I think I finally figured out what happens when my husband comes home. I'm usually so so excited to see him. Like super duper excited. Then when I finally do, it's a let down. Not because he isn't the same sexy man he was the last time I saw him, but because his reaction to me is lukewarm at best. Here I am all giddy with excitement and I missed you and I'm so glad you're home and he's just like eh, hi, whatever. He got in the car, leaned in for a really good smooch which I happily obliged and then after that it was business as usual. He was back to his emotionless distant robotic self and I was left wondering if my own husband is even glad to see me at all. My feelings were hurt, so I became cool towards him. When he fell asleep on the couch I just went straight up to bed without even attempting to get him to come. When he asked me if I wanted to come to happy hour on Tuesday, all I could think was why would you invite me to happy hour when you don't even like me? We had to have another talk because time is precious and I didn't want to spent it sulking and being cold. Again, with the why do you act like you don't even like me? Why do you act like you don't care? I pointed out how little interest he expresses in me. How hurtful it was that I didn't sleep for two months and he never ever not once asked how I was doing. How when I told him I had to get off face time to go to my doctor appointment he never asked what for. He tried to say he did, but I noticed and it hurt my feeling that he never did. I was making a point of not mentioning any details of almost anything to him just to see if he would ask. He usually didn't. I told him I would try not to be so insecure in our relationship if he could be more responsive and interested towards me.
A few days before he got home I found some old e mails from back during the first three months of our relationship. There were a ton! We emailed each other back and forth multiple times during the day. I remembered that we used to email all the time but I forgot just how deep and romantic they were until I found them again. He actually used to express his feelings. My heart soared reading his words. I can't wait to see you. I miss you. You make me so happy. You are the only woman for me. I had so much fun with you. He doesn't say those things anymore. When I texted to him that I really needed to see those emails right now, he was quick to ask why. I replied that it reminded me of how in love we were and seeing how much he used to really really like me gives me hope that he still does. The fact that I don't hear those kinds of things now tells me one of three things. 1. He never really felt that way at all and he was just telling me what I wanted to hear 2. He no longer feels that way. 3. He has simply shuttered his emotions and changed. Hey, I get it. New relationships are bright and passionate. Those feelings are bound to fade over time, but it's like a totally different person wrote those emails, especially since he actually has no recollection of exchanging emails like that at all. He doesn't remember writing any of it, and while I was super excited to find that I had saved them all and voraciously read them, I read a few to him, and he really wasn't all that interested.
Finding out that he lost his wedding band the week before he was due to come home didn't help matters. You don't take jewelry off and set it down on any surface at the gym. If you must take it off you tuck it away in a bag, and that is what he used to do until he got careless. He said, that he's proud of himself for making it as long as he did with the ring and I could only hope he doesn't feel the same about our marriage.
We had our little chat on Christmas Eve. It was awkward and sucky, and I hate it that I feel like a crazy wife harassing her husband for more more more, but after that we moved forward and the rest of his visit has been great. He's been initiating kisses and reaching out to give me hugs or cuddle, without me having to make the first move. He asks me about my day. He's asked me if I slept okay. He expresses interest when I say things. I honestly feel like it takes him a while to warm up to me. It's like he forgets how to show affection or be a human being or something. It's like I have to grow on him and remind him that he likes me. I don't know why that would be the case considering we've been together for 8 years...unless that is the reason because we're one year past the 7 year itch. I am so deeply madly in love with him. Normally, I shower him with enough love and affection that it thaws him out a bit and he eventually reciprocates, but the last two times, we've had to have a "chat." My husband doesn't do things he doesn't want to do, so even though I question it sometimes, I do believe that he loves me and wants to be with me. I just think he is not inclined to express it...or verbalize it. He doesn't get that I need to hear those things every now and then even if he is uncomfortable with saying it. When I say I miss you, or that I'm excited to see you I really do need for him to say it back.
So one of the things I decided I'm not going to do anymore is be a total nag about how messy he is. For a while I thought he mostly was neat, partly because he's not a total slob and he himself claims he isn't messy. However, no matter what he claims to be, he is messy. He is not neat and he never will be. I need to accept that he likely will not change. I'm not going to let him be a total slob because bottom line, we both live there and we need to respect each others space which means he needs to put his things away at some point and clean up after himself. That is a reasonable expectation, but he's not going to do it in the time frame or the same way that I would. If he doesn't after a while I will ask nicely, but I will not let it agitate me and I will be letting other things go. When he left the dishes in the sink I did them. When he left the stove a grease covered mess from making bacon every morning, I cleaned it. He was aware that I did it because I said the stove is filthy and cleaned it. I didn't point it out, but he has to know it was from his bacon. When he leaves a mess on the counter, I wipe it. When he doesn't replace the toilet paper roll, I'll do it. When he leaves papers and random things scattered about the house in random places, I'll let it be. He's not trying to make me mad, he simply doesn't see these things or care about these things. I do. So, if it bothers me that much I'll just take care of it or learn to ignore it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I need to accept that it is his weakness and my strength, and suck it up without too much complaint. I think in the end, it will come back to me and our relationship in a positive way. I also need to take more initiative in the kitchen even though he's the "cook" and I clean. This means no keeping score or drawing lines about who does what. Before he came home I stocked the fridge with things he would like so he wouldn't have to run to the grocery store. I made chicken and turkey so there would be something to eat even if it is the same old usual boring healthy foods I know how to make, and even if he only ate some of the chicken the night he came home. He wouldn't eat the turkey even once. He just didn't want it, but I think he appreciated the effort I made to try to take care of his needs in the kitchen even though it is my weakness.
I just need to try to be a good wife. Be there. Be kind. Be giving. Be selfless. That's not only the kind of wife I want to be it's the kind of person I want to be.
I just need to try to be a good wife. Be there. Be kind. Be giving. Be selfless. That's not only the kind of wife I want to be it's the kind of person I want to be.
Christmas was great. He got me Chanel No 5 cologne, two under armor long sleeve workout tops, Philips Sonicare Diamond clean toothbrush, a cashmere sweater that fits perfectly, and some warm soft socks. I got him a beanie to wear under his biking helmet in the cold, his favorite team socks, a long sleeved warm button up top, $100 gift card to Nordstrom Rack (since he's recently discovered Seven jeans) and a Qualo wedding band to replace the one he lost. It's silicon so it can be worn in the gym, and it's cheap. I guess we'll figure out what to do about his lost ring (if anything) when he comes home for good in 2018. He definitely spent more money on me than I him, but I think everything I got him was very thoughtful. The only thing he could think of that he wanted was a gun, and I wasn't gonna pick that out.
We have had so much fun over the last 12 days. We went to the movies, hiked, cooked, and hung out with friends. We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant for Christmas Dinner. Our bill was $200 buckaroos and I paid, but didn't mind so much because the food was so good. We spent NYE plus one extra night on a mini getaway downtown.He paid for our hotel and NYE party, and I paid for food while we were there. We drank in our hotel room, went downstairs and rang in the New Year on the dance floor until 2:00 am with a bunch of other hot sweaty people. We went back to our room and had passionate drunken sex, and then had sex again the next night. Two nights in a row! We went to a local bar for take out and then ate dinner in bed.
It's been so good having him home and having him around. It's going to be so hard to say good-bye, especially when I have no idea when I'll see him next.
We have had so much fun over the last 12 days. We went to the movies, hiked, cooked, and hung out with friends. We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant for Christmas Dinner. Our bill was $200 buckaroos and I paid, but didn't mind so much because the food was so good. We spent NYE plus one extra night on a mini getaway downtown.He paid for our hotel and NYE party, and I paid for food while we were there. We drank in our hotel room, went downstairs and rang in the New Year on the dance floor until 2:00 am with a bunch of other hot sweaty people. We went back to our room and had passionate drunken sex, and then had sex again the next night. Two nights in a row! We went to a local bar for take out and then ate dinner in bed.
It's been so good having him home and having him around. It's going to be so hard to say good-bye, especially when I have no idea when I'll see him next.
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