120.0: I'm Not Skinny At All

I was such a hungry girl yesterday towards the end of the work day.  I was thisclose to caving and eating an extra granola bar!  P90X was not as bad as I thought it would be.  We only did 2 of the many videos they have so it could get a lot worse but right now I feel like I just might be in better shape then I thought.  We did a 16 minute ab video and a cardio video that used Yoga as a warm up.  Hubby was sweating way more then me.  He is in shape-he can bike for 40 miles but I think he is just in a different kind of shape. He isn't used to a lot of kicking and yoga type moves.  I was definitely fatigued after doing it.  My muscles felt weak but I'm not sore yet.  It hasn't been 24 hours yet though so we'll see how I feel later on.

I had a revelation yesterday.  An aha moment if you will.  I am not skinny!  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I look in the mirror right now and I see FAT FAT FAT everywhere.  My butt looks gross and my thighs look huge.  Didn't I just write in this blog that I felt skinny on Friday?  Well not anymore.  The moment I started to believe I was thin is about the same moment I got way too relaxed.  Now look at me.  Perhaps all of these freakin' thinspo you tube videos I've been watching are getting to me.  I watched Super Skinny VS Super size.  The super skinnies were so skinny.  I am not even close to that.  Not by a long shot.  I think it's interesting how the word eating disorder was never verbalized in discussions with the super skinnies.  They just didn't have an appetite or were too busy taking care of others to eat.  Well, maybe they don't.  Just like I've never had one.  So yeah, I'm fat.  Oh, and I even have the numbers to prove it.  120.  Who does a P90X video and eats under 900k cals and still manages to gain a pound?  Me that's who!  It's almost comical.  Except it's so tragically pathetic so the minute I try to laugh about it I realize just how unfunny and sad it is.  I have so much work to do.

Yesterday's Eats: [880]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  Baby Carrots w/RF Ranch (80)
• Dinner:  Green Salad w/Chicken Breast, RF Italian Dressing (250)
• Snack:  String Cheese (80), Lemon Cake (180)

Exercise:  P90X abs 16 min, cardio 25 min