The Bad Old Days

I've been reading an old online journal that I used to keep from 2003-2006. As I do I am transported to a time when I struggled with depression, a crumbling marriage, obsessive eating disordered behavior, extreme job dissatisfaction, and a fledgling desire to model. I was such a sad and miserable person. I had a husband who I argued with constantly, a job that I absolutely despised, and a general overall sense of hopelessness about my life and my future. There were days when I felt it would be better to never wake up again then to live another day inside my skin.

Just visiting that old site and re visiting that time of my life after all of these years was kind of erie. There is so much that happened during that time period. Many details of which I've since sort of forgotten about. It was like reading a story about someone-except that someone was actually me. I am amazed at how some things change and some things stay the same over the years. I am struck by how sad and hopeless I was and just how far I have come. I am happy, in a great relationship and have a job I like. I have definitely started a new chapter in my life.

Through it all, not even my family truly knew what kind of personal hell I was going through. I couldn't hide the weight loss, but I was good at pretending I was OK. People thought we were the perfect couple-and were literally stunned at the news of our divorcing. Those were some very dark days for me and while there was some improvement after the divorce finalized in 2005 and job change in 2007 I don't think the fog of despair truly lifted until last year. Which also happens to be the year I met my Fiance. That is a lot of years to be unhappy and I am just so glad that I have somehow managed to overcome all of that misery and pain.

Back then I hated myself and my body so much that I waged this campaign in attempt to bend it to my will. And oh was I dedicated. This obsession basically took over my life and I thought of little else for a couple of years. I was never thin enough and refused to admit I had a problem. Working in a job for 8 years that made me miserable did nothing to help my depression or my general sense that my life was worthless. Work is such a big part of our lives and when you hate it as much as I did especially with the other issues that I was dealing with it takes it's toll. There was so much in my life that I was unhappy with and felt hopeless about changing that I think I focused on my weight as the one thing I could fix. Somehow even if nothing in the world was going my way I felt that if I was thin; well at least I would have that. Ultimately, I even felt like a failure at that because I never got thin enough no matter how much I exercised or how little I ate. No matter that my clothes were swimming on my body and that I was the coveted size 0 even when being a 2 was still considered "acceptable". It was never enough. I began taking anti depressants in 2004 and they definitely helped with the depression but there were still so many other issues that being happy was still an alien concept to me for a long time.

I cannot believe how incredibly toxic and dysfunctional my marriage was. It started out OK when we were young and seemed to get progressively worse the longer we were together, the older we got, and the more complicated life got. We were like oil and water. He was my first boyfriend and I really just didn't know anything else. For a couple that was so incredibly wrong for each other we were sure together for a long time. Nine years with three of those years married. Towards the end he gave our marriage 1 year to get better or he was gone-and we never even made it that long. Divorcing him was truly one of the best things that could have ever happened to me though because I wasn't happy and now I am with the person I was supposed to be with all along.