Over?

It's crazy how you can be dying inside and on the edge of an emotional breakdown without anyone noticing.  I go to work.  I make small talk.  I continue to slog through massive amounts of work.  I have no appetite.  I sit on the verge of tears all day.  I hold it in until I get in my car after work and sob almost the whole way home.  I'm in a daze.  I am numb.  I am hurting.  My heart is breaking and I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.

My worst nightmare finally happened.  My husband admitted to me that he's not happy with our marriage.  The crazy thing about it is that he says it's not me it's him.  Not helpful at all.  I should have known.  Deep down I think I did, but because my husband is pretty non verbal I payed attention to his actions more than his lack of words.  He traveled thousands of miles to come home for my sisters wedding last year and Christmas, and twice this year when he didn't have to.  He paid to fly one of my sisters out for my Birthday.  He didn't even tell me that, I found out from my mom just recently.  He sent flowers on V day, and bought me a first class ticket to come see him over the summer.  He does all the things that good husbands do, but I still didn't feel loved and I couldn't figure out why.  I thought it was just me being insecure, and ungrateful.  My husband is the strong silent type.  He isn't chatty at all.  Having a conversation with him at times is like having a conversation with a wall.  It is to the point where I choose not to tell him things unless he asks because his unresponsiveness is hurtful.  If he asks about my day or if I slept okay or how so and so is doing or how did my doctor appointment go I'll tell him.  If he ask he wants to know and if he doesn't then he probably isn't interested.  Earlier this year I stumbled upon so many old emails from him where he actually communicated his feelings about me, but over the last few years, probably longer, that all stopped.  I noticed this year that he only says I love you at obvious times, like before we hang up the phone or say good-bye.  He never tells me I'm pretty or cute or hot anymore.  He rarely asks me how I'm doing, and seems totally unsympathetic to anything tough I might be going through.  He generally seems to have no concern about my well being at all.  He never says I miss you or I had fun with you or I am glad to see you.   I asked him twice why he decided to come home for Thanksgiving and I still  couldn't even get him to say he wanted to see me.  We talked about it probably a month ago.  Anytime we talk about anything "real" that can get uncomfortable or negative it's because I bring it up.  Again, I assumed it's just because he isn't good at communicating, and I'm sure that was part of it, but the other part of it I didn't know because he didn't tell me is that he hasn't been happy for a few years now.  Talk about dropping a bombshell.  He's made sure that we saw each other a lot this year even while he's been overseas because he kept hoping that seeing me would bring back his feelings for me.  He didn't want to hurt me, and he knew what he had to say most certainly would.

We found out the weekend before Thanksgiving that his grandmother died.  He was supposed to come here for 2 weeks, but instead had to change plans and head here for only one night and then back east for a week, before returning here for just a day before heading back overseas.  I asked him if he felt like he wanted me to go.  This is the first time he's lost anyone close to him and I wanted to be there for him.  He booked his flights, but didn't tell me any of the info until I asked for it.  I found his flights online and then told him that I could book it and go with him but I wanted to check with him first.  He said, I didn't have to.  He didn't want me to feel obligated.  We wouldn't be able to sit together since he booked in 1st class.  He never thought about me going.  It's a whole week.  It just never crossed his mind.  It was like he was trying to convince me not to go.  His home town is pretty podunk.  Nobody really wants to go there, but I wanted to be there for him and it was the only way I would be able to spend any time with him at all.  I said, well I can book it but it would be nice to hear that you want me there.  He said he was indifferent about me coming.  That was his word.  I could not get him to say that he would want me to come so I told him to sleep on it and call me his morning and my night.  I cried to my mom about it.  I said he doesn't want me there.  I talked to his mom about it.  Not going felt totally wrong.  Why shouldn't we spend thanksgiving together if we can even if it is under not so ideal circumstances? So I booked it and told him that morning.  I asked if he was mad?  He said no, just that it was really bad timing.  Not once then or since did he ever say he was glad that I came or that he was glad he got to spend time with me.  I talked to 4 people about my uncertainty over if I should be going or not.  They all thought I should be there and that he does want me to be there but just doesn't want to inconvenience me and/or is underestimating the emotional gravity of the situation.  They were wrong.

The day after we got back is when he finally told me what he hasn't been able to say for 2 years.  No wonder he didn't want me traveling with him and spending time with his extended family.  I canceled our airline tickets and plans to spend Thanksgiving with my family, and booked a last minute ticket to be with him.  Total de ja vu from last year.  I literally chased him across the US, and then come to find out that he doesn't even know if he wants to be married anymore.  Oh, and did I mention it was our 9 year anniversary, and I had just given him a cute little coupon book of favors and changed into a sexy nighty? I feel incredibly stupid, and so hurt.  I feel like our relationship has been a lie for the last two years.  How can he still want to have sex and tell me that he loves me and cuddle with me at night for the last week and yet he doesn't know if he wants a divorce?  He made a point to text I love you before he boarded the plane.  Why?

I dropped him off at the airport the very next day on my way to work.  He texted to let me know he made it home.  He doesn't come home for good until January.  We don't even know the date yet. In the meantime, I am stuck in this awful state of limbo where I very well could be losing the love of my life and seeing my entire world fall apart. I  am sick to my stomach.  I don't want to see anyone but there are two friends I promised to make plans with this month.  I have to pretend I'm okay, because life has to go on, but I'm absolutely not okay.  I just want to die and it's only been two nights and three days of knowing this horrible truth.  I'm sure at some point my mom will call and maybe I'll mention it to her, but other than that I intend to keep it to myself.   There isn't anyone else who I feel I can talk to about any of this.

I knew it was too good to be true.  No way in hell would a man like that love a woman like me.  He is too good for me and it seems it was only a matter of time before he realized it.  He is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me and I truly fear for  my emotional well being and what my life will look like if I don't have him in it.

There is so much more going on that I haven't talked about but this is all I got for now.