Life Update

Well, hello there.  It's been a while.   How about an update.

Home and Work
The husband is back.  He came home last week.  The first day is always a little strange as we re connect.  There is this big build up and after all this missing him, waiting and wishing him home he finally is.  There is this weird gap between expectation and reality for a few days.  The few days after he gets back is usually much better because there is always this weird transition period of getting used to having him around again.  I'm glad he's back.  I was ordering things online like crazy and it was easy because he wasn't around to judge and that needs to stop.

Work has slowed down significantly.  The busy time is over thank god and we are staring summer in the face.  I have two vacation days off next week Thursday and Friday.  We are all just tired so even though I like to hang onto vacation days for dear life I'm kinda glad I'll be taking them.  It might be really mean to say this but it's been nice not having E at work.  She comes back from maternity in two weeks.  She definitely is a hard worker so it's nice having extra hands but when she's here I mentally check out on a lot of things because hers is the only opinion that matters.  When decisions need to be made that could go either way it's always going to be what she thinks is best and she is really quick to state her opinion.  She's always so worried about what doesn't make sense and breaking the rules to the point where she over thinks everything to death and sometimes I don't even know what she is talking about.  She's on an e mail in 2 minutes saying what she thinks so there is no point for me to chime in.  I also don't want to because 9/10 I'm going to be "wrong."  I'm constantly second guessing myself  and having to ask her what to do since I already know I have no say in the matter.  M feels the same way.  We've chatted about it.  We've both stepped up at work since she's been gone and it's been nice to feel like valuable members.  That will probably end when she comes back.  She's technically my supervisor.  Of what?  Like 2 people.  It's weird how they do it at work.  She's only like 2 years younger then me so it's kind of annoying but oh well.

In-Law family comes into town tonight.  There will be two 3 year old boys (oh my!!) and two ladies staying with us for about 10 days.  The introvert in me is screaming inside.  How will get my "me" time?  When will I have a moment to decompress?  The control freak is worrying about what havoc will those little boys wreak on my house.  I am not taking any extra days off except Thursday and Friday next week when we will be staying by the beach so I have a feeling I will be exhausted.  What else is new though?  I am still constantly exhausted anyways.  I get to work tired.  I've been taking a crap load of vitamins.  You'd think they'd help.

I'm still trying to finish my novel.  I didn't work on it nearly as much as I should have while hubby was gone.  I am very unproductive with my time.  I'm very close to the end and I should have some time to work on it at work which is ideal.  Being tired all the time makes it difficult but I am OVER it.  I just want to be able to say I'm done.  

Health
I had a cyst removed from my lower lip caused by a blocked salivary gland about 2 weeks ago.  They dug out the gland, removed the cyst and left me with 4 stitches.  My lower lip was super swollen and the numbness is just now starting to go away.  It was pretty miserable.  One stitch was poking the hell out of me and my teeth kept catching on it when I talked or chewed.  It felt better when the stitches started dissolving after 7 days but there seems to be some stitches remaining that are hurting me again.  I have to be careful drinking, brushing my teeth, kissing my husband...anything that involves my mouth.

I haven't had sex with my husband since November.  Let's recap.  He came home in August 2013 and I was battling yeast infection that started around June/July but I didn't make it into the doctor until July.  I got an Rx and it helped but it never felt quite 100% because the minute that we had sex I'd start having symptoms again.  In September I e mailed my doctor and got more meds.  Didn't work.  I'd see some improvement but as soon as we had sex symptoms returned.  In November I went back to the doctor and she confirmed it was Yeast.  I tried the same Rx for six weeks this time and swore off sex because I couldn't deal with it anymore approaching our vacation and surgery.  I just wanted it to go away and stay away.  We didn't have sex on our Maui vacation in December and the medication didn't help at all.  I bought some hydro cortisone cream in January because I figured the creams or the pill wouldn't work and I just needed some relief.  The symptoms seemed to go away.  I had surgery in late January and got cleared for sex the 7 weeks later which was the day before he left for Germany.  I'm back to the doctor in April with more symptoms just a week before he comes back.  I got the same old diflucan one day pill from my primary doctor which I knew wouldn't work.  Third time was not a charm.  I started treating myself with boric acid until I could get back to the gynecologist.  This time the yeast is gone but I have BV.   I'm on my last day of antibiotics for that.  I'm feeling much better but still not 100% and I'm scared to have sex because I don't want to upset my vagina which apparently hates me.  The doctors can't seem to help me so I've been doing tons of research.  In addition to the antibiotics I've been loading up on certain vitamins, taking a probiotic orally and inserting it into my vagina.  I'm keeping up with the boric acid nightly.  I know it sounds awful but apparently it's safe as long as it's not ingested orally and when you are desperate to have a normal vagina you will try almost anything.  I ordered everything on the internet and made them myself like a mad scientist.  My poor sex deprived husband.  And poor me.  This has been awful and I just want my normal vagina back.  I got so depressed before he came home that I was thinking that he'd better just divorce me since we'd never be able to have a normal sex life.  This is a chronic problem for some people and it's looking like I am one of them.  I have 4 more treatment ideas that I haven't tried out yet.  I'm doing everything I can to restore my normal PH and flora.  If it doesn't get better I don't know what to do.   I don't want to have sex too soon but I also don't want to keep my husband waiting forever.  It's  been long enough.  It makes me appreciate sex more then I ever have now that I haven't been able to have it.         

Food and Weight
I'm still fat.  Kitty asked me what was the plan on my last post.  The only plan was to cut back on my protein because I was getting way too much for my weight and exercise levels.  I was constipated and it was just too odd that the number was nudging up so I figured I'd need to readjust that.  I met with a nutritionist and she said it would be okay but it's not.  I've been sticking with 25/60/15 (Fat/Carb/Protein). Cutting the protein has allowed me to see some lower numbers but they are still higher then I want.  Eating healthy is already a lifestyle for me and as such I pretty much eat whatever I wanna eat-in moderation and mainly sticking with healthier options.  I have a reasonable calorie budget now so it's usually in budget and macro nutrient goals.  I don't over eat.  I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full.  I kinda over did it on some pasta I ordered and I literally shot up 2 lbs overnight and I overdid it on some pizza months ago but those are the only 2 times I can think of that I feel like I ate too much this year. Both times it wasn't even that I couldn't stop.  I think I was just sort of testing the waters.  I don't know.

Sometimes I'll be under my calories and not really hungry but I'll eat more just to make it to 1,200 minimum.  My calorie budget is set at 1,600 but I rarely meet that.  I don't crave sweets or candy anymore.  Not that I never eat them but I don't crave them.  We went to a Farmers Market last weekend and I could only marvel at how different it was then the last time we went.  I didn't want a single sample because I had eaten and I wasn't hungry.  I remember the last time we went there I was starving,  attacked every sample like a vulture and even after we ate and I was reasonably filled up I wanted more.  My mind and body were used to being hungry so even if I actually wasn't I didn't know the difference.  I still weigh foods, count out serving sizes and track calories every day.   I am still wearing skirts because it makes me feel less large and because I am bigger so my designer jeans don't fit which is really sad.  At some point I'll need to buy more.  I moved most of them to the other closet.  I'm pretty sure buying some that fit would make me feel better but on the other hand it might make me feel worse that I had to take that step because I'm bigger.  I still feel gigantic but I'm so terrified of being in the boat I was in before that it really scared me straight I guess.  Even though I feel like a cow I'm terrified of screwing up my metabolism and being starving, eating nothing and still gaining weight.  That was the worst most out of control feeling ever.  It was devastating and although I want to be skinny again  I'm not ready to make a push to cut calories right now. 

I'm exercising again but I'm not being a fanatic about it at all.  My first Yoga work out had me super sore which told me I was out of shape since Yoga never makes me sore.  I'm not as strong as I was but I'm getting back there.  I've only done yoga and am planning to do 30 Day Shred level 1 at some point but there is no rush.  I still have my abs and I can still do my splits.  I'm over obsessing about exercise when it hardly ever did a thing for me before.

I finally got around to watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show last week even though it came on in December.  I just couldn't bring myself to watch those beautiful, rich, skinny girls in their underwear on TV when I was feeling so badly about my body.  The VS models are getting skinner every year.  I long to be skinny too but I'm just trying to deal with the body I have as best I can right now.