I'll Never Have the Body I Want

Last week at the gym I saw this girl with an amazing body.  She was obviously very fit.  Not skinny but fit, slender and strong.  There was bicep, quad and ab definition.  She was tight all over.  When you look at her from the back there were no bits that stuck out to the side.  She had narrow hips, a perfect butt and basically the body I wish I had.  Right then it struck me that I'm probably never going to have the body I want.  I had just gotten to the gym and was already totally unmotivated and then seeing her made me even more unmotivated to work out.  What's the point of all of this?  I know working out is for your heart too and not just for aesthetics but lets face it looks is a big part of why a lot of people do it including myself.  You go to the gym with hopes of improving your body.  It makes every work out that you didn't feel like doing and every sweaty mile worth it.  You may not look the way you wish you did now but you have hope so you keep on going back.

That day I realized that no matter what I do I will probably never have the body that will make me stop hating it.  I went for skinny, but no matter how skinny I've been the part of my body that I've always hated the most is my butt/side thigh/saddlebag area.  They are not classic saddlebags but in that general area there is a portion that pokes out more than I think it should.  Now that I'm trying to accept fit and trim I have a feeling that no matter how much weight I lose or how much weight I lift it's always going to be there because it's part of the way I'm built.  I'm the first person to cry fat but I know that my body is fairly fit.  I have muscle definition all over and I did manage to tone and lift my butt while I was lifting weights but it's always overshadowed by that one part of my body I detest that will likely never go away.  I see that one part and then all I see is fat.  Being thin was something that made me feel better about that part and gave me some sense of self validation that I can't seem to find in other ways.  The thigh gap on the inside helped to compensate for the bulge on the outside but even then I wasn't happy-because of that part.  Now that I'm no longer that thin I focus on that one part even more and feel fat all over.

It's hard to be motivated to exercise when you come home from a long day of work tired and have little hope of ever loving your body anyway.  I don't know when I'll be able to lose some weight or if I even should.  Now I know that being skinny won't make that problem area disappear.  I know I need to work out just to be healthy but I'm in a major slump right now and I don't know when I'm coming out.  When I do, I'm going to focus on yoga/pilates and toning exercises to target my problem area.  Mostly low impact.  I see no point in pushing myself and torturing myself doing things I don't really like especially if it's not going to get me results.  I'll also throw in HIIT cardio periodically because it's a good fat burner and we all need some cardio in our life.

For the time being I'm not gonna sweat it.  I'm still not working out as much I think I should.  I've been lazy but I'm not forcing it right now.  I'm just not.  When I'm ready to start doing more I will.  I also need to learn to love the body I do have but I don't know when that will happen either.