Magic Number

Wow.  There is almost nothing new in my dashboard this morning.  Not too many people are posting lately including me.  

Every time hubby mentions that he has evening plans I do a little bit of a happy dance in my head.  Not because I want him gone but because when he is the pressure is off for having to eat something and I can continue to chip away at my poundage.  I take full advantage of it.  Last week he had a few outings in the evening.  This week he's been out of town on Monday and Tuesday so I got to work out hard since it's cardio week AND come home and just eat nuts, string cheese and an apple without having to defend myself or argue my right to do so.  He'll be back tonight and the grilled Chicken and Brown Rice that I said I'd eat is still in the fridge so I'm pretty sure I'll have to eat that tonight.  I can tell he's getting tired of my excuses.  I also get the impression that he's tired of battling me because he hasn't "insisted" upon anything lately in terms of eating.  I did PBJ for dinner three nights in a row once and he didn't say a word.  I get away with what I can.

It's nice to feel in control of my eating again but not so nice that I've been struggling to lose.  I was so ridiculously out of control over the holidays.  The damage was done.  It's the end of January and I'm still trying to fix it.  I've been pretty good about getting some water in for the most part.  It's best for me to do it during the day at work.  If I wait until evening I'll fill up my 24 oz tumbler and it just sits there with the ice melting in it.  I don't want to see a higher number on the scale the next day even if it is just water.  One night I could barely take a sip but other then that I've been trying to get at least 12 oz in at work out of my new Pink water bottle.  It's better then nothing.  The BM's have been coming every other day or more often then not every two days.  That's pretty good for me.

I called in sick Monday but I worked all last week because I had stuff that needed to get done.  I'm better then last week but still not 100%.  This cold is hanging on but I sleep like a rock thanks to NyQuil.  About two weeks ago I was at 113.5.  I went to happy hour, ate cheese and wine and haven't seen that number again since.  Last Friday I met my friend for drinks and noshed a little more then I should have but the scale still went down thank goodness.  It takes just one slip up to undo weeks of hard work so I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible.  I hate it when the scale says one thing and then another.  I step on.  114.  I weigh again.  114.  I weigh again 113.5.  I weigh again.  113.5.  I do it one more time.  114...and again 114.  So, I settled for 114 this morning.  I want the 113.5 but if it doesn't turn up consistently then I haven't earned it.  I'd rather err on the side of heavier then think I weigh less only to have it go up again the next day.

This cold hasn't stopped me from getting my work out on.  No sirree.  I am compelled to get my work outs in no matter how crappy I feel.  Last night I went to my Mix class (cardio, ballet, yoga) which takes place in a studio with a full wall of mirrors.  I check myself out in the mirror and I like the sliver of space I see between my legs and the bony angles in my shoulders and arms.  I need to be toned and have that ab muscle definition that a lot of people will never have.  I crave that validation.  There is a sense of pride in being the thinnest one in class.  I'm not the most successful, I don't make the most money and I'm not the smartest but being the thinnest is something I CAN DO if nothing else and it makes me feel good.  Thank god that my mental well being is in a good enough place now that I can at least recognize this.  Even knowing I'm thin doesn't stop me from wanting to see that magic number on the scale though.  That magic number is security to me and anything above it means that this thing I love and need so much could be slipping away.

Comments:

Raynay:  You do pole dancing too?
Yeah, sort of.  Hubby bought me two classes and I've only gone to one so far which was the intro class.  It was the newbie class so it was very slow but I did learn 3 moves.  It was fun!  At the next class I'll get to learn some more tricks.  The one I'm going to do is very fitness oriented although they do offer sexier versions.  I kinda want my own pole too!!