How Much?

I gained 8 lbs in 2013.
I gained 8 lbs in 2014.
I gained 3 lbs in 9 days of the new year.  How much will I gain in 2015?

I'm so tired of living in a body I hate.  A body that continues to grow fatter and fatter leaving me helpless to do anything about it.  A body so out of control that I have reached a new high just when I had started to hope that my weight had leveled out.  Just when I was trying to learn to accept this size.  Foiled again.  I just can't do this.  I realize I have no choice, but everything inside of me is kicking and screaming that I simply cannot go on this way.  My thighs are so large I can barely stand to look at them.  I have this terrible feeling that I will get too big for even my "fat" jeans. I wish my body would cooperate.  I did what it asked.  I've been eating well for a solid year now (greater than 1,500 for 6 months of it) and it continues to morph into this fat disgusting shape that I despise.  Fine.  Gain weight, get fat, but at least leave me with the option to lose it.  Not all of it, but at least some.  When do I get to have any control over this?  I can't even attempt to drop the weight because I already know my body will resist.  I'm stuck like chuck getting fatter and fatter and it really sucks.  This fat girl has been lurking just dying to get out for the last decade.  She's back with a vengeance and I don't think she will quit until I'm busting out of everything I own.

I don't know what happened.  I was holding steady in November and December around 135-136.  During which time I was ravenous and feeding myself accordingly.  I even dipped to 134 for a few days with steady eating.  On December 19th I jumped to 137 finding it difficult to hold onto 136.  On January 3rd it jumped from 136 to 138 overnight and stuck.  I can't even get back to 136 which was my high before.  For a few days there I had hope that it was water weight because I was retaining water but the numbers haven't gone down and I'm sitting at 139.2 today.  Oddly, I'm less hungry now that the numbers are creeping up so I'm finding that I'm satisfied after 1,500 calories.  It seems to be enough for my appetite but I worry if it's enough for my metabolism.  Those things should be in sync but they are not leaving me in total confusion.  I'm afraid to eat too much, I'm afraid to eat to little and I'm afraid to eat intuitively because I can't trust my body or anything to be right thing to do.

I don't know what to do.  Steadily eating 1,800 or so was working just fine for maintenance one day and then the next day it wasn't.  Now, I'm back to  eating too little, eating too much or eating consistently is ALL a maintain or a slow gain.  Typical input/output/exercise formulas don't apply.  I guess my metabolism is still screwed and I don't know how large I have to get or what it's going to take to fix it.