I wasn't going to post today because I'm just so annoyed and upset but I need to vent. I did what I was supposed to do yesterday. I didn't over eat. I stayed under my calorie budget. I ate some unplanned cheese at work that was set out and I compensated by not eating a stick of string cheese later on. I went to the gym after work. I came home and I was still at morning weight. I had a sandwich and just one serving of pretzels for dinner and not a single snack after that. I drank some water. I went to bed expecting to at least maintain but nope. My stupid body has gone up to 114 again. I was 114 Sunday, 113 Monday and then back to 114?? WTF!! On top of it I can't seem to poop to save my life. I've been loading up on the fiber snacks. I had about 36 grams yesterday and still...nothing. I'm not expecting to go every single day although it would be nice but if I don't go today I will be pissed. I can actually feel that I have to go. I literally feel like I am full of shit and yet nothing comes out. Green Tea was suggested to me but I hate liquids so I don't know if I want to do that. The Fiber 1 has been working for me and keeping me fairly regular so maybe my system is still trying to get over that one day of laxatives.
I'm just overall annoyed. It still sucks but at least if I screw up and gain I know why it happened. When I do everything by the book as I have been doing in the past to maintain or lose but I don't get the results then it's very upsetting. I like things to make sense and when they don't it makes me feel out of control which makes me feel anxious which makes me feel fat which makes hate my body which makes me hate myself which makes me feel like a failure. It looks like I'll need to change some things up a bit because I can't give up. Oh, how I want to turn my back on all this madness and just say forget it. Just stop caring. Just eat. Just don't worry about the number on the scale. But I can't. I'm stuck in this cycle of never ending obsessive thoughts about food and numbers and calories. I've accepted that and now I just need to figure out a way to get my body back on track. I will do it. There is no other option. 114 is still somewhat tolerable....but barely and I can't risk going over that right now.
I do eat a lot of carbs but I've managed to stay where I want anyways...which I like but it's not working for me right now so I might need to cut back on that just to get out of this slump. I haven't even been shooting for super low calories because I haven't needed to. I've just been trying to stay at or under my current 1,065 calorie budget but I might need to strictly stick to 800 calories or below. There is no real pattern to what's happening so my chances of gaining on 800 seem just as good as gaining on 1,000. I have a big fear of metabolism shut down because it's happened and I know that 500 calories a day is not reasonable in the long run so my focus shifted away from ultra low calories a long time ago. I'm desperate so I might need to go that route for a bit. I will get two days of gym in this week and more is not going to happen so I'll just leave that as is. The good thing is that today I have class (even though it sucks and I will be tired as hell). There will be no temptations at home. I don't have to eat nothin' for dinner and I don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'll be eating my usual work snacks then after work I'll probably have one more just to help me get through class. When I get home I might have one snack but the calories are going to be super low today and maybe that's what I need. Then tomorrow it's back to the gym. If I am still 114 lbs on Thursday then I'll be throwing myself off of the nearest bridge. No just kidding.
I am reminding myself to calm down and be patient, consistent and reasonable because that's what got me where I wanted to be in the first place.
I know you hate liquids, but that might be just what you need. With all the fiber you're taking in, you need fluids to help push everything out.
ReplyDeleteI know it's difficult, but don't panic. Minor fluctuations in weight are natural and pretty well uncontrollable, as maddening as that can be. Our bodies are just goofy that way. Look at the big picture...you've maintained within a few pounds for months. That is fabulous!
:o( I have been experiencing the same issues! But I'm at a whopping 126 instead of lovely 114. I would LOVE to be 114 right now. But I understand the feeling; regardless of the number the feeling is absolutely the same... I've been full of shit the past few days too. And I too have been eating 30+ grams of fiber. I think what I'm going to do is drink water each time I eat a high-fiber food. Apparently bulking agents like fiber need water to work well. So if I eat prunes then I'll drink at least 12 oz of water with it and the same with Fiber One cereal. My next option is to eat more spinach and not eat refined carbs. This will probably be difficult for me, but I find the less refined sugars/carbs I eat the more regular my digestion is. Maybe this will work for you too? I know liquids aren't your thing, but I've been researching fiber/constipation/BM etc. and all signs point to maintaining good hydration to keep things moving...
ReplyDeleteOh honey. :( You are most likely gaining cause you haven't been able to go..
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you the other day.. Met my mum in Germany that weekend we were away and we got into the stomach #2 talk.. (don't ask why) anyways, she said she has been having problems with it for years and it helps her to eat 1-2 Kiwi's.. So maybe since you don't like the idea of green tea- a kiwi or two would help??
Two of them would be around 100 calories, but it might just be worth it...
*hugs*
Stay Strong, lady. You're doing everything right so it's only a matter of time before your body should cooroperate again. Are you a coffee drinker? A strong btw from Starbucks should get things moving through you. I sometimes use a product called Super Cleanse (from GNC or Amazon). Its fairly gentle and doesn't disrupt my day. I take it before I go to sleep then when I wake up I immediately have a BM (sorry if that's TMI).
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think this was already mentioned. But when you have a lot of fiber in your diet you need to have a lot of water too for the fiber to move through you, otherwise it sort of just sits there.
Don't be too hard on yourself. 114 is awesome... but I understand that you want to be lower.