Part III: The Beginning of the End

2012 This is about when my body started to push back, but I fought hard and managed to stay pretty thin.  I stayed in the 112-114 range between March and April but then I couldn't even hold onto 114.  April 16th was the last day I'd see that number.  I struggled and got progressively heavier for the rest of the year.  In June I inched up to 117's.  In July I started seeing 119's but managed to get down to 116's-117's right before Europe at the end of September.   My post Europe weight in October was 122. I could rarely manage to crack as low as the high 118's after that.  119-121 became the norm.  The 4 pounds of vacation weight in 15 days from 118-122 was "real" weight.  I struggled through the holidays barely hanging onto the 118's here and there.  I started to notice that while most of my clothes still have room to spare some of my pants are fitting snugger.  I gained 7 lbs that year.

2013 This year, was truly the beginning of the end, but still, I refused to give up.  I refocused my weight loss efforts in January 2013 but only got heavier.  The end of February was the last time I saw 119.  I was so desperate that I started experimenting with extreme diets.  In April I tried low carb for 3 days then I started trying juice fasts between 3-5 days.  In May some of my clothes started to feel snug.  In June I tried the Advocare 10 day cleanse and started the 30 Day Shred.  I ate totally clean for those 10 days save for a few cheats on wine and cheese.  I was almost perfect, but still couldn't chip away at my weight.  I was beat down, exhausted, frustrated and no matter how hard I tried it only got worse.  June 17th was the last day I hit below 120 and June 18th was the last day I saw 121.  July saw no improvement and by August I had to face the reality that there was a good chance I had destroyed my metabolism again and that history had repeated itself.  Some of my clothes had gone from snug to downright tight and the gap between my thighs seemed to be getting smaller and smaller.  I had exhausted all available efforts to lose weight. I was constantly starved and barely eating over 1,000 calories on most days but I was still either maintaining or gaining. On July 29th I started inching my way up to 1,300 calories because I felt I had no choice.  August 6th, 122.5, September 9th 123, September 25th 123.5, September 29th 124.5, October 7th, 125 and even more panic ensued.  I finally went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked and get referred to a Nutritionist.  After just 8 weeks of eating higher cals the big question in my mind was, just how fat can I get?  I went to therapy in November to try to get help dealing with my anxiety about gaining weight and eating more. We went on vacation to Hawaii in December.  I left at 126 and came home at 125.4 after 8 days of pigging out on high sodium take out foods and probably averaging at least 1,600-1,800 calories a day.  I was shocked that it wasn't worse and considered just not caring at all anymore about what I ate. I gained 2 lbs after vacation (probably because I tried too hard at "watching what I ate") and by the end of the year I was 128.5. That's 9.5 lbs in one year.  I was frustrated and miserable.

2014 I went for metabolic testing that told me that I should be able to eat 1,900 calories to maintain and 1,700-1,800 per day to lose and that my resting BMR was 1,486 so I decided to try to inch my way up to 1,500 calories.  I had surgery in February and managed to stay in the 126-128 range through May.  My main goal post surgery was not to gain weight because I was laid up at home for about 6 weeks.  I ate always above 1,000 usually around 1,200 to 1,300 and sometimes above 1,500.  I tried to stick with 25 Fat, 50 Carbs, 25 Protein.  My weight jumped to 130 in June and I felt so fat and so awful about it.  Still at a loss, I hired a macro coach for 6 weeks and started a 12 week weight lifting based exercise plan on June 16 that was 100% weightlifting for the first 4 weeks.  The timing sucked because of an upcoming  vacation, but I needed help eating at least my BMR more consistently and it couldn't wait.  It was hard because I had never actively tried to eat that much consistently before.   I simply didn't know how to do it the right way and I was terrified.  Her plan put me at 1,500 per day.  I was a bit hungry at first, but then it felt like a struggle to fit it all in.  I stuck with it to a T right up until my vacation at the end of June.  We went to Mexico where I laid around on the beach drinking and eating all day.  I came home 1.4 lbs heavier, which was not bad at all considering.  I jumped right back into my meal plan/exercise routine and gained another pound on top of that.

If I ate too little I gained, if I ate too much I gained, if I exercised too much I gained.  Typical input/output/exercise formulas just didn't apply to me and that was most frustrating of all.  I added cardio in July, worked out almost every day, and stuck to the meal plan (with slight increase in calories because of cardio), but by end August the scale jumped as high as 139 so I scaled it back.  I must be trying too hard.  I quit working out period and my weight seemed to stabilize around 136.  So many meltdowns and so much frustration that year.  My weight was going up at an alarming weight, and that summer I busted out of every single pair of shorts I own.  We had to stop at the store on the way to bike riding just so I could have something to wear.  We went on vacation again in September to NYC.  I gained 1 lb while we were gone and two days after return I was back down to 136.  This is about when I switched tactics and stopped worrying about hitting macros so much and just stuck to trying to eat 1,600 calories.  I didn't gain much while eating a lot on vacations so I figured I'd just try steady eating to build my metabolism up.  Most of what I ate was healthy.  I also got really lazy with exercise from September through year end. I was just so tired of trying so hard and having nothing but weight gain to show for it.  By the end of the year I was holding between 134-137.  I really started to notice definite patterns day to day where my weight would jump up if I didn't eat enough, so my calorie goal became 1,600-1,800 and I tried not to let myself get too hungry which was nearly impossible.  I was shoveling food into my face, and yet I was constantly insatiably hungry all the time (unless we went out to eat and I had a large meal).  I woke up ravenous, would eat something, be hungry before too long, eat something for lunch and feel the hunger pangs get worse even as I was eating.  I was just always hungry and there was not much I could do about it. I gained 11 pounds that year.

2015 Suddenly without notice my weight jumped to 138 overnight a few days into the New Year with no explanation and no change in what I was doing.  A week later it jumped to 139.  I was less hungry once the numbers started creeping up again, so that I was satisfied after 1,500 calories.  It seemed to be enough for my appetite but I still worried if it was enough for my metabolism.  I didn't know what to do.  I was afraid to eat too much, afraid to eat to little, and afraid to eat intuitively because I couldn't trust my body or anything to be right thing to do.  I read that rest is a must to heal metabolism, and it was the one thing I hadn't tried.  I quit exercise for all of January, added yoga/Pilates in February, and resumed cardio in March.  My old modeling agent e mailed about a casting I knew I couldn't go on because I was just too big.  My shoulders filled out, my arms no longer looked scrawny anymore, by butt and thighs were fuller.  I missed my bones!!

My weight went as high as 140-142 in February and the insatiable hunger continued, although some weeks were better than others.  I did a home hormone testing kit and found my cortisol was normal.  I was able to rule that out, so I launched into a new plan.  My last ditch effort was Bikini Body Guide for 12 weeks which I would kick off with eating Whole30 for a month.  Starting in April I ate eggs, meat, vegetables, fruits and nuts.  That's it.  No dairy, no grains, no beans, no alcohol, no sugar, no processed foods.  I was PERFECT.  My weight would not budge.  I tried cutting out eggs during the last week of Whole30 and my weight dipped immediately to 136.  I figured I had discovered an egg sensitivity.  I'd been eating them daily for a year, and was excited that maybe now I'd finally be able to lose weight.   May through June I added back dairy and grains (no eggs) but still couldn't hold onto 136.   I ate perfectly and I did not miss a single workout exercising 5-6 days a week for 12 weeks.  I started at 139 and by the end all I did was gain and lose the same pound.  I wanted to give up, but I was determined to see it through so that I would know I did everything I could.  It wasn't until the very last week of BBG that somehow my weight dropped from 140-133 over the course of 8 days. So, so odd considering I hadn't been able to lose a single pound in over a year.  It didn't stick though, and I knew it wouldn't.  I ended up with a 3 lbs loss in twelve weeks that I wasn't hopeful I could maintain and felt like a failure.  I went off to Hawaii for vacation end of June at 135.  I decided that for the first time pretty much ever, I would not track calories.  I logged nothing in Lose It while on vacation and it felt so good not to. There were lots of pictures and I immediately noticed that my belly was round and I had to suck in super hard to hide it.  I had abs when I flexed, but even that made my belly look thick.  It was really weird. I gained one pound while I was there, which I was thrilled about.

After we got back I did side by side progress photos and noticed that my back and muffin top area had trimmed down so I took measurements and was pleasantly surprised to have lost some inches even though the scale didn't change much, but that thick belly told me I still had a long way to go.

Looking back, this is where I think it may have been possible to turn things around had I returned and thrown myself right back into exercise with the same vigor, but who can say for sure?  I gained 1 lb during Mexico and then 2 lbs on top of that afterwards when I threw myself back into a vigorous diet and exercise routine.  After NYC I was a little bit more lax and was actually able to lose the vacation gain.  I was in a good place, having gained only 1 lb during vacation still sitting at 136, but I was paralyzed with fear over what to do next.   3 lbs lost after 12 weeks of perfect diet and exercise felt like nothing and trying too hard had always gotten me into trouble, so I couldn't even trust that my body was truly responding.   I was so confused.  After all the meticulous eating and hard exercising I had done in the past and still gained I just couldn't do it anymore.  I was so so tired of it all. When we got back I ate a healthy 1,500 calories per day aiming to keep the fats low, got in 3-4 exercise days per week minimum and hoped for the best.

I ended up losing and gaining the same 2-3 lbs over and over depending on how much water I was retaining.  By August, I could no longer could hold onto 136 and stayed between 138-140.  I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, so I quit exercise in December only getting in a few runs that month and gained 3 more lbs.  I spent Christmas with my whole family at my mom's house feeling like a fat cow.  I was so frustrated because the Whole30 and BBG 1-2 punch was my last hope.  I had nothing else up my sleeve.  I gained about 3 lbs that year.  I didn't think it could get worse and then it did.

To Be Continued....