate a sandwich when he gets home. I'm a mess.
Monday, November 7, 2011
114 lbs...no big deal
Saturday ended up being a much longer day then I'd planned. I ran errands from 1-4:30pm then met my friend for dinner at 5pm. Then, I didn't get home until 8pm. I was gone for 8 hours and still can't believe I spent all that time running errands. But, I got a lot accomplished. I exchanged a movie, got my rings cleaned and inspected and finally got some picture frames for our wedding pictures. I'm just now getting around to framing them and I got a great deal on frames at Micheal's. I spent $34 bucks on 3 black 11x14 frames that matte to 8 x 10. Our B & W wedding pics look really great in them. I also bought some brown ankle boots at DSW with a $10 off coupon they sent me. I know, I know, I thought I was done with the shopping with the last round of boots but this time I really am. If I buy anything from here on out it'll just be a little something here or there. I really do have most of what I intended to get. Dinner with my friend was nice. We caught up on the goings on in our lives. We ended up at a Thai restaurant. We ordered the same thing. Pad Thai with Chicken (no peanuts). Yum, yum. It's only the second time at a Thai restaurant and that's what I got the last time I went to one. I'm guesstimating 785 calories. It wasn't a terribly big portion but big enough and it's all pasta which has tons of calories so that's that. We also had a glass of wine. I was way over on cals for the day but in my new I'm not stressing out anymore mindset I dealt with it well. Even after that I went to Walmart where I spent more money on some snacks for Sunday and a few other little things.
Sunday I lounged around the house and did laundry until my friend came over. We literally sat there and talked for about 4 hours. So much to catch up on. She has so much drama in her life it's unreal. I'm so glad she isn't mad at me about the whole foreclosure thing. She brought wine and I set out chips, tortilla chips, M & M's and almonds. I know. What was I thinking? I munched and munched and munched. It was quite ridiculous really. I ended up over calories again and most of it was literally junk. Of course that meant no dinner. After all that junk I wasn't really hungry and had consumed so many calories anyways that I couldn't. I felt bad because I didn't make dinner for hubby which I normally do on Sunday's when he's out of town for work. We had not much of anything in the house and my friend was there from 2:30pm until he got home so...anyways. I felt like a bad wife but I will do better. He ended up ordering pizza and I cut off a tiny sliver. We'll be eating the left overs for dinner tonight.
For obvious reasons I must go to the gym tonight. There is no maybe, I will be going no matter how tired I feel. I'm 114 lbs today after all that eating which isn't great but the best thing about it is that I didn't panic at all. I knew that I'd be back to some restricting during the work day and going to the gym. I barely peed this morning even after drinking a bunch of liquids the day before so I'm thinking that I might be retaining some water from my salty foods and that it will even out over the next couple days. No big deal. It feels really good not to feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin because of that number on the scale. I don't like it, but it's not ridiculously high AND I know I can get it back down.
I was doing OK but about 1/2 way through my work day I suddenly got really, really tired. I got enough sleep last night and the time change helped too. It must be sitting here at work at my desk in front of this computer monitor at work. Does it almost every time.
Sunday I lounged around the house and did laundry until my friend came over. We literally sat there and talked for about 4 hours. So much to catch up on. She has so much drama in her life it's unreal. I'm so glad she isn't mad at me about the whole foreclosure thing. She brought wine and I set out chips, tortilla chips, M & M's and almonds. I know. What was I thinking? I munched and munched and munched. It was quite ridiculous really. I ended up over calories again and most of it was literally junk. Of course that meant no dinner. After all that junk I wasn't really hungry and had consumed so many calories anyways that I couldn't. I felt bad because I didn't make dinner for hubby which I normally do on Sunday's when he's out of town for work. We had not much of anything in the house and my friend was there from 2:30pm until he got home so...anyways. I felt like a bad wife but I will do better. He ended up ordering pizza and I cut off a tiny sliver. We'll be eating the left overs for dinner tonight.
For obvious reasons I must go to the gym tonight. There is no maybe, I will be going no matter how tired I feel. I'm 114 lbs today after all that eating which isn't great but the best thing about it is that I didn't panic at all. I knew that I'd be back to some restricting during the work day and going to the gym. I barely peed this morning even after drinking a bunch of liquids the day before so I'm thinking that I might be retaining some water from my salty foods and that it will even out over the next couple days. No big deal. It feels really good not to feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin because of that number on the scale. I don't like it, but it's not ridiculously high AND I know I can get it back down.
I was doing OK but about 1/2 way through my work day I suddenly got really, really tired. I got enough sleep last night and the time change helped too. It must be sitting here at work at my desk in front of this computer monitor at work. Does it almost every time.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Same 2 Pounds
So, I realize I gain and lose the same 2 pounds over and over again. I lose then I get happy. I gain then I get all stressed out and upset about it. It's this cycle but it's only over 2 pounds which seems really ridiculous when I think about it. Isn't that what maintenance is? Maintaining within a certain weight range. I decided that 112-114 lbs would be OK. Actually, I said 114-116 lbs would be OK but every time I get to 114 lbs I start freaking out. I think for me it's mostly about the fear of losing control. When I get close to the high end it just makes me want to jump out of my skin. I've gotten better about just going with the flow and taking the 114's as they come but it still bugs me that I haven't been able to maintain 112 lbs for any consistent period of time. I managed 112 lbs for exactly one day last week. I actually did really good on Friday night. I was at 113 lbs that day and did not gain at all after going out to eat. Way to go me!! We met some friends for dinner and I had three steak street Tacos and one glass of champagne. Apparently it was the perfect amount of food. I was satisfied but didn't feel stuffed. We went to a Haunted House after that which was very disappointing. Not very scary at all-but it was still a fun night. Then Saturday I had to go and sabotage myself. The road to hell was paved with good intentions. I swear. I have all the best intentions in the world and next thing you know I've eaten too many calories and I'm left confused and totally annoyed with myself. I don't even know how this happens. We went to Outback and I thought my choices were OK but they sure did add up. I didn't over do it on the bread and I had crispy flatbread and a side salad. I drank my entire glass of water. I gained a whole pound by the next day. So Sunday I almost just didn't care. I felt like I should go work out but I did do my exercise video the day before and I just wanted chill. I had homework and DVR stuff to catch up on. I took a nap. I wanted to sort of relax myself and not stress so I just said "NO, I'm not working out, I will eat without freaking out, I have two heavy cardio days planned already and it will not be the end of the world." Hubby made pancakes. I ate them. I made french fries for dinner. Which sucked by the way. How could I ruin that? I baked them in the oven and I forgot to spray the pan so they sort of stuck and I couldn't risk flipping them over to cook the other side so they were not crispy on both sides. I'll do better next time. I decided I wanted a snack so I had a cookie and a piece of string cheese. I sort of just felt like...WHATEVER!! I just get SO TIRED of caring so darn much. I ended up with 1,236 calories which is totally uncalled for on just a regular day but oh well. I'm moving on. Compounding the problem is my persistent inability to poop. I had a good BM on Tuesday of last week, I did about 2 pellets on Friday night and that's all folks. I've been drinking water. I've not been totally starving. I've been eating my Fiber. What gives? I'm not even asking for every day but every other day or every two days would be great.
My HRM seems to be working out OK now. It's calculating less on the Elliptical then the machine does which sucks but I do want to know how much I'm REALLY burning. It calculated that I burned 280 calories during my exercise video on Saturday. I like it that I won't feel chained to the gym and work out machines just so I can get my calories calculated. I'm not sure what the issue was before...probably me just being lame. It is a bit annoying that you have to stop to test the heart and see the calorie count pop up ('cause of course that's all I really care about) so I might get one with a chest strap down the road but for now this one seems to be OK. It's fun to wear it doing every day activities just to see how much I burn. I also went shopping on Saturday! I had a 20% off coupon at Kohl's and I've been needing some long sleeved tops. I ended up with 2 identical open cardigan sweaters in two different colors and 5 tops. Only one veered off the course and was short sleeved because it was such a pretty pink that I couldn't resist it. All very good prices. I still feel a bit nervous about spending money with this foreclosure business still going on. I'm HOPING that I will finally receive a rent check for October (we usually get them on the 25th of the month) and that will be extra money to put into savings. It does feel good to be able to go out and buy what I need though without having a breakdown.
Oh my goodness! Work has been super busy for the last couple of weeks. We had someone get promoted out of the department so we've all gotten dumped with extra work. I don't even know if I can DO this project I'm working on that is due tomorrow. It is a formatting nightmare and I've got another pressing task to do. To make matters worse my computer got a virus Friday morning. Everything got wiped out so I floated around on Friday and felt all out of sorts while trying to do my work away from my office. I was stuck using Internet Explorer for reading blogs (not that I actually had time for it) and it wouldn't let me comment. I've been using FireFox because for some reason Explorer is very screwy for Blogger. One of my co workers is super chatty and I like her so I didn't mind chatting but I wasted too much time with this looming project coming up. My lunch break is over. I better get back to work.
Kitty is interested in seeing some day to day calorie logs of my intake so I will post some soon. I've been eating way too many cookies lately since hubby baked about a billion last week so don't be surprised if a bunch of them pop up!! I'm also working on a saga of what is my weight loss journey. I've been working on it for a while actually but I was waiting for my journals to clarify my time lines.
My HRM seems to be working out OK now. It's calculating less on the Elliptical then the machine does which sucks but I do want to know how much I'm REALLY burning. It calculated that I burned 280 calories during my exercise video on Saturday. I like it that I won't feel chained to the gym and work out machines just so I can get my calories calculated. I'm not sure what the issue was before...probably me just being lame. It is a bit annoying that you have to stop to test the heart and see the calorie count pop up ('cause of course that's all I really care about) so I might get one with a chest strap down the road but for now this one seems to be OK. It's fun to wear it doing every day activities just to see how much I burn. I also went shopping on Saturday! I had a 20% off coupon at Kohl's and I've been needing some long sleeved tops. I ended up with 2 identical open cardigan sweaters in two different colors and 5 tops. Only one veered off the course and was short sleeved because it was such a pretty pink that I couldn't resist it. All very good prices. I still feel a bit nervous about spending money with this foreclosure business still going on. I'm HOPING that I will finally receive a rent check for October (we usually get them on the 25th of the month) and that will be extra money to put into savings. It does feel good to be able to go out and buy what I need though without having a breakdown.
Oh my goodness! Work has been super busy for the last couple of weeks. We had someone get promoted out of the department so we've all gotten dumped with extra work. I don't even know if I can DO this project I'm working on that is due tomorrow. It is a formatting nightmare and I've got another pressing task to do. To make matters worse my computer got a virus Friday morning. Everything got wiped out so I floated around on Friday and felt all out of sorts while trying to do my work away from my office. I was stuck using Internet Explorer for reading blogs (not that I actually had time for it) and it wouldn't let me comment. I've been using FireFox because for some reason Explorer is very screwy for Blogger. One of my co workers is super chatty and I like her so I didn't mind chatting but I wasted too much time with this looming project coming up. My lunch break is over. I better get back to work.
Kitty is interested in seeing some day to day calorie logs of my intake so I will post some soon. I've been eating way too many cookies lately since hubby baked about a billion last week so don't be surprised if a bunch of them pop up!! I'm also working on a saga of what is my weight loss journey. I've been working on it for a while actually but I was waiting for my journals to clarify my time lines.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Numbers: Sept 19th-25th
Uggg! This week went from bad to worse. The numbers are going up not down and 115? Terrible! Every other day I did 1k + then under 1k. Totally not planned but it almost looks like I tried some sort of zig zag calorie plan....that didn't work. My body is fighting me right now. I can feel it. If I want any results I'm going to have to work for it. My sweet tooth, snacking and over indulgences are catching up with me. I'd better fix it fast before it's too late.
By the way I'm getting super pissed off at Blogger because this is the 3rd time I've tried to get this stupid post to publish to dashboard. Twice at work and now I'm at home. WTF? Have they decided that they aren't going to share my posts with my followers now or what. Here goes try #3.
By the way I'm getting super pissed off at Blogger because this is the 3rd time I've tried to get this stupid post to publish to dashboard. Twice at work and now I'm at home. WTF? Have they decided that they aren't going to share my posts with my followers now or what. Here goes try #3.
Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Sept 19th
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 9/19/11 | 1,065 | 964 | 11 | 953 | -112 | 114 |
| 9/20/11 | 1,065 | 1,037 | 500 | 537 | -528 | 114 |
| 9/21/11 | 1,059 | 995 | 0 | 995 | -63 | 113 |
| 9/22/11 | 1,065 | 1,680 | 250 | 1,430 | 364 | 114 |
| 9/23/11 | 1,065 | 698 | 0 | 698 | -367 | 114 |
| 9/24/11 | 1,072 | 1,514 | 661 | 852 | -220 | 115 |
| 9/25/11 | 1,072 | 898 | 0 | 898 | -174 | 115 |
| 1,101 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| Gained 1 pound this week | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 305g | 34.2% |
| Saturated Fat | 131g | |
| Cholesterol | 881mg | |
| Sodium | 13,439mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 1,054g | 52.7% |
| Fiber | 162g | |
| Sugars | 352g | |
| Protein | 261g | 13.1% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Situps | 10 Min | 22 |
| Elliptical 30 | 30 Min | 250 |
| Ice Skating | 1 Hour 30 Min | 370 |
| Elliptical 260 | 30 Min | 260 |
| Elliptical 500 | 1 Hour | 500 |
| Stretching | 15 Min | 21 |
| Total | 1423 | |
Monday, September 26, 2011
Crash & Burn
I haven't seen 115 since May and then there it is staring me in the face when I weigh in on Saturday and Sunday. Serves me right. I've been a pig. Thursday's dinner out and high calorie day meant that restricting on Friday wasn't that hard. But even after eating only 698 calories my weight was up that night. It freaked me out so I drank a bunch of water. If the numbers were high I could blame it on the water and trick myself into thinking I wasn't really getting fat. So Saturday I'm 115 and I still have burger night to get through. I went to the gym in the morning and had about two hours to chill before we went off to Ice Skating. It's really good exercise. You bet I was all over it trying to get in as many laps during the two hours that we had. The faster you skate the harder you fall and I crashed big time. I took flight, landed on my stomach and slid on the ice. I couldn't get up. I just laid there in pain. I took most of the fall on my right knee. Someone helped me up and handed me my camera and I inched my way over to the edge and sat down. I managed to get back out there but I didn't go as fast. I'm way better at Ice Skating then hubby. I enjoy this because it's rare that I'm ever better then him at anything. He kind of tottered around while I basically skated circles around him. It was fun. After that we stopped at his friend's house to see their new baby. Then we went to dinner. They put bread out which I ate. The burger and fries were delicious. It's been a year since I ordered that in a restaurant. I couldn't finish my fries which made me happy because I remember a day when it didn't matter how full I was. I'd stuff it in if it was something I really liked. I finished the day at 1,500 calories. A LOT for a normal day but ok for a dining out day. Then, we go over to hubby's friend's house which annoyed the hell out of me because he didn't really tell me about it. Earlier he said we "might" stop by L's house and then I find out that it's this big get together of guys so they could hang out in his back yard on his new deck. I knew there wouldn't be any girls there because why would a girl want to come and hang out there with a bunch of guys just sitting around outside? At dinner I asked why do we have to go? Why couldn't you have just told him you had plans for the night and wouldn't be coming? Why can't you tell them your wife bit the dust while skating and needs to get home? We just saw these guys at dinner on Thursday AND he saw half of them at biking that morning. Jeez. He's always telling his friends we'll stop by if we are out and it's super annoying sometimes. That's probably why he has really good friends and I don't but that's beside the point. He offered to take me home since I protested but we don't live on the way to anywhere so I sucked it up and went along. Sometimes that's what you have to do when you are in a relationship. I was the only girl and my knee was killing me. At least I got to keep warm in front of fire pit. I was practically in it; 1 inch closer and I would have been on fire. Other parts of my body started hurting by the time we got home. My left knee, my hip, my elbow. Instead of getting home before 9pm after dinner we were gone from about 1:00pm until 10:45pm!!
Sunday neither one of us left the house. He wanted Cinnamon biscuits so even though this quiet hysteria was rising up inside of me over my weight I didn't protest or try to convince him he didn't want them just to make it easier on me. I made them but limited myself to three. I felt like I was starving for most of the day. For dinner I had a wrap and stayed at 898 calories for the day. I need to keep my calories in the 800's to 900's max all week to fight this fat. 115 is not a good sign. I'm getting fat and I have to stop it. I spent the day doing homework, laundry and catching up on my shows. My knee was super swollen Saturday night but by Sunday it was much better. Thank goodness because I need to take my fat ass to the gym today. I'm sore from all that skating and a bit beat up and battered but not injured so I can make it. I'm 114 today and I need two more pounds gone. I've got a happy hour on Friday and a baby shower on Saturday. Sigh. Hubby got up and went to the gym this morning. I thought about it but couldn't get myself to do it although I am considering it in the future because I hate having to go after work. Chances are I'll be tired either way so...
I can't believe it's Monday already. I'm still trying to figure out where my weekend went.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Dining Out Challenge
I went from work to the gym last night. When I got home from the gym I was 113. So, the one pound gain wasn't "real" I was happy about that but bummed that now I had to go to dinner and potentially ruin it. I took a quick shower and we were out the door. I ordered the french onion soup for my appetizer and Top Sirloin Steak for my entree. I ate one potato skin off the appetizer platter and ate the bread I love so much but don't think I overdid it. His friends are the split the bill even type of crowd so even though I didn't necessarily feel the need for a drink I got champagne because we are going to end up paying anyways. I would have just ordered soup and been done with it but in the past I've done that and we get really screwed on the bill which isn't really fair. I took about 3 bites of rice and 1 bite of the steak and put the rest in the box to go. For dessert I ordered chocolate cake so I could take it to go but they didn't have it. My plan was ruined because the waiter brought my Molten Chocolate Lava Cake with ice cream and that's not exactly a to go kind of dessert. Later on I thought about it and I could have just eaten the ice cream and taken the molten part home but at the time it felt ridiculous to do that and I didn't even think of it so I just ate it. It certainly was good but as I was eating it I felt pretty disgusted because for once I was able to avoid ordering my favorite dessert but I ended up stuck with it anyways. Oh well. Overall it was a big success for me. I didn't feel ridiculously full, just regular content full. The cost for hubby and I was $110, which is typical. Every time we get together for dinner with his friends it's about $100 bucks. I shouldn't have weighed myself but I couldn't help myself. Seeing 115.5 gave me all kinds of anxiety I don't need before I try to fall asleep. We basically ate and then slept because by the time we got home it was time for bed. What a looong day. But dinner was fun and I'm so proud of myself for exercising some self control. I ended up at 1,680 cals total for the day.
This morning I went #2 thank god! The last time I went was Tuesday but every 3rd day is actually pretty typical for me and I'm grateful that I'm going even though I wish it would happen more often. I was sooo freakin' scared to weigh myself. I'm 114 lbs which is acceptable given the circumstances but not preferable. Tomorrow I plan to go to the gym. Then, we have our Ice Skating and Burger night date which should be fun. I'll get more physical activity skating. I've been nervous about the Burger part ever since hubby bought the Groupon but I WILL enjoy the burgers and fries because I rarely indulge on such a thing. No dessert of course and I won't be drinking any alcohol. I'm going to take super cleanse starting Saturday morning in preparation so I'll get cleaned out and then I can get myself on track for the coming week.
Surprisingly, I'm not super tired today. Just a little tired which is good. The day is going pretty slow. It's all gloomy out and I'm so happy to be able to go home and rest finally. I'm sipping on water and my goal is to eat clean today. For me that's no sweets, candy or junky foods. I'm planning to make a wrap for dinner tonight. Hubby can have my left overs.
This morning I went #2 thank god! The last time I went was Tuesday but every 3rd day is actually pretty typical for me and I'm grateful that I'm going even though I wish it would happen more often. I was sooo freakin' scared to weigh myself. I'm 114 lbs which is acceptable given the circumstances but not preferable. Tomorrow I plan to go to the gym. Then, we have our Ice Skating and Burger night date which should be fun. I'll get more physical activity skating. I've been nervous about the Burger part ever since hubby bought the Groupon but I WILL enjoy the burgers and fries because I rarely indulge on such a thing. No dessert of course and I won't be drinking any alcohol. I'm going to take super cleanse starting Saturday morning in preparation so I'll get cleaned out and then I can get myself on track for the coming week.
Surprisingly, I'm not super tired today. Just a little tired which is good. The day is going pretty slow. It's all gloomy out and I'm so happy to be able to go home and rest finally. I'm sipping on water and my goal is to eat clean today. For me that's no sweets, candy or junky foods. I'm planning to make a wrap for dinner tonight. Hubby can have my left overs.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Old Clothes
 |
| College Jeans |
I've also been reading my old journals. I started keeping a diary when I was 9 years old and basically never stopped. Then, when I stopped writing it all down on paper I started doing it online so my whole life is basically documented. It was interesting to read details that I'd long since forgotten about. Oh goodness how I hated myself then. I wrote how ugly I was and how fat. I know I'm hard on myself but sadly, I really was ugly. It was before braces, I wore ugly glasses, my clothes were awful and I just looked bad. My face looked so round and chunky. I wrote about what a loser I was, nobody liked me and I hated my life. My sophomore/junior year was really miserable because I had this hard core crush on this boy who didn't like me back and I did not deal with it well. My friends all had boyfriends and went to dances while I never did. I was a cheerleader and my Sr year I made prom court but nothing I did was ever good enough. I was so depressed and sad at such a young age. I wanted to be happy so bad but it always seemed to be just beyond my reach.
I already had body image problems by the time I was 12. I've felt fat as far back as I remember. I was a gymnast (always the tall one) then later on in high school got I into cheer leading. From reading my journals I discovered that at age 12 I was 5'2" and 105 pounds. I felt fat even though I can look back at pictures now and see that I was not. At 12-13 years old my body fat percentage was only 8% and I could do 7 pull ups. No way I was fat. Then, at 13 I shot up to 5'4" and 110-115 lbs. That number went up to 116 lbs. Then, I got to 5'5" and 120 lbs. Still not fat but you couldn't tell me that. I found all kinds of hand written food logs, weight loss calendars and notes on my measurements that I'd written out on paper. I found the very first one from when I really started getting serious about losing weight. I'd gotten up to 147 lbs at my highest!!!! Not fat but big and muscular. I was always solid as a rock. At that point I lost about 14 lbs over a summer but I put it back on. This weight loss didn't happen over night for me. This has been an obsession for a long time but it wasn't until years later that it got drastic, sort of took over my life, and got me down to a 110 lb size 0. I gained some after my metabolism crashed but now I'm right back where I used to be but a lot healthier. Oddly enough I realize that I weigh about the same as I did when I was 12-13 except that now I'm taller. I'm not even sure how that is possible.
I gained a pound over night. I've been starving lately and there have been sweets at home since hubby baked brownies so I've given into my sweet tooth. Still staying in my budget but it's about quality not just quantity. I'm starving and I'm going out to dinner tonight. Not a good combination. It feels counterproductive but I'm going to rush so I can get a work out in at the gym before we go. It'll just be a quickie 30 minute one but it'll make me feel better. I'm hanging onto my maintenance weight but barely. I feel I'm going to have to give myself a kick in the butt to cut out the extra sweets and the snacking. Oh, and the water challenge needs to happen very soon. It's another long exhausting day for me.
I just noticed something. 208 Followers!! It's taken me about 2 years to collect that many. Which is fine because I don't blog to see how many comments or followers I can get. I do this because I've been chronicling my life (average as it may be) since I was 9 and it's something I've always just wanted to do. It is nice to know that there are people out there who want to read my babbling. I don't claim to have an Eating Disorder but I know my behaviors around food and weight are not normal. I've always just sort of felt like I was in no man's land. I'm not Anorexic medically speaking. I'm not sick enough, thin, enough, or disordered enough to have a "real" problem. Where the hell do I fit in? Here, I know that I'm not alone in this. I am amazed at how similar I am to so many of you. I can't believe there are so many others who share my obsessions about calories and weight and food. It's been a great outlet to be able share thoughts and experiences that no one else in my life would ever understand.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Still Tired
I had a nice relaxing weekend. I didn't do a whole lot. Hubby was out of town for work so I was on my own. I watched movies, did a little bit of cleaning and ran a few errands. I STILL haven't gotten a pedicure because I can't be bothered with taking the time to go do it. I despise errands right now and that's just another errand for me. Maybe this weekend. I'm not sure what got into me. On Saturday I wanted Peanut Butter & Crackers so I had it. I knew I was just having a PBJ sandwich for dinner so I could fit some in and not have a totally outrageous calorie count. Then, Sunday it was Cheese and Crackers. Except I so should not have done it because I was planning to cook dinner. A low cal one but still. Did I mention the Snicker Miniatures I picked up while I was running errands and promptly devoured while I watched one of my movies? And then hubby made brownies. So, yesterday's calorie count was way higher then it should have been. I just figured oh well...I'll be going to the gym this week so I'll burn it off. I was feeling a bit discouraged as it's been days and days since I last had a BM but I just went so I'm happy about that. I can tell I'm dehydrated. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and can barely swallow. Even right now my mouth feels parched. I did drink about 24 oz of water last night just because I was so dang thirsty then immediately got upset this morning when I weighed in at 114 AND didn't really pee all that much. But, I know it balances out over time. So, I'm told.
It's Monday and I'm already tired. I don't know what it is with this unrelenting fatigue. I must not be getting enough sleep. I certainly don't want to spend my life in a tired fog of exhaustion so I need to figure something out. I did an exercise video yesterday. I'm proud of myself for doing that but not so proud of the fact that I'm going to flake on the gym today. Hubby is on this kick where he wants to start going to the gym in the morning before work and he wants me who has always said I would never in a million years go to the gym in the morning to go along with him tomorrow. Mind you he starts work an hour earlier then me so I'll already be going way earlier then I normally would if this was going to be part of my routine. Mind you he doesn't even need to go in the AM because he's got a kick butt schedule and gets off at 3:30pm with plenty of time to go after work and still get home in time to not have his whole evening gone. Mind you I have a final tomorrow after work (it's a short term one month one unit class is why). He really wants me to support him in this and help get him kick start this so I've agreed to go along reluctantly just this once...and I'm thinking that might just be all the gym I'll have in me for the week. Hopefully having that BM and getting rid of some liquids will get rid of the crappy 114 I saw today...along with a horrendously early elliptical work out tomorrow.
It's Monday and I'm already tired. I don't know what it is with this unrelenting fatigue. I must not be getting enough sleep. I certainly don't want to spend my life in a tired fog of exhaustion so I need to figure something out. I did an exercise video yesterday. I'm proud of myself for doing that but not so proud of the fact that I'm going to flake on the gym today. Hubby is on this kick where he wants to start going to the gym in the morning before work and he wants me who has always said I would never in a million years go to the gym in the morning to go along with him tomorrow. Mind you he starts work an hour earlier then me so I'll already be going way earlier then I normally would if this was going to be part of my routine. Mind you he doesn't even need to go in the AM because he's got a kick butt schedule and gets off at 3:30pm with plenty of time to go after work and still get home in time to not have his whole evening gone. Mind you I have a final tomorrow after work (it's a short term one month one unit class is why). He really wants me to support him in this and help get him kick start this so I've agreed to go along reluctantly just this once...and I'm thinking that might just be all the gym I'll have in me for the week. Hopefully having that BM and getting rid of some liquids will get rid of the crappy 114 I saw today...along with a horrendously early elliptical work out tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Liquid Fear & Full of It
Monday, no poop. Tuesday no poop. Wednesday no poop....so far at least. I got home Tuesday night after a long day of work, school and not eating and still weighed 114 lbs. I went to bed and woke up the next morning and what did the scale say? 114 lbs. I literally laughed to keep from crying. I so knew that would happen. I am the incredible non pooping woman after all. Everything that goes in stays in. I barely even pee right now and when I do it's dark yellow. I feel full all the time. I take a bite of food and I already feel uncomfortably full like I've eaten a ton of food and it's because I'm full of crap. I'm getting plenty of fiber so clearly I need to guzzle a ton of water but I'm scared. It's a terrible cycle. I'm constipated so I don't lose or I gain but because I've gained I'm too scared to drink the water that might help me. The number is already high enough, how can I fill my body with liquids that will only make it higher? So then I'm stuck. The most liquids I've been drinking in a day is my morning coffee which is 1/2 coffee diluted with 1/2 water (because it's too strong for me). Then maybe a half cup of water at home. Since we got our new refrigerator that dispenses water over a year ago my water consumption has gone way up. Probably still not at what is recommended but enough to keep my pee clear and along with my fiber keep things moving. When things are going good I'm eating reasonably, my weight is in the comfort zone, the food and liquids go in then they come out, I don't think as much about how much water I'm drinking and it's all good. But when I get nervous about my weight it triggers a fear of liquids and it gets to the point where I am too scared to take more then a few sips of anything at a time. It's basically a stand off. My body won't budge and neither will I. I've always had this liquid fear. I don't like that too full feeling it gives me. It makes me feel fat and triggers my anxiety about weight gain big time. So what now? Drink more water-duh!! But I'm scared. It's totally a mental thing.
At school I saw this tiny little asian girl wearing denim jeggings. Perfectly short and petite. Almost childlike. Then, I saw this other girl who was probably about my height and wearing a tight pair of jeans and a fitted cotton shirt. She was so tiny and so slim. I couldn't stop staring at her but I didn't want her to think I was a freak so I had to avert my eyes. I can't help but wonder if she is just naturally that thin. She even had that bony chest thing going on and then I hear her say "my daughter." How in the world could that tiny girl have delivered a baby? Jealous much? Yes. Very much so because next to both of those girls I felt like an elephant. I got home from class at 9:30pm took a shower and went to bed. My day was literally work and school. That's it. I was so tired that I slept like a rock last night. I feel well rested this morning and I'm going to the gym tonight after work. Hubby is making something with chicken breast so dinner should be safe enough. My appetite is sort of gone. It tends to disappear on me when I feel like a fat cow. Plus, since I'm full of shit I always feel full anyways which makes me want to eat even less. I've been dreading and fearing food more so then usual but the upside is that I just haven't been that hungry. I didn't get not one hunger pang yesterday on a 668 calorie day. The baby shower for Thursday got postponed. Thank god! Who plans a baby shower for a Thursday night anyways? There is no food function to worry about and I'll get to chill at home. It's barely 10:00 am. I still have many hours of work ahead of me. Sigh. Still praying for poops. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!
Comments:
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting in my time of dire need. I really appreciate it. Some tips for constipation I need to consider are Water to go along with the fiber (Em & A Quiet Battle), Green Tea & Kiwi (Kitty), and Super Cleanse (thinpls). Thanks! I also found out I'm not alone in my snacking addiction and TV watching/reading combo. Lindsay's tip is to ban snacking from certain rooms in the house. It's a great idea...if I could just get tough and force myself to do it.
I've also decided to give myself a real name here on blogger. I have found such a great community of supportive ladies here that it just feel right to have an actual name and not just a phrase to identify myself. Just call me Miranda dahling. You ladies are so awesome. It's like wow-there are actually people out there that totally understand the thoughts I struggle with every single day. You get me!! Thanks for reading.
At school I saw this tiny little asian girl wearing denim jeggings. Perfectly short and petite. Almost childlike. Then, I saw this other girl who was probably about my height and wearing a tight pair of jeans and a fitted cotton shirt. She was so tiny and so slim. I couldn't stop staring at her but I didn't want her to think I was a freak so I had to avert my eyes. I can't help but wonder if she is just naturally that thin. She even had that bony chest thing going on and then I hear her say "my daughter." How in the world could that tiny girl have delivered a baby? Jealous much? Yes. Very much so because next to both of those girls I felt like an elephant. I got home from class at 9:30pm took a shower and went to bed. My day was literally work and school. That's it. I was so tired that I slept like a rock last night. I feel well rested this morning and I'm going to the gym tonight after work. Hubby is making something with chicken breast so dinner should be safe enough. My appetite is sort of gone. It tends to disappear on me when I feel like a fat cow. Plus, since I'm full of shit I always feel full anyways which makes me want to eat even less. I've been dreading and fearing food more so then usual but the upside is that I just haven't been that hungry. I didn't get not one hunger pang yesterday on a 668 calorie day. The baby shower for Thursday got postponed. Thank god! Who plans a baby shower for a Thursday night anyways? There is no food function to worry about and I'll get to chill at home. It's barely 10:00 am. I still have many hours of work ahead of me. Sigh. Still praying for poops. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!
Comments:
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting in my time of dire need. I really appreciate it. Some tips for constipation I need to consider are Water to go along with the fiber (Em & A Quiet Battle), Green Tea & Kiwi (Kitty), and Super Cleanse (thinpls). Thanks! I also found out I'm not alone in my snacking addiction and TV watching/reading combo. Lindsay's tip is to ban snacking from certain rooms in the house. It's a great idea...if I could just get tough and force myself to do it.
I've also decided to give myself a real name here on blogger. I have found such a great community of supportive ladies here that it just feel right to have an actual name and not just a phrase to identify myself. Just call me Miranda dahling. You ladies are so awesome. It's like wow-there are actually people out there that totally understand the thoughts I struggle with every single day. You get me!! Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Where There's a Will There's a Way
I wasn't going to post today because I'm just so annoyed and upset but I need to vent. I did what I was supposed to do yesterday. I didn't over eat. I stayed under my calorie budget. I ate some unplanned cheese at work that was set out and I compensated by not eating a stick of string cheese later on. I went to the gym after work. I came home and I was still at morning weight. I had a sandwich and just one serving of pretzels for dinner and not a single snack after that. I drank some water. I went to bed expecting to at least maintain but nope. My stupid body has gone up to 114 again. I was 114 Sunday, 113 Monday and then back to 114?? WTF!! On top of it I can't seem to poop to save my life. I've been loading up on the fiber snacks. I had about 36 grams yesterday and still...nothing. I'm not expecting to go every single day although it would be nice but if I don't go today I will be pissed. I can actually feel that I have to go. I literally feel like I am full of shit and yet nothing comes out. Green Tea was suggested to me but I hate liquids so I don't know if I want to do that. The Fiber 1 has been working for me and keeping me fairly regular so maybe my system is still trying to get over that one day of laxatives.
I'm just overall annoyed. It still sucks but at least if I screw up and gain I know why it happened. When I do everything by the book as I have been doing in the past to maintain or lose but I don't get the results then it's very upsetting. I like things to make sense and when they don't it makes me feel out of control which makes me feel anxious which makes me feel fat which makes hate my body which makes me hate myself which makes me feel like a failure. It looks like I'll need to change some things up a bit because I can't give up. Oh, how I want to turn my back on all this madness and just say forget it. Just stop caring. Just eat. Just don't worry about the number on the scale. But I can't. I'm stuck in this cycle of never ending obsessive thoughts about food and numbers and calories. I've accepted that and now I just need to figure out a way to get my body back on track. I will do it. There is no other option. 114 is still somewhat tolerable....but barely and I can't risk going over that right now.
I do eat a lot of carbs but I've managed to stay where I want anyways...which I like but it's not working for me right now so I might need to cut back on that just to get out of this slump. I haven't even been shooting for super low calories because I haven't needed to. I've just been trying to stay at or under my current 1,065 calorie budget but I might need to strictly stick to 800 calories or below. There is no real pattern to what's happening so my chances of gaining on 800 seem just as good as gaining on 1,000. I have a big fear of metabolism shut down because it's happened and I know that 500 calories a day is not reasonable in the long run so my focus shifted away from ultra low calories a long time ago. I'm desperate so I might need to go that route for a bit. I will get two days of gym in this week and more is not going to happen so I'll just leave that as is. The good thing is that today I have class (even though it sucks and I will be tired as hell). There will be no temptations at home. I don't have to eat nothin' for dinner and I don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'll be eating my usual work snacks then after work I'll probably have one more just to help me get through class. When I get home I might have one snack but the calories are going to be super low today and maybe that's what I need. Then tomorrow it's back to the gym. If I am still 114 lbs on Thursday then I'll be throwing myself off of the nearest bridge. No just kidding.
I am reminding myself to calm down and be patient, consistent and reasonable because that's what got me where I wanted to be in the first place.
I'm just overall annoyed. It still sucks but at least if I screw up and gain I know why it happened. When I do everything by the book as I have been doing in the past to maintain or lose but I don't get the results then it's very upsetting. I like things to make sense and when they don't it makes me feel out of control which makes me feel anxious which makes me feel fat which makes hate my body which makes me hate myself which makes me feel like a failure. It looks like I'll need to change some things up a bit because I can't give up. Oh, how I want to turn my back on all this madness and just say forget it. Just stop caring. Just eat. Just don't worry about the number on the scale. But I can't. I'm stuck in this cycle of never ending obsessive thoughts about food and numbers and calories. I've accepted that and now I just need to figure out a way to get my body back on track. I will do it. There is no other option. 114 is still somewhat tolerable....but barely and I can't risk going over that right now.
I do eat a lot of carbs but I've managed to stay where I want anyways...which I like but it's not working for me right now so I might need to cut back on that just to get out of this slump. I haven't even been shooting for super low calories because I haven't needed to. I've just been trying to stay at or under my current 1,065 calorie budget but I might need to strictly stick to 800 calories or below. There is no real pattern to what's happening so my chances of gaining on 800 seem just as good as gaining on 1,000. I have a big fear of metabolism shut down because it's happened and I know that 500 calories a day is not reasonable in the long run so my focus shifted away from ultra low calories a long time ago. I'm desperate so I might need to go that route for a bit. I will get two days of gym in this week and more is not going to happen so I'll just leave that as is. The good thing is that today I have class (even though it sucks and I will be tired as hell). There will be no temptations at home. I don't have to eat nothin' for dinner and I don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'll be eating my usual work snacks then after work I'll probably have one more just to help me get through class. When I get home I might have one snack but the calories are going to be super low today and maybe that's what I need. Then tomorrow it's back to the gym. If I am still 114 lbs on Thursday then I'll be throwing myself off of the nearest bridge. No just kidding.
I am reminding myself to calm down and be patient, consistent and reasonable because that's what got me where I wanted to be in the first place.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Eat. Run. Suffer.
My friends and I had a blast on Friday night. I stayed out later then I have there in a long time; probably because I actually danced. I was just in the mood and the music was good. I got hit on a bunch which is always fun. One guy asked me for my autograph. I laughed of course and he said, "No seriously." I ate copious amounts of cheese, tortilla chips, drank a bunch of wine and even had two shots of Vodka to boot. Fun times.
Saturday I did my oil change in the morning and spent a nice relaxing afternoon at home. I'd gone up to 113 which I figured wasn't too bad considering. I kept my calories in the 800's but the damage was already done. I woke up at 114 on Sunday. Commence freaking out. This is my number that I start getting nervous at but did that stop me from pigging out on Sunday? Absolutely not. Sad as that is. I went to my parents house then we went to my mom's co workers house for lunch where I ate more then I should have. I even had the nerve to get a yogurt later. Non Fat but still. I didn't need it. I even had 1/2 a donut with it that I split with my sister and more wine. I had a great time hanging with my family but I hate it that I got so out of control with my eating. On the drive home I was just about jumping out of my skin with anxiety over how much I'd weigh. I felt like a fat cow. I didn't make it home until about 9 pm but I knew there was a work out in my immediate future no matter how late it was or how tired I felt. A nasty 116 lbs glared up at me from the scale. I've not gone up that high in a while even after a pig out. I took a dump, went down to 115.5 and went running because I had no choice. I didn't feel like driving to the gym so I put on my work out duds, laced up my sneakers and went running around the neighborhood. I don't do much running (and when I do it's on the treadmill) so I knew my endurance would be pretty low and that I probably couldn't run for any extended period of time straight. So I started out with running for 5 minutes then walking for 5 minutes and so on. My legs felt like lead and I felt like I was running so slow but I was sweating and my heart rate was up. After 40 minutes I'd done 24 minutes of running and 16 minutes of walking. It kind of sucked but oddly I started to get better as I went along. My last running burst was 8 minutes straight which is pretty good for me. I'm too broke to get my freaking heart rate monitor so I don't know exactly what I burned and just had to rely on what my app calculates which was 235 calories. I weighed again before I got into the shower and was down to 114.5. Mission accomplished but still more work to do. I melted into my bed with exhaustion.
Saturday I did my oil change in the morning and spent a nice relaxing afternoon at home. I'd gone up to 113 which I figured wasn't too bad considering. I kept my calories in the 800's but the damage was already done. I woke up at 114 on Sunday. Commence freaking out. This is my number that I start getting nervous at but did that stop me from pigging out on Sunday? Absolutely not. Sad as that is. I went to my parents house then we went to my mom's co workers house for lunch where I ate more then I should have. I even had the nerve to get a yogurt later. Non Fat but still. I didn't need it. I even had 1/2 a donut with it that I split with my sister and more wine. I had a great time hanging with my family but I hate it that I got so out of control with my eating. On the drive home I was just about jumping out of my skin with anxiety over how much I'd weigh. I felt like a fat cow. I didn't make it home until about 9 pm but I knew there was a work out in my immediate future no matter how late it was or how tired I felt. A nasty 116 lbs glared up at me from the scale. I've not gone up that high in a while even after a pig out. I took a dump, went down to 115.5 and went running because I had no choice. I didn't feel like driving to the gym so I put on my work out duds, laced up my sneakers and went running around the neighborhood. I don't do much running (and when I do it's on the treadmill) so I knew my endurance would be pretty low and that I probably couldn't run for any extended period of time straight. So I started out with running for 5 minutes then walking for 5 minutes and so on. My legs felt like lead and I felt like I was running so slow but I was sweating and my heart rate was up. After 40 minutes I'd done 24 minutes of running and 16 minutes of walking. It kind of sucked but oddly I started to get better as I went along. My last running burst was 8 minutes straight which is pretty good for me. I'm too broke to get my freaking heart rate monitor so I don't know exactly what I burned and just had to rely on what my app calculates which was 235 calories. I weighed again before I got into the shower and was down to 114.5. Mission accomplished but still more work to do. I melted into my bed with exhaustion.
I'm reminded of why I don't and probably shouldn't run outside on the hard unforgiving concrete. I'm an old lady and my body does not like me right now. My left hip feels like it's gonna break off and I have to make an effort not to limp. How sad. I'll be back at the gym today for an hour on the Elliptical and then probably tomorrow too trying to undo the damage. I'm already up two pounds so thank goodness I didn't gain from yesterday, probably because of my run, so I'm still 114 lbs but want to get back down to a comfortable 112 by Saturday when hubby gets home. It seems to be a cycle for me. I'll be super strict with myself for a long time and do really good then I start getting tired. I start slipping up and indulging more then I should here and there. I'll get away with it for a bit and then my body tells me, "Uh, uh....lady you are getting fat." The scale starts to creep up to the higher end of where I want to be and then I force myself back on track which is why my trigger number is 114 lbs. When I see that number I know it's damage control time.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Numbers June 13-19
113.6 lbs
It's a miracle that I still managed to be 205 calories under budget for the week. I'm still in damage control mode trying to recover from that 2,000 calorie mistake. I was doing really well with just accepting it and moving on. I did not want to waste any emotion on freaking out. Then I came home Monday night weighing more then I did that morning even after a dump, a solid day of restriction, no sweets AND a work out. I went from 114.2 to 114.8! I was starving and for what? Let the freak out ensue. I told myself it would be OK and I tried not to stress too much but seeing that made my heart drop. I went to bed fearing the scale the next day and worrying that I had really totally blown it this time. Thanks so much for all of your encouraging comments. I checked my e mail before bed and there was another comment from someone telling me that I could lose the extra pounds and not to worry and it really made me feel better. I hate it that I'm so affected by how much I weigh. It's so ridiculous but I just can't help it.
It's a miracle that I still managed to be 205 calories under budget for the week. I'm still in damage control mode trying to recover from that 2,000 calorie mistake. I was doing really well with just accepting it and moving on. I did not want to waste any emotion on freaking out. Then I came home Monday night weighing more then I did that morning even after a dump, a solid day of restriction, no sweets AND a work out. I went from 114.2 to 114.8! I was starving and for what? Let the freak out ensue. I told myself it would be OK and I tried not to stress too much but seeing that made my heart drop. I went to bed fearing the scale the next day and worrying that I had really totally blown it this time. Thanks so much for all of your encouraging comments. I checked my e mail before bed and there was another comment from someone telling me that I could lose the extra pounds and not to worry and it really made me feel better. I hate it that I'm so affected by how much I weigh. It's so ridiculous but I just can't help it.
| Daily Summary | ||||||
| Budget | Food | Exercise | Net | +/- | Weight (lbs) | |
| 6/13/11 | 1,005 | 967 | 560 | 407 | -598 | 112.4 |
| 6/14/11 | 998 | 1,029 | 540 | 489 | -509 | 111.4 |
| 6/15/11 | 1,022 | 856 | 0 | 856 | -166 | 111.2 |
| 6/16/11 | 1,022 | 876 | 16 | 859 | -163 | 111.2 |
| 6/17/11 | 1,021 | 1,143 | 0 | 1,143 | 122 | 111.0 |
| 6/18/11 | 1,023 | 2,060 | 0 | 2,060 | 1,036 | 111.4 |
| 6/19/11 | 1,036 | 1,108 | 0 | 1,108 | 71 | 113.4 |
| 205 calories under budget for the week | ||||||
| Gained 1.6 pounds this week | ||||||
| Nutrient Summary | % Calories | |
| Fat | 275g | 30.4% |
| Saturated Fat | 101g | |
| Cholesterol | 604mg | |
| Sodium | 12,177mg | |
| Carbohydrates | 1,135g | 55.8% |
| Fiber | 182g | |
| Sugars | 313g | |
| Protein | 281g | 13.8% |
| Exercise Summary | Calories | |
| Elliptical, 540 | 1 Hour | 540 |
| Elliptical 560 | 1 Hour | 560 |
| Sexual Activity | 35 Min | 16 |
| Total | 1116 | |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)