State of the Union

I owe the few of you who are still reading an update.  Big time.  I am not drawn to this space to write like I used to be so there are bigger gaps between posts and by the time I do post so much has transpired that I don't even know where to start.

I'm not getting divorced.

There are no guarantees for the future, but after my husband left it basically went down like this.  I refused to contact him because he's the one who said he wasn't happy with me.  He texted me sporadically during that time.  Maybe twice that first week, about random stuff.  I always replied, but never initiated contact.  This went on for two weeks.  I cried every single day for 10 days straight during that time and was absolutely miserable.  I felt like my life were being torn apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I cried at work.  I cried when I went for my walk breaks.  I cried in the car.  I cried a lot, and yet no one would have never known there was a thing wrong because that's what you have to do in life.  You can't fall apart even when you are. The show must go on.

I questioned everything we did together for the last two years. I read through my old blog posts, stalked his Facebook profile, combed over our text communications, and studied his face in old pictures.  I felt like our relationship was a lie, and I went backwards looking for clues. What's crazy is how surprised he would act when I would say that I felt insecure in the relationship.  Why did he act so surprised when I said I felt insecure in the relationship, when he himself wasn't even happy? Hard as he tried to pretend I could feel it. I knew something wasn't right.  I didn't talk about it for the first few days.  I just kept it inside and dealt with it, but I finally told my mom that Wednesday.  God love that woman.   Most people think we have the best relationship and that everything is perfect.  I needed to talk, and she was the only person I felt I could talk to about it. She  was shocked.  I too was shocked.  I mean, I knew that things didn't feel quite right since at least August 2016, but I didn't realize it was this bad.

One weekend went by without Face Time, but he was out of town.  He sent a few pics from his trip.  He called me the following Saturday on Face Time and acted as if nothing happened.  He said, well you could have called me.  He had completely forgotten that I said I wasn't going to.  We had a regular conversation.  We talked about regular things, and the discussion that nearly gutted me was not mentioned.  So, the next day I texted him and asked him to call me before his team played.  He called and I said that I'd hoped he would bring it up, but since he didn't I would like to know how he is feeling about everything because after what we talked about we can't pretend like it never happened.  He basically said he  felt better after we spoke that night before he left.  I was like no duh.  I always feel better when I have problems or concerns that I speak to him about.  It's common knowledge that communicating has a way of doing that.  Of course you feel better!  He said he feels okay about everything.  He didn't have the second consult with the wellness coach like he intended due to bad weather so there was nothing to say about that.  I don't know if or when he would have ever brought it up if I didn't.  He just doesn't talk about things, but that needs to change.

I told him that I really need him to ask for what he needs or else I won't know.  He understands he has to do a better job of communicating with me and not holding everything in.  I said that I would do better at being flexible and not thinking that I'm always right because I know I tend to do that.  I think so logically and practically about EVERYTHING that of course I'm right.   Right?  But my husband's brain doesn't necessarily operate that way.  Sometimes I might need to do something that doesn't make sense just because he wants me to.  I do my thought process about what makes sense to me and how I think he feel and then I can't see past it.   Him not being super communicative in speaking up about his feelings adds fuel to the flames.  I think he felt like he couldn't win, no matter what he said about the things that were bothering him.  He admitted that he is used to stuffing down his feelings and that he's always been that way.  Not just with me, with anyone.  He doesn't like to talk about anything "negative" pretty much ever.  Bad things just aren't discussed.    He didn't know how to say what he had to say, so he said nothing, and felt trapped.  That had to feel awful for him.  The prospect of discussing something "bad" felt so impossible for him that he would basically throw away 9 years of marriage rather than talk through the issues.  I'm not a monster.  I'm a reasonable person, and I care about his wants and needs.  He can talk to me.  We both agreed to do better.

One of the many things I learned from this entire situation is that my husband is so incredibly out of touch with his own feelings.  He didn't even understand what it was that he was feeling when he first started to feel unhappy.  He is like a little boy when it comes to expressing and articulating his feelings.  I knew this already, but I didn't realize how bad it was.  Not only does he not communicate his feelings in the first place, when he does his delivery is not that great.  He tried, and I'm glad he spoke up, but he basically had me feeling like I should be expecting divorce papers in the mail and I don't really think that is what he necessarily intended.  Then afterwards, he basically fled the country and left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart all alone.

So that was over Thanksgiving, and believe it or not we basically did that same trip back east all over again two months later because his other grandmother passed away so he flew out for that funeral in early January.  This time around I didn't have to plot my way or beg to go.  I wasn't sure how it was all going to go down considering what we just went through a few months ago, but there was no question that I would go. Last time, I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get him to say the words that he wanted me to come with him.  He said he felt indifferent.  I went anyway, but felt sick to my stomach and pretty upset in the days leading up to the trip because I could feel that he didn't want me there.  This time was different.  He booked my ticket for me. I didn't feel sick to my stomach leading up to the trip (which was basically only a few days since the ticket was booked just 2 days in advance).  Just like last time, the circumstance of the visit was unfortunate, but I enjoyed the time we got to spend together.

I feel myself pulling away from him a bit.  It's like, I want to keep myself distant first, so I don't get hurt when he doesn't call or ask how I'm doing or text me  back or basically express any interest in me whatsoever.  I feel vulnerable; like at anytime the rug could be pulled out from under me.  Like, I need to let him come to me.  The fact that he said he knew I was really upset after our conversation, and still didn't think to make any contact with me is hurtful.  I am so glad that we are going to work on this together, but I still feel very insecure about our relationship.  I feel like I can't trust any of his actions to say anything about  his feelings for me.  He did all the right things even when his heart wasn't in it before, so how can I ever truly know where I stand?  I told him I felt like I was on thin ice, and he said don't worry about it.  The ice is fine.  That's him communicating.  The man left in 2016!!  I still think we should go to counseling, but we still have more than a few months of a long distance marriage to get through before he comes home for good.

Imagining my life without him and feeling like I'd lost him was terrifying. I kept thinking of all of the wonderful things that I get out of being his wife, but I couldn't help but wonder, what's in it for him?Being loved my him is pretty much one of the best things that had ever happened to me.  I am not worthy.  If this is the wake up call I need to make myself worthy, then so be it.  I will be worthy.  I can't lose him.