Metabolic Damage

I resisted it for as long as possible but I finally had to do something different.  For the last 6 weeks (since July 29th) I've made a real effort to inch myself closer and closer to the 1,300 calorie mark without totally freaking out and to keep on doing it even though the number was going up.  Normally, when the number starts to go up, I panic and restrict but lately it's only made things worse.  I stayed with the higher calories and I was rewarded for a loss over the weekend for the first time in a really long time.  I've been eating a minimum of 1,200 and exercising but totally skipping out on those 600 calorie cardio sessions that I kept hoping would "save me."  I don't think my weight has been the exact same for that many days in a row ever.  Maintenance is a gift only because it's better then a gain AND at least that means my body is allowing me to eat consistently without gaining.  That's a good step. 

I've been on some sort of a restrictive diet since 1997 and an extreme dieter since 2003.  That's a lot of dieting.  It's possible that my metabolism was damaged in  2006.  I ate only salad  and chicken breasts for an entire month and my weight wouldn't budge.  I had to back off but things didn't get nearly as bad as they are now.  In 2011 I was having such a hard time losing that I thought it was my metabolism but apparently it wasn't.  I ended up losing the weight I wanted by the end of that year.  10 years after I started this roller coaster ride of restriction and dieting I think I really screwed it up worse then ever.  It's been a good year that I've been fighting this and getting nowhere.  I kept telling myself I just wasn't doing enough to lose the weight.  I blamed the dinners out, parties and vacation days that I overdid it. It didn't make sense to me that I could damage my metabolism when I kept slipping up. I have always minimized my behavior.  I've never felt that I was thin enough or eating little enough to cause any real damage.  800-900 calories max became the reasonable norm for and anything above that was considered pigging out.  Then I started cutting carbs more and throwing in juice fasts to fight the losing battle which probably didn't help.  It's taken me a solid year of failure to finally start to believe the unthinkable.  That I have severe metabolic damage.  I haven't had a thyroid test or anything but aside from that I can find no other reason for weight gain and failure to lose even when I severely limit my calories.

It's really embarrassing. My husband doesn't know that I've gained this much weight.  I think he still thinks I'm around 118.  I am constantly wondering if people notice. I don't want to tell my mom that the reason I've decided to eat better now is because I can no longer control my weight with dieting like normal people are supposed to be able to.   I have to pretend that any weight gain is because I choose.  It's to embarrassing to admit that I am no longer physically able to lose weight like the skinnie minnie I was once.  Not being able to lose weight makes me feel like a failure and totally out of control of my own body.  It's really embarrassing for someone who is perceived to have such willpower and control over weight.  

I did all kinds of research.  Most websites I found said it can be fixed but that you have to eat more and I didn't want to listen.  I kept trying to starve away my problem.  I knew it wasn't working but I was too terrified to try anything else.  I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the goal of eating as opposed to not eating. I'm scared of how big I might end up before I'm able to lose again but I know I have to keep going.  From what I read even one day of 800 calories could send my body back into starvation mode and undo any progress I've made.  I've actually been going  to bed at night worrying if I've eaten enough rather then if I've eaten too much.  Instead of making it my goal to shave of snacks here and there to reduce my calorie count I'm making sure I get them in.  Sometimes I don't even feel hungry enough to be eating again but skipping dinner or just eating a piece of string cheese and an apple is no longer an option.  I've been eating close to 200 carbs every day whereas before my goal was to stay as close to 100-150 max as possible.   It's up and down. It's been nice not to feel like a failure for going over 1,000 calories but then I look in the mirror and hate myself because I can't believe how fat my thighs look.  I look at these numbers and I can't believe that I'm eating this much every day on purpose.  This time last year when my hubby went out of town I was thrilled to be able to restrict to my hearts content but this year is different.  I have to get my body to trust that I will keep feeding it so it will stop holding onto everything.

Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Aug 26th

Daily Summary
	Budget	Food	Exercise	Net	+/-	Weight (lbs)
8/26/13	1,314	1,321	0	1,321	7	123.6
8/27/13	1,317	1,111	180	931	-386	124
8/28/13	1,315	1,141	0	1,141	-175	123.8
8/29/13	1,318	1,377	0	1,377	59	124.2
8/30/13	1,313	1,439	0	1,439	126	123.4
8/31/13	1,311	1,368	200	1,168	-143	123.2
9/1/13	1,309	1,458	270	1,188	-121	122.8
633 calories under budget for the week
Lost 1 pound this week as measured from a starting weight of 123.8 on August 25th.

Weekly Summary for Week of Mon, Sept 2nd

Daily Summary
	Budget	Food	Exercise	Net	+/-	Weight (lbs)
9/2/13	1,309	1,236	180	1,056	-253	122.8
9/3/13	1,314	1,138	360	778	-536	123.6
9/4/13	1,305	1,273	0	1,273	-32	122.2
9/5/13	1,305	1,235	0	1,235	-70	122.2
9/6/13	1,305	1,389	0	1,389	84	122.2
9/7/13	1,305	1,419	200	1,219	-86	122.2
9/8/13	1,305	1,281	150	1,131	-174	122.2
1,067 calories under budget for the week
Lost 0.6 pounds this week as measured from a starting weight of 122.8 on September 1st.