I feel so fat and disgusting. What else is new. Yesterday I wanted to jump out of my skin after my work out. I looked in the mirror and saw all the parts I really hate. I have a muffin top, saddlebags and too much fat around my butt/hip area. My thighs seem to be getting bigger. I'm heavier then ever. It's all just bad news for me right now in the weight and body image department. I alternate between being calm about it and totally freaking out.
My husband has been gone for 5 1/2 weeks (and about 7 1/2 weeks since I started eating more regularly) and as of today I've gained about 2 lbs more in the last 2 weeks. It's pretty awful. Fall is coming and soon I'll be squeezing myself back into my skinny jeans again. I'm scared they won't even fit. It's such a terrible place to be. I'm gaining and yet cutting calories won't stop it. There is literally nothing I can do. It's awful. Over the last few weeks when I've gone out to eat I haven't exploded with a gain the way I used to. It seems that before anytime I ate just a little bit more then usual my body would hold onto it. Eating out was generally going to be a gain but the last few times it wasn't. That's a good sign that my metabolism is improving but I'm still gaining, and I still feel fat and I still don't know if I'm doing this right. I weigh and count everything. I've been averaging around 1,200-1,300 calories. Some websites say that's still too little to fix metabolism but I can't see going much higher on a regular basis. I've read that it's supposed to take anywhere between 8-12 weeks. I'd love to get a thyroid test just to rule it out but I don't even know how to go about it. I should have a doctor's appointment coming up over the next few months. Maybe I'll ask about it then.
I'm not worried about hubby coming back food wise. I haven't restricted while he's been gone and I won't be trying to do it when he gets back. He's going on a health kick with diet and exercise so anything we eat will be healthy. I don't worry about going out to eat like I used to because I know I have to eat.
How fat can I get? I feel so out of control and it's really scary.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time finding that balance. It's scary when we keep gaining on intakes that we shouldn't gain on. I think consistency is really important, but it sounds like your intake's pretty consistent as it is. Have you thought about seeing a dietician? Mine has been fabulous with helping me raise my calories and trying to maintain, without unwanted gains. I think it'd definitely be worth asking your doctor about either/both a thyroid test or dietician.
ReplyDeleteTake care xx
Hang in there hun.
ReplyDeleteWe are not as fat as we think. I promise.
Thoughts will drive ya crazy. Try to be kind to yourself.
Sending you <3
xo
S.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling all out of control, and scared. I hope things even out soon and you get to a place where you are comfy both with your body and food.
ReplyDeleteHope hubby getting back helps making the whole process easier. And I agree with Bella, maybe you should talk to someone and get their opinion on how to get on with the whole thing. I mean worst thing that can come from the talk, is that you have wasted an hour..
I know it doesn't mean much, but I would kill to be your size! You're my aspiration :)
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