Pre Vacation Weight

I got a new blog look.  It's not the greatest but it's what I could throw together.  I wanted to make it look less like a weight loss/ED looking blog.  I write about my weight here a lot but I don't want this to be a blatant weight loss blog; or lack thereof as it were.  That's kind of what it ends up being because this is my place to vent and talk about whatever I want freely.  One of my favorite problems to vent about is weight but I need this blog to feel like more then just that right now.  I was so frustrated with weight loss that I stopped writing here but I don't want to feel like I should stop writing here because I suck at losing weight now or because I'm not eating disordered enough.  I absolutely don't have this all figured out.  I absolutely know that I am extremely obsessed with food, eating, not eating, weight and being skinny.  I do not know that I have an ED.  I'm just obsessed and I need a place I can talk about that and this is it.  A lot of people have weight loss blogs but I feel like mine would be frowned upon because I'm not actually overweight.  I actually don't need to lose any weight.  I'm actually slightly underweight and I like to be skinny.  That sort of mentality is not exactly looked kindly upon. I'm kinda in between and feel like I don't really quite fit anywhere.

My pre vacation weight is horrendous.  121.8.  That's only 1 pound under my high WTF weight.  I usually work my butt off to get it as low as possible so that I can go on vacation and ruin it but I've been feeling as though nothing I do helps and that most of my efforts are futile so I did not go to the gym at all this week. I did my exercise video on Sunday and called it a night.  I needed to focus on packing and I just couldn't deal with it.  That being said, I know that the moment I get back I'm going to need a plan.  In order to not freak out right now I need to know that there is a plan in place to undo whatever damage is about to be done.  Or at least tame it.

I'll be gone from Friday to Monday.  I do plan to do a hard core cardio work out on Sunday while I'm in Vegas.  I probably will not work out on Monday what with the long drive we'll have and how exhausted I'll be.  I will work out hard core cardio on Tuesday and I think I will also juice fast starting Tuesday for two or three days depending on how I feel.  I haven't prepped for this so I'll just have to buy the juice.

I'll have to watch my intake as best I can after that and then the following week I go on vacation again for a week.  I can only imagine how horribly fat I might be after all of this.  I'll do whatever cardio work outs I can fit in when I get back and probably even throw in another juice fast.

After that I'm going to do the 30 day shred and incorporate a healthy eating/controlled snacking plan that hopefully I can stick to that will go along with it.  My main focus will be protein, veggies, fruit, strict portion control on any "snack type" foods that I do eat and eating in a way that will allow me to be sated.  I want to learn how to get back to portion control on things I like so I don't want to say I'm cutting them out completely because I think in the long run that won't work.  I need to learn how to be in control of eating them.  Constantly being hungry only leads me to snacking and obsessing about eating food so I'm going to try something a little different this time.  Instead of focusing on eating as little calories as possible I will also focus on the content of those calories.  Maybe if I'm not starving AND I'm working to be conscious of it the empty calorie snacking will be less of an issue.  Like Tortilla chips.  Or even healthy snacks like nuts.  I need to learn how to eat them appropriately instead of just saying I can't keep them in the house.  I need to learn control again.  If that means I'm measuring everything then so be it and my husband is just going to have to deal with it.  He doesn't understand that I'm also a food addict and if I need to weigh and measure things then that's what I'm going to need to do.  Might as well try something new since I've tried just about everything else.  I'll probably start that June 16th.  Ideally, I want to stick with the 30 day shred daily until I have reached 30 days of having done it.  I may skip it in favor of cardio here and there and I will allow for days that I may not be able to fit it in so it will end up taking me more then 30 days but that's okay with me.

Main Focus Foods:
Salads
Chicken
Steak
Turkey
Vegetables
Fruits
Cheese
Nuts

So yeah, that's the plan. It's really sad to say this but if starving were working for me right now I'd probably still be doing it.  Eating 800 calories of empty calories or whatever else I wanted stopped working.  When the pay off wasn't there it no longer became worth it to suffer so much.  It could be metabolism, age or whatever.  The end goal for me is thin.  If starving doesn't work then I need to try something else.  

It also turns out that my fibroids could be part of the issue I've been having with water retention.  Apparently when you have fibroids your estrogen levels are higher and that can cause water retention, bloating and constipation.  I'm planning to get these suckers taken out.  They seem to be getting bigger.  They make my belly bigger then it actually is and that drives me crazy. Plus, there is pressure in my belly.  My uterus is at 18 weeks pregnancy size.  No bueno.

I am so unfocused at work right now it's ridiculous.