120.0 [Day 1] No Excuses

I blew it over the weekend.  I am so ashamed and embarrassed by what little willpower I have.  I had a blast at the party.  We ended up with more then the two drink tickets that we were allotted and I went for it.  I also went for the food.  Realistically, it wasn't a ton for the whole day but way more then someone who is trying to loose weight should ever be eating.  I had Margarita pizza hor douvres (3), Pasta, turkey, 2 thin slices of bread, and nibbled off of 5 bite sized desserts.  The wife of one of hubby's friends showed up and only had coffee and a cookie.  I felt like a real looser then.  Granted I was thinner and she said she ate a whole box of chocolates that day so therefore just couldn't spare any extra calories but still.  I want to be the smug superior one. 

I managed to get a spot at the Clinique counter for my make up.  I spent $50 bucks on cosmetics but it was stuff I'd been wanting to get anyways.  I wore a long sparkly slinky black form fitting dress.  It showed every bump and curve on every part of my body.  I went through 3 thongs just to find one that wouldn't show lines underneath.  I looked good but I couldn't help but thinking that the last time I wore that dress I was about 5 lbs thinner.  I would have to say that I was one of the thinnest females that I saw there.  That made me feel good but my numbers on the scale don't reflect that which makes me feel like crap.  Hubby looked so handsome in his suit.  We danced and laughed and just had a really great time.  It made me feel really good when one of his co workers said to hubby, "Your wife is beautiful."  It's funny because from the outside no one could ever tell just how ugly and fat I feel on the inside.  When we got tired we just went up to our hotel room and went to bed.  The room was really nice but we basically just slept there then checked out when we got up.

Normally, I am unable to resist a weigh in but I really could not bear to see the number so I didn't weigh in on Sunday.  It's probably the first time I was able to skip it.  We had some cheese we needed to use up so we made some homemade pizza on whole wheat pita.  I didn't eat anything else all day so I probably cleared around 600 for the day.

I am so over it now.  I have decided to really commit myself to weight loss.  I gained a whole F***** pound over the weekend.  I was already on the edge of fat and I just made it worse.  And for what?  I chose my goal weight basically on BMI.  My lowest weight ever was 110 back in 2005.  I don't necessarily feel I need to go that far but last year I did get down to 114 when my ideal weight is 115-116.  I figured 114 would be good to allow some wiggle room and it puts me at the underweight BMI mark.  How long do I expect this to take?  Apparently I suck at weight loss so I really have no idea.  I think it's a good idea to try to give myself a deadline but I'm not really going to worry too much about that so long as I am consistent and steadfast towards my goal weight.  For now, I'm going to say by March 1st.  This is probably a super, super long time frame for trying to loose just 6 pounds and ideally I'd like it to happen in just 6 weeks but I'm trying to be realistic here.  I know from experience that anything below 116 is really hard for my body too.  So, I'll say between Feb 1st and March 1st.  How do I plan to do this?  Restriction.  Ideally, no more then 1000k per day and I'd like to keep it closer to 800.  I'd like to say that exercise will play a major role but I'm just not so sure if I have it in me.  I will work out but it will likely be sporadic.  We will see how it goes mainly with diet and as my deadline gets closer I may have to change that up.  Can I eat a sweet or candy here and there? Yes.  As long as it is in moderation.  If it's candy or chips it need only be one serving and if it's sweets it need only be a small piece.  I really don't want to set myself up to feel like a failure if I cave and eat 3 See's Candy one day.  I do not plan on making it a regular thing but if it happens it happens.

I can't believe I officially have one of those blogs with the current weight/goal stats in the sidebar.  That hasn't ever really been what this blog was for me but now I'm desperate.  I have never felt the urge to loose and the feeling of failure so badly as I do now.  As much as I'd like to just say "to hell with it" and accept the pounds I just can't.  I only think I don't care about my weight when it's in an acceptable range and I feel in control.  Once it gets past where I am comfortable and I start to feel like my body is fighting me I can't stand it. 

It's a pretty loose diet plan here I guess.  I may or may not add in more rules as I go along.  I have the basic shell of what I want to accomplish, how I want to accomplish it and when.  When the hunger starts to take over any and all common sense and all I want to do is stuff my face I need to be strong and move past it.  I have done it before now I just have to do it again.  My fresh start no excuses weight loss plan starts NOW. 

High Weight: 150 [18-19 yrs]
Low Weight: 110 [2005]
Start Weight: 120/BMI: 18.8 [12/13/10]
Goal Weight: 114/BMI: 17.9
Deadline: Feb 1-Mar 1, 2011

BMI Categories:
•Underweight = <18.5
•Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
•Overweight = 25–29.9
•Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater