Water Retention Hell

I've been retaining water for most of this past week and it is HELL.  I hate it.  I have lost, gained and lost the same exact stupid pound over and over and haven't made any progress.  This sort of maintenance is still better then a gain though.  I've told myself that I'm not allowed to write in this blog unless I'm in the 118's and I am just barely at 118.6.   Not because I'm embarrassed to share my total failure with you all but just because I'm so pissed at myself.  I always round up to the 1/2 pound so it's actually 119 (yuck!!!) but for the purposes of being able to write in this  blog it counts.  I figured I better get a post in while I'm still "allowed" because who knows what tomorrow will bring.  It sucks to work your butt off at the gym, wake up starving and STILL have gained a pound.  I'm just so over it.  And yet, I persist.  I really wish I could just be fat and happy.  Body acceptance....what a concept.  I told myself that I would be skinny dammit by the time I saw my family at Thanksgiving again but I'm just not making much progress.

I made Mexican pizza on Flat outs on Tuesday.  It felt good to finally make something for my husband for a change.  Since then he's made chicken, chilli, and sliders.  I opt out of his dinners when I can.  Not only because it leaves me to eat whatever but because if I don't eat it that leaves more for him.  He cooked it so he might as well get to eat it.  I don't feel like I deserve to have any since he cooks so much more then I do.  Plus, that means he has food and I won't feel bad that I didn't cook anything.  I had a nice relaxing three day weekend.  I got my work outs in.  I didn't clean at all.  I didn't even do laundry.  Sometimes I just feel sooo lazy.  Some of the shows I normally watch have dried up leaving my DVR mostly empty but this is a good thing.  I really need to occupy myself with something other then TV even if it's just sitting there with my husband.  I managed to write about 7 pages of  my novel over the past week or so which is good.  Sometimes it takes everything to force myself to keep writing but I'm trying to keep going.  There was a veterans day 50% off offer at Banana Republic so I found two tops yesterday.  Normally I don't shop there because it's so expensive.  I found one button up and one sweater.  I spent $30 on each and that's WITH the 50% off.  What's up with the sizes?  I had to get an XS in the button up.  I stuck with a small for the sweater so that I could put shirts underneath.  I have never been an XS in a top ever.  I swear the sizes just keep getting smaller and smaller.

I haven't spoken to my mom since she told me I can't drive.  It's not just because of that.  I'm not really a "phone" person but I'm sure that were it not for that I would have made more of an effort.  She hasn't called me either but normally we don't go this long without speaking. We will speak again soon.  Thanksgiving is around the corner after all.  I haven't spoken to my older sister either but that weirdness has been going on for a while now.  It took us a little over a week to even talk after I got back from vacation and I haven't spoken to her since.  We seem to be drifting for some reason and I don't know why.  I have a major dislike for her husband and deep down I'm angry with her for settling for him because I know that she deserves way better.  I do my best to hide it but I wonder if that isn't somehow driving a wedge between us.  It's her life and I know that but sometimes it's upsetting.

I had the worst cramps in the middle of the night.  It was awful!  I haven't had cramps this bad in a long time.  I was just laying there squeezing my pillow tight in agony.  Hopefully now this water retention crap will chill out since I started today.  So far so good.  I've had to go to the bathroom bad twice already.  This week's challenge is dinner out Friday night for a friend's birthday.  I'm going to try so, so hard to be good.  I get so damn hungry sometimes that no matter what I tell myself before hand in the moment food becomes so hard to resist.  I'm such a food addict.  I literally went back and forth to my pantry on the down low yesterday grabbing a few tortilla chips each time to munch on.  I know part of why I'm doing it is because I'm hungry and am constantly trying to limit what I can have.  The other part is just that I freaking love food.  I wonder what is driving what?  Am I a food addict because I'm constantly restricting or an I restricting to fight my food addiction?  All I know is that it's an exhausting battle every single day to keep fighting it.  The battle of the bulge rages on.