Fair Food

I had a day at the fair planned and leading up to it the only thing I could think about was the food. Not so much as what I was looking forward to eating although that is one of my favorite things about the fair but more about the dread associated with such temptation. All it takes is one "bad" eating day to undo weeks of hard work. You see, I have been doing so well with my eating. Or should I say well by my standards.

For me, to eat well is to eat as little as possible while still maintaining some measure of nutritional content-at least on most days. To eat well is to see the number on the scale stay the same or better yet move down. I have to say I am doing better at the moment then in years past. There was a time when I subsisted mostly on baked lays and candy. I didn’t care enough about myself to even take a multi vitamin to offset such a nutritionally deficient diet. Now, at least I take a multi and a calcium supplement and make an effort to consume foods with some nutritional value no matter how minimal that is. There are times that I get so tired of the fight. So exhausted by the voice that tells me to starve and restrict. So disgusted by the fact that this battle is basically part of who I am. To know me is to know that I have a "thing" with food. Food for me is an enemy and a friend in some ways. I love to hate it and I love to love it too. It nourishes me and keeps me healthy so I can be alive and well for myself and the people that I love but it also torments me for reasons that I haven’t ever fully understood. I train myself to be above the need to eat with abandon and take comfort in the growls of hunger and the feeling of emptiness that restricting brings. It may not be an eating disorder but it is disordered eating at best and it affects me way more then I would like it to. I am well aware that there are more important things in the world to worry about other then whether or not I fit into a size 0 and that I am way too old for this, but that voice of reason is usually drowned out by other voice.

I enjoyed every single bite of my French bread pizza at the fair on Saturday. I closed my eyes and immersed myself in the smell and the flavors of the pepperoni and cheese. I allowed myself that indulgence along with an ice cold beer while we sat in the paddock area listening to live bands. I took pleasure in the sights and the sounds swirling around me while the sun shined down upon me warming me against the cool breeze as I contemplated dessert. Always thinking, always calculating. There simply has to be some sort of sacrifice in order to justify such an indulgence and so I decided there would be no ice cream and churro after all. I was proud of myself for having the willpower to not completely pig out at the fair but also annoyed with myself that it mattered so much.