Happy Weight?

I didn't mean to go this long without writing.  Moonlight Mistress, you finally blogged again and I missed it and now your blog is deleted.  Let me know if you start a new one.
 
It's been a month since I got back from vacation.  The day after I got back I was up 1 lb and then 2 days later I was the same weight I was when we left.  I basically did not gain any weight on our 9 day eat lots of food in NYC with no exercise but lots of walking vacation which is basically a miracle.  I did 2 days of gym weights/HIIT cardio and dropped about two pounds which have come back but I think it means that my metabolism has finally rebounded.  Finally.  It took three months eating my minimum BMR of 1,500 with the last two months shooting for 1,600 plus.  This means the happy weight for my body is probably around 136 lbs.  In the four weeks since I've been back it has fluctuated up to 137 at the highest.  I've been a lot more lax with my diet.  I'm still logging everything but caring less about macros and more about just hitting my calorie mark.  I've eaten several donuts and I finally got sick of chicken last week.  I'm still eating store bought low sodium chicken breast pieces for lunch but I haven't cooked any for the last two weeks.  The last two nights for dinner I ate quesadilla with corn tortillas.  I do think that the more I exercise specifically when I lift I can literally see the bulk and I retain water in my muscles.  Part of it could still be my body's screwy hormonal response but I hear some of that is normal so I'm hoping that any wacky hormonal response to exercise I might still be having will continue to lessen.

I'm thrilled that I seem to finally be done with the crazy gaining and retention but I wish I was as happy about this weight as my body seems to be.  Some days I don't feel so bad and other days I feel huge.  I stare at my body in the mirror and use a hand mirror to see the back and more often than not I really don't like what I see.  My outer thigh area just below my hips poke out more then I'd like and even when I was at my thinnest it was always my most hated part.  The only way to get rid of that poke is probably liposuction.  I think it's just the way my body is built and I'm probably going to have to learn to accept that.  It's really hard.  I'm wearing a pair of my new fitted stretch jeans today and my thighs look like giant tree trunks.  I hate it that people have probably noticed.  If people at work haven't I'm pretty sure my friends will.  The last time I saw them was April.  I was sure to wear a skirt and I'm even bigger now.  If I wear jeans I don't see how they could not notice and I feel like it's going to be this pink elephant in the room.  They won't want to mention it and I sure don't.  My heart still sinks when I come across pictures from my "thin" days.

I've totally fallen off the exercise wagon.  I'm in a major slump.  I only do a burst of about 2-3 days of cardio every two weeks.  Last week I tried to continue exercising throughout the week and did Yoga that Saturday but I haven't done a thing since.  I could tell I was out of Yoga shape because it's my usual 60 minute video and it was tough.  First I just wasn't sure what direction I wanted to go work out wise and now it's just me being tired, lazy and unmotivated.  I want to focus mostly on Yoga and Pilates day to day so I searched for yoga/pilates exercise videos that were 30 minutes so I'd be more likely to do them during the week.  I found two videos that have two 30 minute workouts each so now I have four quick workouts I could do but I didn't do them.  I just can't find my motivation right now.  Hopefully, I'll get it back.

Between my stupid vagina, my skin being constantly broken out along my jawline since May and hating my body I'm just over it.  And my patience for my husband's clutter is wearing so thin.  He just doesn't like to take the time to put anything away.  It triggers my obsessive compulsive tendencies like crazy and makes me ragey.  This week has been exhausting.  Work is busy and it's been the week that never ends.  When I get home I dive into my pajamas.  I've been taking baths every night.  It started out to address yet another female issue I was having and now I think I like it.  I won't make it a nightly thing, but I might do it more often.  I backed into a pole yesterday and it scratched up the right rear part of my car near the bumper.  I'm such a crappy driver.  I didn't even mention it to hubby.  I probably won't spend the money to get it fixed and I just want to forget it happened.  My weekends lately seem to get sucked into a vacuum.  By the time it's over I feel like I didn't do anything and yet I still had time for nothing.  I don't even know how it happens.  I only worked on my novel for an hour over the weekend.  We didn't have any plans.  I didn't do much outside of errands and yet time has a way of disappearing so fast.  Next thing I know it's Sunday and time to start getting ready for bed.  There is no time for anything.   

Bleh.  At least it's Friday.