Trying Way Too Hard

Two Friday's ago I had another meltdown in the morning.  The scale went up to a new high of 139 and my self esteem and mood went down the toilet even more then it already had.  Hubby was there because he was doing an online course at home.  I sat in his lap and put my face in his neck.  Just miserable.  That day he sent flowers to my job.  He is the best.  I think I must be having fears of losing him or something because a few weeks ago I dreamed that we were dating, I chose some other guy and then I was miserable and last night I dreamed he left me for his ex.  Both times I woke up terrified for a second.

Last week I did something different.  I quit working out.  When I decided that I was going to eat more and lift weights to build my metabolism I went hard.  I quit cardio for 4 weeks but I was lifting almost every day.  I am notorious for trying too damn hard when it comes to diet and exercise so I decided to just chill out and take a break.  The first thing I noticed was this major whoosh effect.  I peed constantly for about 3 days.  I think all the water I'd been retaining in my muscles finally got released.  Then I noticed that I didn't feel quite so puffy.  I'm still chugging at least 48 oz of water a day; sometimes more.

I also decided to be a little less strict with my meal plan.  I still wanted to hit my calories but just allow more flexibility with the macros if need be without freaking out.  My meal plan has not changed much.  I decided to lower my fat, raise my carbs and keep my protein about the same.  I've added skim milk which is awesome for not increasing fat and giving me more protein.  I'm still finding it tough to plan out 1,900 calories that hits my macros so I still haven't hit that mark.  I have stuck with the plan but decided that I wasn't going to stress if I didn't because what good has all this stress, worry and trying way too hard gotten me so far?   I'm where I'm at now because I tried too hard and stressing changes nothing so instead I just let it go.   Last Sunday we went to breakfast.  I ordered french toast.  I wasn't that hungry later on so I ate 4 oz of chicken breast to get some protein and a slice of ding dong cake hubby baked.  I was only at 1,200 something calories for the day so I was kind of worried that I'd gain the next day but also hoping that enough time has passed that my body wouldn't freak out.  I went down a pound.  This is HUGE.  That would have never happened before.  It has since gone back up but that is a good sign that my body isn't holding onto everything and that maybe my metabolism is finally starting to respond.  I've also had some pretty hungry moments over the last week.  I'd hit my macros but I'd still be hungry so I'd eat an apple or a pecan twirl even though it would put me over my carb limit.  Sunday night was the worst.  We'd gone bike riding all day.  I ate breakfast and then had burger and fries for lunch while we were out.  I also had a scoop of ice cream and a beer.  I burned at least 400 calories throughout the day.   I was STARVING that night but I was already at 1,900 calories for the day.  I think I was so hungry because I had a healthy breakfast, a filling (if not healthy lunch) and the rest of the calories had no nutritional value so my calories were up but my body didn't get what it really needed.  I ate grapes.  Still hungry.  I woke up in the middle of the night still hungry so I had a few ounces of chicken and I felt better.  It's the running joke now between hubby and I that I'm always eating and I'm always hungry!  In that case I had eaten so many calories I just didn't want to eat more but in the end I had to listen to my body.  My weight did go up just a little less then a pound but when my metabolism was at it's worst that would have been 2 lbs easy after a 2k calorie day.  It has also since gone back down that pound after a day of eating on plan.   

Since not working out and sticking mostly with my meal plan there have been two days where I was under 1,500 because I simply wasn't hungry but most of the days have been between 1600-1800 calories.  My weight has gone down just a bit and remained stable at around 136.  I am notorious for trying too hard.  It served me well with weight loss until I screwed up my metabolism but once that damage is done trying too hard doesn't necessarily work.  The harder you try in the way that you have grown accustomed to trying the worse it gets.  I've had to do the opposite of everything I've ever thought I should.  Eat more.  Eat when I'm not hungry.  I've eaten the calories.  I've gained the weight and after 3 months I'm finally seeing some signs that my body is healing.  I'm in a weird place right now.  I can't go off the rails with eating too much and definitely not too little.  I can't exercise too much but I don't want to do too little.  Exercise can cause hormonal stress on a fragile metabolism so I guess I need to see what happens when I add exercise back in.  Maybe I should even consider taking another week off or maybe I should just take it easy with Yoga.  I think my body probably needed that time off from the gym but I don't want to go too long without doing anything.  It's a really tricky place to be.  I know that every thing I do right now is really critical to seeing that my metabolism fully heals and as I'm still on my own it's been tough to decide exactly what direction to go.

At my doctor's appointment last week I had some of the testing done that I needed.  I made up and extra symptom or two to try to get more testing.  I need more thyroid, all sex hormones, and salivary cortisol testing.  I scoured the internet and found everything I needed and it would cost me about $400 dollars total to get the rest.  There is a base set I can do for $259 that includes the cortisol though; and maybe the rest of the testing won't even be necessary.  I'm still on the fence about whether or not I need to do it.  So far everything has come back normal from my doctor and my body seems to be responding a bit better right now.  I also still haven't decided if I will pay the $400 for the nutritional counseling.  I'm just playing it by ear right now and I want to see how my body responds when I start exercising again and where I'm at after vacation.

I knew it would happen and that it was just a matter of time.  I didn't want to wear work out shorts and I couldn't get away with a skirt.  I needed a pair of shorts for bike riding so I tried on every single pair of my shorts and none fit.  We had to stop at the store so I could buy some shorts that fit.  It feels awful to literally have to go shopping because my clothes don't fit and I don't have anything I can wear.  It's back to school time but I was lucky to find one pair of white shorts in my size at Kohl's.  They didn't have a lot to choose from so I was even grabbing 8's and 10's.  In my mind I figured that I've gained so much weight that I probably was a 10 now even though MJ took one look at them and said they were too big.  That's just how distorted my view of my body is.  I ended up with size 2 J Lo brand shorts.  We have a trip coming up so I sucked it up and went to Old Navy since they were having a sale to find a few more pairs of shorts and jeans.  Trying on jeans is brutal.  I feel huge and I was scared to see what size I'd have to get.  I love the stretch of their Rock Star skinnies but even the 6's that fit had major booty crack when sitting.  I didn't feel too bad about not fitting the 4's because I know how small and skin tight those run.  I actually have a pair of 4's at home that I can still get into-just barely.  I ended up with a pair of Sweetheart skinnies (the cut that allows for curves ie: a butt) size 4 and two pair of size 4 shorts.  I've actually started to miss wearing jeans after all this time so it will be nice to have a pair that fits again.  I haven't worn jeans all year!!  I used to live in jeans.  I was actually surprised that I fit into 4's.  I used to be an Old Navy 2 but when I step back and think about it being a size 4 is not the end of the world.  I know how ridiculous I am for thinking otherwise but letting go of my disordered thinking is going to be a long process.  These shorts will get me by until the weather cools down.  I may or may not have to buy one more pair of jeans but I'm hoping to be able to fit into at least some of my skinny jeans and shorts again next year.  I'm not going to rush it though.  I need to do this right.

Kitty-I'm okay.  Thanks for asking.  Anonymous-I don't know what Whole30 is and I don't think I can do Paleo.  My body is super finicky right now and things that are supposed to "work" may not.  I already know I can't give up grains.  I need a minimum amount of fiber or I won't have a BM.  I guess I'm just shooting for as much balance as I can for the time being.  Tempest-your comment stung but I can admit that it's something I need to be told.  The thing that stuck with me the most is this: "You are the only one who seems to think that nothing else about you matters if you are not ultrathin. You are worth more than that."  It's so true.  That's the epicenter of my distress over this entire situation and has spurred my disordered thinking and behavior over the last decade of my life.  I look around me and see people who look good whom I can objectively see that I am smaller than; however it's one thing to see that other people look good at a similar size and another thing for me to see it as acceptable for myself.  I liked being skinny.  I liked fitting into smaller sizes.  I liked knowing that I was one of the thinner ones in a room.  It seemed like the one thing that I could shine at.  I was still never skinny enough in my mind but it was enough to make me feel special in some way.  That being said, it's been really difficult for me to ever see myself as having an eating disorder because clinically I never quite fit the bill.  I've stayed relatively healthy and not been freakishly thin so I denied that it was an eating disorder and that allowed me to continue to justify my behavior.  I never thought anything like this would happen to me because I was never "disordered" enough.  I never ate that little or weighed that little to cause damage.  I kept pushing and pushing until my body literally wouldn't take it anymore.  I've obviously done damage to my body and I'm obviously still extremely preoccupied with food, size and weight so it's really hard to deny that I had and still have a problem.  I guess I just don't know where I fit but I guess it doesn't really matter.

I'm taking it day by day here.  I'm feeling good about my progress and where I'm at right now, today. We'll see what happens tomorrow.  I'm trying to accept my body and I'm trying to change my mindset but it's really hard.  I might be eating more but I know my mind still has a long way to go.

On that note, it's lunch.  Time to go eat chicken.