Tired. Broken. Maintaining.

I've only been working out on weekends.  Twice a week.  Between the cold weather, rain, shorter days, and the insomnia, I'm just over it.  Over it!  I am a zombie during the week.  I can't seem to make myself do it.

Also, add to that shoulder pain that just seems to get worse and worse.  All summer, it hurt when I did push-ups with my butt in the air.  It wasn't terrible and it wasn't affecting my daily life so I ignored it. By November, when I was visiting my husband, it hurt to pick up my purse when it was sitting beside me.  I went to the doctor in early January and without an MRI or anything but a basic in office exam I was diagnosed with rotator cuff syndrome and sent home with a list of exercises to do.  Some of them hurt, some of them didn't, but I did them daily for about 3 weeks.  My shoulder seemed to get worse, and then for a bit it started to seem like it was getting better.  Some of the exercises that started out causing me pain no longer did, and it no longer hurt when I mixed my ground turkey.  I incorporated a few extra exercises and then within a week or so it most definitely got worse.  Now I have pain in more places, and doing more things than before.  It aches when I'm not moving it, and hurts like hell when I do simple things like grab my keys off a dresser or crank my steering wheel to back out of a parking spot.  There is also this weird clicking sound when I move it.  I quit sleeping on that side back in November because it wasn't comfortable and now I'm starting to do things like open doors with my left arm to avoid aggravating it.  I'm not doing any more exercises until I get more information about what is actually wrong with my shoulder.  I will request an MRI and hopefully a referral to someone other than my primary doctor who might be able to help me, because this is not cool.  Not cool at all.

I was planning to start incorporating more yoga and Pilates instead of just hard core circuit training exercises this year, but it hurts to raise my arms in even the simplest of yoga moves and I don't want to bear any weight on it.  I haven't done an arm workout since November, and some of the ab circuits require putting weight on arms so I've been avoiding those too.  The shoulder thing kinda threw a wrench in my usual workouts, and I'm so sleep deprived I just gave up.  I was still hanging onto one leg circuit on Sundays, but then it went to just walking because it's the only time I have enough daylight to do it and I can't seem to motivate myself for circuits right now.  When I feel like getting back to circuits I'll be limited to legs and ab.  Thank god this didn't happen when I was fat and had all this weight to lose.  That would have SUCKED.  

I've been reading up on rotator cuff tears, and it's not pretty.  It seems that they take a super long time to heal and that even if you have surgery it still might not work, because all they have to work with is weakened tissue.  I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself, but I'm already thinking about the possibility of not being able to do a bridge or a handstand for a really really long time, if ever.

I'm so tired.  I feel like every time I turn around I have another physical problem to deal with.  Nothing life threatening, thank goodness, just crap that makes life a little bit harder in some way.

Two weeks ago I slept horribly.  The worst I have in a while.  I started a sleep education class through Kaiser, so I've been keeping a sleep diary.  I decided to do screenshots with my phone to time stamp it every time I wake up in the middle of the night so I can keep track and I was waking up to about 4-5 shots per night.  That Thursday night I decided to go without my sleeping pill just to see what would happen and I didn't sleep any better or worse.  I learned that I do sleep, it's just not very good quality.  The sleep I seem to be getting the most of is the kind of sleep where you are constantly dreaming.  The REM phase.  There are 3 phases + REM.  Phase 3 is the most restful, and I can only guess I'm not getting enough of that one, plus waking up every two hours, means I feel like shit by 9am and still have the rest of the day to slog through.  I was in tears last Friday, because I felt so physically ill from lack of sleep.  This past week was a bit better.  I actually had two decent nights.  The first day after I felt pretty great.  I didn't hit that horrible tired crash until late afternoon and the second day after a decent sleep I hit it around lunch.  That's improvement.

I'm hanging out between 132-134 lbs and I think this is probably my set weight, because I'm maintaining it with little exercise and flexibility with my food.  I'm eating between 1500-1750 calories per day.  Sometimes it's more, but rarely is it less.  I eat healthy through the week and then Friday through Sunday I can eat whatever I want, which sometimes is still healthy stuff because in general those are the kinds of foods I prefer to eat.  I'd consider getting Thai take out, but I'm not gonna order a pizza or go get a burger for dinner on my own.  I'm just not, and if I'm not too hungry, but know I should eat, I'm going to go for a salad with chicken in it.  My clothes are fitting even a little bit looser than before.  I tried on jeans at Madewell and Gap and I'm fitting into 27's (26's in the Madewell boyfriend which runs bigger), which is surprising because all of my skinny jeans that don't fit are 26's.  I'm about 10-15 lbs heavier than the last time I fit into those 26's so I'm thinking it could be vanity sizing since they are all about 8 years old.  I feel like over time the size might be the same, but the clothes seem to get bigger.  My fat jeans are definitely sagging sagging in the butt, and the waist is gaping.  I think this is probably the size I'm supposed to be so I think I'm ready to buy some nice jeans that fit.  I still look in the mirror sometimes and see a fatty, but realistically I know that people who look at me see a slim person even if I don't.

Today is the last day of a long five day weekend.  It's been so nice!  I watched movies every night, slept 'til 8ish, drank coffee and ate peanut butter toast while catching up on shows, and then either went for a walk and/or errands for the day.  I had two outings; Saturday and Sunday.  The other two were spent at home.  I'm sitting here in bed with my laptop drinking wine and thinking about a nap. It's close to 5:00pm so that might not be the best idea, but either way I love being so cozy at home. I'm waiting for my husband to call me before he goes to sleep.  It's almost 1am in Germany.  He's turned into a night owl.