The Best Time of My Life

It's been so long I had to go back to my last post to see what the hell was even going on.  February.  Now it's August.  I didn't even blog here about my fantabulous Birthday in April.  I don't even know where to start.

I'll just start with what I'm dealing with right now.  Depression.  You see, this was my first week back in the country after being in Germany with my husband or 6 weeks.  Six amazing, wonderful, perfect weeks of freedom, happiness, time with my husband and travel.  I can honestly say it was probably the best time of my life.  How do you come back from that?  How do you accept the day to day grind of life as is when you were free as a bird and living the life you always wished you could live for 6 precious weeks?

Well, it's hard.

On July 7th I flew from USA to Germany.  This trip was in the works for a while.  We knew that if he got sent to Germany for a year, we would most definitely try to get me out there for an extended period of time if we could make it work for Summer months when my job is less busy.  I got permission from work to take a leave of absence and my husband booked my first class ticket in April.  We spent the next few months making travel plans.  Where would we go, what hotels would we stay in, what did we want to do?  It was exhausting, but at the same time so awesome because I love to travel and this would be the most epic trip of all.  Making the plans is all part of the fun and excitement for me.   We decided we wanted to go back to Paris.  I have been dreaming of Santorini for a long time, so we decided on Athens and Santorini.  I wanted a beach vacation so Mallorca, Spain made the list, and finally Prague, Czech Republic.  My husband put together the schedule of when we would go where, and the hotel search began.

I actually did pretty good leading up to the trip with not stressing myself out getting everything together because I made a fantastic packing list of every single thing I needed to pack and lists of every single thing I needed to do and loose ends I needed to tie up.  When you are planning to be gone for so long there are so many things that pop up that need taking care of.  Up to the very last minute I was cleaning house, shopping, picking up prescriptions, contacts, ordering last minute things, going to doctor appointments, and getting my hair done.  My parents were in town the weekend before I left.  Then my sister and nephew came into town and joined us. Then they all headed for Vegas where my parents live, and I followed them there from that Friday to Sunday.  I had a flight to catch Friday morning.  It was a lot, but I made it.

First class is pretty amazing.  It was my first and probably my last time ever getting to fly in style.  You get to board first, and getting off is a breeze because there are less people in that section and you are at the front.  They feed you food and refill your wine glass almost from the moment you get on until the time you leave.  Normally I hate long flights but the international leg in business class was a dream.  Fancy food, wine, desserts, and comfort the whole way.  I felt kind of weird when I first got on, like I didn't belong there, but on the way back I felt like a pro.  I already knew how to recline the seat so I could lay down.  I used to always look at people in first class, like oh my gosh, they must be rich.  Well, maybe they are, but I'm not!  It was weird to be part of that group I always looked at with curiosity.  It was THE BEST, and my trip was just getting started.

Every one to five days we had another trip to look forward to as soon as I got there.  The day after I arrived in Stuttgart we took the train to Paris.  We saw Moulin Rouge, visited the Versailles Palace and explored a different part of the city every day.   We had five days between paris and Athens.  We spent 3 nights in Athens before heading to Santorini.  I want to cry just thinking back to the beauty of Santorini.  It was like living in a postcard.  Truly a dream come true.  Blue waters and white buildings everywhere.  We had our own personal jacuzzi and our cave style apartment was nestled 86 steps down cliffside overlooking the Aegean Sea.  Our day at sea on the sunset cruise was the best day ever.  It was absolutely AMAZING.  We had a routine.  After a trip I would do the laundry while my husband went to work.  Then we'd re-pack and get going again.  I lost track of the days.  Monday or Saturday...it was all the same.  We ate out for every meal.  Every day was a new adventure.  We only had two days after Santorini before we were back at the airport and on an airplane to Mallorca, Spain.  We spent a lovely five days and four nights mostly at the beach.  The beach there was perfection.  Aqua waters, white sand, and an ocean that felt like bath water.  The hotel was gorgeous.  One day we went and explored the city of Palma, but other than that we were at the beach or pool every other day.  There were five days until the next trip which was a five hour road trip to Prague.  If Santorini was like living in a postcard then Prague was like living in a fairy tale.  My mouth fell open looking at the beautiful buildings.  Every single one was a work of art.  Prague is such a fun and beautiful city. It's the kind of place you want to just take your time meandering around an taking it all in so that's what we did.  We had a drink in a medieval pub, explored castles, and continued on with our daily habit of an ice-cream cone a day.  On a hot day there is nothing better!  I mean really.  Paris, Athens, Santorini, Mallorca, Prague?  It was all a dream and a whirlwind and everything I ever wanted.  Every place was so special and unique and amazing in it's own way.  And my god, I have never been happier or more carefree.  The dark circles under my eyes went away and I slept like a baby.

In between all of these amazing trips and after was a chance to explore Germany.  We visited the black forest, and took the train to nearby cities, and drove to castles.  When it was me on my own I picked a different destination each day and walked there.  Stuttgart has so many beautiful green spaces.  I'd wake up whenever the hell I wanted.  Usually 9:30 or 10am.  I'd make coffee and eat my toast for breakfast and then I'd set out on my walk for the day.  I'd stop for a sandwich or wine depending on the day.  Sometimes I'd walk to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  Then I'd come home and blog and/or watch TV and wait for my husband to get home from work.

I decided before I left that I would not attempt to track calories.  I was expecting that I wouldn't have a scale either, but when I got there I found out my husband had one, but didn't tell me.  Right then an there I decided to stick with the plan and not use it.  It would be a good opportunity for me to be out of my comfort zone and practice intuitive eating and not tracking weight for the first time ever. I never flipped over a package to look at the calories.  Partly because I didn't care and partly because the unit of measure is slightly different and I didn't always understand it.  I was truly free of numbers and it was such a weight of my shoulders.  I ate ice-cream, Indian food, Thai food, french fries, Pizza, Burgers, Cheesy pasta without concern or worry.  I ate when  I was hungry, stopped when I was full, and indulged as I desired.

I got to be with my husband. I had zero responsibilities except laundry and to do my part to keep the kitchen clean.  It was so amazing to just live life.  I mean, when you think about it most of us don't get to do that.  It was a real summer vacation.  It was me living life and enjoying it fully.  I got to just BE.  So you can imagine that coming back to real life and back to reality is quite a let down.  It was truly the best time of my life.  There is nothing else I'll ever do that will be as amazing as what I just experienced.  I will never be that blissfully happy again for that long.  So what is the point?  What now?

The crazy thing is that there are people that live that life.  I see them all over Instagram.  For six weeks I got to be that person on Instagram who doesn't have to work 9-5 yet somehow has all the money for travel and adventure.  That cool person living a life I normally only dream of.  Six weeks of the good life is long enough to kind of ruin you.  I got a taste of it, and it was amazing, but now that I'm left with the life I really live all I feel is disappointment.  I'm depressed.  Not just bummed out.  Depressed.  I don't want to blog.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to do anything.  I feel excitement about nothing.  I am an empty shell just going through the motions of grocery shopping and errands.  I don't want to participate in social media.  I actually had to unfollow a bunch of accounts, in particular this one blogger chick who is part of of the blogger in crowd I could never get into.  She moved to Germany from the US and blogs and travels full time.  I just can't watch her lead the life I want for myself right.  I just can't.  I feel weepy and on the verge of tears multiple times a day.  I actually did cry at work on Thursday.  Partly because of work/life stress, but also because my husband was annoyed at me for asking a question.  I hate it when he's annoyed at me.  And so many many times throughout the trip I felt like the biggest dummy and loser for not knowing or remembering certain things.  It was terrible.  Maybe I'll go into that more later, but it's that self doubt that constantly creeps in telling me that I'm not good enough for him.  He's always positive.  He's perfect and everything he's ever touched turns to gold except me.  I worry that one day he'll regret marrying me and spending his prime years with someone like me.

All I want to do is stay at home, drink wine, watch TV, You Tube videos, and sleep.  I did make plans with a friend for next week though...because I love this friend.  Her friendship means too much for me to drop off the face of the earth.  I will have to put on a happy face, and honestly it's good to have that kind of friend in my life to keep me going because I know how easy it can be to just disappear.  I've done it.  My husband is also that person for me.  You can't just give up and fall into utter despair when people are counting on you to be there.

I got back from Stuttgart on Friday night.  As soon as I got home the work began.  I had to unpack.  I had to clear cobwebs out of my kitchen, out the side door, and out the front door.  I guess that's what happens when your house is empty for that long.  I had to pick up mail from the post office (only to be told they had no record of my vacation hold), sort through piles of mail (lucky for me our friend was kind enough to check our mail even though I didn't ask him to and bring it in every week), get my car washed, go to the ATM, get gas, get my jewelry inspection done, get groceries, drive my husbands car because it's been sitting for 6 weeks, and meal prep.  I didn't want to do any of it, but what other choice do I have?  The show must go on, whether I like it or not.

First day back at work, Monday and  I'm told that we have to give an oral presentation on Wednesday (I never do oral presentations!) and there is a huge horrible project that we should have been about week ago, but needs to be finished yesterday.  It's a yearly project I usually take the lead on and do most of the work on.  The jet lag had me super sleepy at 7pm and wide awake at 4:30am, but unfortunately it didn't last long.  My insomnia came back with a vengeance by Tuesday night and I was back to feeling sleep deprived and counting the days until Friday.  I also have my shoulder to deal with.  The reality is that it's not really getting better and I'm facing a chronic shoulder pain for the rest of my life type of situation.  I got an MRI in March confirming a torn rotator cuff, and started Physical Therapy shortly thereafter.  I did the exercises daily religiously up until the day I left in July.  They were really hard to keep up with while I was away but I'm back on it.  I could feel it getting stiffer and more painful without regular exercises.  There is some improvement after a week of consistent exercises, but all that's telling me is that I'll have to do exercises the rest of my life for pain management.

I have been doing "blind" weigh ins since I've been back.  I step on the scale with my scale app open, but keep the volume down and don't look.  I really want to continue this whole intuitive eating thing because I really don't want to fall back into my old habits.  It feels good not to judge myself and my body by a number that will never be good enough for me.  Since I've been home I haven't been weighing foods or tracking calories.  Well, I did weigh my meat and carrots but mainly just for portioning and wanting to distribute the food equally over the days.  My jeans still fit.  I don't look bigger.  That's going to be good enough for me right now, and when I'm ready I'll look.  I weighed myself every morning since I've been back, but I think now I'll start in with one day a week...probably Wednesday, and I still don't want to know the number just yet.  It seemed impossible that I could ever stand not knowing, but turns out I like it.  

So that's where I'm at right now.  A week at home, feeling lonely, sad, and disenchanted with life in general.  It was really hard saying good-bye to my husband.  It's been exactly 1 year since he moved to Germany, and he won't be back until January.  I miss him, but right now I feel more distant from him than ever.  I don't know.  I haven't reached out to him because it really just kind of hurts right now that I'm not there anymore.  Keeping my distance means I don't have to pretend that I'm okay.   We did face time the night I got back and have only exchanged a few texts over the week.  Work sent him to Bosnia  for 3 days the week I left so he was also traveling.