I always felt "big" and "fat" even as a child. I'd pig out and have 4 pieces of pizza or 4 pieces of french toast, hate myself for it and plan to start a diet on Monday. Most of the time I never did, but I got away with it and I wasn't fat even though I thought I was. At age 12 I was 5'2" and 105 pounds and then shot up to 5'4" and 110-115 lbs. I was a gymnast. My body fat percentage was only 8% and I could do 7 pull ups but I still thought I was fat. I was actually a skinny little thing but, I was never able to see myself that way. I was always the "tall" girl in gymnastics which made me feel big even though I wasn't. At age 13 I shot up to 5'4" and remained 110-115 lbs. Then that number jumped to 116 lbs. Then, I grew another inch to 5'5" and 120 lbs. Looking back on those stats, that is relatively small, but I felt huge back then. My Sophomore year in high school is when I really started to put on some weight and bulk up. From age 14-15 I went from 122-140 lbs. This is around the time some my jeans were getting too tight and I started to restrict at times to the point of dizziness and nausea. I even fainted once at cheer practice. I'd try here and there to diet but it never lasted for long and I'd be eating a hamburger and fries within days. I loved food, and loved to eat. I didn't like the number on the scale but it didn't rule me. Yet. To this day, I am disgusted when I look at old pictures and see my broad shoulders and fat cheeks. By age 16 I was 147 lbs. I finally took action and went on a diet over the summer before my Junior year and lost 14 lbs only to gain it back. Oddly enough, even at this size I still wasn't viewed as fat. I was very physically active and super muscular. I think my cheeks were noticeably rounded but that's about it.
In college I was very physically active going to the gym and doing gymnastics work outs, but my eating habits were terrible. I ordered pizza all the time with my roommate and ate cup o noodles when I wasn't eating the two cheeseburger meal at McDonald's supersized. I ordered covered in butter grilled cheese and ham sandwiches from the on campus deli. They were so good, I couldn't resist. I went out drinking with my friends. My Saturday morning pancakes with a big glass of milk were very much anticipated and when I had a PBJ I often ate 2 at a time. I wanted to make better choices but I never had the willpower to do it. I didn't start losing weight again until my Sophomore year in College.
The process of going from 150-teens was extremely slow. The first part of it I wasn't even necessarily trying to get to the teens. I didn't have a goal. I just felt big, and knew I wanted to lose weight.
1997-1998: I continued my weight loss efforts getting a little more restrictive as I went along. I was very restrictive through the week and then allowed myself hearty meals only on weekends. I still hadn't really lost much weight even though I wrote in my journal that I was hungry all the time and really trying to limit my eating. I was around 133 lbs in February 1997 and when I went shopping I was able to get into a few 5's. By August I was down to about 130 lbs and I really didn't think my body could get any lower. It was just so hard for my body to drop weight. My boyfriend was deployed for 6 months during this time period and when he came back in 1998 he said I'd gotten skinny. I got more comments about being so slim and so thin again which was really strange to me because I could never tell that I looked any different. I'd lost about 20 lbs over the course of about 2 years and I maintained in the 130's for about the next 6 years. I was about a size 4-6.
1999-2001: In 1999 I started work at a company that I would stay at for the next 7 1/2 years and grow to hate. I've never known what I want to "be" when I grow up so I was just happy to have a job. The pay got so good over the next couple years making it very difficult to leave because I had no other idea of what else I could do and no one would be able to match my salary. In 2000 I get "bit" by the modeling and acting bug. I took a class at Barbizon and felt embarrassed when we did a weigh in and I was in the 130's (in full clothes). Everyone always thought I weighed less then I did. I paid a crap load of money to go to NYC for a modeling/acting contest and did quite well fueling my desire to get into the industry. In 2001 I was supposed to have a lead role in an independent film and when it fell through I became really depressed and felt I had nothing to live for. My relationship was toxic and dysfunctional. We got engaged in 1998 with no plans for a wedding to speak of. We argued all the time and barely got along. I hated my job so much and this film was the only way out that I could see. I hung my hope for happiness, success and escape from my current dreary life on that film and when it fell apart, I sank into major depression. I was STILL in the 130's.
2002-I got married in September which turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We were totally dysfunctional and wrong for each other. How could I not realize that we should have never gotten married? I continued to diet and tried to watch what I ate but losing weight was so hard for me and I was actually sort of OK in the 130's for a long time. I finally got tired of being in the 130's and decided I wanted to go for 125 but my body was stubborn.
2003-This is the year I got super drastic and obsessive about my diet and weight. I started severely restricting and exercising almost every day. I started out the year at 128-129 and was excited to finally have broken into the 120's. By February 2003 I had reached my goal and I was 125 lbs but at 124 lbs I'd already decided I wanted to be 120. By September I was 121 lbs and going into ED chat rooms and reading online ED journals. I got to 120 lbs then I decided I wanted to be 115. In October I was 118, then 116 with a yearning to be 114. In December I got down to 114.5 but of course by this time I wanted 110. I was fitting into 0's and 2's and I loved it. I started going to therapy alone to deal with my depression and my obsession with weight and with my husband for couples counseling to deal with our crappy marriage. I mostly did exercise videos for exercise. I still didn't count calories and my idea of dieting was to stay away from "real" food and going as long as possible without a "meal" so I ate a lot of fat free and reduced fat junk food to stave off the hunger. I didn't count calories so sometimes I'd eat cheese and crackers for dinner which is actually high calorie because of the cheese but I didn't have any awareness of that. I was also a candy addict. I didn't eat "real" food at home or alone. Only if I went out to eat and of course never alone. I'm totally exhausted and feel terrible much of the time. I started trying to pursue acting and modeling even more. I lost about 13.5 lbs in one year.
2004- I started taking anti depressants and continued therapy. The anti depressants did help my mood and I remember that I finally stopped crying all the time. I was diagnosed as EDNOS then anorexic when my period stopped briefly yet I still didn't think I was thin or had an ED because I wasn't "sick enough." I was always worn out and had no energy. I'd do exercise videos almost daily no matter how tired I was. For the most part, I still didn't really believe I had an ED. My depression got worse. My job was hell. I really hated myself, my life, and every crappy apartment we ever lived in. There was no joy in my marriage and some days I wished I'd never wake up. I consulted with a model management company who took me on and I am told, "My goodness you are thin, don't lose anymore weight." I hit my all time low of 110 in June, but it was all but impossible to maintain considering I really started feeling like crap around 114 lbs. At my high school reunion weighing 116 lbs people literally asked me "what happened to you" and were shocked because I was so thin. They thought I was sick. My marriage was already crumbling after only 2 years, which was no surprise. He said I needed to gain weight or it's over. He could see that diet and exercise was taking over my life and seeing me go from big to tiny over the years freaked him out. He was my first boyfriend at 18 and we married each other before we knew who we were. We'd been together since 1995 and married since 2002 but it got to a point where it didn't matter how long we'd been together. We were miserable. What's the point of fighting and bickering all the time? We were so different and although there were good times those became fewer and far between. Sometimes we'd go days without speaking after he got mad about something and we were both really unhappy. He finally got the guts to ask for a divorce and we separated. I went onto a totally new phase in my life.
To Be Continued........
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