Last Minute Trip

So I went to Germany.  The price was not reasonable in any way, and even he said it was too much, but I needed to go so that's what I did.  He left it up to me to decide.  It cost $1800 bucks, and I was a little bit of a wreck leading up to it, had to work while I was there, and came back to an insane amount of work but it was so worth it.  I needed to fix this.  It was that simple.  It was a lot of money, but when I thought about not going and the hole that might leave in our relationship I knew that if there was any way on earth to be there, I had to do it.  I left on Friday November 18th and came back on Monday November 28th.  It was an eleven day trip including travel and we packed in a lot.  He planned everything out.  There were only two days I was there that didn't involve some travel.  The first full day and the last full day. There were some initial bumps, but as soon as I booked the ticket I knew it was the right choice.

When he picked me up at the airport it was this is my husband and he is so cute and I am so happy to see him.  Everything was wonderful that first day.  I fell asleep on him while he watched a movie.  I was so tired, and it felt so good to snuggle.  We spent the first day at his place and the next day we traveled to Munich for the night.  We spent the night in this amazing five star hotel.  It was so nice.  I initiated sex (with a sexy little nighty) and I literally cried afterwards, because it was such a relief to connect with him that way. When he asked why the tears, I said it was because I felt like he didn't love me any more. He said he does, and that was that.  We went to bed.  I slept horribly, but rallied, and we spent a long but really great day touring castles the next day.  It was so much fun.

Things were good, but the day after we got back from Munich things felt a little off.  Again.  I was still concerned by how little we communicated in September and October. We only Face Timed one time over four weeks after we got back from Hawaii.  Then, I called him for that "big" awful conversation early November when I found out he was upset about me not coming for Thanksgiving. I called him because what we were talking about needed to be said not texted. We did Face Time that Friday, and talked that night so I could get the right ticket booked.  Leading up to the trip it was trip related texts.  At least we were texting, but I still felt a huge disconnect.  Now that I was finally with him, the disconnect remained.  I felt like he didn't want me there.  He didn't say I love you that morning when he kissed me before leaving for work like he used to.  It was just see you later.  When he came home from work that day there was no affection.  He asked, "Did you even leave the house today?"  The answer was no, because I had to work all day. It was the only way that I was able to make the trip work.  He was annoyed by this.  He got annoyed that I used up all the "good" toilet paper and then lamented over having to share dinner because now he couldn't take the other half for lunch.  When I said, I felt like I hadn't slept at all he just said "B.S. I saw you sleeping."  It was still getting on my nerves big time that his wife didn't sleep for two months, and not once did he ever ask me if I was okay or if it was getting better.  Not only that, but he acts like I'm making it up.  Between Insomnia and jet lag, my sleep was still jacked, but I get no sympathy whatsoever from him.  It's like he doesn't care about my well being at all.  That night I sat next to him on the couch, and not once did he try to touch me, so I didn't make a move to get close to him either. I'd say something to make typical conversation and he'd not really respond or interact with me, so I stopped trying and then conversation happened if he initiated it.  I engaged him, but it was never the other way around.  There just seemed to be an underlying layer of tension.  

The next day I only worked half the day.  I made sure to leave the apartment and I was gone before he came home from work.  When it got close to the time when I thought we were leaving for Rome I texted him to ask and he replied the time, but didn't even let me know he was at home.  I came in and was surprised he didn't tell me he was already there.  He packed, and I got some last minute things together and then we walked to the train station.  On the train he says, "Do you want to sit down?" So I went over and took an available seat, but he remained standing even though there was room for him to sit. I was almost in tears on the train ride to the airport.  I barely said a word, he didn't either.  We were just two people traveling but not really interacting.  When we got in line for our boarding passes he asked, "What's wrong? Why do you look so mournful?"  I said I'd tell him once we got out of line. He asked again, but we were going through security and so I'd tell him once we made it to our gate and got settled.

I told him I felt like a house guest he wished he never invited and I felt like he didn't even want me to be there.  He asked what he did to make me feel that way, and I wasn't really prepared to articulate everything so I wasn't able to say just then.  I was wiping away tears on the plane ride from Stuttgart to Brussels where we had our layover.  Our flights had gotten cancelled and when he re-booked we weren't able to get seats together so he was behind me and couldn't tell how upset I still was.  I had gathered my thoughts by the next day, so while we were waiting for the bus that morning I told him that he doesn't touch me, kiss me or say I love you and that I noticed it even in Hawaii. It seems like he is annoyed by me and so emotionally vacant.  It's like nobody is home.  He barely speaks to me and it's making me feel like he isn't even happy to see me.  Why won't he kiss me?  I need to hear him say I love you, before I say it sometimes.  It was never an issue before.  Does he think I am one of his employees?  Has he been gone and surrounded by testosterone for so long he forgets that I'm his wife and I need affection now and then? What is it?  He confirmed that he does want me there, and he didn't mean to make me feel that way.  After that things were 100% better.    

We spent three nights in Rome.  Our apartment was drop dead gorgeous and amazing.  It was like a fairy tale getting to stay in such a beautiful place.  We had an amazing time exploring the City and eating decadently.  We had an in-home private cooking lesson on Thanksgiving day and ate a traditional four course Italian meal with wine and bread for dinner.  It was perfection.  I initiated sex again on our last night there.  I wanted him to know I was making an effort, never mind that I ended up with a horrible yeast infection because my vagina is so temperamental. That last day we ran errands and walked to the Christmas Market with one of his co-workers who also lives in the same apartment building. I couldn't believe it was my last night, and despite the little bumps I had a great time.  I think we really needed this trip.  I did something I've never done before.  I sat back and let my husband pay for everything.  They don't take credit cards hardly anywhere in Germany and I hadn't made it to the ATM for euros yet.  When I finally did I took out 50 and blew through it pretty quick.  I paid with my credit card at a restaurant in Rome, and when I said I need to get more money he said, "Money?  Why do you need money?" and I just let it be.  He covered all tickets and hotel accommodations. He's kind of rolling in dough right now working abroad, so I need to just not feel guilty about it for once and go with it.  He even gave me $900 bucks towards my ticket.

We didn't talk my first weekend back home, nor has he ever asked how my sleeping was or even how my first week back went.  It was pretty hellish.  I came back to a shit storm of work as expected and had to work overtime just to finish it up.  I even got the holiday party (which is during the workday) cancelled because I didn't have time to go.  It wasn't anything fancy to begin with, but they ended up ordering the food in from the restaurant instead of having everyone go. The oddest thing is that I wasn't tired.  I think I was so wired, and anxious about all the work I had to get done in such a short amount of time that I was just up and ready to go despite waking up at 3 am every single morning. That's the new Insomnia thing now in the 2 1/2 weeks since I've been back and this is with sleeping pills because I can't deal with not sleeping right now.  I fall asleep okay, and I am getting into a real sleep, but I wake up during the 3 o clock hour for no good reason and don't really go back to sleep.

On Sunday when it became apparent that he was not going to call, even though I mentioned last weekend that hopefully we could talk,  I texted him that I feel like he never wants to talk or Face Time anymore.  He called, and it was so good to "see" him and talk.  Then we were texting up a storm afterwards and I felt more connected to him than I had since the month of September before Hawaii, and the awful month after it.

For two months I knew something was wrong and it was just horrible wondering if my marriage was in trouble.  Probably the hardest two months ever emotionally in the 8 years we've been together.  We are normally so in sync that when things feel "off" it really rattles me, especially since we're long distance right now.  I was feeling so insecure in the relationship that it colored the way I perceived and felt about every little thing to the point where I was an emotional wreck crying every night listening to "Heal" by Tom O'Dell on repeat.  It's not the first time I've accused him of being emotionally vacant, lacking in empathy, or cold.  I think that those things don't always come so natural to him, and it's also why I didn't think he would care that much if I didn't come for Thanksgiving or that I sometimes question if he cares about me at all.  It's probably something I'll have to remind him of, just as there are things that he will need to remind me of.  This communication thing is for real, and it's all good if you aren't doing it as long as everything is running smoothly, but when feelings get hurt or there is a disconnect it has to be done sooner rather than later, even when it feels awkward or you are afraid of what you might find out.  A healthy relationship depends on it.

He will be here on Sunday for a month and I can't wait to have him home again.

By the way, between the week before, the trip itself, and the week I returned that was three weeks where walking was my only exercise.  I ate all the carbs, and you know what happened?  Nothing.  I came back exactly one pound up from when I left, but it was gone and then some within days.