This is going to sound really bad but I'm thinking of going to marriage counseling by myself to get over my irrational hatred and distaste for my husband's clutter. I know. Ridiculous. He's been home for two weeks and I'm just now barely able to accept him back into the fold and move past it. As ridiculous as it sounds it was affecting my ability to enjoy my relationship. I need to figure out a way to overcome these feelings. The reason I'm planning on going alone is because I truly believe that he is not the problem. I am the problem. It's normal for people to be messy. I just don't happen to be one of those people. I also happen to be one of those people who is borderline obsessive about it and it's driving me crazy. It makes me feel constantly annoyed with my husband and I'm perfectly aware that he really doesn't deserve it. Since he's been back I've been 100% in control of my ability to keep this from him. I haven't nagged nor have I let on that I was annoyed by anything he's done so far. Literally, within the first week of being back almost everything that annoys the hell out of me happened. Normally I do laundry but he came home with a ton of laundry plus I'm having difficulty adjusting so he just jumped on it over the weekend. He would have left the laundry wet overnight in the washer except I reminded him to put it in the dryer. He also immediately dirtied up the kitchen then ran the dishwasher but didn't put all the dirty dishes in there. I'm not exactly sure why. We don't wear shoes in the house. The set up is awkward so you walk into the kitchen from the garage. I take my shoes off at the mat immediately but somehow he's decided that it's okay to keep the shoes on in the kitchen and walk into the house with them and take them off then.
Toilet paper roll left empty
Trash bag not replaced in trash bag after emptying
Grass in the kitchen and bathroom floor upstairs tracked in after football. I think it falls off his socks.
The downstairs floor looks and feels dusty under my bare feet (because he won't take his shoes off right away)
Dishes left in the sink
Nothing put away
Stuff all over kitchen counters and table tops randomly.
Shoes every which way
Clothes on the floor
After living in a pristine environment for 6 weeks my senses have been under attack. My overall mood was bitchy and annoyed. I was feeling agitated and anxious just being in my own home and then I start hating myself so much for feeling this way. I just feel overall icky for feeling so OCD and annoyed when my husband is clearly a wonderful man. I already know he's not changing. When we lived in the studio he said he was messy because he didn't have space. When we moved into the house he said he was messy because he didn't have time what with weekend drills and school. He's not in school anymore, he gets off really early now and has every other Friday off. He has plenty of time to be playing video games but never time to just put his stuff away. Nothing has changed and it's clear to me it's not going to. I'm tired of nagging and feeling like an evil bitch for it or just not saying anything and seething inside. I know that I've been having a really hard time dealing with it because he just got back and I'm transitioning from ME and my neat house to WE and his clutter. When you are alone your time is 100% your own. I'd come home watch whatever shows I wanted, eat whatever I wanted without worry of being questioned or consulting with anyone else. I can eat my dinner then eat my Peanut Butter toast without feeling like he's going to think anything is weird. I can weigh my foods without feeling like he's watching. I can sit on my booty and say nothing to no one. In a couple it's like, oh what are WE doing this weekend? He wants to watch a movie so WE watch a movie. Then we are hanging out and I'm not able to just BE the way you can be when you are alone. And that's fine. I love the WE. I've been feeling disconnected as I transition from doing my own thing 100% of the time but I'll get back to being in sync with him and considering his time as well as my own. Having an adjustment period from I to WE instead of just I is fine and it feels normal. I understand that it just takes a bit of getting used to since he's been gone and it'll be fine once we get back into our groove. It's just the combo of that plus the clutter that's really been hard for me. The clutter issue however is something that crops up over and over repeatedly so I need to learn how to cope with it. My husband is perfect otherwise. Well, not perfect as no one is perfect but there is nothing else about him that irks me to the point that this does.
What makes it really hard for me too is that I'm in charge of cleaning house. It makes more sense for me to do it because I'm able to keep our house clean on a regular basis while he'd let stuff slide and then I'd have to bug him about it. Plus, I'm not a fan of cooking and he is. I clean and do laundry and he cooks and does trash. It's just very difficult for me to set about cleaning house when in order to do so I have to put all of his crap away. I have to pick up after him which basically makes me feel like the maid and I have a lot of deep seeded anger issues surrounding that. I grew up with a mom who was a maid to my extremely messy and lazy dad. I hated how lazy and irresponsible he was and how my mom let him get away with it. My parents have been married for 40 years and my dad has never had any chores or any real responsibility in the household. He retired this year and my mom still works full time so my mom is actually getting ready to ask him to take on some chores. In my first marriage my husband was a major slob and did a lot of things that reminded me of my dad. Not good. There were a ton of other issues in that marriage as well; but I have a history of this being an issue in childhood and adulthood. If he were in charge of cleaning I may be able to just say to hell with it. I don't care. I live in a mess. In time he will clean it up. Except that I'm the one in charge of cleaning so even if I just let it all go for weeks without saying a word then when it's time for me to clean house I have face it. When I try to accept it by not saying a word and picking up after him eventually it wears on me so much that I snap and start nagging or just become really annoyed. At some point it becomes really hard to hide. The best I've been able to do is just kind of be okay with the kitchen being a total mess since he cooks most of the time. The only problem is I do cook sometimes. I don't even want to plan a meal because I don't want to have to deal with the kitchen if it's a disaster and it's my night to make dinner. I come home from work at 5:30 pm. I'm gonna be pissed if the kitchen's a mess and now I have to cook.
I'm not asking him to vacuum, mop or clean toilets. I take care of the laundry. All I want is for him to take his shoes off when he comes in the house, pick up after himself and put his crap away. He's not going to do that and I love him anyways but I need to figure out a way to deal with it.
Wow! First, I didn't know you were previously married. I want to hear about that. Second, I think you're handling this very maturely. I would feel the exact same way. My shoes are lined up in rows and I don't want it any other way. Could you consider buying bins where you put his stuff? That way if it's left on the floor, you're not putting it away, you're just moving it to a more convenient location for yourself. You could do this in each room, and if he want something, then he can go get it and maybe be a little surprised it's not folded neatly for him like usual. Just a thought, but I'm not sure if it would work
ReplyDeleteI was totally going to suggest the bin idea too. My mom used to do that with me (definitely the messy one in my relationship). Just get one big bin put all his stuff that isn't put away in it, and put it somewhere for him. If it's communal stuff don't nag, just say nicely once - "Hon, I have to clean (later, tomorrow, now etc) and I'd love it if you would put X away since you used it last. Thanks" My boyfriend does that to me, but it's his apartment. He still reminds me occasionally, and I have been miffed about it in the past, but, at the end of the day, he's right and I've learned to be respectful of his place and stuff. Your home is yours as much as your husband's.
ReplyDeleteAlso, counseling is a great idea, alone or together. Yes, you might be a little OCD, but it's not to much to ask him to have some courtesy for you living there. And counseling might help you with how to meet in the middle (asking for what you really need, and meeting him in the middle on others).
Everything on the list that bugs you drives me mad with my husband..
ReplyDeleteI am far from a neat person, but I'm not really messy either - but I mean, is it too much to ask for when you ask your husband to not put everything he owns including dirty work cloths around the dining room table?? *sigh*
You know, I agree that we have to compromise and that boys will be boys, and that they wont change everything, but I really don't think that you are the sole problem here.. I think should have a chat with your hubby and talk to him about all these things, and mention the things you wrote in this post, and see if he is willing to try to make some changes.
Dragging dirt all over the kitchen is not OK - that he can work on, while maybe you can just let him do his own laundry without getting annoyed with how he does it (trust me, I know it's hard, my hubby would leave wet cloths in the washer too if I wouldn't remind him of it OFTEN)..
talk to him.. maybe this time around he will listen and try his best to make some adjustments.