Life Update

Weight
I'm holding steady at between 134-137.  I only see 136-137 if I haven't been eating enough and 134 was a new recent low.  My weight still shoots higher the less I eat.  I'm trying to maintain a healthy intake but it's hard because I just can't seem to get enough food unless I eat out.  I know that my lunch is pathetic as it's the same one I've had even since my disordered days but I'm just too lazy and/or cheap to figure out anything else.  By the time dinner rolls around 4 oz of chicken breast, rice and veggies is a drop in the bucket and I end up eating toast or whatever else healthy I can get my hands on to get rid of the hunger.  If I can get rid of the hunger then I know that my body has gotten enough food and my weight won't rise.  It's so bizarre.  I seriously need to see if I can pull off two weeks straight of solid eating and see what happens.  The most I seem to be able to do is about five days in a row eating out.  Eating out is expensive and loaded with sodium even if it is healthy so that's not a long term solution.  I need to figure out how to replicate that 'eating out' fullness at home and what it comes down to is that I just need more food and it's going to be really expensive to feed me what I actually need.  I REALLY hope my metabolism settles down at some point so I don't feel like I have to stuff my face to maintain.  Once I hit that point I could potentially, lose but until then the best I can hope for is to maintain.

Food
Aside from generally not getting enough of it I feel as though I'm in a good place regarding my relationship with food. I have to eat it so I do.  If I want a treat I have one.  I don't deny myself anything nor do I obsess over eating anything.  I have an overall healthy take on eating.  When we get take out and eat at home I gravitate towards the healthier options although we will get pizza occasionally.  That's just what I want to eat more of on a daily basis.  When we dine out I'm more likely to splurge and get the burger and fries or Pizza although, I'm also good with a giant salad or a steak.  I don't feel like a food addict anymore.  Food is fuel and it's enjoyable and it's just something that I don't agonize over anymore beyond whether or not I'm getting enough.  I am still sticking with 1,500 at the minimum ideally much more or else my body (and the scale) is quick to tell me it's not enough.  I still track everything, weigh foods when I'm at home and weigh every single day.  The latest thing since last week is that I'm constantly starving.  All. The. Time.  Unless I eat a really large meal.  I wake up ravenous, eat breakfast and before too long I'm hungry again.  After I eat dinner I am usually hungry.  I go for the healthy options to try to kill the hunger.  I'm assuming if I'm this hungry my body needs it and that ignoring it will further piss off my metabolism. 

Body Image
Ugh.  It's up and down.  Some days I look like the biggest whale and others I think I'm not doing so bad.  It's cold and I have some new jeans but I can't fit into my work pants and I'm not ready to buy any yet so I've been shopping for long tunic tops that I can wear with leggings.  I used to be skinny enough to get away with shirts that just barely covered the booty but not so much anymore now that I have a little junk in the trunk.  I need true tunics that don't shrink down too much after washing.  I'll still be wearing dresses and maxi's that transition okay to colder weather but I needed pants options too.  I've ordered things online but I barely have room to stuff them in my closet.  Closet cleansing is definitely on my agenda for Christmas Break.  I'm a hoarder but I'm tired of my bulging closet and ready to get rid of tops I don't wear.  I'm pretty sure I will be hanging onto pants and jeans that don't fit as I'm not ready to give up on them yet.  

Marriage
My husband is still hopelessly addicted to Destiny and I'm still hopelessly obsessed with him.  When I last wrote I was feeling extremely flat and mostly annoyed with him because of his gaming and being such a slob.  Since then I'm all goo goo ga ga over him again.  He is trying to cut down on playing time, but he still plays every single day.  I don't think he's missed a day since I last wrote and often it's for hours and hours on end.  Every time I come home from work that's what he's doing.  He claims he is going to start working out this week and I honestly don't know how he'll fit it in considering Destiny is practically like a part time job.  Maybe even full time.  He plays a lot.  Some nights he'll even say he's going to be done for the night but then still have to go back and play because he didn't earn enough money or some crap.  I went to his work lunch the other day and when I saw the guy that got him hooked on Destiny I wanted to slap him.  Our life was just fine before that damn game.  I'm doing my best to cope and not be a total bitch about it but sometimes I'm just so pissed that he ever started playing it.  He's even asked for his own room.  He claims it's because he would like to have one place that can be totally messy without me fussing at him but I wonder if it is really about Destiny.

Skin
Disaster.  I have this weird thing where every few years or so I get terrible cystic acne and I can't do anything about it.  I just have to let it run it's course.  The first time it happened was 2004-2005, then it happened again in 2008-2009 and this time around it's been going on since around July/August.  I usually have perfect skin so it's pretty distressing and embarrassing.  I don't hide it under make up because I'm not a fan of wearing make up very much and putting it on top of acne feels awful.  I wasn't fighting it at all at first (because in the past nothing ever worked) but it got really, really bad.  I think this is the worst bout, so my mom bought me a acne cleansing scrub, I got some expensive salicylic acne pads and I've had two facials.  Every tine it started to seem to better it would just get bad again but it seems to be finally getting better.  It looks like I will have some acne discoloration to deal with so I also bought a $90 vitamin A cream(using a gift card). 

Work
I'm so over it.  Today is my last day of work until January 5th and I've been incredibly tired for the last few days so I'm barely hanging in there.  Yesterday I was so tired and lethargic for no reason at all.  Just tired.  I take sleeping pills Sun-Thurs so I can get up for work and usually sleep okay on the weekends so I don't know what is up.