Part II: The Battle for Thin

2005-I bought a tiny condo, lived alone, and started dating for the first time ever in my life.  I got lazy and stopped doing exercise videos as often.  I dipped briefly down to 110 again at one point.   I quit my full time and much hated job with nothing else lined up because I just couldn't take it anymore.  I had reached a breaking point.  They offered me a part time position where I got to work on my own terms which allowed me to model more.  I got 3 agents and gave it my best shot.  It was mostly commercial print as I was not ever tall enough for high fashion.  I loved being the smallest one on set and always knowing that I would fit into any clothes that were provided.  I distinctly remember a beach photo shoot that I did with one other model.  The other girl didn't bring very many clothes and the photographer asked her if I had any thing she could borrow.  Before I even finished pulling out my tiny shorts she was shaking her head saying no way will I fit into her clothes.  I didn't even realize how small I was.  I quit taking anti depressants because I didn't  have health insurance anymore and went through major withdrawal symptoms that felt like vertigo.  Money was extremely tight and I was on my own.  I had no one to fall back on and life seems so hard and painful.  I had suicidal thoughts and felt that death would be better then facing my failing dreams and life of poverty.  Around summertime it became a struggle to maintain my low numbers.  I subsisted on diet soda, fruit and snacks to try to fight the weight gain.  This is an example of an entire day of food: Coffee, 100 Cal Snack Pack, Bran Flakes w/FF Milk-2 cups, FF Yogurt, Sting Cheese, 2 Pickles and twizzlers.  I did exercise videos at home again, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to actually go to the gym.  Part of it is that I simply didn't have the energy for it.  From my journal May 2005 at 119.5 lbs:   I didn't eat anything all day yesterday in preparation for my big sis's B day dinner at Red Lobster. For all the good it did me because I was up .5 from the day before. It is my own fault!!! I ate chix breast, rice, mashed potatoes, garlic biscuits, Caesar salad. Then to top it off mocha chocolate cake. There is no excuse for that!! NONE! It has to stop.  In May I was fighting for 117.5 but by the end of the year my weight crept up 121.

2006: I didn't know what was happening then, but I suspect that my metabolism totally bottomed out in January 2006.  The next thing I knew I was barely hanging onto 118 lbs again then it jumped to 122 by April and the scale would not budge. I literally ate only salad for about 30 days and it stayed exactly the same. It was awful! I was still working part time but I was always exhausted and I only pooped once a week sometimes.  I hated myself because I even failed at being an anorexic.  I had no choice but to start eating more and started with chicken breast and veggies for dinners.  I did muscle toning exercise videos to try to regain all of the muscle tone I'd lost. I started to feel less confident at model castings because I felt HUGE!! I'd always kept track of food and weight but it wasn't until this year that I actually started counting calories.  I mostly maintained between 122-124.5 but my high weight that year was 125.  My little size 0's and 1's were a thing of the past and I felt huge.  As my clothes got snug I bought skirts because I could still buy a size Small and couldn't bear buying bigger sizes.  I felt so fat that I hated the feeling of fabric pressed against my legs and at least I knew that skirts wouldn't get too small.  I was still pretty depressed and I isolated myself alone at home much of the time.  From my journal in August:   My body is tired of this; I can feel it. I have no energy. I am forever tired. I am constantly hungry and thinking about food. I am totally irregular....I simply cannot accept this and so far have refused to give up completely even though it seems as though I am fighting a loosing battle. I need to fight my ever slowing metabolism with excessive but I simply lack the energy and the motivation to do so. I come home from only a 5 hour work day and all I want to do is go to bed and try to ignore the incessant rumbling in my belly.

2007: At 126 I freaked out.  I tried so hard, but I couldn't make myself small the way I used to be.  From my journal January: I don't work out hard daily and the regularity of my cardio and visits to the gym has gone down some, but my calorie intake is still fairly low.  It might be too low, but I suppose I err on the side of caution when it comes to food and weight.  I look at my body and I am totally and completely disgusted.  I don't know how I can continue to exist inside these fat thighs and large butt.  My breasts are huge and I hate it.  If I don't eat I will slow down my metabolism and if I do eat I will gain.  I would not allow myself to give up because I felt dreadful.  This is the year I had to go back to work full time and had to mostly give up on modeling.  This made me so sad because it was so much fun.  It was cool to have friends tell me that they'd spotted a picture of me at the airport or in a catalog.  It made me feel special to be able to say I was a model.  There wasn't much I was proud of and I didn't want to give it up.  I got a lot of gigs and the  money I earned from it supplemented my income, but never had my big break.  My new salary was much lower then my old job.  I was making less working full time then I did working part time at my old job.  It was basically clerical work.  I felt like a loser, and money was tighter then ever.  I started going to the gym again.  I finally got my body under control and into the 116-117 range at times, but ended up around 118-119 by year end.

There are some gaps in weight documentation from 2007-2009.  I had stopped journaling as much about it.  I think I gave up and stopped focusing on the number so much.  For a while, I felt I had no choice because I couldn't lose weight anymore.

2008: The weight crept up again.  By the time I met my now hubby in March I was already up to about 121 or so.  You know how it is when you are dating right?  Lot's of eating out and the distraction of falling in love makes you not care as much about what you are putting into your mouth. I was definitely restrictive, because I didn't know any other way to be, but not obsessively so.  My husband basically changed my life.  I was no longer the sad and miserable girl I used to be.  That heavy feeling of hopelessness that had plagued me for as long as I can remember was finally gone.  We found out he was getting deployed, so we married secretly at the courthouse the day before Thanksgiving.  He left for an entire year right after Christmas.  It's so hard to be away from him but for the first time in a long time I was excited about life and the future.  I managed to stay between 119-124.

2009:  I totally quit going to the gym this year because my hours at work changed and I got off later.  Between May-July 2009 I hadn't dipped below 122, but by August I was 117.5 and that is where this blog begins.  Left to my own devices I was able to restrict to my hearts content.  118 became my new "panic" number. I'd meet up with friends and one of them would say, "Why is it that you are skinnier every time I see you?" I entered a national modeling contest online and made the Top 5.  This was a dream come true for me.  I actually felt like a real winner for a change...and I have to say it was a great feeling.  Modeling had been there, but mostly sporadic for the previous few years and I just felt like if I could do this one thing...then I would be ready to move on.  It was an awesome experience that I will never forget.  They flew us into town for a photo shoot and put us up in a hotel.  The stylist who works with high fashion models all the time says, "You are so tiny." Did I really ever believe it? NO!!  All the girls on the shoot fit into size 26 jeans. They want me to get a 25, for a better fit but I go with the 26's.  An average day of food was Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, Coffee, Wheat Thins, Grilled Chicken Breast with veggies, Cheese Square, Pecan Twirl and an Apple.  For the entire day.  By the time my husband came back in Nov I'd dipped down to 114; the lowest in years without even really trying too hard and with no exercise.  I really started to freak out the longer he was gone and the closer it got to him coming home.  I was so scared about all of the changes to come and my self hatred and feelings of worthlessness returned with a vengeance.  What if he realizes that I'm not good enough for him?  What if he doesn't love me anymore?  I was so emotional and all over the place I thought I might even need to go back to therapy again.  When he came back he noticed my weight loss but it wasn't a big deal.  Having him home made all the difference in the world.  My anxiety was washed away and even though there were so many changes coming up having him by my side made it easier for me to face.

2010: This was one of the best years of my life.  In addition to the man of my dreams I got two things that I never thought could be mine.  A house and a "real" wedding.   Things that I never imagined I would ever be able to afford.  Those are things that other people get to do but that I never believed I could have for myself.  I love our house and my wedding day was one of the best days of my life.  It was just perfect.  116 becomes my new "panic number" but I start loosing my grip even on 118 barely managing to maintain that number on my wedding day which was extremely upsetting.  Too many social gatherings and happy hours combined with too little willpower lead to too many mistakes.   I had little self control in food situations because I was constantly hungry. I was restricting, but my body would not respond.  I was barely hanging onto 116 before my October Honeymoon and when I came back I was up to 120 and had a tough time bringing it down!!! I felt like a fat pig and had a "holy crap moment" after which I decided to get serious.  In December I finally buckled down with food and started up at the gym after close to two years of not going at all and shot for 114.  800 calorie days were the norm.  I got a promotion towards the end of the year at work that made me feel a little bit better about myself.

2011:  I reached my weight loss goal of 114 in February.  I felt super anxious there so I  pushed for 112 to give myself a better buffer. I hit that magic number later that month on 800-1000 calories a day max and hitting the elliptical at the gym every single week for cardio.  My clothes were hanging off of me and I hadn't been that low since 2005.  In September I got my old clothes that were packed away at mom's house that had gotten too tight in 2006 from my skinnie minnie days of 2003-2004 and they fit!!  Breakfast was bread with jelly, lunch was things like fiber one cereal, granola bar, and carrots.  I couldn't even imagine eating an actual real lunch.  No one at work ever saw me eat unless it was a catered lunch.  If I had a dinner or happy hour I skipped it altogether.  Dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or sometimes just snacks like pretzels and a string cheese.  I tried to avoid food as much as possible during the day in case I had to eat later, but tried to avoid dinner with the husband at all costs.  I had a pretzel addiction because they helped keep my hunger at bay and wasn't "real" food.  I was afraid to drink too much water and my bowel movements were few and far between, but after years and years of dieting I believed that I had learned so much about what works and what doesn't.  I was no longer focused on getting as sick and thin as I could and just hoping to maintain in a comfortable range and find that restriction balance without starving.  My husband started to voice some concern over my weight and eating habits in October, but I was determined that it would not hurt my marriage.  Well, the up down cycle continued.  Around Christmas of that year is when I started having a hard time maintaining that magic number.  I got a little too relaxed and once again I was fighting to get back to 112 lbs.

To be continued....

The following portion of this post was written sometime in 2011 when I really thought I had found a nice balance between starvation and restriction and would be able to maintain in the mid-high teens.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I was wrong.  Things have changed, but I wanted to preserve my thoughts as they were at the time.

The best thing of all is that I'm happy which is something I never imagined I could be.  I still feel that I haven't amounted to much career wise, wish I made more money and worry a lot about retirement but that will likely never change.  Despite my shortcomings, I can honestly say I love life and that it actually is worth living.

My weight loss journey was very gradual and in the beginning it was more like an experiment or a curiosity then a goal.  It took me about 2 years to loose the first 20 lbs then I maintained there for about 6 years. Then I dipped into the 120's then teens and have maintained in the low 120's and mostly in the teens for the last 3 years.  Total weight loss=about 38 lbs. Sure doesn't sound like a lot! I absolutely believed that my body would never go lower then 130 until it did. Then, I thought 120's was simply not possible and it was. I really didn't believe that my body was physically capable of being at these numbers because it was so slow.  Then the teens! Now that blew me away. And that fact that I've been able to maintain here is even crazier.

Then and Now
When I look at old pictures I am disgusted by my size. My face looks round and my cheeks are chubby.  Even my hands look fat. At least to me. No one ever thought I was fat though.  Not even close. Everyone said I was "buff." That number on the scale was deceptive. I was 150 but of solid muscle and pretty evenly distributed. I've never been a pear or an apple shape.  Just mostly straight up and down solid.  I was probably a size 7 or sometimes 9 in juniors. I think I had one pair of 11's but they were always too big.  Hardly plus size.

38 pounds isn't a huge number but I know that it's a huge difference on my body because of reactions I got at my 10 year high school reunion.   When people were that shocked, commenting on how thin I was and asking me, "What happened?" that means something.  I think they thought I was ill.  Even dropping from 125-115 was major in the eyes of my co workers at my old job. They also thought I was sick. 118-120 is where I start to look pretty thin and where people started to get worried.  Now they are just used to me being this size but I think even 116 or so is where they start noticing it even more. My chest started to get that little bony ridge in it around 118 and 110 is scary skinny for me.  In pictures with my arms out they look like twigs.  My legs were always really muscular but even they have diminished in size. The thigh gap appeared around 130, the full knee to crotch thigh gap started around 125 and just got wider as I lost weight.  At 118-125 lbs I can only get my legs together knees up by tucking my butt under and squeezing real hard. At 116-118 no matter how hard I try I cannot squeeze my legs together and get my legs between my knees and my crotch to touch.  I am a solid 2 or below in size depending on the store and a definite 0 when I weigh in the mid teens.  The jeans in my closet are mostly 26 (I'm not into skin tight jeans) but they aren't the best fit and 25's look really hot on me.  In reality I know that 125 lbs actually looks really good on me.  I still look slim at that weight.  It's not good enough though.  I have this unexplained desire to be underweight and ultra thin.

So, that's how I got from there to here. Years of obsession and disordered eating. You won't ever get me to believe that I actually have an eating disorder though-because I don't.  It's my life now I guess. I think I have accepted that all the while hoping that some day I won't care anymore. Maybe someday I will stop fighting my body and just let it be what it will be. Right now I just like being skinny way too much. I need it and I can't give up that control and the sense of worth it gives me.  I kind of had to give up when my metabolism crashed in 2006.  I had two choices:  Starve and not lose a single pound and barely maintain OR eat and gain.  There are times when I sort of feel like I don't care about my weight but that's only because my weight is in a range that I am comfortable with.  Once I get out of range my anxiety level is huge and it is clear that I care a whole hell of a lot. Sometimes I wish that I had managed to get ill enough to be hospitalized or so scary skeletal skinny that people totally freaked out. I used to feel that I failed even at having an ED. On the other hand I'm glad that I have never had to go through that. I need to be well enough to go to work and pay bills. I don't want to die. I don't want my health at risk. I just want to be skinny. I have a "managed ED" if ever there was one.  I've found some sort of balance where I can hold onto my eating disordered ways without totally crossing the line.  I restrict, but I also try to be as healthy as possible. I have expanded my food options to include "real" food so I get some nutritional value out of what I'm eating even though I know it's still not quite enough. Sometimes I want to really push myself harder then ever but it's unrealistic and I know it will come to no good end. The bottom line is one needs food to live.  Like it or not this is a lifestyle for me.  I get weak and lazy.  I screw up, but it always comes back to this.  It doesn't really feel like a choice. Being fat is simply not an option.

I did somehow manage to beat my depression and that was huge for me.  I'd always felt my happiness level was set a few notches lower then everyone else's even as a child and it got progressively worse and exploded in 2003.  I've gone from someone who wished she could just die and was mad at herself for not having the guts to commit suicide to someone with a zest for life that I never had before.  I will always be somewhat dissatisfied with my accomplishments.  I will always look on at the lives of others who lead a life that I wish for myself with envy but it doesn't burn me up inside like it used to.  It took a while but I've made my peace with not having that much success in modeling and acting.  I don't have much of a career, nothing I do will ever seem good enough and I will probably always be hard on myself.  Even so, it is a huge improvement over wishing for death.  I am happy and I have my amazing husband to thank for that.  I know that your own happiness should never depend on any one person but I truly believe that without my husband I would be the sad miserable person I was before.  I could  never shake the full sadness and depression before I met him but after having him in my life I've found happiness that I have never experienced before.  He literally saved me from myself and it honestly scares me to think of where I'd be without him.  So, I don't.  I'm just glad he's here now and I want to live as long and healthy and happy as I can with him by my side.  Nothing else matters.