Eating What I Want and Destiny

I basically eat what I want now.  For six straight days (four of which I was off for a long weekend) I ate out for one meal every single day.  I had pizza, carne asada tacos, sliders with fries, Italian sub, Pad Thai and Pancakes out.  I also drank wine on at least half of those days and didn't restrict any meals to compensate.  The only exception was if I just wasn't that hungry because of a big meal.  During that time my weight went down from 137 to 135.  I went back to my normal day eating when I went back to work on Wednesday.  I went to bed hungry because I can't seem to get enough food when I don't eat out and I gained a pound overnight.  So the next night I piled my plate with a good serving of chicken, vegetables and rice.  I was still hungry so I ate an apple and 1 oz of almonds.  I was still hungry so I had a slice of Ezekial toast with peanut butter on it.  I woke up a pound lighter the next day.

My body wants food, needs food and I'm giving it food because I don't want to gain anymore weight.  I used to eat less to lose weight, now I'm eating more to maintain and not gain.  It's really weird to be "normal" when I've been disordered for so long.  When I get hungry I eat like a normal person.  I eat more than my husband and I am slowly getting used to this bigger body.  I have a butt now, and it was really embarrassing at first but as time passes I'm feeling less self conscious.  I've gone out with friends twice and I don't think anyone noticed.  I do realize that I should never have felt so upset to begin with, but it was extremely traumatic to lose control over my weight when I've spent the last decade learning how to manipulate it lower and lower.  I hate to say it but I just want my thigh gap back.  I still have a knee to lower part of thigh gap but I think if I were closer to 125 lbs I'd probably get the full one back.  It's totally shallow and totally ridiculous, especially after everything I've been through that it still matters to me but there it is.  It would also give me a chance of fitting back into some of my jeans.  I'm not pushing it because I think I'm in some kind of re-feeding phase right now.  My body just wants any kind of food I'll put into it right now and I will continue to comply.  Whatever keeps my weight stable at this point.  I'm not thrilled at this weight, but it's far worse to see the scale going up and up without knowing when or if it will ever stop.

I'm still off the exercise wagon.  I just can't get motivated.  I will make myself do yoga at least once a week though.  I finally got my Yoga strength back and I want to at least hold onto that.

I have finally met the biggest challenge to my marriage thus far and can you believe that it's a stupid video game?  My husband is totally addicted to Destiny and it's been really upsetting.  When he's playing it I might as well not exist.  He's got his earpiece in and there are missions that take all of his concentration and the whole group has to make it or else they all die.  He plays with some of the same guys and I'm like-do these people have lives?  Are they just hanging out with their Xbox all the time waiting to play?  Between that and his inability to put anything away or clean up after himself I was done.  It got to the point where I was no longer my usual talkative self and he noticed.  I'd decided to just keep to myself.  I had a giant lump in my throat for almost two weeks because I felt so ignored and so distant from him.  He finally asked me what was going on.  I told him it felt like he had completely checked out of our relationship.  He was either playing Destiny or waiting to play Destiny so it felt like he was punching a time clock when we were together.  He wasn't interacting or even engaging with me much.  We would be playing when I got home from work, come down an hour or two later, eat dinner, watch a movie or TV show and then he'd rush upstairs to play his video game again until he went to bed.  Even though he claims he was present he wasn't.  I can tell when he's mentally checked out.

I also had to bring up the clutter thing.  He had totally stopped trying.  I don't ask for much when it comes to household chores.  He does trash (and he's supposed to cook) and I do everything else.  I've even stepped up and have been cooking when that's supposed to be his thing.  All I ask is that he pick up after himself, clean something if he makes it dirty and replace the toilet paper roll.  I don't even mind if it takes him a few days, but when things start to pile up and every flat surface of our house is covered with his junk and it's a week later I'm going to get annoyed.  Especially when he's spending hours playing Destiny.  He's not in school.  We don't have kids.  He usually gets off work at 3pm and has every other Friday off.  He has plenty of time, but he's just being lazy.  I feel totally unappreciated when every time I turn around he's dirtied up something that I spent time and energy on cleaning and straightening up.  I work really hard to keep our house clean and then he works just as hard on messing it up.  I don't want to be a nag, but I can only take so much of him being so careless about it.  He's an adult and we both have to share the space.  It's not to much to expect that he pick up after himself and I don't want to do it for him because then I'll really have a nightmare on my hands.  I'd rather train him to be respectful of our home and me.

It's funny because when he had our chat I asked him if there was anything he wanted to address.  His answer was no and it can't be because I'm perfect.  I'm far from it.  I think he's just so easy going, which makes me feel like even more of a bitch.

Things felt a little bit better after that.  I can tell he's trying to be more aware and trying to cut down on playing time but it's clear that I'm going to need to accept Destiny because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.  He got it in mid September just before our NY trip and I don't think there has been a day that has gone by outside of our trip that he hasn't played it.  Two nights ago he was supposed to make dinner but got home late, went straight to Destiny and never did.  Last night he was cooking dinner when I got home, then watched football then played Destiny from 8:30pm until who knows when.  I went to bed and didn't fall asleep until 10:45ish.  I'm not that clingy type of person that has to have all of her husband's time.  I like to do my own thing too.  He should have his things that he likes to do and I'm okay with that but there has to be some kind of balance.  He's always played Play Station and Xbox, but I've never seen him like this with any other game before.

I hate Destiny.  But I love my husband.  I have my little complaints here and there but he is an awesome husband so I'm going to do my best to work through my feelings and hopefully some kind of balance will emerge between Destiny time and us time.