Pre Vacation Weight

I got a new blog look.  It's not the greatest but it's what I could throw together.  I wanted to make it look less like a weight loss/ED looking blog.  I write about my weight here a lot but I don't want this to be a blatant weight loss blog; or lack thereof as it were.  That's kind of what it ends up being because this is my place to vent and talk about whatever I want freely.  One of my favorite problems to vent about is weight but I need this blog to feel like more then just that right now.  I was so frustrated with weight loss that I stopped writing here but I don't want to feel like I should stop writing here because I suck at losing weight now or because I'm not eating disordered enough.  I absolutely don't have this all figured out.  I absolutely know that I am extremely obsessed with food, eating, not eating, weight and being skinny.  I do not know that I have an ED.  I'm just obsessed and I need a place I can talk about that and this is it.  A lot of people have weight loss blogs but I feel like mine would be frowned upon because I'm not actually overweight.  I actually don't need to lose any weight.  I'm actually slightly underweight and I like to be skinny.  That sort of mentality is not exactly looked kindly upon. I'm kinda in between and feel like I don't really quite fit anywhere.

My pre vacation weight is horrendous.  121.8.  That's only 1 pound under my high WTF weight.  I usually work my butt off to get it as low as possible so that I can go on vacation and ruin it but I've been feeling as though nothing I do helps and that most of my efforts are futile so I did not go to the gym at all this week. I did my exercise video on Sunday and called it a night.  I needed to focus on packing and I just couldn't deal with it.  That being said, I know that the moment I get back I'm going to need a plan.  In order to not freak out right now I need to know that there is a plan in place to undo whatever damage is about to be done.  Or at least tame it.

I'll be gone from Friday to Monday.  I do plan to do a hard core cardio work out on Sunday while I'm in Vegas.  I probably will not work out on Monday what with the long drive we'll have and how exhausted I'll be.  I will work out hard core cardio on Tuesday and I think I will also juice fast starting Tuesday for two or three days depending on how I feel.  I haven't prepped for this so I'll just have to buy the juice.

I'll have to watch my intake as best I can after that and then the following week I go on vacation again for a week.  I can only imagine how horribly fat I might be after all of this.  I'll do whatever cardio work outs I can fit in when I get back and probably even throw in another juice fast.

After that I'm going to do the 30 day shred and incorporate a healthy eating/controlled snacking plan that hopefully I can stick to that will go along with it.  My main focus will be protein, veggies, fruit, strict portion control on any "snack type" foods that I do eat and eating in a way that will allow me to be sated.  I want to learn how to get back to portion control on things I like so I don't want to say I'm cutting them out completely because I think in the long run that won't work.  I need to learn how to be in control of eating them.  Constantly being hungry only leads me to snacking and obsessing about eating food so I'm going to try something a little different this time.  Instead of focusing on eating as little calories as possible I will also focus on the content of those calories.  Maybe if I'm not starving AND I'm working to be conscious of it the empty calorie snacking will be less of an issue.  Like Tortilla chips.  Or even healthy snacks like nuts.  I need to learn how to eat them appropriately instead of just saying I can't keep them in the house.  I need to learn control again.  If that means I'm measuring everything then so be it and my husband is just going to have to deal with it.  He doesn't understand that I'm also a food addict and if I need to weigh and measure things then that's what I'm going to need to do.  Might as well try something new since I've tried just about everything else.  I'll probably start that June 16th.  Ideally, I want to stick with the 30 day shred daily until I have reached 30 days of having done it.  I may skip it in favor of cardio here and there and I will allow for days that I may not be able to fit it in so it will end up taking me more then 30 days but that's okay with me.

Main Focus Foods:
Salads
Chicken
Steak
Turkey
Vegetables
Fruits
Cheese
Nuts

So yeah, that's the plan. It's really sad to say this but if starving were working for me right now I'd probably still be doing it.  Eating 800 calories of empty calories or whatever else I wanted stopped working.  When the pay off wasn't there it no longer became worth it to suffer so much.  It could be metabolism, age or whatever.  The end goal for me is thin.  If starving doesn't work then I need to try something else.  

It also turns out that my fibroids could be part of the issue I've been having with water retention.  Apparently when you have fibroids your estrogen levels are higher and that can cause water retention, bloating and constipation.  I'm planning to get these suckers taken out.  They seem to be getting bigger.  They make my belly bigger then it actually is and that drives me crazy. Plus, there is pressure in my belly.  My uterus is at 18 weeks pregnancy size.  No bueno.

I am so unfocused at work right now it's ridiculous.  

Juice Fast

I've been doing a Juice fast since Sunday night.  I ate 3 slices of the cheesiest pizza you have ever seen on Sunday and haven't eaten a thing since.  Hubby bought a juicer last week and it was his idea to try it.  We've been hearing about the juicing craze for a while now.  They say that giving your body a break from digestion and ingesting 100% liquid nutrients can have very positive health results.  I may tell my co workers that's the only reason I'm trying it but the real side perk for me is to escape food and maybe see a lower number on the scale.  Even if I know that it probably won't last.  I've always been one to say I could never ever fast.  I can restrict but to go without food completely just seemed like something I wouldn't be able to do.  Nor did I really want to even though my ultimate goal for so long has been to eat as little as possible.  I never had a plan of what I would consume during the fast but the juicer solves that problem.  Knowing that the juice is natural and full of nutrients helps me to believe that my body can get through it as long as my mind can keep up.  My biggest symptom so far  is being super sleepy.  I can't be sure if it's normal sleepy or lack of food sleepy.  I did have coffee today but that's my only cheat.  I was falling asleep on the couch last night and so tired most of the work day.  I perked up a bit later and I just feel normal tired now because it's after 10pm.  feel fine now.  Just normal tired.  there is a hollow pit in my stomach where food usually is.  I'm constantly aware of it but it's not too bothersome.  

I haven't been nearly as ravenous as I thought I'd be.  The hunger actually isn't that bad.  I miss the action of food more then anything else which is ridiculous because eating is not an activity.  I treat it that way though.  It's something to do and it's a reward.  It's almost easier to eat nothing then to try to eat in moderation.  Nothing means no options.  No little bite here or a nibble there.  One bite can't ever lead to another when there is no bite to begin with.  Hubby gave in today and ate.  He was at work and literally couldn't work anymore without getting some food.  Tomorrow (Wednesday) will be day 3.  Not a terribly long time but the longest I've ever gone without consuming any solid food.  My goal is 3-5 days.  Depending on how I feel tomorrow I may push for another day or two.  It's so much harder when hubby is eating.  He had pancakes for dinner tonight and it smelled so good.  I couldn't have even a single bite.

I really want to never eat again because as much as I love food in the moment in the end it always makes me feel fat and terrible about myself.  I keep asking myself.  Is it really the worst thing in the world to be a 5'7" 120 lbs girl who fits into a size 0 or 2 depending on the clothing store that people still refer to as "skinny."  Probably not.  For the last few weeks I've sort of thrown my hands up when it comes to weight loss.  My weight has been pretty much maintaining around 119-120 no matter  what I do so I basically said screw it.  Even with that screw it mentality I'd just go up and down a pound and that was it.  I've basically just been eating what I want sticking around 1k calories as my goal.  Going some over and some under.  Over this last weekend I REALLY said screw it and ate out Italian on Friday, Mexican on Saturday and Pizza on Sunday.  On Monday I was up to 122.6 which is a high I've hit before over the last year and also the highest weight I've been in years and years.  I've gotten almost numb to the crap that I see on the scale every day.

I don't see this juice fast as a solution but it certainly feels good to be free from the thing that haunts me every day.  Food.  I'm obsessed with it and I hate it all at the same time.   There are two juice combos that I'm doing.  The veggie based one is 24-36 oz of the Mean Green; Kale, Lemon, Ginger, Apples and Cucumber during the day.  It takes me all day to finish sipping on it which is a good thing.  The fruity one is 12 oz of Pineapple, Oranges, Mango and Strawberries for dinner.  I made a new combo of Carrots, Kale and Apples for the day tomorrow.  After that I'm all out and if I continue to stick with liquids I'm going to find a meal replacement smoothie kind of something for Thursday and Friday.  The thing about juicing is it's extremely high carbs and if you throw any fruit in there it's pretty high sugar too.  It's not something that I really realized before.  I think it would taste awful though without some sort of fruity fruit.  BUT, if it's all clean and all I'm eating I don't feel too bad about it.  It would be very hard for me to juice and eat because I'd just feel like it's too much carbs on top of whatever food.  Unless I was really good and just ate protein but with my snacky self that probably wouldn't happen.  Unless I really change my total outlook.  The protein and Fiber is high and the Sodium and Fat is very low.  I'm estimating on what I'm drinking in a day; I'm at about 950 calories for the day of pure clean juice.  I always thought juicing would be way lower.  I'm running to the bathroom a lot.  It'll be interesting to see if I have a BM or not with no digesting of food.

On another note, work did finally die down thank god.  It was so crazy for a while I thought I'd lose it.  My Birthday last week was awesome. I got in some quality ME time.  Shopping calmed down for Jan-March but April I did some shopping and I'm blaming my Birthday.  My mother in law has sent some Birthday cash so it will balance out okay.  I got booked for a modeling shoot too which I was super excited about.  The casting was 2 weeks ago and they liked me.  It's a Catalog for a Baby Toy company.  I did the first day on Monday for 3 hours and I'm scheduled to shoot again on Friday for two hours.  I'm really excited to be doing some modeling again and for the extra money that it will bring in.   Somehow it just fell into place that I was able to do it.  I did have to make up a fib about a Dr appointment on Monday and may make up a new one for Friday but it's doable.