It Really Sucks but there is an Upside

Oh my gosh.  So.  Tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I hate days like this.  Where every minute feels like an hour.  I'm barely to my lunch break.

I'm hanging in there with operation fix my metabolism.  I lost one of the two pounds I gained over the last two weeks prior.  Not trying of course because I'm not allowed to do that.  I've been weighing and measuring my foods at home more then I used to.  I told my husband, just so you know I weigh and measure most of my foods now.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.  I have so little control over my weight and calorie budget right now.  It's comforting to know exactly how many ounces that chicken breast is.  I need to know exactly how many calories I'm eating as much as I can.  Also, I'm finding that it helps with my food addict tendencies.  If I didn't know how much rice I was eating to begin with I'm more likely to go back for seconds and guesstimate.  In my mind if I know that it was exactly 1 cup of rice then that means I'm done.  I feel more satisfied with what I got instead of thinking about getting more.  I still weigh in every day.  I've been eating toast with peanut  butter on it after dinner which I'm sure my husband finds very odd because while I may have eaten string cheese or Light Ice Cream or even some crackers with Peanut Butter before I never would have had a piece of bread.  I'm really trying to beef up the nutritional value of what I'm eating so that I get at least 1,000 of "real" food and then if I want to have 300 of sweets that's fine.  You can eat tons of calories of chocolate all day and still be starving because there is no nutritional value.  I used to justify snacking in my mind a lot more before because it wasn't "real" food.  Eating "real" food felt like giving in but eating things like pretzels didn't.

Some days are better then others.  I'm still scared of my reflection in the mirror and while potential out of control weight gain and busting out of my clothes is pretty awful there are some upsides to this whole thing.

#1 I'm not as obsessed with food anymore.  I'm eating, I know I'm going to keep eating and I'm not depriving myself constantly so I find that I'm thinking about food less then I used to which is definitely a good thing. 

#2 I'm not in a constant state of unrelenting hunger.  I'm not waiting until I'm starving to eat anymore and I'm giving my body enough food.  When I have plans for dinner I'm not trying to starve myself the whole day to "save" calories.  Having a higher calorie budget then 800 means I can presumable eat before dinner AND at dinner.  What a concept.

#3 Less snack attacks.  When I was constantly hungry and obsessed with food I was constantly snacking to try to curb the hunger.  Fighting the snacking urge was hard.  I was just so hungry all the time that I was always thinking about little bits I could put into my mouth here and there.  Now that I'm giving my body more food the snacks are healthier and there is room in my budget for them.  On 1,000 calorie diet you eat 2 cookies and not only is your calorie budget shot but you are still starving because you've blown a chunk of your budget on something with no nutritional value.

#4 I don't beat myself up about eating as much.  I know I have to do it whereas before eating felt like a "choice" and I was failing if I did it too much.  

#5 I'm less freaked out about going out to eat or social gatherings that involve food.  Before I used to dread them.  I'd starve the day away to save up calories, feel anxious because I figured 9/10 I'd screw up then be so angry at myself for overdoing it.  Now when I go out to eat or a party it's not about how little I can eat.  I know I have to eat.  No, I don't want to overdo it but since giving myself permission to eat and upping the calorie budget it's a lot less stressful.  I'm also finding that it's not an automatic gain.  I can eat out and still weigh the same thing the next day which was a miracle before.  I'm hoping that means my metabolism is improving.

#6 Less obsessive about exercise.  When I was on a lower calorie budget I was definitely exercising only to burn calories and the more the better.  If I did go over that tiny calorie budget I was at least going to try to exercise part of it off.  Now that I am trying to fix my metabolism I know that I need to get a certain minimum amount of calories per day and I certainly don't want to stuff my face with food eating more to account for what I've burned off.  Burning 500 calories on the elliptical is not something I can do right now.  I've been sticking to my home videos that burn anywhere from 150-300 calories tops.  I don't feel the need to go hard core and burn the max amount of calories every time so I'm dreading exercise less.  I can do and enjoy a yoga video and be fine with the minimal calories burned.  Before I'd feel like it was a waste of a workout if I burned any less then 280.  I'm allowing myself to skip days here and there without it feeling like the end of the world.  I'm less focused on cardio and more focused on toning. I'm also not as worried about eating back those exercise calories.

#7 I'm feeling more regular.  This is kind of an iffy one because as far as water retention and constipation I feel like I am always on shaky ground.  It's up and down and a lot of times I can't even find a pattern.  I'm not going every day but closer to every other day then ever and I've not had that feeling of being stuffed with poo that I used to get a lot.  I'm also less often feeling bloated.  I drink water and most of it seems to come out whereas before my body felt like a sponge the majority of the time.

I so would not be doing this if I felt I had a choice in the matter.  Every part of my being wants to go into my normal panic mode/restriction phase but I've pushed my body to the point where it's not an option.  My body is shutting it down.  I know that ultimately it's better for my body so I'm just trying to deal with it as best I can.