Christmas

My mother in law is here.  I get 12 days off work for the holidays.  I was feeling so annoyed because Christmas Break is always MY time to chill, relax, write and get things done but with her here for 7 days of it my time has totally been compromised.  I won't get to make it to Yoga so much like I did last year and normally I try to get together with a friend but I just feel like I won't have time.  She's super sweet so that's why I feel bad for being annoyed.  When you are entertaining 24/7 there is no time to just BE.  I feel like she's watching me too.  Not in a bad way but she just watches what I'm doing and it makes me feel very self conscious.  She just sits there while hubby and I are on our lap tops.  I'm like, uh you can turn the TV on.  You don't have to sit there staring at us.  I need to get stuff done and I haven't even had a chance to do any writing.  Sometimes it's silent because nobody has anything to say and it feels awkward.   She sat there and watched hubby do his whole 1 hour work out.  Why didn't she just go downstairs and occupy herself?  She didn't know I was downstairs and I didn't say anything as I was enjoying some quiet time reading blogs where I didn't have to feel like I needed to make conversation.  I will NOT be a happy camper if she wants to come this time next year.  She's a size 16.  She looks for her size when we were at the mall and most stores don't carry it.  Not that it has any relevance but it's just crazy that she's living fat and happy as a size 16 and I can't stand being a 2.  His mom was supposed to get here on December 21st and leave today but she missed her flight and didn't get here until Christmas Eve so she extended her flight.  We have plans to meet another couple tomorrow night at this fancy restaurant and now mom in law has to come along too.  The cheapest entree on the menu is $24 bucks and this is hubby's friend who likes to split the bill evenly even if one person ordered tons of appetizers and drinks but another person doesn't.  Should hubby pay for both of us?  I feel bad.

Around 11pm hubby said he was going upstairs to play his video game and then going to bed so I said I was going to bed too but I'm really just hanging with him until he goes to bed.  That's what I always do when it's just us.  I didn't want to stay downstairs with his mom watching TV anymore.  We just finished watching 2 movies. My mom in law adores her son of course because he's great.  He's a good son and a good husband.  She's already told him what she wants for the next holiday which will be Mother's Day which I thought was weird.  I get this feeling that if she could marry him she would!  I don't mean that in some kind of twisted way.  Just that she would love to have an exact replica of her son but not have it be her actual son for herself if she could.  Her husband is from another country.  He moved here, they got married and then he moved back about a year or two later!  He comes to visit like once a year.  She's doesn't work, she's lonely and she lives in a little podunk town.  She doesn't do anything so I'm glad she got to come out here and do something and spend time with her son.  She has been nothing but kind to me.  She gave us both money for Christmas.  I paid for dinner for us last night.  I bought her a secret santa gift and went out of my way to go back to the mall to exchange the shoes I picked out that were too small for the ones she wanted.  Which were not cute by the way but I have to realize she's an older heavier woman with no fashion sense whatsoever (not that I have at ton).  She was so excited that her bloated feet fit into them and asked me if they were cute.  They were awful but I couldn't say that so I just said they weren't my style.   I've chatted up a storm with her all day every day she's here.  I'm not a total bitch.  We are having a good time I just think 7 days feels really long and I feel like I'm not getting that ME time I look forward to so much every year.  I don't like feeling like I have to be ON all the time.  She is a sweet mother in law.  I like her and I'm trying not to be selfish.  I just need to vent about it and I definitely can't vent to hubby.  It wouldn't be fair since it's his mom even though I know she gets on his nerves too.

Christmas was great.  The Saturday before I hung out with my mom and sisters then got to see them again on Christmas day.   Hubby spoiled me with a necklace from Tiffany's.  I exchanged it for a bracelet because he already got me a necklace and the necklace he got for me was pretty but the charm wasn't me.  He also got me a little Coach clutch and tickets to the NCAA gymnastics championships.  He doesn't want to go with me; he's hoping I'll be able to find a date as he does not want to sit through three days of gymnastics.  He is so sweet.  I feel so lucky.  I also felt bad because I got him house slippers and a $250 Apple Gift card towards the lap top he wants.  I suck.  I'll try to do better next time.  I really enjoyed spending time with my family and I really couldn't have asked for much more this Christmas.  I was a little upset that I didn't get to see my little sister a 3rd time while she was here in town.  I drove up to mom's on Saturday, we then drove 2 1/2 hours to my sister's house for Christmas day where we all hung out but no one was interested in driving to my house.  My sister's flight leaves out of the airport that's 25 minutes from where I am and she had a 10pm flight so there was plenty of time.  They didn't offer to come by so I didn't ask.

I'm still fat.  How is it that I'm the same weight I was 2 months ago after 2 weeks of gorging myself in Europe?  How does that make any sense?  It doesn't and I'm still struggling with it.  I am so angry and upset and so hateful towards myself and my body.  It's all I can do not to scream when I step on the scale every day to a disappointingly high number.  The lowest number I've seen in a long while is 117 and I wasn't able to hang onto it.  I managed 118 for a bit but that's gone now too.  I suck.  I had to pull out some fat pants even.  They are size 5's.  The only reason I pulled them out is because the 3's in the exact same pant have some bleach spots on them.  They still fit though not as lose as before.  I got the 3's because the 5's were hanging off of me.  They are still pretty lose but not hanging like before and I can feel that some of my other jeans and pants are fitting me snugger.  I'm terrified to put on my pants every day for fear that they will feel too tight.  It's an awful feeling.  I feel disgusting and so out of control.  Because I am.  I am so out of control.  I try and try and it just doesn't get any better.  I want to concede defeat more then anything but I can't.  If I KNEW for certain that my body wouldn't get any bigger then it is right now then MAYBE I could be satisfied but I can't know that for certain.  I'm screwed no matter how you look at it.  I stress myself out and try and I'm fat; I don't try and I'd probably be fatter.

Apparently I'm a shopaholic too.  I bought stuff online from The Limited totaling $129 and two pair of Wedge booties.  Tan suede Tom's from Nordstrom's and black ones from Amazon.   Each pair was about $80 but I did use Discover points that took $36 off the black ones.  Then, when we were at the mall yesterday I bought a black knit blazer for $34 and a top for $5 bucks.  That wasn't too bad and I have the money to pay for it but on top of Christmas even though I didn't spent too much it still feels excessive.  It's like I can't stop.  I earned virtual dollars shopping at Limited and I'll be back there in January to use them.

It really sucks being fat going into the new year but there isn't anything I can do about it right now.  I've tried.  Better luck next year.