- Breakfast: PBJ (355), Coffee (50)
- Snack: 2 Cookies (200), RF Cheese Its (150)
- Dinner: Cabbage & Rice w/Turkey Sausage (200)
- Snack: String Cheese (80), About 10 tortilla chips (95), Cookie (100)
When I exercise I expect results. Otherwise there is simply no reason to suffer through it. Like a good girl I did my exercise video when I got home from work yesterday. There was some extraneous snacking yesterday mostly due to those damn cookies we made over the weekend but I didn't think it was too excessive. This morning I weighed on the usual scale in our bathroom and it flashed 119.5! What the hell?? I went in the other bathroom and it said 119. Hubby was up and lurking around so I didn't have time to play the little games I normally do to make sure the scale in our bathroom is reading accurately. When I got home from work yesterday I was 118.5 and then I did my cardio video. I didn't drop .5 like I wanted to but I was already down .5 for the day so I could live with it. What caused me to gain a pound overnight? I did drink a cup of water before bedtime but still. I've gained weight from yesterday and I can accept that when I screwed up and deserve it but not when I did OK. Not when I took the effort to exercise. I'm just so over it. When I got dressed this morning I felt huge.
I find that for the most part I suck at everything. I'm mediocre at anything I have ever done. I have a mediocre job, no career. I am broke. I have no ambition. I am lazy. I don't have a lot of friends which is fine-but I've never been popular. My wardrobe is just so so. I'm no fashionista. I have an awesome hubby, I love my new house and I love my family. Thank god for that because in most areas of my life I suck. Even at loosing weight.
Being skinny is the only thing I have. Really. It's the only thing that makes me feel like I can do something right or can be better then others at. I've always had "good" hair, I like my straight white teeth and am considered pretty even if I don't always see it. Even so, if I didn't have skinny also then I'd feel even more worthless then I already do. My friend Eb just got her masters while working full time and is now being offered a teaching job. She works where I do but with her college credits and being here a year longer she makes more then me. She too just bought a great house and has good husband. She just got a great deal really cute sporty car that also happens to be the one above what I have and is always so stylish and fashionable. She is outgoing and has a lot of friends. People always like her. She has a bodacious derriere and big hips which is disproportionate to her small upper body but she pulls it off pretty well somehow. Guys always think she is HOT. I personally would hate it if I had her body shape but she works it. She has a lot going for her and it's pretty obvious that I pale in comparison. But I'm skinny and she's not. That's the only thing I have. For all the good it does me. I do some part time modeling but even my looks aren't good enough for me to make a modeling career out of.
No one might ever say how awesome a career I have or how bright and talented I am but they might say that I'm thin-and that's something at least. I think that's why even when I say I am or I really want to just give up I can't. I feel like I have no choice. I don't know if I can exist in a big body again. I need to be underweight just to feel OK. I don't have anything else. Which is kinda sad but that's just how it is for me. So as exhausting as it may be sometimes I continue counting calories, stepping on the scale repeatedly, monitoring my food intake and obsessing over my size.
I wasn't going to blog today because I'm so annoyed and irritated with my weight but I did anyways.
Sometimes just writing it down releases you from the grasp that gaining has on us. It's like...you've written it down, now you can move on. I find that when I blog about gaining...it allows me to start from a clean slate because that part is over...You can do it :)
ReplyDeleteI wish there were never people who looked better or had a better life than myself, but then who do we have to challenge ourselves to be better?! You sound like you have a pretty amazing life as it is. Sometimes some of us have to work ten times harder than everyone else to get there.
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