Working Through It

I mentioned this before but my co worker who is technically my supervisor and I have totally drifted apart.  It's really weird.  We used to chat all the time.  I was invited to her wedding.  We are about the same age and have a lot in common so I fancied that we would probably get together for a double date outside of work one day.  I started to notice that she wasn't so chummy anymore.  She stopped coming by my office to chat.  At first I was kind of hurt.  I noticed that she'd started chatting with D more and more instead of me.  I  see her stopping to chat with everyone else but me.  She walks right past my door and looks to see if D or S is in and if not she turns right around.  I'm not sure what happened or what has changed.  Maybe she found out everything she wanted to know and more about me and  lost interest.  When I first noticed it  I made the effort to get up and chat with her when I saw that she wasn't going to talk to me.  I guess I'm over it now.  I stopped trying so now we barely even say two words to each other one on one all day.  If I have something work related to say I do but that's about it.  She is one of the chattier ones in our office so a lot of time she'll be in the hall chatting with the others.  I come out and join in too sometimes so we speak in the group but not just to each other.  Whatever.  It's fine.  I'm not super chatty in general.  I think she's cool and I did enjoy talking to her but I'm fine with keeping to myself too.  She got pregnant because she switched health insurance without fully doing her research and then discovered she couldn't afford birth control anymore so decided to try the rhythm method.  I'm not sure how much sense that makes.  She's about to join the mommy cult so she has way more in common with the friends she already has.  I think most of them have kids.

That's okay because I have my own friends.  My two oldest friends both moved out of state a long time ago and for a while I had no friends to speak of that were nearby.  On Friday I got a bunch of us together for dinner and it was really fun.  My big sister got to come too before she left.  There were 7 of us altogether, so not counting my sister that's 6 friends. That's 6 people that actually like me and want to hang out with me.  I used to beat myself up over it.  Like, what's wrong with me that no one likes me? I'm too much of a homebody to need a ton of friends.  I value quality over quantity anyways.  It's a good feeling to finally have girlfriends.  I almost can't believe it.  There was a time when I was so depressed that even if I had friends I'd have run them off because I was so sad and didn't have anything to offer or even want to do anything.  I have come so far from the single, depressed, miserable and lonely girl that I was back in 2005-2007.

I was retaining water bad yesterday so I'm pretty sure that's why my weight was up this morning.  I had to pee by 10am today so it looks like it was just a one day thing this time.  I've actually been trying to at least do 1,000 calories a day.  I'm no longer striving to stay under that and I even cut my cardio work out from 1 hr to 45 minutes yesterday.  I actually didn't want to burn up too many calories.  If my metabolism is screwed; which I kind of think it is then being under 1,000 calories is only going to make things worse.  I was finding that on days that I ate 800 calories or 1,000 and burned 500 in cardio I'd weigh more the next day.  That's definitely a sign that my metabolism is screwed.  I've also gotten comments that the muscles retain water after a heavy work out.  I got hungry last night and kinda went a little overboard with my snacks.  I ate 3 LF graham crackers for 210 and one 100 calorie pecan spinwheel that I didn't plan on bringing my calories for the day to 1,386 intake and 996 net after burning 390 calories.  I upped my budget to 1,300 because that's where I should be based on all the calculations but with no real intention of planning to hit it.  I mostly end up around 1,000-1,100.  I am inching closer and closer to the higher end and I feel okay about it as long as it is mostly planned and healthy eats and not 1,300 because I pigged out on something bad.

I still worry that people notice that I'm bigger.  I think that's the worse thing.  Comparing myself to how I was and worrying about what others think.  I'm trying to work through this weight gain as best I can.  Starving won't work.  I have to eat.  And if my metabolism does rebound with some time (provided that's even the problem) then from there I would like to try to get back to 118 lbs.  I've learned my lesson.  Chances are I won't strive for anything less.

Kat not Jas asked about dining out tips.  The best thing I can say is to REALLY REALLY try to pay attention to your fullness level and stop when you are full. The best thing is to get a box right when they bring the food and put half away.   If I decide to splurge and get the pizza I'm only allowed to eat half.  The last time hubby and I went out I went for the Mac & Cheese with Chix.  Totally fattening and I ate the whole thing.  I felt okay though because I really paid attention to how full I was.  I really wasn't full so I let myself eat it .  We went to breakfast and I got tired of ordering the usual egg white omelet so I got the French Toast.  So bad-but I went for it.  Again, watching my fullness level.  I felt okay so I ate it all.  The rest of the day I had to be good and it wasn't so hard because my tummy was satisfied.  If there is a bread basket I'm typically going to be in trouble so in that case I'm not allowed to go for the fattening choice.  I have to get the Cobb Salad or the Chicken breast with veggies.  If it comes with mashed potatoes or rice I need to take that home especially if  indulged on the bread.  If I'm ordering a Cobb Salad or a healthy entree I don't worry about it and I will just eat the whole thing.  It's almost better to just order the healthy thing because then I know I can eat the whole thing and don't have to worry about stopping myself.  I try to stick with wine only on drinks.  I also plan ahead by not taking in much sodium and watching what I eat that day if I know I'm going out for dinner.  I've gotten so much better but each dining out trip still feels like a challenge.