I started out the year by gaining 3 pounds during the first 9 days. I was 143 lbs. Sloppy. Fat. Ashamed. Hiding under skirts. Hiding behind people in pictures and avoiding friends. It was bad. I felt the worst I had ever felt about myself, and I was scared because I didn't know when the gaining would ever stop. Not one to give up, it was time for a new plan. I joined an 8 week fitness challenge on Instagram in January. Workouts and macros were provided. I about cried when she recommended I start at 1,500. I was fine with the number, but I'd already tried that and was hoping for something different. I was afraid I'd be too hungry and by this time I was afraid of hunger, because it usually meant I'd gain. I went with it and I was hungry for a few days but then it leveled out and I was fine. The exercise was a combination of weight lifting, HIIT, and strength training 6 days per week. For 8 weeks I was perfect. I kinda got tired of the lifting and did less of that during the second 4 weeks, but I stuck to the schedule, did every single workout and had not one single cheat meal. I sent progress pics every two weeks and hit my macros. I lost zero weight, and I was losing all hope. I wanted to give up, until the middle of that last week when I lost real weight for the first time in two years. I went from 143 to 140 and lost inches in my hips and waist.
I launched into BBG 2.0 from March to May, and hired a 2nd macro coach for the first four weeks of it. Again, 1,500 calories, but slightly different macros, and I allowed myself one weekly cheat meal if I wanted it. I exercised 6 days per week, no misses. 3-4 circuits per week, 1 day of cardio, and 1-2 days of walking. After 12 weeks I was down to 136 looking leaner than I did at that weight a year ago. For the first time in 2 1/2 years I had some hope that I wasn't destined to gain weight year after year until I became obese.
After I finished BBG 2.0 I took a 1 week active rest week during the first week of June where I did things like walk and do Yoga. My body was feeling pretty beat up. I needed a break. After that I did 5 days per week workouts. I did whatever circuits I wanted and 1 day of cardio per week at the gym. I stuck with pretty strict meal planning because it was my last big push before my first trip of the year. The end of June was the first time in 6 months that I was away from my exercise and meal planning routine for any extended period of time. When I went on a trip with my husband to visit his family and came back only .8 lbs up I knew that my metabolism was truly and finally on the road to health. I was anxious about being away from my meal and exercise plan too long. I exercised almost every day, and weighed and measured all food at home. I allowed myself one treat meal and one treat dessert per week and tried to make healthy choices on non cheat days. I still wasn't completely "normal" but this was progress and the closest to "normal" that I had ever been in a long time.
I only managed about 10 days of working out in July because of two long weekend trips and a husband that was leaving the country. For the first time all year I took 10 days off with absolutely no exercise. Not walking. Nothing. My body responded so well with little to no weight gain after three vacations, but I was still a bit anxious about allowing myself that much needed time off. However, I needed it. Physically and Mentally.
In August I launched into the 12 Week Healthy Body Guide because I could feel myself losing motivation and this program would take me through October. It was perfect because it was easier on my body than BBG, but still made up of intense circuit style workouts that I love. I still did weekly meal planning of chicken and/or turkey but allowed myself to loosen up on weekends with my go to "fun weekend foods" which included Chicken or Steak bowl from Chipotle, black bean bowl from El Pollo Loco or carne asada tacos from my favorite taco shops. Dining out with friends and splurging was on the menu too. For the first 8 weeks I stuck to 6 days per week. The 5 circuits + 1 day in the gym of cardio. For the last 4 weeks I allowed myself to cut down to just the 5 circuits. My weight for August averaged between 133-134. My "fat" jeans were getting loose and I was fitting into pants that I hadn't fit into for two years. It felt great.
My goal was to workout consistently for the entire year and see what kind of shape I could get my body in, so I continued in November 5 days per week of whatever workouts I wanted to do (cardio, walk, circuits, yoga) until the week before Thanksgiving. I booked a last minute trip out of the country. I spent one week preparing for it, 11 days on the trip, and a week recovering it so that when all was said and done I was 3 weeks without exercise. The longest amount of time I had gone all year. I ate all the food and I came back exactly 1 lb heavier and ended up seeing my lowest weights of the year in the week that followed. I allowed myself to relax over the holidays. I had worked my butt off all year. I had put in the work so that by the time the holidays rolled around I wasn't one of those people worried about end of year holiday weight. I enjoyed the holidays without stressing about every piece of food I put into my mouth and breaking my neck to get in exercise. It was such a stark contrast to the year before when I was at my heaviest weight, feeling like a fat pig, and terrified.
I had to skip the Victoria's Secret fashion show in 2014 and 2015 because I felt so disgusting and I knew my self esteem could not handle it. Those angels represent pretty much everything I'll never be and it was too painful to watch. I watched the 2014 show at the end of 2015, the 2015 show at the end of 2016 and when the 2016 show came on it only took me a few nights. That's progress. My exercise routine slowed down mid December due to cold, not feeling like it and just wanting to hang out with my husband. My weight that month averaged 131-133.
Counting the years of 1995-2002 in which I gradually escalated my behaviors is essentially 18 years of self-hatred, restriction, and goal of eating as little as possible to become as skinny as possible. I was deep in a disordered lifestyle from 2003-2006. There was a two year quasi break from 2007-2008 in which I let up a little because my metabolism crashed and then I fell right back into it deep from 2009-2013. The year 2014 marks the first time in 19 years that I had ever aimed to eat a normal amount of food consistently. And you know the crazy thing about it is that to this day, I look back and still wonder if I even had an eating disorder. I didn't have the guts to make myself vomit, I was never hospitalized, and there was only a brief time in 2004 when I met the clinical anorexia definition. They say eating disorders aren't about losing weight, but for me I think it was ergo, I did not have an eating disorder. When my body fought me I pushed back until the weight loss was absolutely not going to be possible, but never before. Maybe that's what saved me? It was hard and tortuous at times, but the battle for thin was always a battle I was willing to fight until I had no other choice. I fought to be thin until the bitter end, but when the writing was on the wall in 2006 and then again in 2013 I quit. I wasn't afraid of food itself, just terrified of the weight it would inevitably pile on.
So what now? Is my eating disorder story really over? Since I've let up on exercise and been eating whatever whenever, I'm closer to 133's-134's this month. Not a horrible place to start 2017. I still freak out a little when my weight gets "too high." Instead, of 118 it's 135 that makes me anxious now. I am definitely more flexible with the amount and kinds of foods I eat day to day, but I still weigh and measure almost everything that goes into my mouth when I eat at home . I like the routine of my "safe" meal plan. I track calories and weigh daily unless I'm on vacation. Sometimes I eat a lot. Other times I restrict and have to remind myself that it's not okay to do that anymore. I still long to be skinny and I will always envy naturally thin people. It will forever be the ideal aesthetic for me. I can't help it. I miss my bones, size zero jeans and the "my gosh, how small are you?" comments. There are moments when I look in the mirror and feel okay about what I see. Sometimes I even feel slim. It feels good to put something on and realize how much looser it is on me than it was two years ago. Then other times all I see is a big girl. I, shake my head and think, how sad that you are not even close to skinny at all. I don't think this eating disorder, this thing will ever fully go away. I've come a long way. I'm really proud of myself for putting on the weight, even if it really wasn't my choice), and then losing some of it, even if it was only 10 lbs. 10 months of hard work went into that, and it changed my body enough so that I could cope with living inside it. I think I am still somewhat disordered and I still have serious issues with body image. I am strong, healthy, and working towards accepting my size and a reasonable goal weight. I think that's the best I can hope for.
Thank you for sharing your story hon <3
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