Thing Change & Stay the Same

MY HOW THINGS CHANGE:

• I am happy, hopeful and optimistic about life in general~I still feel lost about certain things in my life but I no longer feel hopeless. I have moments where I feel like my lows are lower then normal but I am always able to find my way back whereas before low was all there was. The world is no longer filtered through a gray cloud of sadness as it used to be. I used to isolate myself. I was so unhappy that sometimes it was hard to be around people because I felt like I had to pretend. I didn't used to know what it was like to simply be happy and have a general disposition that was not stuck on misery. I'd always been sort of a sad child inside. I eventually went off anti depressants in 2005 after I lost my health insurance. Now that I know what happiness feels like I do not take it for granted. I still don't know exactly how it is that I managed to overcome the worst of my depression but I am so glad that I did. I have friends and I enjoy doing things and it feels good.

• I actually like my job~The pay is not the best but it is enough to cover my expenses and I enjoy the work environment. It isn't tense, I don't have to do the work of 3 people and nobody cusses me out on a regular basis. I come in and do my work without anyone hovering over me and there is not too much stress. The work that I'm doing isn't all that bad either. It isn't exactly a career and I can't say that I am proud of my job title but it is a solid job, has good benefits, and I can get up and go to work every day and be OK. I don't have the ability to save money, contribute to my retirement, and spend as freely as I used to but the claims job was killing me so I feel I had no choice but to quit and I have no regrets about leaving.

• I am in a healthy happy relationship~As I was reading details about the relationship I had with the Ex hubby I almost feel a little sick inside. We shared the same household but practically lived separate lives. He was short tempered, impatient, defensive and not nurturing at all. We'd go days without talking. He used to hang up on me and say mean things. Our very values and views in regards to family, finances, division of labor, and just about everything else in between were totally opposite. It made for a doomed relationship and if I am honest I would say we should have never gotten married in the first place and that he did me a huge favor by suggesting divorce. I can't put all of the blame on him though. Watching me physically become thinner and thinner was very difficult for him and I was unwilling to fix it. My sadness was a blanket that covered us both. Our inability to communicate with each other and see eye to eye on anything was the nail in the coffin for us but I have learned some valuable lessons as a result.

• I haven't exercised all year!~I am not proud of this. I used to be a gymnast and have always been athletic. My exercise habits tend to vary from year to year but back in 03 I did it as though my life depended on it so focused was I on weight loss. I fell off the bandwagon after the holidays last year and then had a schedule change to where I get off at 5 instead of 3:30. I just never started up again. I know I need to make my way back to exercise and I always have in the past be it ballet, yoga, Pilate's, or the treadmill. I am over beating myself up about it. I'll go back when I'm ready.

MY HOW THEY STAY THE SAME:

• I still have a tendency to fixate on food and weight, and have a distorted body image~I have never returned to the size I was when this whole madness began (probably a size 6). I can remember focusing on weight loss as a goal as far back as 1997 and it really started to become a problem in 2003, although I can remember feeling too big as far back as age 10. I'd been building up to what happened since childhood. To this day, it is difficult for me to admit that I ever did or still do have an "eating disorder." In my eyes my problem was never big enough to warrant such a label although I was diagnosed back in 2004. No matter how many times I was asked if I was sick or told how "tiny" or "thin" I was...No matter how exhausted, and sick I felt inside I refused to see it. It seems that I will always struggle with disordered eating behaviors and thoughts and have a distorted view of my body. I have come a long way though and I am doing my best to minimize any negative impact that it may have on my health and my relationship.

• I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up~While I am not pleased with my income or lack of career I continue to struggle with a solution. I continue to feel paralyzed about how to move forward and change this and tend to think that perhaps I was simply never meant to be a career woman or big wage earner and I should just be happy with where I am. I don't need to be rich. I am not materialistic. I haven't ever craved money or wealth for the sake of status, image or designer duds. What I crave more then anything is the peace of mind and ability to enjoy life that comes with making a comfortable income. I want to be able to buy my family nice things and not always have to budget so darn hard. I want the ability to contribute financially to the household and our future. I don't want to work into my 70's.

• I am extremely hard on myself~I had and still do have a tendency to believe that nothing I ever do is good enough. This train of thought was very difficult to cope with when I was at my lowest point. My confidence and willingness to give myself credit where credit is due is something that I continue to work on. It's hard being a perfectionist who isn't and never will be perfect.

• I am still very frugal~I like that word so much better then cheap!! I've always been methodical about my desire to save, cut costs, and maximize my dollars. Even more so now out of necessity. Even when I had more disposable income it was always very difficult for me to let loose and just live a little sometimes when it came to spending. I am a coupon queen and get really excited about bargains. I reuse plastic bags and squeeze out every bit of toothpaste I can. I still hate debt and therefore don't have any (except the obvious car, house etc) even on my limited budget. My credit score remains spotless except for a ding that was caused my my ex husband. I still contribute what I can monthly to savings and a 403(b). I've been saving money since my first job at age 16 and I never got into any trouble with credit cards as so many do. I am not counting on winning the lottery anytime soon so I have to make smart choices, live within my means and plan for the future as best I can.

• I am still very organized and a little bit anal~I like things to be orderly and clean. Sometimes even my lists have lists. I am aware of my "condition" and I am determined not to overdo it with my fiance. It comes in handy lots of times though and I think we will find a nice balance.

• I am therefore I write~I have always enjoyed writing since I can remember. Remember when people actually used to use pen and paper? I have a Rubbermaid bin full of kiddie diaries and spiral notebooks that are going to need to be buried with me when I die!! I can write what sometimes is difficult for me to verbalize. It is a form of therapy for me too. I usually feel better after venting my frustrations "on paper." I love expressing myself through writing. Always have always will.