To Eat Or Not To Eat

Yesterday was the 4th of July. I went to my mom and dad's and enjoyed a wonderful day with my family. The weather was perfect. Sunny but not too much so and there was a nice cool breeze. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of it caress my face and blow my hair. We sat outside in the sun and listened to music and laughed and drank wine. We also ate of course. What kind of 4th of July would it be without Bar B Q?

I went in with a plan not to overdo it. I used to restrict but then go hog wild when I went out to eat or to an event with food. I justified that gluttony with all of the restricting leading up to it even as I hated how it undid all of my hard work. I just couldn't help myself after feeling deprived for so long but lately as I've been making an effort to eat foods with nutritional value I've been more in control of that. I did well at the fair and I was determined that I would do the same on the 4th too. I had a Hebrew National hot dog and a Turkey burger along with some veggies, a little bit of tortilla chips and potato salad. I even had a slice of pound cake. Oh, and of course a beer and some wine.

I was kind of upset with myself for eating the burger and the hot dog but overall I felt pretty good about it. I ate and enjoyed it but didn't over do it. Dad kept saying how good it was to see me eat and asked me how much I weigh and it make me wonder what exactly my mom is telling him. Mom made sure I took home some left over’s and I reminded her of the old days when I refused to take anything home because I knew without a doubt that I wouldn't eat it. She said it used to break her heart to see me refuse to take any food home and know that I was going home to a house with empty cupboards. I have come so far I thought...and I was feeling pretty good about it-until about two minutes after arriving home.

I stripped my clothes off as soon as I walked in the door leaving a trail of clothing from the door to the bathroom scale. What made me think I could eat like a semi normal person? The morning after shows a 1.5 pound gain and I am upset to see my hard work flushed down the toilet over night. So today I am confused. I know I need to eat something but I am frozen with indecision as to what. Part of me wants to eat nothing in an attempt to undo the damage from yesterday and the other part of me knows that is not the answer. It's almost noon and I've had only a few twizzlers while I ponder my dilemma. To Eat or not to Eat...that is the question.