119.0 [Day 3] Plateau From Hell

When I got off the elliptical yesterday my legs were mush.  I feel super wobbly my first steps off.  Im the locker room there was this skinny teenage girl changing back into these impossibly tiny jeans.  Her jutting elbows and long lanky stick legs made me jealous.  She could be naturally thin or she could be anorexic as skinny as she was.  I would like to be thin enough to make people wonder about me. 

I got home and I weighed at 119.5!!!  WTF!  After burning 500 cals I can't even be at my morning weight.  So, I knew I wasn't gonna loose a damn thing.  I'm already frustrated.  I didn't consider the possibility of doing everything right and still being fat.  That could very well happen because my body sucks but I'm determined not to give up.  It's been 3 days since my renewed determination.  I'm back on that 119 which I can't seem to break and it just kills me that in late Oct I was in the 115's.  KILLS ME that I'm having such a hard time breaking through when I was maintaining below 118 for so long and not that long ago.  I think that's part of my impatience.  "This isn't my real weight.  I'm not really this fat," I keep thinking in my head but then the scale says different.  It's so confusing because I really don't think my body has changed much.  I still have my thigh gap...but my boobs do feel heavy and look huge.  I'm such a heifer right now.

I'm not going to the gym today so I am determined to be super good.  NO CANDY CANES FROM THE TREE!!  Candy totally ruins my calorie counts.  When will I learn?  At work yesterday there was some holiday thingy.  I picked a little of each and I swear I attacked that plate like it was my last meal.  Well, it sort of was...for the day at least!  I got home late because of the gym and when hubby asked if I wanted anything I acted all put out and said, "No...it's too late to eat."  Which it really is but it is an awesome excuse to skip dinner.  I get to use it tonight since I have a hair appointment and won't get home until 7pm.  He waits until I come home to eat.  Whatever time that may be....which is sweet but not helpful for someone who is hoping to avoid eating.  He put beans and cheese on tortilla chips and sat right up in my grill and ate them.  Oh god....I could smell them.  I was starving and I did have one and then blocked it out.

We watched The Biggest Loser season finale.  Those people lost a crap load of weight.  The guys did way better then the girls.  Most of the guys are actually slim now.  You wouldn't even think they were chunky or big or anything.  But the girls.  Not so much.  They still have a long way to go.  They lost a lot of weight (the lowest being 60 something pounds) and look better but are still big girls.  Ada lost 90 something pounds and she looks good but she still weighs like 170 and I don't think she's that tall.  Sadly, some of them will never be skinny.  They work their tails off, loose all this weight and are essentially still fat.  One of the girls (well more then one) but one in particular has the worse form ever.  She's a pear and most of her weight sits around her hips and stomach.  Her shape is just so awful that there is probably nothing she can do about it.  And I'm complaining.

I had a BM this morning.  3rd day in a row.  I'm just going to stay strong.  I only have what I have to eat today and when I get home the plan is an apple and string cheese.  I am determined not to break.


Tuesday Eats: 1050

• PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Caramel Popcorn (180)
• Assorted Holiday H'ors Douvres (250)
• Apple (50), String Cheese (80), FF Candy (200)

Gym: Elliptical, 60 min/502 cals